The other night I was driving my kids to a trunk or treat. Ethan was Batman (read that with a gravelly, gargling marbles stage voice in your head). The part of the costume that was supposed to look like a huge muscular chest kept popping out and Ethan said, “I hate this. It keeps popping out and makes me look fat.” Trina quickly jumped in, “You mean like Daddy!” OUCH!!!
Satan is the Father of Lies (John 8:44). His master plan is to lie to us and get us to believe his lies. No doubt, some lies deal with issues of false doctrine. But that isn’t what I want us to consider in this series of posts. Rather, Satan sometimes realizes he can’t devour some Christians with doctrinal error. Instead, he tries something more insidious, something capable of knocking us completely off our spiritual feet. If we believe these lies, we will be taken captive and destroyed.
I received a heart-rending letter this week from a brother who is suffering the earthly consequences of his heinous sins. He had heard a sermon I preached entitled “We are Allowed to Love Ourselves.” You may remember the series on this very topic that I wrote on this blog. The brother wanted to know how he could ever forgive himself. Having committed some heinous sins myself, I want to know the same thing. What does it mean to forgive ourselves? Should we forgive ourselves? How can we?
(If you’ve stumbled across thist post, let me explain where you are. You have landed smack in the middle of one of my favorite series ever. We started some time ago by learning that God expects us to love ourselves. Now, we’re going through the definition of love in I Corinthians 13:4-7 to help us understand how we can love ourselves in a healthy way so can love others better. Go back to that first post to read the series from the beginning and to find an index of all the posts available. Enjoy today’s post as well.)
I’m told that anger turned inward is a working definition of depression. Thus, to help ourselves overcome depression, we must learn to relieve that kind of anger. We don’t have to be irritable with ourselves.
Don’t misunerstand. We do things wrong. There are times when anger even at ourselves is justified. But we don’t need to let that anger turn into a simmering, just-below-the-surface irritability.
Irritability is not out and out anger. It is not the clamoring and wrath and explosion. Rather, it is that low-lying frustration we carry with us just below the surface. It is something not easily seen. However, when little things happen, this irritability ignites the flame of clamor, wrath, and explosion. Irritibality is not the flame. Rather, it is more like the pilot light that stays lit all the time so that when the fuel hits it, the fire gets going. If we can remove the pilot light, we can prevent many of the burns.
We are allowed to love ourselves. We don’t have to be continually exasperated, frustrated, or irritated with ourselves. The fact is we all mess up. We all make mistakes. We all sin. We are growing; we aren’t perfect yet. While we must not ignore these sins and we must take them seriously, we do not have to respond with a constant barage of berating ourselves. We do not have to hang on to the irritation.
We need to be comfortable in our own skin instead of always being under our own skin. This means we have to learn to be gentle with ourselves, patient with ourselves, accepting of ourselves.
One of the best ways to remove this irritation is to remember that God is working on us. According to Philippians 2:12-13, God is working in us both to work and to will for His good pleasure. Further, according to Romans 8:28-30, God is working on conforming us to the image of His Son. According to I Peter 5:10, God will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish us. When we remember that God is working on us, being patient with us, and accepting us where we are while working on our weaknesses, we can do the same.
If God is accepting me right now, I can too. I’m not improving myself or my standing with God by carrying the irritation or berating myself. If you’re like me, there is part of you that thinks you can make up for the sin by ranting and raving at yourself, being really angry at yourself, and not letting yourself live down the sins. That doesn’t work. What works is allowing the blood of Jesus to cleanse your conscience so you can be set free to serve the living God (Hebrews 9:14). If you are carrying irritability, you will simply provoke yourself to the same or different sins.
Please understand, loving yourself does not mean ignoring your sins. Rather, it means dealing with your sins properly. Instead of trying to pay for your sins by your own anger, take your sins to Jesus and let Him pay for them. Let His sacrifice purify you and your conscience, but not so you can just keep sinning whenever you want. Rather, let Him purify your conscience so you may serve the living God.
Don’t live in a fantasy land that says you don’t sin or your sins don’t matter. That simply isn’t true. But neither must you let your sins, mistakes, or weaknesses, push you to continued harshness and exasperation with yourself. Even Paul was gentle with himself about his weaknesses. He said he would boast in his weaknesses rather than be irritated with himself about them. Why? Because his weaknesses were what reminded him he needed God. Without the recognition of his weaknesses, he would not have known how much he needed God (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). He would have been lost on his own way which would have ended in death (Proverbs 14:12).
Yes, you make many mistakes. You are growing; you aren’t perfect. But instead of being irritable, love yourself. God loves you even though you’ve made all those mistakes. You can too.
(Come back next Monday as we learn to love ourselves God’s way instead of resenting ourselves.)
Here is John Powell on our relationship with God. I was totally smacked down with this.
Each of us has a unique and very limited concept of God, and it is very often marked and distorted by human experience. Negative emotions, like fear, tend to wear out. The distorted image of a vengeful God will eventually nauseate and be rejected. Fear is a fragile bond of union, a brittle basis of religion.
…
Those who do not reject a distorted image of God will limp along in the shadow of a frown. They certainly will not love with their whole heart, soul, and mind. A fearsome, vengeful God is not lovable. There will never be any trust and repose in the loving arms of a kindly Father; there will never be any mystique of belonging to God. People who serve out of fear, without the realization of love, will try to bargain with God. They will do little things for God, make little offerings, say little prayers, and so on, to embezzle a place in heaven. Life and religion will be a chess game, hardly an affair of love.
(Why Am I Afraid to Love?: Overcoming Rejection and Indifference*
, John Powell, Tabor Publishing, Allen, TX, 1982, pp 5, 8)
I guess it’s time to quit playing chess with God.
*Yes, that is an affiliate link. Here’s another one:
I’m reading Jim Burns’ book, Creating an Intimate Marriage
It took me a very long time in my marriage to understand that Cathy didn’t need me to fix her problems. All she wanted was for me to care. My natural tendency is to be a fix-it person. I would get fully engaged with whatever her problem was and immediately start looking for the cure. What Cathy would rather have had was a sympathetic hug and a sense that I understood and cared about her. After I became comfortable in not always trying to be her fix-it man, I realized it was much easier on our relationship to simply let her know I value her feelings.
I’m sure, husbands, this isn’t the first time you’ve heard this. It wasn’t for me either. But even though I’ve heard this over and over and over again, I keep missing it. Somehow, I think it is my job to fix her or her problems. I want to be her knight in shining armor who rides in to sweep her away from all that troubles her, destroying her would-be attackers with my cleverness. But my job is not to fix her. That is God’s job. My job is nourish and cherish her (Ephesians 5:28-29).
When my wife is stressed about about something, even if it causes her to blow up at me, what is my job? Is my job to point out all the things she did wrong that caused this? That may be my natural reaction, but that is not my job. My job is to let her know that she is really doing a great job as a wife and mother, to let her know that what she feels is valid and acceptable, and to let her know that I love her anyway. I can do that through my words or my actions or, preferably, both.
When I come home and she’s had a bad day with the kids (imagine that, having a tough day because you’re dealing with a 13-year-old, a 10-year-old, an 8-year-old, and a 2-year-old) and she starts unloading her frustrations, my natural reaction is to get defensive and start unloading back or to try to calmly explain what she did wrong all day to cause all this frustration. Guess what I’ve learned. Neither of those options ever work. First, it doesn’t relieve her frustration. Second, it doesn’t bring us closer. Third, it usually ruins the whole evening. Fourth, even on the rare occassion when I’m right about why she is frustrated, it doesn’t help her at all. Yet, over and over again, that is the way I respond. Has anyone read that definition about insanity lately?
So, here’s what I’m going to start trying to do. Hold me accountable on this one fellows (and ladies). When that happens, I want to give my wife a big hug. I want to let her cry on my shoulder if that is what she’s feeling. I want to let her know that I can tell things have been tough for her and I’m sorry about that. I want to let her know that I love her and I really do think she is a great wife and mother (I do think that). I want to see if I can take something off of her plate so the rest of her day can be easier. And I’m going to do all of that without expecting anything* in return.
What do you think? Do you think that might have a better impact on our marriage? I’m guessing it will. The fact is, my wife is pretty smart. She doesn’t generally need me to fix her problems. She can usually come up with pretty good solutions on her own. She just needs someone to let her know that having a bad day doesn’t mean she’s a bad wife and mother. It means she’s pretty normal and I love her anyway.
Alright guys, who will take on this challenge with me? Let’s quit trying to fix our wives and start turn our great ability to fix things on to fixing how we treat our wives even when they don’t act exactly the way we want.
Have a great day and remember God’s way really does work for your family.
ELC
*When I say anything, I really mean sex.
It’s good to be back on the web. The break was needed, but seems like it went a little too long for my taste. Thanks for your patience with me.
When I started the break, our Monday posts on God’s Way for Our Lives was starting a series on learning to love ourselves properly. I’m glad to get back to that. However, before we take up our look at the definition of Love in I Corinthians 13, I just want to share a victory with you. It shows this blogging thing is helping me out just like I wanted it to.
Before I started looking at this biblical concept that we are allowed to love ourselves, I would have beat myself to death trying to maintain this blog even through all the turmoil of making the move. That might have meant putting some family issues to the side. It would surely have meant missing out on some time with my children and wife, which was so needed as I was leading them through this transition. It probably would have meant sleepless nights and grumpy Dad. Or, I might have grudgingly caved on the blogs but hated myself for not having the stamina to keep it up. I would have trashed myself, probably even on this blog in order to try to make me feel better about what I would have seen as a colossal failure.
However, I’ve learned that love is patient and love is kind. I’m allowed to be patient with myself. Just because I can’t do everything I want to be able to do, doesn’t mean I need to belittle myself, talk down to myself, despise myself. I’m also allowed to be kind to myself. The fact is, in a transition like a move, something is going to have to give. It is not normal life. It’s okay to let things go for the sake of my sanity. I don’t have to beat myself up for going through a special season.
I’m so thankful for the liberty from stress this recognition that I’m allowed to love myself by being patient with myself and kind to me is bringing. I’m so thankful that I’m able to jump back into this blog without all the feelings of shame for having to break for multiple months. I’m so glad I have God’s word to guide me and help me have peace and serenity through God’s love, knowing that God loves me whether I blog or not. I’m allowed to love me too.
This is a huge victory for me. It means God’s word really is impacting my outlook on life and His peace is guarding my heart and mind. Thank you, God, for that protection. Please, keep it up.
I hope you can keep joining me on our Monday posts to learn more about properly loving ourselves so we can love others properly as well.
Remember, God’s way works.
A few weeks ago, we started looking at God’s love for us and noted that if God loves us, we are allowed to love ourselves. In fact, we noted from Matthew 22:39, that God didn’t command us to do this, He simply expected it.
The problem, of course, is we have been so warned against self-centeredness that hearing this shocks us a bit. We aren’t allowed to love ourselves, we think, because that is narcissism. That would be selfish. Besides, II Timothy 3:2 warns that the sinners of this age will be lovers of self. Clearly, there is a way in which we are allowed to love ourselves and a way in which we aren’t. I think the best explanation of how to love ourselves biblically can be found in I Corinthians 13:4-7. If we pursue God’s definition of love for others, and are supposed to love them as we do ourselves, then this will help us love ourselves properly.
The first thing Paul said is, “Love is patient.”
Be patient with yourself. If you’re like me, you are a mess. You don’t want anyone else to know it and you do your best to put on a great face so no one else will ever know it, but you know exactly what a mess you are. You know every flaw, every mistake, every failure, every sin. In fact, you know the little bitty things that no one else would recognize as bad, but you know for you it is.
With every mistake, you can begin to beat yourself up, shame yourself, throw your hands in the air and claim there just isn’t any reason to keep going on. “Why bother,” you tell yourself, “I’m never going to make it.”
But love is patient. Be patient with yourself. God is patient with you. II Peter 3:9 says the Lord is not slow about His promises, He is simply patient, not wishing any of us to perish. A few verses later, he says we should count this patience as our salvation (II Peter 3:15). God is waiting on us.
However, there is an even better reason to be patient with yourself than simply God is patient with you.
Not only is God waiting on us, God is working on us. Philippians 2:12-13 encourages us to keep working on ourselves, not because we are doing such a great job, not because we are perfect, not because we make no mistakes. We should keep working on ourselves because God is working on us and in us.
Romans 8:28-30 explains that God is going to bring us to conformity with Jesus. He is working on us and He will get us there. When we mess up, there is no need to throw our hands up and quit. Rather, be patient. God is working on us. We just need to keep working.
Let’s face it, we are all like toddlers struggling to walk in a manner worthy of Jesus Christ. As we start to pull up on the furniture, we are going to fall. We may even fall a lot. However, eventually, just as sure as little children eventually learn how to walk, we will to. Not because we’re such great walkers, but because we aren’t alone. God is holding our hand.
Even after we’ve been walking for a while, we may have a big fall. In fact, just this morning, I fell down the stairs (again). However, God is still working on us. He still loves us and is patient with us. We can be patient with ourselves as well.
Now, please don’t misunderstand. Romans 6:1-2 says, “Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means!” Being patient with ourselves when we sin, doesn’t mean we are granted permission to sin. God’s patience with us is not a license to sin. Neither should our own patience be.
The point is simply that since we are growing and are not perfect yet (Philippians 3:12), we will stumble and fall. When we do, patience doesn’t tell us not to care and just stay on the ground wallowing in the mud. Patience says to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, pick up our cross and keep walking. Or rather, it tells us to let God pick us up, clean us off, give us our cross, and keep walking with Him.
I don’t know what has been happening in your life. I don’t know what struggles you have or what failures you’ve made. All I know is this, if you love God, He is working on you. Be patient with Him. Be patient with yourself. Love is patient. Why not love yourself today, cut yourself some slack. Be patient. You’ll make it. God has promised you will.
Come back next week, we’ll learn about being kind to ourselves.
God Loves You Today, So Should You
We Don’t Have to Earn God’s Love
Don’t Be Irritable With Yourself
Rejoice in Truth, not Wrong-doing
A man, supposedly in his late 40s posted the following in an internet forum that I do not want to link you to.
“I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate my past. I hate my present. I hate everything I am. I go to bed every night wishing I would wakeup with some disease and only have a few months to live. Or that I would die on the way to work in a car wreck or have a massive heart attack. That would show them wouldn’t it. Would anyone really care if I was gone? I walk around feeling empty inside and nobody notices. Why can’t anyone see how sad I am? Can’t anyone see how much pain I am in? Can’t anyone see me struggling to stay alive? I hate myself even more for having these thoughts. How weak is that? Why can’t I be a real man and get over it? I ask myself if this is a cruel joke God is playing on me? Is this payback for all the bad I had done in my life? Why am I here? I am so pathetic and such a loser.”
The responses he received were not much better.
“You and me both. I know how you feel. Every day I wake up hoping to die. I’ve been through a lot … in my lifetime. Most of the time, I don’t see what the point of living is. At university, everyone ignores me. No one cares about me. Most of my family hate me. I have no friends…I’m not even my won friend.”
“I know there are people who love me, but it doesn’t make a difference to me. I feel like you. I’m a loser.”
“Bro, I feel so close to you. I hate myself and I hate myself that I hate myself in the same time. I don’t know how to feel or what to feel. Sometime I blame life and gods but then I hate myself that I should just blame myself. I hate myself more than I hate this meanless life. I hate my boring look, my stupid brain, my weak body, and my ugly mouth that always say the wrong things.”
“I go through life pretending I am so happy, but if anyone even cared they’d look deeper. And even though I am female, I totally understand how you feel. They all say life is a rollercoaster, but it feels like it is only going down and down further each day.”
Someone finally posted:
GOD LOVES YOU! Nothing is more important than that.
To which the next responder replied:
“I wish I could believe in that premise, but I’m finding it hard these days. I have failed at everything I’ve ever done and tried. At the same time, I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve been a hard-working blue collar guy all of my life. I’ve never broken a law or hurt anyone. Now, at 47, laid off from my job nearly a year, a wife of 19 years who looks at me like a loser. No kids. Little savings. The only thing I truly love are my two dogs who are always faithful.
“I look back and conclude that my life has been pointless. Utterly meaningless. I hate myself so much, that I love my own honesty about it.
“I hate myself so much that I pray for death. I am a 30-year smoker and am happy about it. Lung cancer, colon cancer, a massive coronary all sound good to me. I’ll take any of them. Then I can go down for the long sleep and all of this…would be over. No more worries. No more insomnia or nightmares. Not another morning waking to nothingness. Worthlessness. Pain.
“The only reason I haven’t put a bullet thru my head is because of the last remaining shred of Christianity, that suicide is the ultimate sin from which there is no forgiveness. So, I’m finding it harder to believe that God is here, or cares. I have sinned like all humans on this planet and regret them all. But, if he’s there, he’s forsaken me. I guess I don’t blame him. I would too if I were him.”
Self-loathing and self-hatred: Some of us have it down to a science. Some of us are even convinced we are more spiritual because of our negative feelings toward ourselves. We are sure that any kind of love we have for ourselves would only be selfishness, self-centeredness, arrogance. We are sure that any kind of love we might have for ourselves would mean we weren’t seeing ourselves in the sinful light we are sure we must recognize. I’d like to share a Biblical revelation with you. We are allowed to love ourselves.
Some hearing this will think this is no big deal and wonder why I’m even sharing such depressing stuff. Others are saying they know how these people online feel and want to find out where this stuff came from. They are saying, “Are you sure? Are you sure I’m allowed to love myself? If you knew me like I do, you wouldn’t be saying that.” I’m talking to you. God says you are allowed to love yourself.
For those who don’t understand, here’s the problem. Some look at their sins and equate their existence with their sinfulness. They don’t just despise their sins; they despise themselves for their sins. I understand that. With each new sin, no matter how small or great, we receive another reminder of how worthless and unlovable we are.
Some look at their bodies. They see themselves as too thin or too fat, too tall or too short, too plain, too out of proportion, maybe their ears are too big or their chin is too small. They equate their body with themselves and hate themselves a little more every time they look in the mirror. As an overweight guy, I can understand that too.
Some listen to the negative messages they’ve heard from parents, professors, and peers: “You’re never going to amount to anything.” “You’re so pathetic.” “You’re a loser.” “You’re worthless.” “I don’t even know why I had you.” “I don’t even know why they let you in this school.” “I don’t even know why I’m friends with you.” “You’re the worst __________.”
Some want to be perfect and every mistake adds another level of loathing. Each failure reinforces the messages they heard from others and they play those messages over and over again in their heads. I haven’t heard all these, but I’ve heard some things. I understand this.
Some look at how they’ve treated others and the mistakes they’ve made in relationships. Every time they see someone they’ve hurt, they heap punishment on themselves. How could the one they’ve hurt love them; how can they love themselves? I wish this one didn’t ring so true. But I get it.
Then, they “go to church” and see everyone wearing their Sunday smiles, and hate themselves a little more for not being strong and perfect like everyone else. You ought to try being the guy who looks out over the whole audience each week to see what appear to be a whole bunch of people who have it together. It’s a weekly reminder of, “Why on earth am I the guy up here preaching?”
For you, “hate” and “loathe” may be too strong of terms. But how do you talk to yourself? Do you call yourself names? “Idiot,” “Loser,” “Moron.” Do you talk down to yourself? “If you had half a brain, you wouldn’t make mistakes like this.” “You’re such a ______, no wonder nobody likes you.” Do you punish yourself over and over again? “I don’t deserve to have a relationship, I’ll sabotage this one.” “I don’t deserve to be thin, I’m going to eat two extra helpings of ice cream.” “I don’t deserve to be pretty, I’ll go out in my rattiest clothes and refuse to try to look nice.” If you treated someone else the way you treat yourself, would they mistake it for love? Maybe your feelings aren’t as dark as those shared at the beginning of this post, but are you treating yourself the way God wants you to?
I know the struggle with these feelings. I like to say that “hate” and “loathe” are too strong of terms for how I’ve felt about myself. Maybe they are. But I can guarantee you that when I talk to others the way I talk to myself about mistakes, value, life in general, no one would mistake it for love. If I talk to my wife the way I talk to myself, she would not think I was loving her. In fact, she probably would think I hate her. If I talk to my kids the way I talk to myself most of the time, they’d end up in therapy (that may happen anyway). I get it.
I’m even one of those people who likes to tell myself this is how I’m supposed to treat me because it is really spiritual. I should despise me for my sins and imperfections. That means I have a realistic self-image based on the Bible. After all, the Bible rebukes all the sins I’ve committed and says I deserve judgment for what I’ve done. I should not like me. If I like me, that means I like the sins I’ve committed. I don’t do as some, flagellating themselves with whips and hurting themselves physically (based on a misunderstanding of I Corinthias 9:27). But verbally and mentally I’ve been there. You should hear the names I call myself when I simply make a wrong turn. If I said that to someone else, folks would be scandalized.
But then I reread Matthew 22:37-40. The two greatest commandments are, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” The second is very similar, Jesus said, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
I’ve read these commands before. I’ve been in classes about them. I’ve preached sermons about them. But on a gut, emotional, core value level, I missed something about these verses. There are two commands about love, but there is a third statement about love within them. It is not a command because it is simply assumed. We are supposed to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.
Do not miss the profound nature of this. Not only are we allowed to love ourselves, we are supposed to love ourselves. Loving ourselves is the foundation for loving others properly. If we despise ourselves, loathe ourselves, and hate ourselves, we will not be able to love others properly or in a healthy way.
The sad reality is too many of us do love others exactly the way we love ourselves, we hate ourselves so we hate others. Maybe “hate” is too strong of a word in this case too. But I think of my statements above about talking to my wife and children. There I said, “if.” I should actually say, “when.” Because I have talked to them these ways. However, as I’ve grown, I’ve discovered that when I talk to others this way, almost without fail I’m not really angry at others. I’m angry at me. The self-loathing simply wells up inside and despite my best efforts to control it seeps forth like too much jello in a mold. My experience is most of my outbursts at others are actually outbursts at myself directed outwardly. It is as if some part of me wants them to feel about me the way I do in that moment and so I’ll sabotage the relationship so they can punish me as I’m sure I deserve. Or these outbursts are attempts to be able to shift my own gaze on to someone else so I can convince myself that they are really the bad one and I can think better of me.
Though I don’t need personal experience to know what Jesus says is true, I have seen my own experience support what Jesus says here. We have to love ourselves properly before we’ll love others properly. When I am most hateful with myself, that is when I’m most hateful with others.
Look again at what Jesus said. “You shall love your neighbor as you love yourself.” Not only are we allowed to love ourselves and supposed to love ourselves, these verses demonstrates that God expects us to love ourselves. Jesus didn’t command loving ourselves, He simply assumed we would.
If you’re like me, hearing this for the first time, you are probably raising all kinds of objections. “What? This sounds like narcissism to me. This sounds like selfishness and self-centeredness.” Of course God doesn’t condone narcissism. I’m not saying we are allowed to be obsessed with ourselves. Of course God doesn’t allow selfishness and self-centeredness. I’m not saying God allows us to hate others while we focus on ourselves. However, there is no getting around it. God assumes that we’ll love ourselves. In fact, He has said this not once, but twice. In Ephesians 5:28-29, Paul says husbands should love their wives as they love themselves, nourishing and cherishing them. Again, he didn’t command the love of self. He simply assumed it.
Over the next few weeks, I want to delve into this topic. I want to explore it because I need to. I think many readers here need this as well. I want to begin by looking at God’s love for us and then examine I Corinthians 13 and how it applies to loving ourselves. That will help us get a good grasp on what we would actually do if we were to love ourselves. I hope this series lifts you up, draws you closer to God, and helps you find your worth in your relationship with God not your own personal accomplishments.
If you are willing, we’d love to hear from you on here about your own struggles or questions about this issue. That will help me know the direction to take these posts.
For right now, let me simply reiterate the message of the picture at the beginning of this post. Feel free to love yourself today.
Check out the next installment in this series here.
By the way, if you would like to check out a sermon I presented on this topic, go here.
With sick kids and wife, it has been tough this week to keep up with both blogs. So this one suffered a bit. Sorry.
But, it’s Friday now and I wanted to share with you a fun video and song I learned about this week. It may be old news for some of you, but I don’t listen to the radio very often and so I miss out on some good music sometimes.
Anyway, I heard this at the Chapman’s Retreat Elementary School talent show on Monday night and had to find the original. I love the song and the video. I hope it gives you a little boost as well.
Enjoy!
