So, last Thursday night, our exchange daughter, Viktoria, came out of the bathroom. “Edwin, you need to see this!” The shower stall was filled with water backed up from a clogged drain, the sink was filling up as well, and the toilet was leaking water from underneath the base. Oh, great! Yep, you guessed it. Blocked up septic system. The septic guy came out Friday morning, cleaned it out, and said we should think about using different toilet paper. I got to thinking about how this mirrors a lot of troubled relationships.
“How To Have that Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding”
Last week was New Year’s and many of us resolved to watch less tv, read more books. Whether or not that’s the case for you, if you only have one book that you have time to read this year…well, of course, make it the Bible. But if you have time to read two books this year, I’d like to make a recommendation: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.
Check out the video review by clicking the link below.
Imperfect Christians Aren’t Bad Christians
When a child spills some milk what do you do? Do you yell and scream at him as if he is a worthless, flawed, failure? I hope not. That little child is imperfect and makes mistakes. To treat him like he has no value or is less-than when he makes a mistake is not good. Instead, show him how to clean up his mess. Talk him through how and why the mess was made so he might avoid the same mistake in the future.
What about when a child says a cuss word? Do you yell and scream at her as if she is a worthless, flawed, failure who is making you look like a bad parent? I hope not. That child is imperfect and makes mistakes. To treat her like she has no value or is less-than when she makes a mistake is not good. Instead, you talk to her about language. You help her establish boundaries for the kinds of words she uses and strive to pass on your values regarding the words we speak.
That makes sense to us regarding our kids. But what about our brethren? What about members of our congregation? What do we do when we know one of our brethren lied, lusted, cheated, stole, etc.? Do we yell and scream at them as if they are worthless, flawed, failures who are making your church look bad? Do we shame them, making them jump through hoops to feel forgiven? Do we treat them as if they are less-than? Do we look down on them as if they aren’t quite as spiritual as us? I hope not. That brother or sister is imperfect. They make mistakes. They will sin. To treat them like they are less-than, to shame them, to bitterly and harshly treat them is just not good. How dare we who are just as imperfect and just as sinful treat our brethren as if we are better than they are when we talk to them about their sins.
Perhaps this is why Paul told us to restore those caught in any trespass with gentleness (Galatians 6:1).
Certainly, if someone is living in utter rebellion, harsh rebuke may become necessary. However, to treat other growing Christians as if they are bad Christians just because they aren’t perfect (just like we aren’t perfect) is wrong. Do you know what Jesus did for that brother or sister when He learned about their sins? He died for them.
Think about that the next time you need to talk to a brother or sister about sin in their life. That may help you talk to them God’s way.
Remember, God’s Way Works!
The #1 Reason Your Family Should Own a Dog
I’ve always been opposed to dogs. It’s not that I don’t think they are cute and all when they’re young. I’ve just had numerous reasons for which owning one would be a bad idea. Here are a few:
1. They smell
2. They mess on the carpet
3. They smell
4. They have to be dealt with when you go on trips
5. Vet bills
6. The kids won’t take care of a dog no matter how much they promise to
7. The wife won’t take care of a dog no matter how much she promises to
8. I’ll be stuck taking care of the dog
9. They chew up things
10. Did I mention that they smell?
Anyway, a couple of months ago, we saw a red dachshund that looked just like the dog Marita grew up with. It was suddenly 4 against 1 and I caved. We now own a dog. Yes, I have become attached (another reason I didn’t want a dog). I am very thankful that my good friend, Matt Hicks, let me borrow his copy of Cesar Millan’s Mastering Leadership DVDs (yes, that is an affiliate link). I’ve watched the first one and learned the importance of walking the dog. It has been a tremendous help dealing with little Oscar.
However, the #1 reason your family should own a dog was impressed upon me last Saturday. I opened the fridge expecting to find the four root beers we had left from our vacation last week, one for each of the children and me for lunch. However, there was only one. Tessa had taken three of them while we weren’t paying attention. She had drunk two and given her friend one. Then I looked at the counter and noticed she had finished, without asking, the salt and vinegar Pringles (my favorite). AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!
I’ve been working on angry outbursts. Ephesians 4:31 says I need to put away wrath and clamoring. I have a problem with those and have been working on them. When I saw the one root beer and the empty Pringles can, my blood started to boil. Marita saw what was happening and stepped in with a great suggestion, “Edwin, why don’t you take the dog for a walk?”
“Good idea,” I said through gritted teeth. I walked the dog around the block. It took about 20 minutes (it’s a big block). In that time I was able to recognize that three root beers and some Pringles were not worth the emotional damage I was going to cause with an angry outburst. I developed a plan for talking to Tessa.
When I got home, I calmly explained that she did not have the right or entitlement to raid our fridge or pantry any time she wanted. We, her mom and I, often have plans for the items in there. Before she’s allowed to eat or drink something, she has to ask and make sure it is not disrupting any of our plans for the food and drinks. I also explained that the next time that happened there would be disciplinary measures taken since we had now talked about it and she understood what was being asked of her. She agreed. We’ll see if it happens again.
Of course, the point here is having a dog to walk is a great thing. First, because I’m getting more exercise with that dog than I’ve been getting for a long time. But second and most importantly, the number one reason to have a dog is to take it for walks when you are about to have an angry outburst. Walk, breathe deeply, think about the situation and resolve the problem. Then come back to your family and deal with the situation properly.
Have You Told Your Wife You Love Her? (A video)
It’s not enough to love someone. You have to tell them. Have you told your wife/husband/children/parents you love them today?
Keep in mind that if you’re going to tell them you love them, make sure your actions back up your words. Make sure you use a language they can understand. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out Gary Chapman’s book (yes, it’s coming, wait for it…wait for it…BAM an associate link) The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.
Something Worth Doing, Part 4: Say Something Worth Repeating
(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first in the series and follow the successive links. Also, links to each post in this series are added to that first post as they are made live on the website).
Today, I want to…
…Say Something Worth Repeating
I can’t help but notice what this resolution does not say. It does not say, “I want to say something worth crediting to me.” Some will look at this statement, as I was initially tempted to, and be filled with pride. Oh yes, I want to say something everyone will take upon their lips and repeat the world around. I want it to find its way in to the news, into books, into magazine articles. I want to make sure my name is in the byline. I want people repeating me and knowing it is me they are repeating. I want to be a Jesus, a Socrates, a Benjamin Franklin, a Mark Twain. I want to say things people will record and for which people will hold me in renown.
However, that is not what this resolution says. This resolution says, “I want to say something worth repeating.” You want to say things that will be alright to say again. You want to say things that if someone else says them, it will be alright. You want to say things that if someone does happen to quote you and credit you with them, you won’t be ashamed. Certainly, you want to say things that are so helpful people will want to repeat them. But first, you need to say things that are okay to repeat.
Some Things Aren’t Worth Saying the First Time
This is not as easy as it sounds. There are all kinds of things that are shameful to say the first time, let alone repeat–gossip, slander, foul language, malice, dirty jokes, confidences, bitterness, hate, lewdness.
The list could go on. When we see this list, we easily recognize how bad these things are, but they so easily creep into our speech.
There is a thrill that comes from knowing something and passing it on. For a moment, there is a power you feel as you pass on some juicy detail of gossip and slander or even just passing on something told you in confidence. However, in the end the gossip, slander, and betraying of confidences destroys your relationships and leaves you empty and wasted.
There is a thrill that comes with venting malice, anger, and hatred. You’ll get a little payoff as you get to say the deepest and darkest things you feel and watch others tremble. However, once that moment passes all that will be left you is the knowledge of the hurt and damage you have wreaked in the lives of others and in your relationship with them.
There is a thrill that comes from dabbling in the immoral. You’ll get a little pay off from passing on the immoral jokes, making the lewd double entendres, repeating the foul language. Some small part of you will feel mature. After all, that is the stuff for mature audiences. However, as time goes on, that speech will crowd out your maturity and you will find you are actually immature and unable to relate to people on any level of real maturity. Your mind will be filled with immorality and you will not be able to relate to people as people. They will merely be objects for your immoral thoughts and words.
Trust me, the momentary thrill of these kinds of base speech are not worth the lasting damage they cause to your spirit, your relationships, your life. These things are not worth saying once, let alone repeating.
Paul’s Three Keys for Saying Something Worth Repeating
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Paul provides us with three keys to make sure we are saying something worth repeating.
1. Good for building up.
Picture the person you are talking to as a home. Your words need to build, fortify, strengthen that house, not something that tears down, weakens, or destabilizes it. You need to be laying good foundations in that relationship. You need to be providing great support. You need to be adding protection.
No doubt, at times you will have to say negative things. Every house needs some work. You may have to help remove rotten wood or caulk destructive leaks. Remember, however, your words in this instance are to be about repair and restrengthening, not about demolition and destruction. Your attitude in these cases makes all the difference.
2. Fitting the occasion.
Your words should be appropriate to what is going on. They should meet the needs of the moment. Nothing is worse than the guy who can’t stand the tension, stress, emotion of a moment so he cracks an inappropriate joke. Then there is the woman who can’t seem to stand someone else being the center of attention and pulls every conversation back to herself. Of course, there is always the well-meaning person who believes his job is to fix everything and won’t listen long enough to see all he needs to do is be supportive.
Sometimes, the most fitting thing for the occasion is to simply be quiet. Silence almost always bears repeating. You want to say things worth repeating, but often the occasion merely warrants listening. One of the best ways to say things worth repeating is to just not say much. I can guarantee you this, not saying much will cause people to listen more closely when you do say something.
Having said that, there are also times when silence is not right. When you witness abuse, misuse of power, infringement of justice, error, you have to stand up and speak. Many may not like you, but as long as truth and right are on your side then you’ll be saying things worth repeating.
3. Giving grace.
I know we mentioned this as we learned to write things worth reading, but Paul said something here worth repeating. Whether in writing or in speech, our words should be gifts. They should bestow goodwill, pleasure, blessing.
Picture a birthday party. The table is laden with gifts and whoever you are speaking to is about to open your gift. How would they respond if what was on the inside of that gift was what you were about to say to them? What if tables were turned? Before you say that next sentence, ask yourself, “Would I want to receive these words in a gift?”
In reality, you may never say anything the masses take up as a mantra and pass on from generation to generation. Then again, maybe you will. However, if you remove things not worth repeating from your speech and follow these three guidelines, you may be surprised to find out the great impact you have in the lives of others. At least you will have the peace and joy of knowing that what you say is worth repeating whether or not anybody ever does.
(Come back next Wednesday to learn about Giving Something Worth Getting.)
The #1 Rule to Remember in a Disagreement/Argument
If you’re married and/or have kids, you’re going to have disagreements. There’s no way to get around them. They will happen so get ready. I want to share with you the #1 rule I’ve learned will help you get through all your disagreements. Of course, it takes way more than knowing this rule, you have to apply it. I’ve known it a long time. I’m not always the best at applying it.
Sadly, if I forget to apply this rule while in an argument, I lose focus of what’s most important. My goal becomes to win the argument. Winning means either to get my way, prove I’m right, or just get whoever is disagreeing with me to shut up. It’s also an extra bonus if I force them to have to admit I was right and they were wrong and then hold it over their heads for a while.
Are you seeing where this relationship is going? When this is going on, I may be winning the battles, but I’m losing the relationship. After several of these adventures, the person on the other end of the disagreement just wants to get away from me. Whether it’s Marita, my kids, my extended family, or friends.
So, what’s the #1 rule?
Keep the relationship the main thing.
That’s right, even in the heat of the argument I need to remember that the most important thing is the relationship, not winning the argument, not proving my point, not shutting the other person up, not getting gloating rights, not venting my frustrations, not putting them in their place. The number one thing is growing closer to the person with whom I’m arguing. Yes, even a disagreement can result in closer union and more emotional intimacy.
When we get into a disagreement, we need to remember that in a little while that conversation will be over, the decision will be made, and we’ll still have to live with the person at the other end. Do we really want to live with the result of raging so much we made them cry? Do we really want them walking away saying, “There’s no talking to him/her”? Do we really want them hurt or embittered because of the names we called them? Do we really want them wilting inside thinking they can’t ever talk to us because we don’t fight fair?
When I feel myself getting tensed up, when I hear my voice raising in pitch and volume, when I sense my temperature rising, I need to breath deeply, remind myself what is most important. When this disagreement is dealt with, I want my relationship with the other person to be stronger, deeper, closer. Then I need to ask, how can I listen to their point of view and also express mine in a way that will accomplish that?
Above all, I need to…
Keep the relationship the main thing.













