So, last Thursday night, our exchange daughter, Viktoria, came out of the bathroom. “Edwin, you need to see this!” The shower stall was filled with water backed up from a clogged drain, the sink was filling up  as well, and the toilet was leaking water from underneath the base.  Oh, great! Yep, you guessed it. Blocked up septic system. The septic guy came out Friday morning, cleaned it out, and said we should think about using different toilet paper. I got to thinking about how this mirrors a lot of troubled relationships.

I hope I can develop this illustration without sounding crass or gross. But what was going on with my house’s plumbing? The problem was we were stuffing junk down those pipes, but apparently not the right kind of junk. Above the surface everything seemed to be fine, but underneath a problem was brewing. All the while we just kept stuffing and stuffing and stuffing the wrong paper down the pipes. Eventually, the system just couldn’t handle it and big problems erupted to the surface.

Isn’t that what happens in a lot of relationships–whether husband/wife, parent/child, brother/sister, employer/employee, labor/management, neighbor/neighbor, etc.? Perhaps somebody said or did something to hurt us, maybe they have a habit that bothers us, perhaps they repeatedly do something that we believe takes us for granted. However, we are afraid to rock the boat. The relationship is going smoothly so we just stuff it down the pipes. On the surface, everything seems to be fine; but underneath, trouble is brewing.

The problem is sooner or later all that stuff is going to come back up the pipes. No matter how hard you try to stuff it and ignore it, eventually it is going to erupt all over the “floor” of you relationship. You just can’t stuff this stuff and expect it to stay stuffed. It has to go somewhere and when there’s too much of it in the plumbing of your relationship, the septic system will back up. That get’s nasty.

So, what do you need to do? Learn how to talk about stuff as it’s happening. When something bothers you, learn how to bring it up. Learn how to express yourself. Do it with gentleness, of course. But also do it with firmness that says you are allowed to have your feelings and you need to be able to talk about this. The great thing is if you learn to bring up stuff that bothers you as it happens one at a time, the back up doesn’t happen. Most people can handle it when you bring up one thing that bothers you. It’s when the eruption of all the stuff you’ve been stuffing for weeks, months, maybe even years finally comes up that real problems and destroyed relationships happen.

If it bothers you that someone touches you every time they talk to you, let them know. If someone’s habitual tardiness is causing you problems, talk about it and develop a plan. If someone’s pet nickname for you doesn’t make you feel loved and appreciated, let them know. If someone is repeatedly dropping the ball on their part of the project, have a conversation with them.

Do it early. Do it gently. Do it firmly. Develop good boundaries. Yes, there are some people who are so wounded that they may not be able to handle it. But I guarantee that no matter how healthy they are, if you wait until you’ve stuffed too much of that stuff down in the pipes, when the septic system erupts, the relationship will be damaged.  So figure out how to have that conversation now.

By the way, if you want more information on how to keep your relational septic system from backing up on you, check out the book review I posted last week.

Last week was New Year’s and many of us resolved to watch less tv, read more books. Whether or not that’s the case for you, if you only have one book that you have time to read this year…well, of course, make it the Bible. But if you have time to read two books this year, I’d like to make a recommendation: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.

Check out the video review by clicking the link below.

(For my e-mail subscribers who can’t see the video, click here.)

These are the authors of Boundaries and their work just keeps getting better. This book came out in 2005 and, frankly, I’ve been kicking everyone for not telling me about it sooner. And I promise you this, you’re hearing this post today, if you don’t get this book for a week, a month, a year, two years, five years and then you read it, you’ll be kicking yourself too. In fact, you may even give me a call and let me come kick you.

Let’s face it. We’ve all got those conversations we need to have. Whether it’s with a husband or wife, a brother or sister, a parent or a child, a church leader or a church member, a boss or an employee or a co-worker, a neighbor, a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and yet we’ve been avoiding them. Why? Well, maybe we’re just afraid of conflict. Or maybe we don’t know how to say what needs to be said. Or maybe we’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, or even worse that they may turn it around on us and hurt our feelings. But you only have to put that conversation off long enough to get this book and read it.

This book is jam-packed with powerful principles to help you make your conversations better. When you read this book you’ll learn things about clarifying the problem, making sure to keep “I” and “you” clear, balancing grace and truth, and other profound principles that help us know where conversations go wrong and how to keep from making those mistakes again.

But in addition to that, this book is filled to the brim with practical pointers. They don’t just talk about ethereal concepts and mystical ideas. They bring out real life conversations and real life situations and let us know this is how a conversation can be conducted and bring about good results.

Maybe you’ve had that conversation that you’ve been wanting to have with a wife or a husband, maybe with a boss, a co-worker, a church leader, even someone that you’re dating. There’s a chapter for that filled with profound illustrations that hit right at home where you’ve been, where I’ve been and help us know how to have those conversations. And help us know how to make those conversations draw us closer together instead of dividing us even further apart.

I just finished this book yesterday, and already it’s changing the way I communicate with my family. I have no doubt that if I continue to follow the principles that I’ve read about in this book, that I’m going to make my wife happier, which means my marriage will be happier. Not to mention, my family will be more productive. I won’t have to continue wasting time in those arguments about issues that don’t really matter. Instead, we’ll be able to spend time conversing and communicating with one another in a way that brings us closer together and helps our family have greater unity.

I want to thanks Drs. Cloud and Townsend for writing How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding. I know it’s changing my life, and I know it will change yours. Pick up your copy today. Trust me. You won’t regret it.

—-

P.S. If I were a betting man, I would bet that you don’t need this legally obligated disclaimer to let you know that this post does in fact contain affiliate links. I’m not recommending the book just so I can get a kick back. I’m recommending it because it helped me and I know it will help you. But, while it’s helping you, why don’t you go ahead and help me. Use the affiliate links to get your copy ordered today. In fact, here are a few more.

As I’m sure you could see in the video, I read this book on the Kindle app on my iPad. Here’s the link for the kindle version.

Oh and maybe you need an iPad. Here you go.

Or perhaps you’d like to have the new Kindle Fire. I hear it’s smoking and so much cheaper than an iPad.

Perhaps you’d like to check out more books by Cloud and Townsend. Here you go.

You get the idea. Have a great week and some great conversations.

Okay, this is what I meant for my last card to say, Marita.

Enjoy the skit and go buy your wife a card, guys. Better yet, just let her know you love her in any way you can.

Here’s the link for my e-mail subscribers: http://edwincrozier.com/?p=1958

Anytime people gather together in any kind of organization, communication becomes of utmost importance. So many problems and struggles would be overcome if we could simply learn to communicate better. 

James 1:19 provides three great guidelines for helpful communication. Granted, the text is primarily about our relationship with God. However, I think these three guidelines will help us all with any of our communications.

1. Be quick to hear.

God put the hearing first. Sadly, when I start communicating, I often put cotton in my ears. I quit listening. All I’m thinking about is what I’m going to say next. I’m not listening to figure out what the other person is really saying. Sadly, I too often have my mind made up about what the other person means or thinks ahead of time. Then I interpret everything he/she says in that way and make my responses accordingly. 

I need to be quick to hear, quick to listen. Quick to gain understanding. 

2. Be slow to speak

I need to take the cotton I usually have in my ears and put it in my mouth. I am often ready to jump in to every conversation without even thinking. The first thing that pops into my head will just jump out on the table. Once it is said, it is too late to pull it back in. Even when I figure out later that I had misunderstood what was really going on, I won’t be able to fix that. I need to quit thinking that my thoughts are the most important in the discussion. 

I need to be slow to speak. Slow to voice my opinion. Slow to show my ignorance and lack of understanding. I need to wait to speak until I really know what is going on and have something worthwhile to say.

3. Be slow to anger

I think it is very interesting that this is part of the communication guidelines. How easily I become angered with others. But I have learned that my anger never does me any good. I can even call it righteous indignation and drum up a thousand reasons why I’m in the right and the others are in the wrong. However, not once has my anger ever solved any problems between me and other people. My anger has only ever made things worse. My anger has often made miscommunications all out wars. If I’m angry, I need to deal with it. But I need to deal with it properly. As Paul says in Ephesians 4:26-27, anger gives Satan a foothold. We need to deal with it quickly and properly or he’ll weasel his way into our lives and relationships and absolutely destroy them.

I need to be slow to anger. Slow to vent my wrath. I need to breathe deeply and maintain my calm so a cool head can prevail.

There are numerous times in the life of a church that violating these guidelines can produce all manner of problems, whether in interpersonal relationships, relationships with the elders, preaching, teaching, everything. Peace doesn’t happen accidentally in a congregation. Peace happens when we all learn to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

When a child spills some milk what do you do? Do you yell and scream at him as if he is a worthless, flawed, failure? I hope not. That little child is imperfect and makes mistakes. To treat him like he has no value or is less-than when he makes a mistake is not good. Instead, show him how to clean up his mess. Talk him through how and why the mess was made so he might avoid the same mistake in the future.

What about when a child says a cuss word? Do you yell and scream at her as if she is a worthless, flawed, failure who is making you look like a bad parent? I hope not. That child is imperfect and makes mistakes. To treat her like she has no value or is less-than when she makes a mistake is not good. Instead, you talk to her about language. You help her establish boundaries for the kinds of words she uses and strive to pass on your values regarding the words we speak.

That makes sense to us regarding our kids. But what about our brethren? What about members of our congregation? What do we do when we know one of our brethren lied, lusted, cheated, stole, etc.? Do we yell and scream at them as if they are worthless, flawed, failures who are making your church look bad? Do we shame them, making them jump through hoops to feel forgiven? Do we treat them as if they are less-than? Do we look down on them as if they aren’t quite as spiritual as us? I hope not. That brother or sister is imperfect. They make mistakes. They will sin. To treat them like they are less-than, to shame them, to bitterly and harshly treat them is just not good. How dare we who are just as imperfect and just as sinful treat our brethren as if we are better than they are when we talk to them about their sins.

Perhaps this is why Paul told us to restore those caught in any trespass with gentleness (Galatians 6:1).

Certainly, if someone is living in utter rebellion, harsh rebuke may become necessary. However, to treat other growing Christians as if they are bad Christians just because they aren’t perfect (just like we aren’t perfect) is wrong. Do you know what Jesus did for that brother or sister when He learned about their sins? He died for them.

Think about that the next time you need to talk to a brother or sister about sin in their life. That may help you talk to them God’s way.

Remember, God’s Way Works!

I'm not sure why Tessa looks so sad here.

I’ve always been opposed to dogs. It’s not that I don’t think they are cute and all when they’re young. I’ve just had numerous reasons for which owning one would be a bad idea. Here are a few:

1. They smell
2. They mess on the carpet
3. They smell
4. They have to be dealt with when you go on trips
5. Vet bills
6. The kids won’t take care of a dog no matter how much they promise to
7. The wife won’t take care of a dog no matter how much she promises to
8. I’ll be stuck taking care of the dog
9. They chew up things
10. Did I mention that they smell?

Anyway, a couple of months ago, we saw a red dachshund that looked just like the dog Marita grew up with. It was suddenly 4 against 1 and I caved. We now own a dog. Yes, I have become attached (another reason I didn’t want a dog). I am very thankful that my good friend, Matt Hicks, let me borrow his copy of Cesar Millan’s Mastering Leadership DVDs (yes, that is an affiliate link). I’ve watched the first one and learned the importance of walking the dog. It has been a tremendous help dealing with little Oscar.

However, the #1 reason your family should own a dog was impressed upon me last Saturday. I opened the fridge expecting to find the four root beers we had left from our vacation last week, one for each of the children and me for lunch. However, there was only one. Tessa had taken three of them while we weren’t paying attention. She had drunk two and given her friend one. Then I looked at the counter and noticed she had finished, without asking, the salt and vinegar Pringles (my favorite). AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!

I’ve been working on angry outbursts. Ephesians 4:31 says I need to put away wrath and clamoring. I have a problem with those and have been working on them. When I saw the one root beer and the empty Pringles can, my blood started to boil. Marita saw what was happening and stepped in with a great suggestion, “Edwin, why don’t you take the dog for a walk?”

“Good idea,” I said through gritted teeth. I walked the dog around the block. It took about 20 minutes (it’s a big block). In that time I was able to recognize that three root beers and some Pringles were not worth the emotional damage I was going to cause with an angry outburst. I developed a plan for talking to Tessa.

When I got home, I calmly explained that she did not have the right or entitlement to raid our fridge or pantry any time she wanted. We, her mom and I, often have plans for the items in there. Before she’s allowed to eat or drink something, she has to ask and make sure it is not disrupting any of our plans for the food and drinks. I also explained that the next time that happened there would be disciplinary measures taken since we had now talked about it and she understood what was being asked of her. She agreed. We’ll see if it happens again.

Of course, the point here is having a dog to walk is a great thing. First, because I’m getting more exercise with that dog than I’ve been getting for a long time. But second and most importantly, the number one reason to have a dog is to take it for walks when you are about to have an angry outburst. Walk, breathe deeply, think about the situation and resolve the problem. Then come back to your family and deal with the situation properly.

It’s not enough to love someone. You have to tell them. Have you told your wife/husband/children/parents you love them today?

Keep in mind that if you’re going to tell them you love them, make sure your actions back up your words. Make sure you use a language they can understand. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out Gary Chapman’s book (yes, it’s coming, wait for it…wait for it…BAM an associate link) The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.

(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one. By the way, please check out the site for the Kelsey Wynne Harris Foundation and help promote the foundation by purchasing any of the Life’s More Interesting products. By the way, unlike the other links in this post, there is no affiliation link here. None of your purchases of these products grease my pockets.)

I don’t even want to go into all the emotional reasons I took a break from this series. However, for those who have been faithful to check back every Wednesday to find out more about “Something Worth Doing” my tribute to Kelsey Harris and her poem, thank you. To those who have been disappointed with their absence. I’m sorry. However, I’m excited to provide you with the next installment. Enjoy.

Today, I Want To…

Listen to Something Worth Hearing

The Sounds of Silence

The world is a cacophony of noise. Everywhere we go, we hear it. We can hardly think in restaurants with televisions blaring, background music bopping, and conversations echoing off the ceramic tile floors. Hop in the car and we usually elect to have the same experience there by turning on the radio. We carry our mp3 players with us so that when it gets too quiet, we can have some noise.

Noise, noise, everywhere but not a sound to listen to. Before you even worry about listening to something worth hearing, you need to get comfortable with silence. Of course, there is no complete silence. You just need to get used to time without artificial noise.

Walk outside, sit in your yard, close your eyes, and listen to God’s creation. Hear birds calling. Hear the distant dog barking. Hear the grass whisper. Hear the leaves cackle. Hear the wind whistle. Have you ever noticed that all that is going on? Let what God has made in this world amaze you. Meditate on your part in it. Notice the noises man is making. Hear the neighbor cutting his grass. Hear the cars travel down the road. Hear the far off plane fly overhead. Hear the neighborhood kids shout as they play ball. Hear a nearby mother call for her children. Have you ever let any of that human activity register? Let what goes on in life impact you. Think of your part in it.

Don’t stop this too quickly. Don’t get impatient thinking you need to get something done. Simply be amazed and sit in humility over your small part of this gigantic world and community. The sound of God’s world and God’s people is worth taking some time to listen to.

Recognize the Worthiness of Those Talking To You

Here is the first key to be able to listen to things worth hearing. SHUT UP! So many of us miss out on what is worth hearing because we won’t stop talking. We want everyone to believe we are worth listening to. Quit making every conversation about you. When your friends are telling you about their frustration, their success, their struggle, their victory, resist the urge to follow it up with, “I know just what you’re talking about, listen to what happened to me.” If you ask someone a question, close your mouth, open your ears and listen to their answer. You might just end up listening to something worth hearing.

This, of course, take a healthy dose of humility. You have to realize that you aren’t the only person in the world who says things worth hearing. This especially takes humility if the one speaking is saying something with which you disagree. You need to understand that worthiness is not based on whether or not it agrees with what you already think. We have to learn to turn off our quick judgment and listen to understand. There have been many cases in which I discovered that what I initially disagreed with was right, I just had to take some time to hear the person out.

In addition to having some personal humility, start granting to others that they are worthy to speak. What your spouse says is worth hearing. What your parents say is worthy hearing. What your kids say is worth hearing. What your co-workers say is worth hearing. What your neighbors say is worth hearing. What your friends say is worth hearing. What your fellow church members say is worth hearing. They aren’t all idiots. They are worthy. That doesn’t mean you have to always agree or accept what they say. It does mean you need to back up and recognize their worthiness to speak. You never know what you might learn and how you might improve when you recognize that you do not have all wisdom and knowledge; these people God has placed around you might just be of some help.

Place Yourself In Situations to Listen to Things Worth Hearing

Too many of us don’t listen to things worth hearing because we hang out in places and relationships where nothing worth hearing is said. Instead, we need to go to places and find people where worthy things are said.

If we watch movies, listen to music, hang out with people that promote immorality, pride, revenge, hate,and other sins, we are only going to listen to things that aren’t worth hearing. However, if we find wise counselors, moral friends, pure music and movies, we have a much better chance for reaching this goal today.

I can’t help but think about Paul’s words in Ephesians 5:11-12. “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.” Get these situations out of your lives. Turn off the crass comedians. Turn away from those who brag about their sin and wrongdoing. Instead, put yourself with people who say things worth hearing. As the Proverbialist says, wise counselors bring safety and victory (Proverbs 11:14; 24:6).

Let me highlight one specific you need to cut out in order to place yourself in the situation to listen to things worth hearing. Get rid of gossip and slander. If you pursue the juicy tidbit, the speck of dirt, the sordid secret, you aren’t going to listen to things worth hearing. Instead, your going to hear things no one should listen to. Don’t hang out with gossips. If your friends’ favorite words are, “Don’t tell anyone I said this,” you may need to find new friends. Spend time with people who keep their secrets and build others up to their faces and behind their backs. These are the kind of people who say things worth hearing.

Finally, find things worth listening to instead of just trying to be entertained all the time. I love to sing along to the radio as much as the next guy. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if most of your listening time is spent just being entertained, you are missing out on a lot of worthy stuff. If you have an mp3 player, start subscribing to podcasts that will help you be a better person. Sign up to hear sermons from preachers that want to help you spiritually. Purchase audio books to improve yourself. Listen to self-help podcasts. Find trade specific shows that will improve you in your work. Find family related podcasts that will help you at home. Sure, listen to your music sometime, but make sure to let that commute be beneficial, not just entertaining.

Above All Listen to Him Who Is Above All

Recognize that we are not alone in the world. There is a Higher Power who put you here. He does care for you. He wants to help you. Listen to what He has to say. No, I don’t think He will speak to you with an audible voice. However, I do think He will speak to you.

He speaks to you through His Word. His Spirit revealed it so we might know Him. He guides us in all that we need to know and do, equipping us for every good work. He has the wisdom that we do not.

I also think He speaks to you through His other children. Listen to the experience, strength, hope others have to offer. Heed the advice of fellow travelers on the spiritual journey, especially those farther down the road than you. God places these people in our lives for a reason.

Don’t turn your back on what God has to say to you. What He says is the most worthy word to hear.

We hear a lot of things every day. Today lets start filtering some of it. Close your mouth. Open your ears. Listen to understand. Respect others. Listen to something worth hearing.

(Come back next week as we learn about “Teaching Something Worth Learning.”)

(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first in the series and follow the successive links. Also, links to each post in this series are added to that first post as they are made live on the website).

Today, I want to…

…Say Something Worth Repeating

I can’t help but notice what this resolution does not say. It does not say, “I want to say something worth crediting to me.” Some will look at this statement, as I was initially tempted to, and be filled with pride. Oh yes, I want to say something everyone will take upon their lips and repeat the world around. I want it to find its way in to the news, into books, into magazine articles. I want to make sure my name is in the byline. I want people repeating me and knowing it is me they are repeating. I want to be a Jesus, a Socrates, a Benjamin Franklin, a Mark Twain. I want to say things people will record and for which people will hold me in renown.

However, that is not what this resolution says. This resolution says, “I want to say something worth repeating.” You want to say things that will be alright to say again. You want to say things that if someone else says them, it will be alright. You want to say things that if someone does happen to quote you and credit you with them, you won’t be ashamed. Certainly, you want to say things that are so helpful people will want to repeat them. But first, you need to say things that are okay to repeat.

Some Things Aren’t Worth Saying the First Time

This is not as easy as it sounds. There are all kinds of things that are shameful to say the first time, let alone repeat–gossip, slander, foul language, malice, dirty jokes, confidences, bitterness, hate, lewdness.The list could go on. When we see this list, we easily recognize how bad these things are, but they so easily creep into our speech.

There is a thrill that comes from knowing something and passing it on. For a moment, there is a power you feel as you pass on some juicy detail of gossip and slander or even just passing on something told you in confidence. However, in the end the gossip, slander, and betraying of confidences destroys your relationships and leaves you empty and wasted.

There is a thrill that comes with venting malice, anger, and hatred. You’ll get a little payoff as you get to say the deepest and darkest things you feel and watch others tremble. However, once that moment passes all that will be left you is the knowledge of the hurt and damage you have wreaked in the lives of others and in your relationship with them.

There is a thrill that comes from dabbling in the immoral. You’ll get a little pay off from passing on the immoral jokes, making the lewd double entendres, repeating the foul language. Some small part of you will feel mature. After all, that is the stuff for mature audiences. However, as time goes on, that speech will crowd out your maturity and you will find you are actually immature and unable to relate to people on any level of real maturity. Your mind will be filled with immorality and you will not be able to relate to people as people. They will merely be objects for your immoral thoughts and words.

Trust me, the momentary thrill of these kinds of base speech are not worth the lasting damage they cause to your spirit, your relationships, your life. These things are not worth saying once, let alone repeating.

Paul’s Three Keys for Saying Something Worth Repeating

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Paul provides us with three keys to make sure we are saying something worth repeating.

1. Good for building up.

Picture the person you are talking to as a home. Your words need to build, fortify, strengthen that house, not something that tears down, weakens, or destabilizes it. You need to be laying good foundations in that relationship. You need to be providing great support. You need to be adding protection.

No doubt, at times you will have to say negative things. Every house needs some work. You may have to help remove rotten wood or caulk destructive leaks. Remember, however, your words in this instance are to be about repair and restrengthening, not about demolition and destruction. Your attitude in these cases makes all the difference.

2. Fitting the occasion.

Your words should be appropriate to what is going on. They should meet the needs of the moment. Nothing is worse than the guy who can’t stand the tension, stress, emotion of a moment so he cracks an inappropriate joke. Then there is the woman who can’t seem to stand someone else being the center of attention and pulls every conversation back to herself. Of course, there is always the well-meaning person who believes his job is to fix everything and won’t listen long enough to see all he needs to do is be supportive.

Sometimes, the most fitting thing for the occasion is to simply be quiet. Silence almost always bears repeating. You want to say things worth repeating, but often the occasion merely warrants listening. One of the best ways to say things worth repeating is to just not say much. I can guarantee you this, not saying much will cause people to listen more closely when you do say something.

Having said that, there are also times when silence is not right. When you witness abuse, misuse of power, infringement of justice, error, you have to stand up and speak. Many may not like you, but as long as truth and right are on your side then you’ll be saying things worth repeating.

3. Giving grace.

I know we mentioned this as we learned to write things worth reading, but Paul said something here worth repeating. Whether in writing or in speech, our words should be gifts. They should bestow goodwill, pleasure, blessing.

Picture a birthday party. The table is laden with gifts and whoever you are speaking to is about to open your gift. How would they respond if what was on the inside of that gift was what you were about to say to them? What if tables were turned? Before you say that next sentence, ask yourself, “Would I want to receive these words in a gift?”

In reality, you may never say anything the masses take up as a mantra and pass on from generation to generation. Then again, maybe you will. However, if you remove things not worth repeating from your speech and follow these three guidelines, you may be surprised to find out the great impact you have in the lives of others. At least you will have the peace and joy of knowing that what you say is worth repeating whether or not anybody ever does.

(Come back next Wednesday to learn about Giving Something Worth Getting.)

If you’re married and/or have kids, you’re going to have disagreements. There’s no way to get around them. They will happen so get ready. I want to share with you the #1 rule I’ve learned will help you get through all your disagreements. Of course, it takes way more than knowing this rule, you have to apply it. I’ve known it a long time. I’m not always the best at applying it.

Sadly, if I forget to apply this rule while in an argument, I lose focus of what’s most important. My goal becomes to win the argument. Winning means either to get my way, prove I’m right, or just get whoever is disagreeing with me to shut up. It’s also an extra bonus if I force them to have to admit I was right and they were wrong and then hold it over their heads for a while. 

Are you seeing where this relationship is going? When this is going on, I may be winning the battles, but I’m losing the relationship. After several of these adventures, the person on the other end of the disagreement just wants to get away from me. Whether it’s Marita, my kids, my extended family, or friends. 

So, what’s the #1 rule? 

Keep the relationship the main thing.

That’s right, even in the heat of the argument I need to remember that the most important thing is the relationship, not winning the argument, not proving my point, not shutting the other person up, not getting gloating rights, not venting my frustrations, not putting them in their place. The number one thing is growing closer to the person with whom I’m arguing. Yes, even a disagreement can result in closer union and more emotional intimacy.

When we get into a disagreement, we need to remember that in a little while that conversation will be over, the decision will be made, and we’ll still have to live with the person at the other end. Do we really want to live with the result of raging so much we made them cry? Do we really want them walking away saying, “There’s no talking to him/her”? Do we really want them hurt or embittered because of the names we called them? Do we really want them wilting inside thinking they can’t ever talk to us because we don’t fight fair?

When I feel myself getting tensed up, when I hear my voice raising in pitch and volume, when I sense my temperature rising, I need to breath deeply, remind myself what is most important. When this disagreement is dealt with, I want my relationship with the other person to be stronger, deeper, closer. Then I need to ask, how can I listen to their point of view and also express mine in a way that will accomplish that?

Above all, I need to…

Keep the relationship the main thing.