I know what I want for Thanksgiving…TURKEY!!!! Sweet potatoes, stuffing, gravy, ham, green beans, a little salad to fool myself into thinking it is kind of healthy this year, yeast rolls. Yes! I want to rest and relax. I want to play games with the kids. I want a break from working. Ah, yes, that’s what I want. Hmmmm. I wonder what Marita wants.
I know this may shock you, but my family and I have a terrible struggle with keeping a scheduled family Bible study and prayer time. We’ve learned all kinds of great ways to study and pray together. I’ve written about one of my favorites on this blog. But despite how inspiring some of these methods are, we get them started, do well for a while, and then it falls off. The struggle is often with making the schedules work. I don’t have a set schedule. I’ll have meetings come up or studies come up or I’ll have to go out of town. Or maybe something comes up for Marita or the kids. It gets in the way of our Bible study and prayer schedule and then, after a few misses, the habit is broken. A few weeks or months later, we are convicted about our lack of devotion and we get back on the family Bible study bandwagon feeling all kinds of shame and guilt.
I guess it’s been a couple of months ago now that my wife asked me to start having Bible studies with each of the kids. My initial thought was, “What? Are you kidding me? Do you know how much work I have to do each day?” I couldn’t believe she was asking me to add this in to my day. Sure, I want to have some family time in the Word each week, but add in three Bible studies?
I wondered if she had forgotten that we had just moved to work with a new congregation. I was busy trying to meet people. I was establishing new studies with people, trying to visit with guests in the congregation. Not to mention we had moved from a congregation in which I had to preach once a week and now have to preach twice (I know, I know, most of you other preachers are playing the violin and weeping for me). How could she ask me to do this?
I was conflicted. In fact, I felt guilty. I knew this should be something I wanted to do. After all, I am the dad. My job is to lead my family. My job is to raise my kids in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. But at first, all I could see was the sacrifice of my time and how it would get in they way of my “job.”
Then something hit me. If one of my neighbors called up and asked for a Bible study, I would be all over that. If a visitor in the church asked for a study, I would jump at the chance. If anybody in the congregation asked me to have a study with their family and their children, I’d be making all kinds of room in my schedule. Why? That’s my job. It’s what I do. It’s who I am. I study the Bible with people. I’m always looking for opportunities to do that.
Suddenly it became clear. I now have three opportunities to study every week with someone. These three people are extremely important to me. I want them to serve God more than I want anyone else to. Why on earth would I get upset about scheduling time with them to study the Word? Now, no matter what, I get to have at least three Bible studies per week. I get to share God’s word with three people. Sometimes we get a lot out of it. Sometimes it is a struggle. But this is my life. It’s what I do. I can hardly believe I was ready to miss out on the opportunity just because I was having a skewed perspective.
I bring all this up because I’ve met a lot of dads (and moms) who bemoan the fact that they have always wanted to be able to teach someone the gospel, to have personal work or evangelistic studies and help others get to heaven. They are sincere about that, but they consistently overlook the very people God gave them to teach.
Why not set up your first weekly Bible study? Why not do it with your children? You can do it with them as a group or work with each of them individually. Either way, if you’re looking for someone to share the gospel with, why not do it with your kids. They need it too.
And remember, God’s way works for your family.
As is often the case after I spend a week with parents I think are doing a better job than me, I have loaded up on parental encouragement in the form of books. Thank you Half Price Bookstore. I’ve come across one that I think is going to revolutionize my thinking about my job as Dad and my expectations of my children.
The book is Rite of Passage Parenting: Four Essential Experiences to Equip Your Kids for Life
I haven’t finished the book yet, but I’ve read enough to be excited about its promise and if the book falls flat in delivering good advice the mere concept has opened my eyes to a better way to work with my kids. Sometimes I think he is over the top with his satirical humor (perhaps the result of working as a youth minister–one can tend to forget that in writing a book for parents he no longer has to shoot from the hip with excessive humor). Additionally, some of his illustrations fall flat for me because of the difference in perspective on things like prom. However, I’m getting a great deal out of this book and I look forward to telling you all about it when I’m finished.
Today, I thought I would simply throw out the concept and leave you with a passage from the book to whet your appetite.
Walton’s Mountain Revisited
While I was growing up, my parents used to make us sit through (back then, it seemed more like “suffer through”) a television show called The Waltons. Each week the show reached us throug the vision and voice of John-Boy, the eldest son of John and Olivia Walton. John-Boy worked with his dad on a farm in the Blue Ridge Mountains and helped him run the sawmill.
Today, this show might be considered politically incorrect. For instance, John and Olivia actually expected John-Boy to work–planting corn, feeding livestock, and chopping wood. He and his six siblings had to do their chores in order for the family to survive. You would never hear his dad say, “You know what? We ought to let our kids be kids. They’ll grow up soon enough.”
If The Waltons had been written about our modern-day family, the show would look very different. First of all, no one would expect John-Boy to help his family. While his dad tried to keep the farm going, John-Boy would sit in his room, playing video games. His sole responsibilities would consist of making his bed and taking out the trash. He could only accomplish these tasks, of course, with tremendous whining, complaining, and snorting like a bull poised for attack.
If the contemporary John and Olivia ever dared to let John-Boy go outside, he would certainly have to be covered from head to toe in protective gear. Can you see our modern-day John-Boy coming out to chop wood? He would have a helmet–not just any old helmet, but one that had passed all the government safety ratings. He would don protective eyewear, elbow pads, and safety shoes with reinforced steel toes. His parents would make sure he had a rope tying the axe handle to his wrist. That way, if he let the ax slip, it wouldn’t go very far. It would have a safety shield covering its head so John-Boy wouldn’t accidentally cut himself. Of course, it would also come with a safety DVD so he could learn which end was sharp and how he should always keep it point away from his face. Finally, the ax would come shrink-wrapped in clear plastic–the kind that even a nuclear blast can’t break free.
I’m sure you get the idea of where this is going. I can’t wait to learn more about helping my children become adults. I’ll share with you what I learn as we’re going along.
*This post does contain affiliate links. Hey, I’m trying to help you with your parenting. Why don’t you help me with mine, click the link, buy a book, help my kids. Here’s another chance.
Have you ever read or heard something that was so subtly profound that it was almost as if you heard an audible click somewhere in your mind as a puzzle piece locked into place. Perhaps it makes something fit about life, about a relationship, or maybe just about yourself and something you’ve been struggling with.
This happened to me yesterday. I’m reading John Powell’s The Secret of Staying in Love
“Why have I become such a jealous guardian of his humility?”
Someone is rejoicing over a victory, but I don’t want to rejoice with them because I’d hate for it to go to his head. In fact, I want to kick him when he is down because I want to make sure how much work he still has to do. He/she needs to know just how pitiful they are and I’d hate to think they were something more than what they are. I have to make sure that they hear from me exactly what I think they are capable or incapable of. Again, when did I become such a jealous guardian of their humility? When did that become my job?
Do I do this with my wife and kids? Do I see myself as the jealous guardian of the humility of my family? Do I see myself as the lone voice of wisdom that God has placed on this earth and in this family to make sure everyone knows their place? And of course, their place is somewhere subservient to me.
Oh, I’m not suggesting that I should never offer any critical advice. I’m simply suggesting I need to check my motives. Why am I so intent on making sure someone else’s head doesn’t get too big? When did that become my job? Isn’t my job as a husband to love and cherish my wife? Isn’t it to edify her and lift her up? Isn’t it to help her see what is best about her and what is glorious? Isn’t my job as a father to bring my children up to maturity, not keep them down? Isn’t my job to help them discover what their inate gifts and abilities are, providing them the encouragement and resources to pursue those things?
If my family is like me, there will be plenty of scenarios in life to help them stay humble. In fact, I’m pretty sure if humility is the thing they need to help them glorify and serve God, God is pretty good at allowing thorns in the flesh to make sure that happens.
And so again, I have to ask why I have become such a jealous guardian of their humility? Maybe the issue isn’t with my family. Maybe it is with me. Maybe I need to spend some time looking at what is going on in me to find out why their victories, rejoicing, successes, compliments cause me such inner turmoil. Perhaps I need to spend some time getting humble before God and figuring out what fears and insecurities are crippling my relationships with others.
I need to quit being the jealous guardian of others’ humility and instead be the victorious champion of their joy and well-being.
Remember, Gods’ way works for our families.
PS. I want to share a victory. I played The Settlers of Catan
* Yes, these were affiliate links. Trust me, you want to click on them and buy something. John Powell’s books are easy reads and truly profound and there just isn’t a game that is much more fun than Settlers of Catan. Here, I’ll give you another opportunity.
I just have to share because I rarely come up with a great idea that seems to work so well. Last week I came up with a song to sing to my 2-year-old, Trina. It is now her song and she asks me to sing it all the time. It is not a big thing, but I encourage you to try it with your kids. Get creative, take some time.
I’m now working on songs for the other kids. But, since they’re older, I’m not sure they would appreciate me sharing the songs online, however, they seem to like the idea of having their own little song that I sing to them–at least the boys do.
Here’s Trina’s. It is to the tune of “I’m a Little Teapot.” By the way, just a word of explanation, somewhere along the way, Trina received the nickname, “Trina Bean.” That has led to all sorts of variations. String bean, Trin Bean, Trina Beansprout. Don’t ask me how Marita landed on that last one, I don’t know. But it stuck and that is why it is in this song.
You’re my Trina beansprout, cute and sweet.
Here is your nosey, here are your feet.
You’re huggable and kissable, you’re so neat.
Time with you is such a treat.
As I’m sure you’ve guessed, I pinch her nose, tickle her feet, hug and kiss her at the appropriate times. It is now part of our nightly ritual and I sing it throughout the day. She loves it and I believe it lets her know how much I love her.
I encourage you to turn on your creative juices and find a special song for each of your special children. Even if they are a little older, you may be surprised how much they appreciate it (even if they won’t let on).
One caveat, if your kids are older, you may want to keep the song between you and them. They probably won’t feel so special if you sing it to them in front of their best friends.
Have a great week and may God bless your family,
ELC
PS: I’ll throw this in for free. If you live in Indiana, take your kids to Turkey Run. Rocky Hollow, the Punch Bowl, Boulder Canyon, and the ladders are just too good to miss. The picture with today’s post was taken there yesterday. As you can see, my little Trina Beansprout is just about conked out. Yet, she never did go to sleep. We’d hit a bump and she would jump up, “I’m awake! I’m awake, Daddy!” “Okay sweetie, go back to sleep.”
Many of you know I run a Bible reading blog as well (giveattentiontoreading.com). Today’s reading really hit me with the example of Jesus having compassion on the crowds even when He was mourning for the loss of His cousin, John. At the other blog, I just talked about taking time for others in general.
However, what was really on my mind was my kids. Sadly, all too often I get so caught up in me that I simply don’t have time for my kids. We bought Backyard Ballistics
We allow each of our children to be involved in one sport at a time. But when its game or practice time, I’m usually irritated for the interruption in my schedule. Marita often asks me to be involved in more of their homeschooling activities and I often come up with a really good excuse to put her off.
I could go on and on with good examples of how selfish I can be as a father, but I’m feeling enough shame and guilt as it is. The sad thing is if I’m not careful I can get so caught up in all my good work that I simply can’t be bothered by my kids and that is what they become to me–a bother.
Oh sure, there are times when I really do have very important things that need to be done and I simply cannot do something with my kids at those times. Further, there are times when I need to direct them in their own activities and they don’t have time to do something with me. However, I have to remember that one of the most important jobs God has given me is the stewarding of these four blessings. I can’t raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord if I find an excuse to avoid most of our time together because it doesn’t fit on my grand schedule for my plans.
I’m trying to remember that there will be plenty of years down the line when they are no longer in my home and I’ll no longer have the opportunity to be bothered by them. I need to make the most of those opportunities right now.
Have a great day and spend some time with your kids.
__________
Check out the books I mentioned, they really are great.
My default response to the kids is, “No.” I hear the words, “Dad, can I…” and my tongue starts tipping against the roof of my mouth automatically. “No.” I can say it sympathetically. I can say it resoundingly. I can say it firmly. I can say it at the top of my voice. I can say it in a whisper. I’m pretty good at saying, “No.” Why? Because “No” doesn’t take any thought.
Can you go over to so-and-so’s house today? I don’t want to think about it; No. Can you have this or that? I don’t want to put brain power to that; No. Can you try something or experiment with the other thing? I’m not wasting any precious thinking time on that; No.
I learned something last week. Yes is better. Oh, don’t get me wrong. No is necessary. But it doesn’t have to be the default. By default I mean, I normally have a ready made “No” and have to be convinced of a good reason to say, “Yes.” Perhaps the better approach is let the default be “Yes” and force myself to have a good reason before saying, “No.”
Last week, or maybe it was the week before, we were burning limbs at my house. Tessa had a brilliant idea. She had always wanted to hold a real life torch. She decided to grab an old sock, wrap it around the end of a stick and put it in the fire. Now that would have to be some amazing fun. But, there I was, my practiced response at the ready. I could see where this was going as soon as the sock came out, “No.” “But dad, this is an old sock that doesn’t fit me.” “NO.” “Dad, I have money to buy new socks.” “NO!”
I know, I know. Some of you are saying, “Why did you even let her argue? You said, ‘No.’ She should have said, ‘Yes, sir,’ and been done with it.” I’m sure there is some truth to that. However, when you’ve learned that the answer will always be “no” unless you give some good reasons, you get pretty practiced at firing off some good reasons while you have a chance. I think I might have a better chance of getting her to quit arguing with me if she learns that I’m a yes guy unless there is a good reason to say, “No.” If the default is always “No,” I’m guessing the rebellion will always simmer beneath the surface.
Back to my story. After saying, “No,” it hit me. Really? Why “No”? I’ve always thought it might be kind of cool to have a torch too. I’ve never gotten to hold one. I’ve only seen them in the movies. It is just a sock. We’re talking a few dollars to have an experience. How many of you have actually created your own torch? I don’t mean just putting a stick in the fire, I mean a real, honest to goodness torch that light’s up the night like a flashlight. The kind they use on Lost.
I backed up and said, “You know what, Tessa. Let’s make a torch.” Then I was in on the fun. I took some lighter fluid and completely soaked the sock. We stuck it in the flame and we had a torch. Tessa was excited. All the kids were chomping at the bit, “I want to hold it. I want to hold it.” I got to hold it too. We learned something. Torches that seem to last for hours in the movies would leave you lost in the dark in real life (unless they have some other kind of fluid to burn that lasts longer). Our torch only lasted about five minutes. But it sure was fun. The next night when we were burning another group of limbs, I was at the ready for a torch for each child. What a blast. The neighborhood kids got a kick out of it too.
The lesson for me in all of this was that “No” doesn’t have to be the default. Maybe “Yes” could start being the default. Maybe my first thought should be, “Yeah, that sounds like fun.” Then I have to think it through and see if there is a real reason to say “No.” To be sure, there will be plenty of reasons to say “No.” Something might be too dangerous, too costly, not enough time, not the right time, too mature, too immature, too hurtful, or just plain against the rules. There will be plenty of time to say, “No.” If my kids ask to play dodge brick, I can say “No.” If they want to hang on to the hood of the car while we drive down the interstate, I’ll probably say, “No” (although that one is kind of tempting). If they want me to spend more money that we can budget on a television or some other gadget, I can say, “No.” But it doesn’t have to be the default just because I’m too lazy to think up a reason not to do it.
I’m going to try this new approach and see how it works. My default is going to be, “Yes,” and I’ll have to think up a reason to say, “No,” instead of the other way around. Why don’t you try this for a while and see what it does for your family?
Last night was an all-time high for me. I was faced with a choice and I think I made the right one. We attempted to go to the movies on Valentines day. It was absolutely packed. We left. So, yesterday I told the boys I would take them to the movies, just them and Dad. It was going to be great. That is, until we got in the car and started to head north to Franklin and discovered the snow had started to stick and was making the roads very slippery. It was coming down torrentially (can snow come in torrents or is that just rain). I was sure it would be much worse in three hours when it came time to come home. So we just made the loop and went back home.
Ethan, who really wanted to see this movie, having already read the book, was crushed. Two days in a row of getting his hopes up and then getting them dashed at the last possible moment was just more than his ten-year-old psyche could handle. He started crying.
Now, my selfish, hardnosed self wanted to say, “Buck up. Don’t you realize this is small potatoes? Don’t you understand that we’ll see the movie later? Quit crying.” But God must have been doing for me what I can’t do for myself. In that moment, I remembered Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” It doesn’t say tell the weeping that what upsets them is unimportant. It doesn’t say simply try to cheer them up. It doesn’t say discount why they are weeping. It doesn’t say tell them to stop weeping or tell them to buck up. It says weep with those who weep. With that verse in mind I tried to understand what it must be like to have your heart set on something and two days in a row have it come crashing down. It may not be a big deal to me, but it is to him. I tried to think of some scenario in which I would be just as disappointed and sad. I can think of the time I was going to get to see all my friends from Beaumont after doing some preaching in Houston but a hurricane came through and we were all fleeing for our lives. I was extremely sad. I remember being crushed. It was nobody’s fault, that’s just the way it was, but I was so upset about it.
When we got home, I took Ethan to my room, sat in the lazyboy we have up there, and just held him as he cried. I’m very glad that my son feels safe enough with me to let his emotions show. I’m very glad that he was willing to let me hold him and console him. We were able to talk about how life is just disappointing sometimes and its okay to be sad. He then wanted to go see his mom and I let him.
That was a victory for me. I hope the next time one of my children cry, I can have the same Romans 12:15 mindset.
