I’m glad I’m reading The Secret of Staying in Love* by John Powell. These are lessons I need to grasp. Even though he doesn’t reference Bible verses, I believe his point is biblical. This is an excerpt from his chapter “Human Needs and the Experience of Love” about unconditional love. This is the kind of love we need to develop for spouses, children, and parents.

thesis three: effective love is unconditional

Love may be given either conditionally or unconditionally. There is no other possibility. Either I attach conditions to my love or I do not. I would like to say at this point that only unconditional love can effect change in the life of the person to whom that love is offered.

In his work, Conceptions of Modern Psychiatry, from which we took our working definition of love, Dr. Sullivan talks of the “quiet miracle of developing the capacity of love.” He describes being loved as the source of this miracle. The first impulse to change, he says, comes not so much from being challenged as from being loved. Only in an atmosphere of unconditionally offered love will the human barriers to relationships be lowered.

There is a story of a housewife who related that her husband’s love seemed to be conditioned on her keeping the house tidy and in order at all times. She maintained that she needed to know that he loved her whether the house was cleaned up or not, in order to have the strength to keep the house clean. If you understand and agree with what she is saying, you understand the point being made here. The only kind of love that helps us change and grow is unconditional.

Conditional love always degenerates into pan-scale love. Both parties are expected, in pan-scale love, to put a donation into the proper pan so that a perfect balance is achieved. But sooner or later some tension, some pain, some struggle will distract one of the pan-scale lovers, and he will not make his monthly payment on time. So conditional lover #2, refusing to be swindled, removes part of his contribution in order to be sure that more isn’t going out than coming in–until nothing is left but emotional or legal divorce.

There is another question, and it is not so simple. Can we expect one party in a love relationship to continue making an unconditional contribution and commitment of love without a sustaining response from the other? Theoretically, I believe that if a person could continue offering an unconditional love, the other would in time respond. But perhaps it would be too late. If the person trying to offer unconditional love is given nothing in response, to nourish his own capacity and renew his strength for love, the relationship may be brought to an inevitable failure.

In practice I think this possibility is claimed far more than it actually occurs. People renege on their love commitments, run off to divorce courts, and take to falling in love all over again (with somebody else), without ever challenging their personal resources, developing their ingenuity, or testing their coping mechanism. It has been said that love works if we will work at it. I think that this is true, and I think that fidelity will always be the measure and test of human love.

Footnote: “Unconditional love” should be interpreted as an ideal, a goal towards which true love aspires, but which is realistically not within human reach or attainment. We are all to some extent injured, limited by the throb of our own needs and pains. Only a totally unscarred and free person could consistently give unconditional love. Such a person, of course, does not exist.

*Yes, that was an affiliate link. By now, you probably assumed that. Here is another one to make it easier for you to buy a copy of Powell’s book.

Okay, this is what I meant for my last card to say, Marita.

Enjoy the skit and go buy your wife a card, guys. Better yet, just let her know you love her in any way you can.

Here’s the link for my e-mail subscribers: http://edwincrozier.com/?p=1958

I just have to share because I rarely come up with a great idea that seems to work so well. Last week I came up with a song to sing to my 2-year-old, Trina. It is now her song and she asks me to sing it all the time. It is not a big thing, but I encourage you to try it with your kids. Get creative, take some time.

I’m now working on songs for the other kids. But, since they’re older, I’m not sure they would appreciate me sharing the songs online, however, they seem to like the idea of having their own little song that I sing to them–at least the boys do.

Here’s Trina’s. It is to the tune of “I’m a Little Teapot.” By the way, just a word of explanation, somewhere along the way, Trina received the nickname, “Trina Bean.” That has led to all sorts of variations. String bean, Trin Bean, Trina Beansprout. Don’t ask me how Marita landed on that last one, I don’t know. But it stuck and that is why it is in this song.

You’re my Trina beansprout, cute and sweet.
Here is your nosey, here are your feet.
You’re huggable and kissable, you’re so neat.
Time with you is such a treat.

As I’m sure you’ve guessed, I pinch her nose, tickle her feet, hug and kiss her at the appropriate times. It is now part of our nightly ritual and I sing it throughout the day. She loves it and I believe it lets her know how much I love her.

I encourage you to turn on your creative juices and find a special song for each of your special children. Even if they are a little older, you may be surprised how much they appreciate it (even if they won’t let on).

One caveat, if your kids are older, you may want to keep the song between you and them. They probably won’t feel so special if you sing it to them in front of their best friends.

Have a great week and may God bless your family,

ELC

PS: I’ll throw this in for free. If you live in Indiana, take your kids to Turkey Run. Rocky Hollow, the Punch Bowl, Boulder Canyon, and the ladders are just too good to miss. The picture with today’s post was taken there yesterday. As you can see, my little Trina Beansprout is just about conked out. Yet, she never did go to sleep. We’d hit a bump and she would jump up, “I’m awake! I’m awake, Daddy!” “Okay sweetie, go back to sleep.”

I’m reading Jim Burns’ book, Creating an Intimate Marriage. (Yes, that is an affiliate link. Go ahead and click on it. While working on your marriage, you’ll be helping mine.) I’d like to share a paragraph from chapter 5, “Becoming a Better Communicator with Your Spouse.”

It took me a very long time in my marriage to understand that Cathy didn’t need me to fix her problems. All she wanted was for me to care. My natural tendency is to be a fix-it person. I would get fully engaged with whatever her problem was and immediately start looking for the cure. What Cathy would rather have had was a sympathetic hug and a sense that I understood and cared about her. After I became comfortable in not always trying to be her fix-it man, I realized it was much easier on our relationship to simply let her know I value her feelings.

I’m sure, husbands, this isn’t the first time you’ve heard this. It wasn’t for me either. But even though I’ve heard this over and over and over again, I keep missing it. Somehow, I think it is my job to fix her or her problems. I want to be her knight in shining armor who rides in to sweep her away from all that troubles her, destroying her would-be attackers with my cleverness. But my job is not to fix her. That is God’s job. My job is nourish and cherish her (Ephesians 5:28-29).

When my wife is stressed about about something, even if it causes her to blow up at me, what is my job? Is my job to point out all the things she did wrong that caused this? That may be my natural reaction, but that is not my job. My job is to let her know that she is really doing a great job as a wife and mother, to let her know that what she feels is valid and acceptable, and to let her know that I love her anyway. I can do that through my words or my actions or, preferably, both.

When I come home and she’s had a bad day with the kids (imagine that, having a tough day because you’re dealing with a 13-year-old, a 10-year-old, an 8-year-old, and a 2-year-old) and she starts unloading her frustrations, my natural reaction is to get defensive and start unloading back or to try to calmly explain what she did wrong all day to cause all this frustration. Guess what I’ve learned. Neither of those options ever work. First, it doesn’t relieve her frustration. Second, it doesn’t bring us closer. Third, it usually ruins the whole evening. Fourth, even on the rare occassion when I’m right about why she is frustrated, it doesn’t help her at all. Yet, over and over again, that is the way I respond. Has anyone read that definition about insanity lately?

So, here’s what I’m going to start trying to do. Hold me accountable on this one fellows (and ladies). When that happens, I want to give my wife a big hug. I want to let her cry on my shoulder if that is what she’s feeling. I want to let her know that I can tell things have been tough for her and I’m sorry about that. I want to let her know that I love her and I really do think she is a great wife and mother (I do think that). I want to see if I can take something off of her plate so the rest of her day can be easier. And I’m going to do all of that without expecting anything* in return.

What do you think? Do you think that might have a better impact on our marriage? I’m guessing it will. The fact is, my wife is pretty smart. She doesn’t generally need me to fix her problems. She can usually come up with pretty good solutions on her own. She just needs someone to let her know that having a bad day doesn’t mean she’s a bad wife and mother. It means she’s pretty normal and I love her anyway.

Alright guys, who will take on this challenge with me? Let’s quit trying to fix our wives and start turn our great ability to fix things on to fixing how we treat our wives even when they don’t act exactly the way we want.

Have a great day and remember God’s way really does work for your family.

ELC

*When I say anything, I really mean sex.

*Warning: Affiliate links abound in this post. Click one. I dare you.

Alright guys, the challenge has been laid down. The guantlet is thrown. Who will rise up to meet the challenge.

Melanie Chitwood had blown me away with her book, What a Wife Needs from Her Husband. She shared what Gary Chapman said in his reflection found in The Transformation of a Man’s Heart. I have to share it with you here.

“My goal through all these years has been to serve my wife so well that when I’m gone, she won’t find another man who’ll treat her the way I’ve treated her. The woman is going to miss me!”

There it is guys.

Who among you is man enough to take this on with your wife? I haven’t done such a great job on this with my wife. But I’m going to start right now. Who will join me?

For futher reading:

I guess I also need to get:

I hope when my kids are grown, I’ll have loved them in such a way that they’ll come to me for advice. Check out the video.

The number one thing our spouses and kids want to know today is that we love them and are proud of them. The number two thing is to know that we will still be around tomorrow to love them and be proud of them.

Granted, freak things happen. We can’t guarantee anything about tomorrow. But we can start working to stack the odds in our favor. For instance, don’t text and drive. (I’m writing this because today I forgot and texted in a quick note, only to almost find myself eating a bumper. I need this reminder.) Start getting your anger under control so you don’t blow up at the wrong person or road rage your way into a wreck.

Something I’ve started working on is my health. I’ve learned this past week that with good diet, exercise, and stress management many of the frightening diseases of our time can be prevented, sometimes even reversed. I’ve been reading Dr. Dean Ornish’s book, The Spectrum: A Scientifically Proven Program to Feel Better, Live Longer, Lose Weight, and Gain Health. I’m really learning a lot. It’s exciting to me and I know it is helping Marita feel a bit secure with me and happy in our marriage.

I can say this. I feel better as I’m making some changes. I feel better about myself. My family feels better about me. Maybe one day I’ll even look better (but that may not have so much to do with diet and lifestyle). One of the great things I’ve learned is we have a spectrum of choices to make with our health. They are not necessarily good/bad choices. They aren’t necessarily a moral choice. Eating fruits and veggies tonight won’t mean I’m a better person and eating a pepperonin pizza won’t mean I’m a bad person. These   are simply choices we can make about our health. The best thing to do is simply get educated about it so we can make our choices in an educated way.

I highly recommend Ornish’s book to you. Click either of the affiliate links in this post in order to learn more about his book.

Have a great day with your family.

Thanks to Jason Hardin for sending this one my way. I can’t help but throw it up for this family post.

I hate to say it but it is me in far too many ways, especially the guy who throws out his back.

Enjoy!

Many of you know I run a Bible reading blog as well (giveattentiontoreading.com). Today’s reading really hit me with the example of Jesus having compassion on the crowds even when He was mourning for the loss of His cousin, John. At the other blog, I just talked about taking time for others in general.

However, what was really on my mind was my kids. Sadly, all too often I get so caught up in me that I simply don’t have time for my kids. We bought Backyard Ballistics, The Art of the Catapult, and even How to Build Treehouses, Huts and Forts, but have I done anything with them out of any of them? No. (Oh, by the way, in the interest of fairness in advertising and because the law requires that I tell you, those really are affiliate links. Click on them. Buy them. Most importantly use them with your kids.)

We allow each of our children to be involved in one sport at a time. But when its game or practice time, I’m usually irritated for the interruption in my schedule. Marita often asks me to be involved in more of their homeschooling activities and I often come up with a really good excuse to put her off. 

I could go on and on with good examples of how selfish I can be as a father, but I’m feeling enough shame and guilt as it is. The sad thing is if I’m not careful I can get so caught up in all my good work that I simply can’t be bothered by my kids and that is what they become to me–a bother. 

Oh sure, there are times when I really do have very important things that need to be done and I simply cannot do something with my kids at those times. Further, there are times when I need to direct them in their own activities and they don’t have time to do something with me. However, I have to remember that one of the most important jobs God has given me is the stewarding of these four blessings. I can’t raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord if I find an excuse to avoid most of our time together because it doesn’t fit on my grand schedule for my plans. 

I’m trying to remember that there will be plenty of years down the line when they are no longer in my home and I’ll no longer have the opportunity to be bothered by them. I need to make the most of those opportunities right now.

Have a great day and spend some time with your kids.

__________

Check out the books I mentioned, they really are great.

My default response to the kids is, “No.” I hear the words, “Dad, can I…” and my tongue starts tipping against the roof of my mouth automatically. “No.” I can say it sympathetically. I can say it resoundingly. I can say it firmly. I can say it at the top of my voice. I can say it in a whisper. I’m pretty good at saying, “No.” Why? Because “No” doesn’t take any thought.

Can you go over to so-and-so’s house today? I don’t want to think about it; No. Can you have this or that? I don’t want to put brain power to that; No. Can you try something or experiment with the other thing? I’m not wasting any precious thinking time on that; No.

I learned something last week. Yes is better. Oh, don’t get me wrong. No is necessary. But it doesn’t have to be the default. By default I mean, I normally have a ready made “No” and have to be convinced of a good reason to say, “Yes.” Perhaps the better approach is let the default be “Yes” and force myself to have a good reason before saying, “No.”

Last week, or maybe it was the week before, we were burning limbs at my house. Tessa had a brilliant idea. She had always wanted to hold a real life torch. She decided to grab an old sock, wrap it around the end of a stick and put it in the fire. Now that would have to be some amazing fun. But, there I was, my practiced response at the ready. I could see where this was going as soon as the sock came out, “No.” “But dad, this is an old sock that doesn’t fit me.” “NO.” “Dad, I have money to buy new socks.” “NO!”

I know, I know. Some of you are saying, “Why did you even let her argue? You said, ‘No.’ She should have said, ‘Yes, sir,’ and been done with it.” I’m sure there is some truth to that. However, when you’ve learned that the answer will always be “no” unless you give some good reasons, you get pretty practiced at firing off some good reasons while you have a chance. I think I might have a better chance of getting her to quit arguing with me if she learns that I’m a yes guy unless there is a good reason to say, “No.” If the default is always “No,” I’m guessing the rebellion will always simmer beneath the surface.

Back to my story. After saying, “No,” it hit me. Really? Why “No”? I’ve always thought it might be kind of cool to have a torch too. I’ve never gotten to hold one. I’ve only seen them in the movies. It is just a sock. We’re talking a few dollars to have an experience. How many of you have actually created your own torch? I don’t mean just putting a stick in the fire, I mean a real, honest to goodness torch that light’s up the night like a flashlight. The kind they use on Lost.

I backed up and said, “You know what, Tessa. Let’s make a torch.” Then I was in on the fun. I took some lighter fluid and completely soaked the sock. We stuck it in the flame and we had a torch. Tessa was excited. All the kids were chomping at the bit, “I want to hold it. I want to hold it.” I got to hold it too. We learned something. Torches that seem to last for hours in the movies would leave you lost in the dark in real life (unless they have some other kind of fluid to burn that lasts longer). Our torch only lasted about five minutes. But it sure was fun. The next night when we were burning another group of limbs, I was at the ready for a torch for each child. What a blast. The neighborhood kids got a kick out of it too.

The lesson for me in all of this was that “No” doesn’t have to be the default. Maybe “Yes” could start being the default. Maybe my first thought should be, “Yeah, that sounds like fun.” Then I have to think it through and see if there is a real reason to say “No.” To be sure, there will be plenty of reasons to say “No.” Something might be too dangerous, too costly, not enough time, not the right time, too mature, too immature, too hurtful, or just plain against the rules.  There will be plenty of time to say, “No.” If my kids ask to play dodge brick, I can say “No.” If they want to hang on to the hood of the car while we drive down the interstate, I’ll probably say, “No” (although that one is kind of tempting). If they want me to spend more money that we can budget on a television or some other gadget,  I can say, “No.” But it doesn’t have to be the default just because I’m too lazy to think up a reason not to do it.

I’m going to try this new approach and see how it works. My default is going to be, “Yes,” and I’ll have to think up a reason to say, “No,” instead of the other way around. Why don’t you try this for a while and see what it does for your family?