So, last Thursday night, our exchange daughter, Viktoria, came out of the bathroom. “Edwin, you need to see this!” The shower stall was filled with water backed up from a clogged drain, the sink was filling up  as well, and the toilet was leaking water from underneath the base.  Oh, great! Yep, you guessed it. Blocked up septic system. The septic guy came out Friday morning, cleaned it out, and said we should think about using different toilet paper. I got to thinking about how this mirrors a lot of troubled relationships.

I hope I can develop this illustration without sounding crass or gross. But what was going on with my house’s plumbing? The problem was we were stuffing junk down those pipes, but apparently not the right kind of junk. Above the surface everything seemed to be fine, but underneath a problem was brewing. All the while we just kept stuffing and stuffing and stuffing the wrong paper down the pipes. Eventually, the system just couldn’t handle it and big problems erupted to the surface.

Isn’t that what happens in a lot of relationships–whether husband/wife, parent/child, brother/sister, employer/employee, labor/management, neighbor/neighbor, etc.? Perhaps somebody said or did something to hurt us, maybe they have a habit that bothers us, perhaps they repeatedly do something that we believe takes us for granted. However, we are afraid to rock the boat. The relationship is going smoothly so we just stuff it down the pipes. On the surface, everything seems to be fine; but underneath, trouble is brewing.

The problem is sooner or later all that stuff is going to come back up the pipes. No matter how hard you try to stuff it and ignore it, eventually it is going to erupt all over the “floor” of you relationship. You just can’t stuff this stuff and expect it to stay stuffed. It has to go somewhere and when there’s too much of it in the plumbing of your relationship, the septic system will back up. That get’s nasty.

So, what do you need to do? Learn how to talk about stuff as it’s happening. When something bothers you, learn how to bring it up. Learn how to express yourself. Do it with gentleness, of course. But also do it with firmness that says you are allowed to have your feelings and you need to be able to talk about this. The great thing is if you learn to bring up stuff that bothers you as it happens one at a time, the back up doesn’t happen. Most people can handle it when you bring up one thing that bothers you. It’s when the eruption of all the stuff you’ve been stuffing for weeks, months, maybe even years finally comes up that real problems and destroyed relationships happen.

If it bothers you that someone touches you every time they talk to you, let them know. If someone’s habitual tardiness is causing you problems, talk about it and develop a plan. If someone’s pet nickname for you doesn’t make you feel loved and appreciated, let them know. If someone is repeatedly dropping the ball on their part of the project, have a conversation with them.

Do it early. Do it gently. Do it firmly. Develop good boundaries. Yes, there are some people who are so wounded that they may not be able to handle it. But I guarantee that no matter how healthy they are, if you wait until you’ve stuffed too much of that stuff down in the pipes, when the septic system erupts, the relationship will be damaged.  So figure out how to have that conversation now.

By the way, if you want more information on how to keep your relational septic system from backing up on you, check out the book review I posted last week.

Last week was New Year’s and many of us resolved to watch less tv, read more books. Whether or not that’s the case for you, if you only have one book that you have time to read this year…well, of course, make it the Bible. But if you have time to read two books this year, I’d like to make a recommendation: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.

Check out the video review by clicking the link below.

(For my e-mail subscribers who can’t see the video, click here.)

These are the authors of Boundaries and their work just keeps getting better. This book came out in 2005 and, frankly, I’ve been kicking everyone for not telling me about it sooner. And I promise you this, you’re hearing this post today, if you don’t get this book for a week, a month, a year, two years, five years and then you read it, you’ll be kicking yourself too. In fact, you may even give me a call and let me come kick you.

Let’s face it. We’ve all got those conversations we need to have. Whether it’s with a husband or wife, a brother or sister, a parent or a child, a church leader or a church member, a boss or an employee or a co-worker, a neighbor, a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and yet we’ve been avoiding them. Why? Well, maybe we’re just afraid of conflict. Or maybe we don’t know how to say what needs to be said. Or maybe we’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, or even worse that they may turn it around on us and hurt our feelings. But you only have to put that conversation off long enough to get this book and read it.

This book is jam-packed with powerful principles to help you make your conversations better. When you read this book you’ll learn things about clarifying the problem, making sure to keep “I” and “you” clear, balancing grace and truth, and other profound principles that help us know where conversations go wrong and how to keep from making those mistakes again.

But in addition to that, this book is filled to the brim with practical pointers. They don’t just talk about ethereal concepts and mystical ideas. They bring out real life conversations and real life situations and let us know this is how a conversation can be conducted and bring about good results.

Maybe you’ve had that conversation that you’ve been wanting to have with a wife or a husband, maybe with a boss, a co-worker, a church leader, even someone that you’re dating. There’s a chapter for that filled with profound illustrations that hit right at home where you’ve been, where I’ve been and help us know how to have those conversations. And help us know how to make those conversations draw us closer together instead of dividing us even further apart.

I just finished this book yesterday, and already it’s changing the way I communicate with my family. I have no doubt that if I continue to follow the principles that I’ve read about in this book, that I’m going to make my wife happier, which means my marriage will be happier. Not to mention, my family will be more productive. I won’t have to continue wasting time in those arguments about issues that don’t really matter. Instead, we’ll be able to spend time conversing and communicating with one another in a way that brings us closer together and helps our family have greater unity.

I want to thanks Drs. Cloud and Townsend for writing How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding. I know it’s changing my life, and I know it will change yours. Pick up your copy today. Trust me. You won’t regret it.

—-

P.S. If I were a betting man, I would bet that you don’t need this legally obligated disclaimer to let you know that this post does in fact contain affiliate links. I’m not recommending the book just so I can get a kick back. I’m recommending it because it helped me and I know it will help you. But, while it’s helping you, why don’t you go ahead and help me. Use the affiliate links to get your copy ordered today. In fact, here are a few more.

As I’m sure you could see in the video, I read this book on the Kindle app on my iPad. Here’s the link for the kindle version.

Oh and maybe you need an iPad. Here you go.

Or perhaps you’d like to have the new Kindle Fire. I hear it’s smoking and so much cheaper than an iPad.

Perhaps you’d like to check out more books by Cloud and Townsend. Here you go.

You get the idea. Have a great week and some great conversations.

I Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances.” What does that mean? Find out in this video representation of giving thanks called “The Thanksgiving Chair.” How often do you sit in the thanksgiving chair? Who are you teaching to sit there with you?

For my e-mail subscribers who can’t see the video, click here.

No doubt there are numerous cultural setbacks to having a biblically based family here in America. We could talk about entertainment and the media. They’ve definitely caused a setback. We could talk about prosperity and materialism. That is killing American families. We could talk about the sexual revolution since the 60s. Wow! I’m sure it shocks you that I don’t think that one is the #1. But I was thinking about Proverbs 31 the other day and the #1 cultural setback became crystal clear to me. It may surprise you.

Proverbs 31:23, 28-29 says:

Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.

…

Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”

No, the cultural setback is not about the role of women. Rather, it is about the role of the family. What amazes me in this statement about the “Worthy Woman” is that her husband being known in the gates was a praise about her. What Solomon was saying is that because she was a worthy woman, her husband was known. Are you beginning to see the setback? In our modern American culture, that would never be a praise for the wife. That is simply a praise for the husband. He’s a great man and well-thought of. But in this biblical culture his status in the community was not just a praise of him, it was praise of his wife. It was praise for the whole family.

Why? Because the #1 cultural setback to a biblically based family in our modern American culture is individualism. Yes, you read that right. Individualism.

What’s the Big Deal About Individualism?

I’m glad you asked. What we need to see in Proverbs 31 is that the basic unit of this biblical culture was not the individual. It was the family. In our American culture, the basic unit is the person, not the family. Here in America, we are all about independently pulling ourselves up by the boot straps and showing that we are the best.

But that was not what was going on in Proverbs 31. In that chapter, the family was working as a unit. Individualism is causing all kinds of problems. In fact, some of those other cultural setbacks mentioned in the introduction of this post stem from this more fundamental problem. Isn’t the sexual revolution completely based in the selfishness of seeking individual pleasure rather than the service of building a family? Isn’t the over pursuit of entertainment and recreation another example of self-seeking rather than the selflessness of working and serving in a family? Can’t much of the materialism be traced back to a desire to win as an individual at the rat-race of life?

This kind of individualism produces all kinds of setbacks in the family.

First, it produces competition among marriage partners. Husbands and wives compete for who has the largest income, who does the most work, who is the best. That comes far more from individualism than it does from working as a family unit. Rather than working together to allow the family to receive praise and honor from God, they compete with each other to receive the greater praise from men. Rather than individual competition within the family, the family needs to work together as a team to accomplish the family win.

Second, it produces a dichotomy that increases bitterness and resentment between spouses. I’ve heard spouses say to each other, “Alright, for the last 10 years we’ve done your thing. Now it’s my turn.” That is a sign of resentment and bitterness. One spouse feels used as the other accomplished their dreams. Sadly, it’s often the wife who feels used as the husband pursued his dreams, but it can work the other way as well. The problem is this turn-taking doesn’t fix the problem. It just switches the roles and increases the bitterness and resentment. Rather, than taking turns at individual dreams, the family needs to work together at developing family dreams everyone can buy in to and work together on.

Third, it produces entitlement mentalities and removes gratitude. When people within a family are pursuing their own individualistic goals instead of working together as a family unit, it produces fights over the family resources of time, money, effort and strife regarding the family responsibilities of making money, caring for the house, doing the chores. Everyone thinks their pursuit is more worthy, so they feel entitled to the resources and entitled to dumping responsibilities on others. But they rarely feel any gratitude for the people in the family who are doing the behind-the-scenes work that allows the individual to accomplish a goal. The old saying that behind every great man there is a great woman is not intended to say a woman’s place is behind her man. That isn’t the point of Proverbs 31 either. The point is that when someone in the family is honored, it was a family affair. No one in a family receives honor without the support system in the background. When someone in the family is honored, everyone in the family deserves honor. That is the point of Proverbs 31:23. The further point found in Proverbs 31:28-29 is the one who received the honor in the gates needs to be the one who passes on the honor to the rest of the family.

Do you think the divorce rate might go down if families started working as families rather than as a collection of individuals? Do you think more could be accomplished in the kingdom and in the community if families worked as a unit rather than as disparate parts? How do you think our society would be affected if the family once again became the basic unit instead of the individual?

I know I need to work on this with my family. I’m not writing this because we’ve got this down, but because it occurred to me that some of the struggles in my own family stem right back to this problem. We’ve all go to work to do. Let’s do it together.

Tell the world what you think by commenting below.

I know what I want for Thanksgiving…TURKEY!!!! Sweet potatoes, stuffing, gravy, ham, green beans, a little salad to fool myself into thinking it is kind of healthy this year, yeast rolls. Yes! I want to rest and relax. I want to play games with the kids. I want a break from working. Ah, yes, that’s what I want. Hmmmm. I wonder what Marita wants.

Thanks to the Skit Guys for giving me an idea of what my wife might want this Thanksgiving.

Husbands, think on this video and grow wise.

BTW: If you can’t see the video in your e-mail, click here.

What do you want for Thanksgiving? Let me know by commenting below.

Yes, I’m waxing historical this week. No, I’m not talking about Rush Limbaugh or the band. I’d like to share another quote from Benjamin Rush. This one is far more frightening (I think), and I want to get your thoughts about it. Rush prophesied what would become of American culture in his address to the guests of the Young Ladies Academy of Philadelphia in 1787. Was he right? Was he wrong? How do we measure up today? Keep reading and you tell me what you think.

Buffoons on the Theater?

Let me set the stage for this quote by summarizing Rush’s address. While not using the phrase, his basic approach in the essay was that women needed to be educated in post-Revolution America because “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” The whole society would prosper if mothers and wives were educated. The whole society would fail if they weren’t. Therefore, he saw the neglect of female education as the beginning step in a crumbling culture.

That being said, we followed his advice. We educated women and men. But have Rush’s fears come true anyway? Check it out.

I am not enthusiastic upon the subject of education. In the ordinary course of human affairs we shall probably too soon follow the footsteps of the nations of Europe in manners and vices. The first marks we shall perceive of our declension will appear among our women. Their idleness, ignorance, and profligacy will be the harbingers of our ruin. Then will the character and performance of a buffoon on the theater be the subject of more conversation and praise than the patriot or the minister of the gospel; then will our language and pronunciation be enfeebled and corrupted by a flood of French and Italian words; then will the history of romantic amours be preferred to the immortal writings of Addison, Hawkesworth, and Johnson; then will our churches be neglected and the name of the Supreme Being never be called upon but in profane exclamations; then will our Sundays be appropriated only to feasts and concerts; and then will begin all that train of domestic and political calamities.

–Benjamin Rush, Address to the guests of the Young Ladies’ Academy of Philadelphia, 1787

What do you think?

Has it happened as he predicted?

How does our American culture compare?

Is it getting better or worse? Why?

How can we be counter-cultural and not fall in line with this warning?

P.S. Make sure you check out what Benjamin Rush said about the praise of modern women vs. the praise of the Proverbs 31 Woman.

Benjamin Rush had a lot to say about the education of women during post-Revolution America. While I certainly don’t agree with all that he said, the thing I liked most about what he said was a comparison of the way women in “modern” times are praised versus the praise Solomon gave the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31. Read on and let me know what you think about his assessment.

“It is agreeable to observe how differently modern writers and the inspired author of the Proverbs describe a fine woman. The former confine their praises chiefly to personal charms and ornamental accomplishments, while the latter celebrates only the virtues of a valuable mistress of a family and a useful member of society. The one is perfectly acquainted with all the fashionable languages of Europe; the other ‘opens her mouth with wisdom’ and is perfectly acquainted with all the uses of the needle, the distaff, and the loom. The business of the one is pleasure; the pleasure of the other is business. The one is admired abroad; the other is honored and beloved at home. ‘Her children arise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praiseth her.’ There is no fame in the world equal to this, nor is there a note in music half so delightful as the respectful language with which a grateful son or daughter perpetuates the memory of a sensible and affectionate mother.”

–Benjamin Rush, Address to Guests of the Young Ladies’ Academy of Philadelphia, 1787

What do you think of Rush’s assessment?

What do you think about these differences?

Are the differences less or more pronounced today?

Should they be more or less pronounced?

P.S. Check out what Benjamin Rush said about the future of America without education.

“How important is your family? What are you willing to do to make your family stable and functional? Are you willing to work long hours to provide materially for your family? Are you willing to rise up early and stay up late to accomplish all the goals and activities in which your family is involved? Are you willing to eat the bread of painful labors to give your children a better life?…

“Are you willing to pursue education, material goods, comfort and recreation for your family? Will you read books? … watch videos? … visit counselors? How important is a stable and functional family to you?

“Here is the important question: is having a stable and functional family important enough to allow the Lord to build your home?”

Built by the Lord, p 1

An Announcement

After much consideration, I have decided to let DeWard Publishing purchase the publishing rights to my book Built by the Lord: A Study of the Family. I’m excited about the possibilities of this relationship with them. I look forward to seeing where it leads. The new edition of this book should be out before the end of this year.

However, this good news leads to some sad news. As per my agreement with DeWard Publishing, I am no longer free to publish and print the present version of Built by the Lord.

However, this sad news leads to some good news for one or two of you. I still have two copies of Built by the Lord in stock and DeWard Publishing has graciously agreed to let me sell these copies even though our contract is already signed and they own the rights to this book.

A Deal

Built by the Lord has retailed for $14.97. However, since I’m selling my final two copies, I’m offering them at a deal. Instead of paying full retail price, you can purchase these last two copies for only $10.00 (plus s&h).

Check out the deal on my product page for Built by the Lord and while you’re there, why not rummage around in the rest of my store and see what other resources are available to help you walk with God.

Don’t miss out on this great deal.

Racquetball! What a game. I remember playing with my Dad as a kid and then on up into my teen years. Neither one of us was that good, but we had fun. So when I recently learned of a nearby gym that had a racquetball court, I jumped at it. The deciding factor was not that I’m trying to lose weight or need exercise. The deciding factor was that I want to create memories with my kids. One day, I want them to say, “Racquetball! I love racquetball. I used to play that with my dad.” On Tuesday night, I started creating those memories with my boys.

5 Keys for Creating Great Memories with Your Kids

Let’s face it. No matter what you do, you’re creating memories with your kids. When they are adults, they are going to sit around with each other at family gatherings talking about those memories. What will they talk about? Will they be smiling or frowning? …laughing or crying? …grateful or disappointed? Obviously, not everything can be a good memory. But here are some things I learned on Tuesday for making great memories with my kids.

1. Do something they want to do

Racquetball worked for me as a kid and is working for my boys because we want to do it. I love going to John Maxwell conferences and I’m sure I’ll take my boys one day. But trust me, if I came home tonight telling my kids, “Guess what! We get to go see John Maxwell together! YAAAAAAAAY!” They’ll have a memory, but it won’t be good for me or Maxwell.

2. Remember that they are kids/beginners

I’m sure you can guess that we didn’t have any exciting matches between me and the boys on Tuesday night. I’m not a stellar player by any means, but I’ve been playing off and on for 30 years. This was my boys’ first night. Nothing could have ruined this memory like expecting them to play on the level of the adults I played with last week. We had fun because I let them be beginners.

3. Challenge them to grow

While I remembered that they were beginners this last Tuesday night, I also challenged them to get better. As we continue to play, they will get better. I don’t want to keep treating them like beginners then. I want to challenge them to be able to beat me (which, if you’re reading this boys, won’t happen for a long, long time, if ever). Both boys were excited because they each scored some points. They know they scored those points, I didn’t give it to them. They were challenged and feel good about the time together, looking forward to more later.

4. Encourage them extravagantly

When a baby tries to walk but stumbles and fall, we don’t rebuke him. We encourage him with smiles, cheers, and clapping. Do the same as you create your memory. Sure, there are going to be mistakes, but find the reason you can encourage them and cheer them on. For instance, a common mistake in racquetball is to chase the ball to where it is instead of getting ready for where it will go after it bounces off the walls. I still make that mistake sometimes. On Tuesday, I encouraged my boys to judge where the ball will be instead of chasing it where it is. Of course, this is tough for first-timers, so they often missed when they tried to judge. However, as they broke their habit of chasing the ball, I had something I could encourage them in even when they didn’t get the point.

And now, for the most important key:

5. Do it together

Two of my kids have been to some great camps this summer. Did those make great memories for them? Sure. But they aren’t family memories. Sending your kids to fun places and off with fun people is a good thing to do sometimes. But don’t let all your kid’s memories be with other people. Let them be with you. Find something you can do together and make it a memory.

Have you ever had an interruption in a well-laid plan? Have you ever been going along great with some discipline and then your world gets turned upside-down? All that discipline and planning goes right out the window. Then at some point you are supposed to get back in the saddle. How on earth are you going to do that? Here’s the #1 key to getting back in the saddle.

Just Do It!

Yep. That’s it. You just gotta do it. And that’s what this post is for me.

About two months ago, my blog was nearly destroyed. It couldn’t have come at a more inopportune time. It was right at the beginning of my most hectic two months of travel for the whole year. That means I simply didn’t have the time to get it back up to snuff and fixed.

But now it is and let’s face it. I’ve gotten out of the habit and discipline of blogging. So, today, I just needed to get back into it.

I’m look forward to all that we can learn and discuss together. I’ve missed you all and I can’t wait to get reconnected in this cyberworld.

Have a great day. I’ll see you tomorrow.