God's Way Works

My Macbook cratered while I was in New York this past weekend (I thought that wasn’t supposed to happen to Macs). That’s why no post hit the internet yesterday. We’ll get back to the lessons in maturity next week (hopefully, I am traveling then as well so that is a bit up in the air). 

How do you feel when you see someone and their eyes light up? I love it. 

Yesterday, I got in the family car at the airport after a long weekend trip to New York (great trip, by the way, thanks for asking). While most of the family was clamoring to get me to take them out to eat, my two year old simply smiled and exclaimed, “Daddyyyyyy!” It was as if I was the only important person in her world at that moment. She was glad to see me (and not merely to ask for something out of my wallet). It melted my heart and made me glad to be alive.

If that is how I felt when she treated me that way, how will my family feel if I treat them that way all the time. It is so easy to get caught up in the rat-race, humdrum of every day living that we take our spouse and kids for granted. We walk in the house after a long day of work, our spouse walks in after a day at work or an errand to the store, our kids walk in after a day of school or time outside playing with friends, and we act like it is no big deal. What if every time we walked into the house or our family did, we dropped the cares of the world, the pressures of work, the frustrations of the day and acted like we were absolutely, truly, and utterly excited about being in the presence of these people? What if we commonly ran up to give hugs and act like we were lucky to see this person again. After all, that last time we saw them could have been the last time we ever saw them. But now we get to see them again. 

I’m not naive. I know none of us will act like this all the time. But what if we made it a habit to show our kids and spouse that they are the sparkle of our eye? At the very least, let our faces brighten when we see them. Smile and let the smile get to our eyes. Demonstrate that we are happy they are with us.

I’m betting that 30 seconds of smiles and hugs will totally change the tenor of our homes. I know it will be tough sometimes because the days are troublesome. It’s easy to just walk in the house and let the day’s anxieties seep out at our families, but let’s make it our goal to walk in the house today with a smile and let the family know how glad we are to see them because they are the sparkle in our eye. Do that first. There will be time to share the stresses in a few minutes, first let’s share the joy of getting to see each other again.

Instead of trying to impress God with how amazing your works are. How about you just do your best to tell God you love Him today? The Skit Guys provide a modern parable about our family and then relate it to our relationship with God.

Since I missed posting yesterday, I thought this might be a great combination of a springboard for your spiritual life and your family life.

Enjoy.

It’s not enough to love someone. You have to tell them. Have you told your wife/husband/children/parents you love them today?

Keep in mind that if you’re going to tell them you love them, make sure your actions back up your words. Make sure you use a language they can understand. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out Gary Chapman’s book (yes, it’s coming, wait for it…wait for it…BAM an associate link) The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.

Today, we have a special treat. Mark Broyles, gospel preacher and president of InLight, Inc., has graced us with a great heads up on making our marriages work. Mark will be hosting two marriage retreats in 2010, one in Chattanooga, Tennessee, the other in Howey-in-the-Hills, Florida (apparently, that’s a real place). Make sure you check out the website for his retreats. By the way, these aren’t associate links. I’m not getting a penny out of this. I just want you to know about it, because, as you can see from the article, you can get some real help for your marriage from this guy.

Thanks for the guest post, Mark.

Enjoy the article everyone.

The Top Two Hindrances to Making Marriage Work

How do you make a marriage work?  Maybe a better question would be – how do you work to make a marriage?  As with any worthwhile endeavor work is the factor that is most vital to success.  However, in marriage we often expect success with very little effort.  In Ephesians 5, Paul instructs husbands to love their wives and wives to submit to and respect their husbands—instructions based on the God given needs of both. Easy words but frequently complicated concepts and applications. Two problems seem to be most prevalent in causing these needs to remain unmet and therefore preventing the marriage from thriving the way God intended.

 First, we are ignorant.  It sounds harsh but it is true. Have you ever found yourself either thinking or saying, “I never realized you felt that way” or “I didn’t know it meant that much to you”?  Ignorance of my spouse’s real needs will almost certainly mean they will largely go unmet. We understand that we are to love our wives and to respect our husbands but how exactly do we do that? Not only are their needs different but also the method of fulfilling those needs.  I know what I like, want, and need for fulfillment.  That knowledge comes to me naturally with no real effort required, but the needs of my spouse are not nearly so easy to understand.  Ignorance may not be easy to admit but it is easily corrected.  Whatever I am ignorant about only requires that I put forth effort to study and learn.  Marriage is no different.  In the seminars we have presented on marriage the last ten years one of the most evident truths is the lack of real effort of husbands and wives to use the resources available to better understand their spouse.  There are some wonderful resources based on God’s principles to help us understand our spouse’s perspective.  Read, attend classes, and ask your spouse! How much effort are you putting forth to really understand your husband or wife?

Second, we are selfish.  Once we know what our spouse truly needs we must be willing to devote ourselves to fulfilling that need.  Selfishness is the problem of all mankind including husbands and wives.  Jesus taught often, even those who were closest to Him, that we must serve others rather than seeking to be served ourselves (John 13). That is never easy.  I like me. I like to be comfortable, satisfied, and fulfilled.  When I am tired, uncomfortable, aggravated, over stressed, or underappreciated it becomes even more difficult to focus on my spouse.  When our thoughts are focused on what our spouse needs to do to fulfill our needs then we have departed from the mindset of Christ.  The commands in Ephesians 5 are independent of one another.  Each of us has the same role in marriage. That role is to glorify God by devoting ourselves to fulfilling our spouse’s needs.  Where would we be if Christ was only as focused on serving us as we are on serving our spouse?  How hard will you work to forget self to fulfill your spouse?

The key to a happy healthy relationship in marriage is to learn each other’s unique needs and strive to meet them to the fullest of your potential.  

(P.S. Don’t forget to check out the website for InLight’s marriage retreats.)

Perhaps one of the most difficult things to do is learn to weep with those who weep. When we see someone hurting what do we do? The Skit Guys who brought us “God’s Chisel” tell us about mourning and what we need to do when we know someone is sitting in their mourning booth.

(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.)

Today, I want to…

Hug Someone Worth Holding

What’s A Hug?

“Hugging is natural, organic, naturally sweet, free of pesticides, and preservatives. Hugging contains no artificial ingredients. It’s 100% wholesome. No calories, no caffeine, no nicotine.

“Hugging is nearly perfect. There are no removable parts, batteries to wear out, no periodic checkups. It consumes little energy, while yielding a lot. It’s inflation-proof. It’s nonfattening. There are no monthly payments. No insurance requirements. It’s theft-proof, nontaxable, nonpolluting, and fully refundable. And it costs very little.

“Hugging is healthy. It assists the body’s immune system, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it invigorates, it rejuvenates, and it has no unpleasant side effects.

“Hugging is no less than a miracle drug” (borrowed from poofcat.com).

No wonder we want to hug someone worth holding today. What could be better? The problem is we’re just not used to it. In our American culture, we shake hands, making sure to keep everyone at arms length. Even in cultures that greet with hugs and kisses, they can become perfunctory and pointless. But, sincere, safe, wanted hugs are some of God’s best medicine for us.

Hugs are Good For You

Search the internet for benefits to hugging. You’ll find out hugs can decrease your heart rate. They can lower your blood pressure. Hugs can increase oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Hugs have been connected to better heart health. Hugs increase endorphin levels—the feel good hormones that give us a sense of happiness and well-being, plus they relieve pain. Hugs decrease levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

A hug can say, “I love you.” A hug can say, “I accept you.” A hug can say, “You’re wanted.” A hug can say,“You’re special.” A hug says, “We’re together.” A hug says, “We’re friends.” A hug provides a connection that nothing else does.

No doubt, different hugs say different things. There is the romantic hug for your husband or wife that lingers and caresses. There is the paternal hug for your children that turns into holding them on your lap. There is the cross-gender, I need to be appropriate, one arm around the shoulder hug. There is the quick hug that says, “We’re friends, but nothing more.” There is the “I haven’t seen you in forever” hug. There is the “I’m here for you” hug that hangs on until the one in need lets go. There’s the “weep with those who weep” hug that also provides a shoulder to cry on.

Hugs are important, life-saving even. Virginia Satir, American author and psychotherapist said, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Look at a marriage that is falling apart and I guarantee you, you won’t see many hugs—if any. 12 hugs a day may not save a marriage on the rocks, but 0 hugs a day can sure toss it off the cliff. Look at isolated, rebellious kids and I doubt you’ll find hugging parents. (I know there are exceptions to every rule and someone will no doubt bring up the question of “which came first?”, but the fact remains, you won’t see much hugging there.) Find a prostitute, and I’m betting you find a girl who didn’t get many safe, loving hugs from her father. She’s still searching for that connection.

Why Do So Many Avoid Hugging?

But for all this, we often push away from hugs. Why?

Certainly, some have been hugged inappropriately and so physical touch scares us. Some have learned from traumatic childhood experiences that hugs are a violation and so they set up walls of protection against that happening again. My heart breaks for those of you in this situation. I pray that you can find people who can embrace you in arms of safety and help you grow in positive relationships.

For most, the trauma is not that extreme. However, a hug is still dangerous. I once heard the hug and kiss of European and Eastern greetings came about as a means of showing vulnerability. To hug someone was to come close enough as to be defenseless. If they wielded a knife, they could kill you. (I’m told the American handshake accomplished the same thing as you thrust forward your empty gun hand in a gesture of trust.) I doubt many of us are afraid of knife wielding huggers, but the hug does represent vulnerability. We are opening ourselves up to others to touch us, hold us, feel us, meet us. They can see and feel our blemishes. They can tell if we are trembling. They can feel our heart beat. Do we really want to let someone get that close? Many of us say, “No.” And we lose the great benefits of that kind of trust.

Perhaps the number one reason we fear the hug is the potential for rejection. We see a friend, hold our arms outstretched to show vulnerability, connection, trust and they give us a high five or grab the hand for a shake. Or worse, they stand there looking at us like we have our clothes on backward or have a booger hanging out of our nose. Rejection. A hug may be great, but a rejection’s negative affects seem much worse. So, we abstain from the benefits of a hug in order to avoid the pain of rejection.

Perhaps you can reshape what is happening in that moment of seeming rejection. I’m sure there are some stuck up, self-centered, pharisaical people who reject you as a person and therefore don’t want you touching them in a hug. Do you really care what that kind of person thinks of you? However, those folks are few and far between. The folks who avoid the hugs usually aren’t rejecting you. Rather, they are expressing their own struggles. Respect their need for space because an unwanted, unsafe hug doesn’t provide great benefits. Instead of pouting in your own rejection, pray for whatever causes them to turn from the hug.

Get your daily quota

Everyone needs a hug. Make sure you get permission first. Make sure your being appropriate (guys, I hope you know I’m talking to you, this isn’t your free ticket to cop a feel). Get out there and give hugs. That’s right, give hugs. I didn’t say get hugs because a true hug is about giving to others, not taking from them. So go give your quota of hugs.

They’re free. They’re fun. They’re healthy. They’re easy. Why not find someone and give them a hug right now.

I think I will.

(Come back next Wednesday when we discuss “Buying Something Worth Treasuring.”)

We’ve been learning about the importance of cleaning up our side of the street and four keys to accomplishing that goal. However, we can only keep our side of the street clean by pursuing actions of love in all our relationships. In fact, that was step 4 of keeping our side of the street clean.

The burning question is how? How do we pursue the actions of love in all our relationships. Let me share 5 keys that will help you pursue the actions of love in all your relationships.

Key #1: Give, don’t take.

Sadly, the number one way we junk up our side of the street is by taking from others. Perhaps we cheat someone in a business deal. Perhaps we lie to them to get our way. Perhaps we lust after them and store their image in our minds for our own purposes. Perhaps we manipulate them to get what we want. When we are bound by self we take and take and take. We may never actually steal something physically from them, but we are taking from others all the time.

All the stuff we take goes somewhere. It goes right on our side of the street. How do we get rid of all that? Change the very nature of our relationships. Instead of viewing others for what we can get from them, we need to see what we can give to them. We need to give and not take. 

Give time. Give support. Give love. Give prayers. Give money. Give material things. Give honesty. Give honor. Give credit. Give whatever you can, to whoever you can, whenever you can.

Key #2: Serve, don’t rule

Too many of us walk around like despots of our own little kingdom, acting as if everyone in our family, on our job, at our school, in our neighborhood is here to support and serve us. When we do, relationships run amok. Our street is junked up by all the wounded people we have tread on in our attempts to be the king of the hill.

Taking the actions of love means serving instead of ruling. Taking the actions of love means going out of our way to help others. When someone asks for help, don’t roll your eyes, exhale your frustration, or passive aggressively rebel. Just do it. Do it because you love them. View it as an excellent opportunity to show them you care.

But don’t always wait until they ask for help. Find ways you can serve. If you look around the house and see a mess, don’t get upset at everyone else who hasn’t cleaned up. Just clean up and show love. Is something broken? Don’t start a witch hunt to find the culprit, just fix it. Yes, yes, I do understand that while dealing with children there is a time to teach them about cleaning up and not breaking things. But even then, make sure your attitude is not one of getting vengeance on them, but rather one of serving them by helping them grow to maturity.

Key #3: Sacrifice

We take giving to a new level here. This means giving even when it hurts. This means taking of our own and giving to others. 

Maybe we don’t want to watch the game, go to the store, eat at that restaurant, watch the kids, etc. That is when we are really put to the test about pursuing the actions of love. When we go to the opposite of our selfish nature, we are going to be sacrificing a lot. We may not get everything we want. We may give up some of our precious time. We may not achieve all our desires. 

Jesus said the greatest love is to lay down our lives for a friend. That is the ultimate sacrifice. Many of us claim we would lay down our lives for our friends and family. Yet, we won’t even take the trash out for them. We won’t give up our favorite tv show to help them. We won’t take the time to drive across town to give them a lift. If we won’t give up a few minutes of our life for them, what makes us think we would give up our entire lives for them. 

Key #4: Acts as if

The hardest part is there are times when we just don’t feel the love for all these other people. Perhaps they have hurt us. Or perhaps our selfishness is just kicking in and instead of demonstrating love we’d rather lick our wounds, defend ourselves, pursue our rage. This is time for one of those great pieces of advice that helps in numerous ways. Act as if. 

Act as if you loved them. In other words, don’t act the way you feel. Stop and ask, “If I actually loved this person, what would I do next?” Then do that, whether you feel it or not.

Good strong feelings of love will grow if you pursue the actions of love. If you are going to wait around for the right feeling, you are probably going to be in big trouble.

Key #5: Do all of this without expectations

Here is the real clincher that makes any and all of this a true action of love. Do it without expectations. If you are only doing these things because you expect something in return, you are pursuing actions of manipulation, not love.

Fix the leaky faucet without expecting a thank you. Cook supper and clean up the kitchen without expecting accolades of praise. Offer praise and honor to others without expecting them to return the favor. Guys, clean up after the kids without expecting your wife to pay you back in the bedroom later. Pursue the actions of love without expecting everyone else to pursue actions of love with you.

I have no doubt that in most cases, when you pursue actions of love, you relationships will improve. You will be noticed. You will be praised. But if that is the only reason you are doing these things, it will be short lived. It will be especially short lived because you won’t likely make it out of the phase in which everyone else is saying, “What on earth do you want?” At first, everyone will assume you are manipulating them. But if you keep it up because you weren’t expecting anything, some of your relationships will really change for the better.

A friend once told me that expectations are just premeditated resentment. The fact is, expectations are actually us working on someone else’s side of the street. We expect them to have a clean street. When they don’t we get bitter. Don’t go down that side of the road. Stay on your side.

Of course, I need to offer the caveat to those who are on the receiving end. Even though the one pursuing actions of love is not doing this to receive a thank you, be noticed, or get rewarded. You really should at least say thank you. If you don’t, then you aren’t pursuing actions of love, are you?

If you want great relationships, quit trying to fix everyone else. Clean up your side of the street. Pursue actions of love no matter what anyone else is doing. I can’t promise every relationship will be stellar. However, you will have the serenity of knowing that you are working on and growing in what is right.

I had an awesome and awful weekend all rolled into one. Had an awesome weekend studying prayer with some brethren in Chillicothe. But I got really, really sick and that was awful. I don’t think I have been that sick since I was in college. Because of the sickness, I didn’t get to travel home until yesterday and so we missed this week’s Springboard for Your Spiritual Life. We’ll get that back next week. 

I don’t know if what I want to share today is much of a Springboard or if it is just something to share. But I want to share it.

I learned a great lesson this week. Mark and Sharon Hatfield were great hosts to the sick and afflicted. At about 3:30 on Saturday morning, I had to wake Mark up and get some help. After several bouts in the bathroom with my sickness, I was getting weak and feared being dehydrated. I couldn’t find the bottled water or any Gatorade. So I woke him up.

For about 4 hours, I had been sick all alone. I’m not sure I have ever missed my wife as much as I did in those hours. Of course, it’s not like she has miraculous powers to heal. But usually when I’m sick, she’s there. She says comforting things. She sympathizes. She puts a cold rag on my neck. She puts up with my whining and moaning as if I’m on death’s door.

For about 4 hours, no one was there but me and the toilet.

What’s the point in all this? 

I was once again impressed with the reality of the greatness of marriage and love. I remember when I was a teenager and looking forward to marriage. Sadly, my big thought was “I’ll finally get to go ‘all the way.’” For some reason, even Christians, especially as young people, seem to have the idea that marriage is mostly about sex. The fact is, going all the way in a relationship isn’t about sex. If that is your idea of going all the way, you haven’t even gone halfway. In fact, you probably haven’t even scratched the surface of what God really has planned for great relationships. Going all the way in a relationship is about being there through thick and thin. When the wallet is empty and month is left, going all the way is helping each other through. When family members are dying and our emotional well is run dry, going all the way is about being a shoulder to lean on and cry on. Going all the way means loving someone so much when they’re sick you’re right there beside them no matter how gross or painful it is.

The fact is, I never dreamed I would be thankful for my wife because she is there when I’m puking my guts out. However, I guarantee, I’ll never take that for granted again. 

So, don’t think a great relationship is based on looks. Let’s face it, how many Hollywood marriages between hunks and hotties fail every day. A great relationship is not one made up of steamy sex between hot bodies. A great relationship is one where a husband and wife will be there to serve and support even when the other is in its most unattractive position like running at both ends while acting like a big baby.

I grew to love my wife more this weekend and I just want to say a big thank you to her. I found out this weekend what she really does provide for me even when I’m not really thinking about it.

I hope you can say the same about your spouse.