Okay, so as usual I’m about three months behind on the pop-culture scene. My brother always gives me a hard time about this. However, just the other day I learned that Weird Al has a new song being released. It’s called “Perform This Way.” I heard a snippet and wanted to find out more about the original it is based on. After all, those songs are always funnier when you actually know who he’s lampooning. So I asked my daughter about Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” Then she sang some of the lyrics to me and I said, “Wait! What?” “Oh, Dad, it’s not about that.” “Really, what’s it about then?” “It’s just about her tough childhood and her mom telling her she’s born to be a superstar.” “Oh, okay,” I said, somewhat relieved. Then, last night on the way home from Bible class the song came on the radio. I was stunned to say the least. Tessa said I was missing the point. So we looked up the lyrics when we got home. The disappointment simply continued.

That’s right, disappointment. Why? Because I really liked the song. For the most part, it sounded like a great 80s pop song. And you just gotta love 80s pop songs. Additionally, parts of it had a great message. As creations of God, we are all valuable no matter what we’ve done or who we are. We are works of the Master’s hand and have intrinsic value because of His creation and His love for us. Therefore, as I’ve taught before, no matter who we are or what we have done we can love ourselves.

I especially appreciate the message about racial diversity and disabilities. Whether you are Lebanese, Oriental, White, Black, or Hispanic, love yourself. It’s okay. Whatever disabilities you have, no matter what anyone else thinks of your abilities, love yourself. I think that is a wonderful message.

But I have a major problem with this song that is now being touted as an anthem for a new generation.

In the middle of this song, Stefani Germanotta (Gaga’s real name), switches from talking about issues of birth to issues of behavior. In the midst of celebrating differences of race, culture, and ability Germanotta sings:

NO MATTER GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BI,
LESBIAN, TRANSGENDERED LIFE
I’M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN TO SURVIVE

Before we even discuss whether homosexual sex or cross-dressing is right, I want to consider a deeper problem. Does any generation really want their anthem to be that the reason they behave the way they do is because they were born that way? Really? “I hope you all will understand why I do everything I do. It isn’t my fault. I was born that way.”

How many behaviors can we justify with that anthem? Why not write:

YOU LIKE TO RAPE OR BEAT YOUR WIFE
OR LEAD A PEDOPHILE’S LIFE
YOU’RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
YOU WERE BORN TO SURVIVE

I know that edit is going to take a lot of heat. But why can’t I sing that? If one behavior is automatically right because I was “born this way,” why aren’t all behaviors right for the same reason? Where does the line of justification stop?

I’m actually surprised at this song and it’s swell of support by the homosexual community. Do those who practice homosexuality really want their behavior justified because it is just like being born with a disability such as Down’s Syndrome or Muscular Dystrophy? Are we to view homosexuality and cross-dressing as an abnormality that needs to be overlooked because it is on par with Tourette’s Syndrome? Are we supposed to walk away from this song saying, “Yeah, cross-dressers are wrong, but they can’t help it. We just need to pat them on the head and love them anyway”? Are we supposed to say, “I know homosexuality is abnormal; they have a brain malfunction and a chemically based disability. Therefore we should overlook this behavior”?

I know I don’t want to think that about my behaviors, whether they’re behaviors I think are wrong or right. I personally would rather think that people who practice these things are normal people making choices. We may disagree about the rightness of the choices and we can discuss that. But what I’m really getting from this song is that I’m not supposed to even question or discuss whether the behavior choice is right. I’m supposed to overlook it because it is a genetic abnormality. The video suggests I’m evil if I question whether the behavior is right or wrong instead of just overlooking it like a birth defect.

I don’t want do to do anything because I was born that way. I want to do what is right because it is right. I honestly don’t know what the answer is regarding the influence of nature and nurture regarding sexual behavior. I don’t fully know what the influence of nature versus nurture is on pretty much any behavior. However, I am 100% convinced that nothing is right based on the influence of either nature or nurture. Further, I am 100% convinced that nothing is good for me based on the influence of either nature or nurture.

While I tend to discount the “born that way” arguments, what if I’m wrong? What if people are “born this way” when it comes to their behavior choices? I may be genetically predisposed to be an alcoholic. That isn’t going to keep me from getting cirrhosis of the liver. I may be genetically predisposed to eat fatty foods and scarf 5000 calories per day. The genetic predisposition isn’t going to keep me from getting Diabetes or having an early heart attack. Further, I may be genetically predisposed to want to have sex with as many women as possible. That doesn’t make it right. I may be genetically predisposed to think might makes right and so I bully my way around all the people I disagree with or don’t like. I may even bully my wife and kids. That doesn’t make it right.

Perhaps this is why Jesus and the Bible talks so much about rebirth, renewal, and recreation.

“Jesus answered and said, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.’”–John 3:5

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”–2 Corinthians 5:17

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”–Ephesians 2:10

“…to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”–Ephesians 4:22-24

“Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.”–Colossians 3:9-10

“But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”–Titus 3:4-7

“Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God…”–1 Peter 1:22-23

Behaviors aren’t right or wrong based on birth or genetics. For that matter, they aren’t right or wrong based on parental upbringing or cultural socialization. They are right or wrong based on God’s Word. If we are doing what we were born to do, we are probably doing the wrong thing. What we need is rebirth. Then we need to behave in the way we were reborn to behave.

In a YouTube video, I witnessed Stefani Germanotta break down in tears because she still feels like a loser sometimes. I get that. I do too sometimes. In the same video, she says a prayer and makes the sign of the cross. I know from that that Lady Gaga believes she is somehow connected to Jesus on the cross. So, I’d like to share with her and with everyone else in this new generation that the answer to our loss is not to celebrate acting the way we were born (if that is the reason we have acted the way we do). Rather, it is to celebrate a rebirth in Jesus Christ and His death. And the great thing about that is real issues of birth do not keep us from Jesus. As Romans 2:11 says, God shows no partiality. No matter our race or birth, we can be reborn in Jesus Christ and overcome any behaviors we have that are wrong.

Instead of this misplaced anthem that has so rocked the world, may we learn to sing:

NO MATTER WHAT I HAVE DONE,
OR HOW I ONCE LIVED MY LIFE
I’M ON THE RIGHT TRACK NOW
I WAS REBORN; I’LL SURVIVE
NO MATTER BLACK, WHITE OR BEIGE
CHOLA OR ORIENT MADE
I’M ON THE RIGHT TRACK NOW
I WAS REBORN HIS WAY

What do you think? Should Germanotta’s song be our new anthem or should we consider our behaviors based on another standard? Click the following link to add your input: Post a comment.

Okay, I admit it. I went for shock value in yesterday’s blog post title. You may be happy to know it didn’t produce the curiosity and traffic I had hoped. Maybe there’s hope for us yet. But some of the folks who came to the blog were thinking, “Oh, this would have been great to hear 20 years ago. But I didn’t do this. Now I’m married and things are a mess.” I get that. Why? Because I didn’t follow those 7 steps either. I blew it and I know how tough it is to overcome that. While it is harder to have a great sex life in marriage if you didn’t follow these 7 steps, your marriage can still be great and so can the sex. But how? What if I already blew the 7 steps, what do I do now?

What if I Already Blew the 7 Steps

Most folks didn’t follow the 7 steps. I know that because I can look up webpages about the top reasons given for divorce and see that #1 is sexual infidelity. #5 is sexual incompatibility. But notice that #2 (Communication breakdown), #3 (Physical, psychological, or emotional abuse), #6 (Boredom), #7 (Religious and cultural strains), #8 (Child rearing), #9 (Addiction), and #10 (Differences in priorities and expectations) all stem from not pursuing the 7 steps to Great Sex. Financial trouble (#4) might also have been avoided if you followed the steps.

So, what do you do if you didn’t follow the 7 steps and now you find yourself stuck in a marriage filled with sexual incompatibility, communication breakdown, boredom, etc? Here are 7 steps for you.

Step #1: Understand that sex is optional.

That’s right. Because you didn’t follow the first 7 steps, you’ve probably entered your marriage with all kinds of misconceptions about sex and sexuality. You are probably placing way too much expectation on sex to do something amazing for your marriage. When it doesn’t, you either get frustrated with it and give up on it. Or you keep chasing it. Which leads to lots of marriage trouble and often infidelity.

Understand this. You don’t have to have sex today to live. Sex can be an enjoyable part of your marriage again someday. But if you think it is absolutely necessary today to have a good marriage, you will just further your troubles today. Remember, Paul wasn’t having sex and he didn’t die (I Corinthians 7:7).

Step #2: Learn the truth about sex and sexuality.

If you didn’t follow the first 7 steps, and you are still reading this post because you are hoping to get some help, you probably don’t have a healthy view of sex. Sadly, too many learn about sex from the movies, romance novels, the locker room, and pornography. These are simply not reliable sources. They give us all sorts of wrong ideas about sex, let alone healthy relationships. I know this sounds a little frightening, but you need to clean up your sources of information about sex and sexuality. You need to learn how to think about sex like an adult. You may even need some basic anatomy lessons to understand how everything really works. I can’t tell you the number of guys I’ve talked to who really believe that they have to have “the release” or they’ll get sick or damaged. That just isn’t true. I can’t tell you the number of women who labor under the misconception that sex is just painful and there’s nothing they can do about it. That just isn’t true. These are people who have misconceptions born from bad sources of information. While Hosea 4:6 was talking about completely different issues, the principle is valid in a whole host of situations, including this one. “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” Get some knowledge about how sex and relationships work. There are lots of books out there on this stuff. Try reading Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage* or some others to help.

Step #3: Focus on your relationship with God.

If you didn’t follow the first 7 steps, then you are probably expecting too much out of sex and your spouse. You probably think that somehow they are supposed to fill all the holes you are feeling. You may even be thinking you married the wrong person because things are not going like you thought they should. The problem is not them. It is you. Trust me. I know. I’ve had to say this to myself over and over again. While God created marriage to provide companionship because it is not good for man to be alone, He did not create marriage so that another person or sex with that person could fix our brokenness. Only God can do that. So, take a long hard look in the mirror. Examine yourself and develop a strong relationship with God. That will allow you to have meaning and fulfillment in life no matter what happens with your marriage. When God is your refuge, you can face anything, even marriage trouble (Psalm 18:1-3). Besides, you’ll be amazed how much better your marriage is when you are better.

Step #4: Work on your emotional and spiritual relationship with your spouse.

Sadly, in our sex-crazed culture, we think everything is about sex. We think it is the end-all, be-all of everything about a relationship. We think if we can just do sex right then we will have taken the magic pill to fix our relationships. That just isn’t true. Truly great sex is not about some technique that maximizes physical pleasure. Rather, it is about the celebration of a great relationship. The fact is none among us can measure the physical pleasure or how ours compares with anyone else’s. Nor should we try. Here is the key. Shooting for better sex won’t give you a better relationship. Rather, developing deeper emotional and spiritual intimacy with your spouse will provide your more fulfillment in sex. Why? Because then sex is a celebration, not a performance. When it is a performance, all you think about is what didn’t go right. When it is a celebration it doesn’t matter, it’s just fun.

Step #5: Take a break and figure out where you and your spouse are going.

Since you didn’t follow the first 7 steps, you may have gotten into a marriage with someone who has different goals and expectations. That is tough to deal with and yes it will hinder your marriage and your sex life. It’s hard to celebrate with someone who has so ticked you off and rubbed you the wrong way that you can’t stand to be around them. But now you’re married and divorce is not an option (cf. Matthew 19:3-9). So, what are you going to do? You have to back off, sit down, and talk it through. You have to forge a life together. You have to figure out what path you can take together that will provide you both with meaning and fulfillment in the marriage. This business of the husband gets to pursue his goals and dreams and then when the kids are out of the house the wife can isn’t going to work. That isn’t a family. That is a prison-camp. By the way, in the sexual realm, while you are working on this, it might be a good time to practice I Corinthians 7:5. This may be a good time to quit pushing your spouse to have sex with you and instead get the marriage moving in a single direction. Then you will be able to come back together in celebration.

Step #6: Get help.

I wish just reading a 7 step article could really fix the brokenness. It might be a good start. It might give you some things to think about. It might point you in the right direction. It might even help you for a few days. But it probably won’t fix anything longterm. So, get some help. Quit trying to face these issues on your own. Talk to some brothers and sisters in Christ (not about how awful your spouse is, but about the help you need). Talk to your elders. Get some professional help. There are godly folks who have studied and been trained to help with marriage issues; get their counsel. Proverbs 11:14; 15:22; 20:18; 24:6 all demonstrate the great benefit of getting wise counsel and having lots of wise counselors. As the Wizard of Ads says, it’s hard to read the label when you’re inside the bottle. Your best thinking got you into the mess you’re in. You need to get good counsel and help from godly, objective outsiders to help you move forward.

Step #7: Be patient.

When we don’t do things God’s way at first, it takes time to get back to God’s way and fix what we broke. That’s just reality. You didn’t get in this mess overnight and you won’t get out of it overnight. But it will get better. There will be ups and downs. There will be forward steps and backward steps. But it will get better. Things will be going good and then there will be some momentary disaster that makes you wonder if all of this working God’s way really works. But it will get better. Remember, this isn’t a competition. You don’t have to have a better marriage than your next door neighbor by Saturday. In fact, you don’t even have to have a better marriage than your neighbor. You just need to work on having a better marriage tomorrow than you do today. You are where you are. But if you work these steps, it will get better. I’m positive. Because I know from my own experience that God’s way works.

Let’s face it, I started this all out about sex yesterday as a response to another blogger’s question and because I was trying a lurid experiment to see how that would impact my traffic. But this isn’t really about sex. This is about marriage. This is about having fulfillment in a godly relationship. I hope this helped.

What helps you make your marriage relationship better? Please add your input in the comments section below. For my subscribers, click the following link to add your input: Post a Comment.

*This post does contain affiliate links. But, help a guy out, click the link and buy something from Amazon. That way I can avoid the #4 reason give for divorce.

I received a heart-rending letter this week from a brother who is suffering the earthly consequences of his heinous sins. He had heard a sermon I preached entitled “We are Allowed to Love Ourselves.” You may remember the series on this very topic that I wrote on this blog. The brother wanted to know how he could ever forgive himself. Having committed some heinous sins myself, I want to know the same thing. What does it mean to forgive ourselves? Should we forgive ourselves? How can we?

What forgiving yourself is not

As I thought about this, I realized that sometimes I’ve pushed some of my sins aside, thinking that was forgiving myself, but it wasn’t. On the other hand, some sins I’ve let dominate my conscious because I simply didn’t think I could or should forgive myself. So, before you can grasp what forgiving yourself is and means, you need to get rid of misconceptions.

Forgiving yourself is not…

1. …acting like you didn’t do anything wrong or “that bad.”

I can’t possibly forgive myself if I’m saying I didn’t do anything wrong or if I’m saying that I didn’t do anything that bad. That isn’t forgiveness. That is denial.

2. …getting away with sin.

Sometimes I don’t want to forgive others because I think that means letting them get away with something. It dawns on me that I do the same thing with me. I know I deserve punishment so I want to hang on to the awfulness of what I did because I know I shouldn’t just get away with it. Forgiveness doesn’t mean overlooking or ignoring sin. It simply means dealing with sin in love.

3. …shifting blame or avoiding responsibility for the sin.

Adam couldn’t forgive himself for eating the fruit because he claimed it was someone else’s fault. The same goes for Eve. I’m not forgiving myself when I’m trying to figure out how it was really someone else who sinned.

4. …avoiding consequences.

Even when we forgive ourselves, we may still have to suffer consequences for our sins. I may forgive myself for all my drinking and drunkenness, but my cirrhosis of the liver won’t go away.

5. …getting rid of your sorrow and mourning.

Godly sorrow leads to repentance according to 2 Corinthians 7:10. But repentance and forgiveness do not necessarily remove the godly sorrow. That sorrow may continue for a long, long time. In fact, it should.

What forgiving yourself is

Okay, if forgiving yourself is not all these things, what is it? What does it mean to forgive yourself?

Forgiving yourself means…

1. …owning your sins.

Though this is probably clear from what forgiveness is not. We need to state it positively. You can only forgive yourself if you completely own your sin. Notice David’s ownership in Psalm 32 and Psalm 51. You have to accept responsibility and admit that you are the man without overlooking, justifying, or excusing what you did.

2. …accepting God’s grace.

You must recognize that apart from God’s grace through Jesus Christ, there is no real forgiveness. Sure, you can overlook sins. You can forget sins. You can act like sins don’t matter. But none of this forgiveness. If, as we said above, forgiveness is dealing with sins in love, then you can only forgive yourself when you accept God loves you and He has forgiven you through Jesus Christ (I John 4:19).

3. …not defining yourself by your worst moments or your best moments.

Paul was not a persecutor, blasphemer, and insolent opponent (I Timothy 1:13). Those were things he had done, but he had been forgiven. He didn’t have to define himself or the entirety of his life by those things. Was he still sorry for them? Sure. But he did not have to view himself as those things. Instead, he could accept the overflowing grace of the Lord in faith and love. On the other hand, if you are like me, instead of forgiving yourself, you often try to offset your sins with the better things you have done. You say, “Well, I know I did this wrong thing, but look at all these right things I did and am doing.” The problem here is when you finally realize how heinous your sins are, you can’t find good enough works to define yourself as something other than your sins.

4. …defining yourself by God’s love for you.

“For God so love the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). You are not worthless because of your sins. You are not worthwhile because of your righteous acts. You are worthwhile because God defined you as worthwhile when He paid the price to purchase you from your sins with the blood of His Son. And He did that fully knowing every sin you were going to commit (cf. Romans 5:6-8). Forgiving yourself means seeing a person loved by God that much.

5. …no longer trying to pay for your sins.

When you realize how heinous your sins are, you realize you can’t pay for them. Forgiving yourself means simply letting that debt go. It means realizing Jesus paid the debt on the cross. As said above, it doesn’t mean ignoring your sins or overlooking them. It means coming face to face with how awful they are and realizing only one thing can be done with them. Give them to God and let Him wash them away by the blood of Jesus.

6. …setting yourself free to behave differently.

Some people fear forgiveness because they think it means giving permission to continue in sin. But consider the woman caught in adultery in John 8:1-11. Forgiveness did not mean continuing in adultery. Rather, it meant being set free to no longer have to commit adultery. If this woman defined herself by her worst moments of adultery, she had no reason to ever stop. But, having been forgiven set her free to go and sin no more. It set her free to be defined by Jesus’ love so that she might live differently. Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean overlooking and continuing in your sins, it means breaking the chains that bind you to your sins.

7. …doing right just because it is right.

If forgiving yourself means no longer trying to pay for your sins and also no longer trying to cover up your sins, then it also means doing what is right simply because it is right. It means having no ulterior motives. It means not trying to impress people or God. It means just doing the next right thing because it is the next right thing.

8. …stop punishing yourself.

Forgiveness means there is no longer any condemnation (cf. Romans 8:1). If you are like me, you sometimes think you can make everything okay if you punish and beat yourself up for all the wrong we have done. That may salve your conscience some, but it doesn’t really deal with your sins. The fact is there is really no way to deal with your sins other than paying the cost of death. You can’t pay that cost, but Jesus did. He dealt with your sins. Let Him. If He won’t punish you because He has forgiven you, why don’t you do the same?

9. …accepting blessing from God.

When you don’t forgive yourself, you seek your own punishment which generally means you sabotage your own life. You can’t imagine that you should have any blessing in your life ever again. You can’t accept blessings or enjoy them because you think your sins mean you should never have them. God has forgiven you in Jesus so He can bless you with every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3-14). Further, He is the good Father who wants to give you good gifts (Matthew 7:7-11). Forgiving yourself means seeking and accepting God’s other blessings for your life without sabotaging them.

10. …letting everyone else deal with their own thoughts and feelings about your sin.

I wish I could say that forgiving ourselves meant everyone else would also forgive us. It doesn’t. We may seek their forgiveness, beg for their forgiveness, cry for their forgiveness and they may never forgive us. We want to proclaim, “But Luke 17:3-4 says they must forgive us.” Yes. But that is between them and God, not them and us. Forgiving ourselves means not basing all this on what anyone else thinks of us. We are asking others for mercy. That means we don’t deserve it. That means they may not give it. That means we cannot demand it. But we can forgive ourselves based on God’s grace, not based on their struggle. Forgiving ourselves means letting them have their struggle and just walking hand in hand with God.

We are allowed to love ourselves despite our awful sins. God has loved us. We are allowed to forgive ourselves despite our heinous sins. God has forgiven us. It is not easy. It is a growth process. But we can do it.

This post has dealt with what it means to forgive ourselves. What practical steps would you encourage someone to do to actually forgive themselves? You can your input by clicking on the following link: Post a Comment.

Okay, so it is a little cheesy, especially at the end. But I have to admit I laughed out loud (for those of you who don’t know, that means LOL!) at the end. Check out the Skit Guys accountability group for the Romantically Challenged male.

If you can’t see the video in your RSS feed or e-mail subscription, click here to watch the video.

What advice do you have for the Romantically Challenged male? Add your input by clicking here.

“You shall have no other gods before me.”

YHWH’s words to the Israelites at the beginning of the 10 commandments. Though we are under the New Covenant and not the 10 commandments, God still deserves to be first. But is He? Do I have other gods before the true and living God? How would I know? Here are 6 questions to help you decide if you have something in the place of God.

6 Questions to Determine Who is Your God

1. Do you bow down before and pray to any statues?

Okay, this is the obvious one. If you have a statue or an icon that you bow before offering up prayers, chances are you’re an idolater.

At this point I want to quit. I’ve checked the house, don’t see any golden statues. Haven’t offered any prayers to Baal or Ahstoreth lately. Check! I’m not an idolater. But wait, maybe there doesn’t have to be an actual statue. Colossians 3:5 says covetousness is idolatry. And Philippians 3:19 talks about people whose god is their belly. Maybe we need to dig deeper. Here are 5 more questions to help us be a tad more honest about this.

2. Where do I take refuge?

This one hurts. When I’m sad, where do I go? When I’m angry what do I do? When I’m happy, how do I celebrate? This question comes from Psalm 18. God is to be my rock, my refuge, my strong and mighty tower. Do I go to Him? Or do I hit the freezer for a pint of frozen consolation? Do I spend some money on new clothes, new gadgets, new house furnishings? Or do I take refuge in a person, thinking they can fix my problems? (There is a difference between taking refuge in God by relying on God’s people and simply taking refuge in people because we’ve made them our gods.)

3. Who or what do I think has the power to bless me and provide  me happiness?

This question comes from Matthew 5:3-11 and Ephesians 1:3-14. God is the fount of blessing. So what do I think is the fount of my blessing? Is money my fount of blessing? Do I think it will protect me and provide me happiness? Is my hope set in it? What about a relationship? Am I fixated and obsessed with a certain friend or relationship thinking my life would be over if that relationship ended? Do I think life would be good if I just had a new car, a new set of clothes, an iPad 2, new curtains, new carpet, a new house…? Do I think sex is going to make everything better? Or maybe just sex with someone different? To whom or what do I turn in order to find blessing and happiness?

4. Who am I trying to please or whose approval am I seeking?

Jesus said He always tried to do what was pleasing to His father (John 8:29). Ephesians 5:10 says we should try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. But, in John 12:42, many of the authorities believed in Jesus but wouldn’t confess Him because they didn’t want to be put out of the synagogue. That is, they wanted the approval of the religious leaders. The religious leaders had become their god. Who am I trying to please? Whose approval am I desperately seeking? Do I run myself into the ground so others will think I’m something special? Do I continue in something I know isn’t right because I don’t want to upset my parents, professors, preachers, or peers? Do I bite my tongue because I’m afraid if I say how I really feel or tell the truth I think someone like my spouse, my kids, my friends, my parents, my brethren won’t like me, and above all, they have to like me?

5. Who or what am I chasing?

Matthew 6:33 says I should seek God’s kingdom and righteousness first. Is that what I spend my time seeking? Or am I chasing accolades of men in sports competitions first? Am I making sure to get my retirement in line first? Am I seeking fame and influence first? Am I chasing women? Am I chasing men? Am I chasing pleasure? Am I chasing the easy life? Am I chasing money and material goods? What am I chasing?

6. What do I dream about?

What are my fantasies? What do I lie awake at night hoping will happen? What was I thinking about when I was shaken back into the moment of reality? What is so important to me that it occupies my subconscious thinking and comes out in fantasies and dreams? (Don’t be too hard on yourself with this one, the subconscious is a crazy thing. But at the same time, don’t be too permissive with yourself here either. What is occupying your mind?)

Spend some time with these questions. Don’t be afraid of the answers. We can only put the true and living God first when we’ve identified His competitors.

What gods do you think people often put before the true and living God? How do you know? To add your input, click the following link: Click Here.

It’s been a while since we looked at the Jerusalem church. I want to get back to their success. Their first key was being devoted to God. Now we are examining their unity. Acts 4:32 says the congregation was of one heart and one soul. We have also examined why unity is so important based on Philippians 1:29-30. Today, we continue our look by examining how we can have this unity in a congregation. Philippians 1:27-2:11 provides 4 Keys to Congregational Unity.

4 Keys to Congregational Unity

1. Members must personally conduct themselves in a manner worthy of Christ’s gospel (Philippians 1:27).

This is really a no-brainer. If we are all walking hand in hand with Christ, then we will all walk hand in hand with one another. But notice the responsibility here. I need to work on me. Instead of spending my time trying to get you to walk in a manner worthy of Christ’s gospel, I need to work on my walk. Looking at Ephesians 4:1-3 can help me with my walk.

2. We must stand firm and strive together with one mind against the proper opponents (Philippians 1:27-28).

Too many churches have disunity because the members are striving with one another. Sadly, we can find innumerable things to argue about if we don’t try too hard not to. Perhaps because we aren’t in the midst of persecution it is hard for us to recognize who the proper opponents are. But it is not one another.

However, there is another part of this. Not only must we not strive with one another, we must learn to stand firm and strive against the real opponents. Too many churches don’t want to stand for anything. It is modern and hip to act like nothing matters these days. “We accept everything and everybody” can be seen on church signs and billboards across the land. But that won’t produce a real unity in a church. That will only produce a social club sweeping everything under the rug. We need to stand for what God stands for or we’ll fall with the devil.

3. We must be of the same mind, love, spirit, and purpose (Philippians 2:2, NASB).

Paul highlights four issues that help with unity in this simple statement. There is some overlap, but it is good to see each issue of unity.

Same mind–”Mind the same things” (KJV). That is have the same standard–God’s word.

Same love–We must all have the same standard of love–God’s love (I John 4:11). Further, we must love all with that same standard (James 2:1ff).

Same spirit–We must be of one accord (KJV). That is, as all the different members of a body are directed by the same spirit to accomplish the same action, we as different members of the body are working together to accomplish the same actions (cf. I Corinthians 12:12; Ephesians 4:15-16).

Same purpose: We must be going the same place, accomplishing the same goals.

4. We must put others first (Philippians 2:3-11).

Now we get to the hard stuff. Do nothing from selfish ambition. Quit trying to put self forward. Instead, put others forward. Let them have the honor. Let them be important. Don’t merely look out for your own interests, but primarily look out for the interests of others. Let them have the preeminence. Isn’t that exactly what the Jerusalem disciples were doing when Luke recorded their unity of heart and soul in Acts 4:32? They were selling their own possessions so their needy brethren could be cared for. That is putting others first.

Churches need unity. But unity takes work. Unity takes work from me. I need to quit waiting around for someone else to develop the unity in my congregation. I need to work on me so we can have unity. How about you? Do you need to do any work?

What do you do to help with the unity of your congregation? Click the following link to add your input: Click here.

This was part 14 in my series on the Jerusalem church. For an index of the series, click here. I’ll continue this series soon by looking at the next key in their success: dealing aggressively with problems.

I was humbled last night. I don’t know whether to make this post a family post because it had to do with my relationship with my kids or to make it about our individual spiritual lives because it taught me about my relationship with God. I’ll just tell you the story and let you draw your own conclusions.

Yesterday was a red-letter day for one of my boys. He was on a tear. He couldn’t keep his hands to himself. He couldn’t calm down. He wouldn’t listen when people asked him to stop. He lied. He annoyed. He caused trouble. He was disrespectful. He smarted off. You know what I’m talking about. He was acting like a 9-year-old boy (imagine that). It was like he was intent on seeking all the negative attention he could get. Poor kid, yesterday he was spanked, sent to his room, had to run around the house 5 times, had to stand in the middle of the room and get all his crying and yelling out, sat down on the couch to be still, lectured. He’s probably going to end up on Dr. Phil because of yesterday.

Finally, last night right before bed, I was talking to him for about the 10th time yesterday that when people ask him to stop, he needs to listen. He may think what he is doing is fun, but they are trying to let him know that it isn’t fun for them. We talked about how if he valued the relationships more than whatever the action was, he needed to stop the action and promote the relationship. We talked about respecting boundaries. We talked about putting a pause button between what he thought and what he said or did. We talked about pushing that pause button and realizing that if he went on with the action, in a few minutes I was going to be asking him, “Son, why did you do that?” If his only response is going to be, “I don’t know,” then he shouldn’t do it. We talked about alternative ways to express his feelings than bugging and annoying his siblings. We talked about how he could come talk to me or his mom about what he is feeling instead of expressing them in annoying ways to get on his siblings nerves and demand their attention.

I have to admit it. I was exhausted. I was tired of this. I was at my wit’s end. I’m thankful that I didn’t blow up. That shows God has been working on me. My son and I just talked. We didn’t yell. That was good. But, I was so frustrated. I said, “Son, why do I have to keep having this conversation with you? I’m just so tired of having this conversation with you.” I brought in some Bible passages from the Proverbs that we have been studying in our family study time lately. I tried to get him to look to the future and see that with each action he is choosing either a course to folly or to wisdom and that I was trying to help him grow up to be the wise man I knew he could be. I pulled out the big parenting proverbs about listening to a father’s instruction. I must have asked him 20 times in the space of five minutes, “Son, how many times am I going to have to have this conversation with you? I’m just so tired of having this same conversation.”

We wrapped up our talk. I hugged him, kissed him, told him I loved him, prayed with him, and then I sent him to bed.

Frustrated and shaking my head, I pulled out the book I started reading earlier, Boundaries with Kids, by Cloud and Townsend.* That’s when I read:

Finally, if you are overwhelmed with the task of teaching a young person…be comforted. God is also a parent and for many years has gone through the same pains you are experiencing.

I almost started crying. As if watching a film, images of sins that I have committed over and over and over and over again flitted through my mind’s eye. And as if listening to my iPod, I heard my own words coming back at me, “Son, how many times am I going to have to have this conversation with you? I’m just so tired of having this same conversation.” And I knew, God could say that same thing to me. How many times could He have said that to me? How many times will He be able to say that to me in my life?

Yet, He hasn’t. Instead, He is patient with me, not wishing that I would perish (II Peter 3:9). He has given me His Word so I could grow. He has given me other people to help me grow. He has given me His Spirit so I can be sanctified. He sent His Son to take the punishment for my sins, to be sacrificed, to die so I don’t have to, so I can be free from all these things I keep doing.

I just cried and prayed.

I wish I had a nice wrap up on this package, to be able to put the bow on top and send you away with words of wisdom. But I don’t. I just needed to share the story. I’m still not even sure what all lessons I should learn from this. It’s just a reminder that I’m writing this blog because of what I’m learning, not because of what I already have figured out.

I feel odd trying to end this with a question and an opportunity for you to respond as I’ve been trying to do with my posts lately. But if you want to respond or if you have a similar experience to share, click here to add your input.

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*Yes, this post proves how mercenary I am. That is an affiliate link for the book that gave me this amazing epiphany. I’m looking forward to reading it. If you want to check it out, here’s another link for you.

This month’s Cosmopolitan magazine offers women “50 Ways to Seduce a Man (In One Minute or Less).” Part of me wanted to check out that article to see how many of the ways fit within The 7 Appeals of a Seductress I wrote about the other day. However, the picture on the cover led me to believe that magazine is dangerous to my soul. So I left it in the rack. Here’s the point, ladies. Some women want to seduce your man and they are educating others in how to accomplish that in less than one minute.

That’s where today’s post comes in. My brother-in-law, Nathan Williams, reposted my article and received a great response from a brother named Doug Hoffman. I received permission to repost it here.

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7 Ways Wives Can Beat the Seductress

Once married, a young man is MORE attractive to the opposite sex.  And he is more vulnerable than before he got married.  He is viewed by the temptress as stable (certainly more stable than she), catchable (because he’s already been caught), and committed (at least able to commit).  Many young married men can identify with the fact that often the temptress is more active AFTER she finds they are married than she was before.  At this critical time the man needs to pull out all the tools he used BEFORE he got married to ward off her subtle but obvious attempts to destroy his marriage.  However, this passage also gives the WIFE ammunition she needs to combat the seductress.

A woman who understands the vulnerability of her young husband and recognizes the reality that her own interests may have waned (especially in the presence of ever-present children or uncontrollable sleep/eat/feed schedules) will look at this passage with a different view—from HIS viewpoint.  How might SHE continue to satisfy the needs of her husband and help him keep his eyes on HER?

Try these suggestions from this passage:

• Dress like the godly woman you are, but learn how to appeal to your husband in the proper setting (you can be what he needs you to be in the bedroom),
• Be affectionate to him, let him know he’s very important to you and TELL HIM SO, constantly,
• Be appreciative (and express it) of his strength of character to remain true to his vows to you and God,
• Let him know how much you value his importance to you and the family (and express it regularly),
• Make the marriage event the best it can be, enjoy him and let him enjoy you…that’s God’s plan for real fulfillment and security,
• Know that he needs you, emotionally.  Freely give, listen, and communicate that emotion (and again, express it but also listen)
• The intimate things you share only with him (laughing, joking, wrestling, or whatever) should be the highlight of your day.

Don’t assume anything.  It is correct that the temptress will “pull out all stops and say anything to get you in bed.”  Unfortunately, many young married women don’t take the time to pull out any stops and prefer to say nothing about how valuable their husband is to them and the family.  And then they wonder why their husbands have roving eyes?  Hmmmmm.

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Thanks for taking my post to the next level, Doug.

What else do you do to protect your marriage? Click here to add your input.

I was mad at my wife a few weeks ago. The reason why is unimportant. I felt like she had wronged me. That happens in marriage some times. Because of this, I was starting to get into resentment and bitterness. The more I resented her and became embittered, the more reasons I could think of to resent her and be embittered. The more things I thought of that made me mad at her, the more my own sins seemed attractive. In fact, I was entitled to them.

Fortunately, by the grace of God, I have some friends I turn to for accountability. They pulled me up short. One of them gave me some reading to do and some assignments to work on. I didn’t want to do them. I was sure they would all just tell me that I needed to quit being mad at my wife and I didn’t want to let that go. I wanted to hang on to it. It was giving me permission to ignore my own side of the street. But, I’ve learned that relying on God’s strength means doing what my wise counselors tell me to do. So I started reading.

Because of one of the readings, Romans 5:6-8 hit me like a ton of bricks.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person–though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die–but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Wait! What?

When did Christ die for me? When did He show His love for me? When did He start offering me grace? Praise God, He didn’t wait until I was strong, godly, and victorious over sin. He did all of that while I was still weak, ungodly, and sinful. He did that while He had plenty of reason to be resentful, embittered, and downright angry at me. In fact, isn’t that exactly what I want Him to do? I need grace while I’m still weak, ungodly, and sinful, otherwise I’ll never become strong, godly, and victorious over sin.

If Jesus Christ would do this for me, how much more ought I to do that for my wife? She doesn’t need my resentment, bitterness, and anger when she is weak, ungodly, and sinful. She needs grace and love. She needs me to sacrifice for her in those times. In fact, isn’t that exactly how I want her to treat me? Let’s face it, I’m pretty weak, ungodly, and sinful myself. For every thing she does that makes me embittered, resentful, and angry, she can provide a list of things I’ve done to do the same to her. Don’t I want her patience, compassion, grace, and love at those times? Of course. I need to offer the same to her.

The wall broke. The anger vanished. The resentment dissipated. The bitterness backed off. Remembering Christ’s love for me strengthened me to get back to love for my wife. It allowed me to let Christ love my wife through me.

Now don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying Christ’s love taught me how to stuff my feelings about things my wife has done. I still have to grow to communicate these feelings with her in a mature and Christlike manner. But I’ve learned the first key to be able to communicate like that and develop some marital peace, harmony, and happiness.

The 1st Key: I must offer my wife the same grace at the same time as Jesus offered it to me.

What have you learned to help you deal with marital strife? You can add your input by clicking here.

Come on! Really? Has that line ever worked?

You ever had an awkward moment trying to get a date or even out on a date? If you are allowed to put it into print, why don’t you tell us about it. You can let us know by clicking here.

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