I was humbled last night. I don’t know whether to make this post a family post because it had to do with my relationship with my kids or to make it about our individual spiritual lives because it taught me about my relationship with God. I’ll just tell you the story and let you draw your own conclusions.

Yesterday was a red-letter day for one of my boys. He was on a tear. He couldn’t keep his hands to himself. He couldn’t calm down. He wouldn’t listen when people asked him to stop. He lied. He annoyed. He caused trouble. He was disrespectful. He smarted off. You know what I’m talking about. He was acting like a 9-year-old boy (imagine that). It was like he was intent on seeking all the negative attention he could get. Poor kid, yesterday he was spanked, sent to his room, had to run around the house 5 times, had to stand in the middle of the room and get all his crying and yelling out, sat down on the couch to be still, lectured. He’s probably going to end up on Dr. Phil because of yesterday.

Finally, last night right before bed, I was talking to him for about the 10th time yesterday that when people ask him to stop, he needs to listen. He may think what he is doing is fun, but they are trying to let him know that it isn’t fun for them. We talked about how if he valued the relationships more than whatever the action was, he needed to stop the action and promote the relationship. We talked about respecting boundaries. We talked about putting a pause button between what he thought and what he said or did. We talked about pushing that pause button and realizing that if he went on with the action, in a few minutes I was going to be asking him, “Son, why did you do that?” If his only response is going to be, “I don’t know,” then he shouldn’t do it. We talked about alternative ways to express his feelings than bugging and annoying his siblings. We talked about how he could come talk to me or his mom about what he is feeling instead of expressing them in annoying ways to get on his siblings nerves and demand their attention.

I have to admit it. I was exhausted. I was tired of this. I was at my wit’s end. I’m thankful that I didn’t blow up. That shows God has been working on me. My son and I just talked. We didn’t yell. That was good. But, I was so frustrated. I said, “Son, why do I have to keep having this conversation with you? I’m just so tired of having this conversation with you.” I brought in some Bible passages from the Proverbs that we have been studying in our family study time lately. I tried to get him to look to the future and see that with each action he is choosing either a course to folly or to wisdom and that I was trying to help him grow up to be the wise man I knew he could be. I pulled out the big parenting proverbs about listening to a father’s instruction. I must have asked him 20 times in the space of five minutes, “Son, how many times am I going to have to have this conversation with you? I’m just so tired of having this same conversation.”

We wrapped up our talk. I hugged him, kissed him, told him I loved him, prayed with him, and then I sent him to bed.

Frustrated and shaking my head, I pulled out the book I started reading earlier, Boundaries with Kids, by Cloud and Townsend.* That’s when I read:

Finally, if you are overwhelmed with the task of teaching a young person…be comforted. God is also a parent and for many years has gone through the same pains you are experiencing.

I almost started crying. As if watching a film, images of sins that I have committed over and over and over and over again flitted through my mind’s eye. And as if listening to my iPod, I heard my own words coming back at me, “Son, how many times am I going to have to have this conversation with you? I’m just so tired of having this same conversation.” And I knew, God could say that same thing to me. How many times could He have said that to me? How many times will He be able to say that to me in my life?

Yet, He hasn’t. Instead, He is patient with me, not wishing that I would perish (II Peter 3:9). He has given me His Word so I could grow. He has given me other people to help me grow. He has given me His Spirit so I can be sanctified. He sent His Son to take the punishment for my sins, to be sacrificed, to die so I don’t have to, so I can be free from all these things I keep doing.

I just cried and prayed.

I wish I had a nice wrap up on this package, to be able to put the bow on top and send you away with words of wisdom. But I don’t. I just needed to share the story. I’m still not even sure what all lessons I should learn from this. It’s just a reminder that I’m writing this blog because of what I’m learning, not because of what I already have figured out.

I feel odd trying to end this with a question and an opportunity for you to respond as I’ve been trying to do with my posts lately. But if you want to respond or if you have a similar experience to share, click here to add your input.

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*Yes, this post proves how mercenary I am. That is an affiliate link for the book that gave me this amazing epiphany. I’m looking forward to reading it. If you want to check it out, here’s another link for you.

I know this may shock you, but my family and I have a terrible struggle with keeping a scheduled family Bible study and prayer time. We’ve learned all kinds of great ways to study and pray together. I’ve written about one of my favorites on this blog. But despite how inspiring some of these methods are, we get them started, do well for a while, and then it falls off. The struggle is often with making the schedules work. I don’t have a set schedule. I’ll have meetings come up or studies come up or I’ll have to go out of town. Or maybe something comes up for Marita or the kids. It gets in the way of our Bible study and prayer schedule and then, after a few misses, the habit is broken. A few weeks or months later, we are convicted about our lack of devotion and we get back on the family Bible study bandwagon feeling all kinds of shame and guilt.

If you’re like us, I’ve got something that might help. We’ve discovered a way to overcome this struggle. At least it is working for us. Although all kinds of things mess up our schedules every week and keep us from being able to set a timed schedule for Bible study, we recognized that we are actually pretty good at making sure we eat no matter what our scheduling does. No, we don’t actually get three family meals together every day. But we do get several family meals together each week.

So, we bought two cheap Bibles (Bibles that we didn’t mind getting a little food or drink spilled on them). Then we set them on our two tables. Now we have a reminder every time we sit down to eat to pull the Bible out and discuss it. We read a chapter and talk about it and then we pray.

This has been great for us because we are studying, praying, and having quality family time in actual communication. What is really great about this (since we are going through Proverbs right now) is how it has helped with discipline. We keep coming across Proverbs that apply to real life situations in our family. When one of us crosses the line on something, we’ve probably read a proverb about it that day. Now it is no longer just parents disciplining children; it is God disciplining our family.

You may not struggle with the scheduling. But if you do, I recommend this approach. See if it doesn’t help. Make sure you come back and let us know how it helps.

What do you do to help you study with your family? Click here to add your input.

Alright, I’m struggling as a dad. I have some big questions. So I thought I’d just throw out what I’m thinking and get some discussion going. Hopefully, we can come up with an answer together.

I understand that my job is to discipline my children. I am to train them up so they can be productive parts of God’s kingdom and man’s society. Part of that means using the rod. At the same time, I’ve learned that the mere threat of the rod doesn’t necessarily produce great behavior in my children. In some cases, it simply helps them get really good at being secretive and avoiding detection.

There have been some times where something has happened, we have no idea which child did it. We threaten and cajole and don’t get any closer. I know some suggest simply punishing them all, but I keep going back to treating others the way I want to be treated. I don’t want to be punished for something I didn’t do just because the one who did it won’t fess up. On some occasions, we finally got to a point of saying, “Look, somebody here has lied. We know what lying can do to your heart. We know the guilt and shame it can produce and we don’t want you to live with that for the rest of your life. When whoever the guilty party is has had enough of the guilt and shame, come talk to us. We won’t punish you, we just want to help you overcome this sin.”

In most cases, the guilty party eventually comes clean with us in a private setting. We have a good talk. I think the child was helped.

For a time, I wondered, “Hmm, does punishment not really work? Is that hindering my kids from being honest with me? Should I remove the threat of punishment?” But I can’t square that with the Bible. Obviously the Bible talks about parents disciplining and punishing their children.

Then I got to thinking about how God deals with me. I saw four things and I’m trying to figure out how to bring them into my parenting with consistency and wondering if I’m even on the right track. Here is what I saw.

1. When I’m caught in impenitent rebellion and dishonesty, God punishes.
2. When I come to God to penitently confess my sins, God forgives and shows mercy. He doesn’t punish.
3. Whether I’m in impenitent rebellion or penitently confessing, God lets me face the natural consequences of my action.
4. When I penitently confess my sins, God teaches and provides boundaries to overcome the sin in the future, pruning and disciplining me.

So, here are my questions for you.

1. Are the above four points accurate? Is that how God really deals with us?
2. If they are accurate, how do we implement the same strategy in our parenting?
3. When should we punish? When should we show mercy?

In other words, if my child confesses before getting caught, is there never any punishment? How do you distinguish between punishment, discipline, and natural consequences? You tell me.

Thanks ahead of time for letting me know what you think.

And remember, God’s way really does work for our families.

Edwin

This week, I have to offer an apology. I guess I thought my 10-year-old son wouldn’t get around to reading my blog ever and so last week wasn’t too worried about using our great moment as an example. I’m still thankful for the example we got to share, but I apparently embarrassed my son. I don’t ever want to do that. 

So, I encourage you to learn from my mistake and be really, really careful when you use your family as an example. The best bet is to get permission first.

Anyway, to Ethan:

Thank you for reading my blog.

Thank you for being willing to share your emotions with me.

I’m sorry for embarrassing you. I hope you can forgive me.

I almost made a huge mistake last night. 

Supper was just about finished. I was tired. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I definitely didn’t feel like getting out in the cold or cleaning up the mess if the kids got out. A friend called and said, “Have you looked outside?” I was stunned. Seemingly out of nowhere snow was falling the size of quarters and half-dollars and it was sticking. Already, there was a layer of snow worthy of operation snowball.

Then came the near fatal mistake. I almost said, “This will be great to play in tomorrow. Let’s eat and then get going to bed. You’ll have fun tomorrow.” But something caught and I decided to let the kids have their fun. I told them they could go play and simply reheat their dinner when they were ready to eat. After I ate my dinner, Trina (the two-year-old) asked if she could go outside. My initial thought was, “No, that will mean I have to go outside too.” However, I was out of town last week and thought some impromptu play time with the kids would be good. We had a terrific snowball fight. Tessa and Ethan took on Ryan and me. Of course, we trounced them, though Ethan and Tessa did get a few good shots in.

Why would putting off the fun until today have been a fatal mistake? I was certain there would be time to play today in the snow. Usually it gets colder over night. Yet, when we woke up this morning, there was only the slightest hint that it had snowed. If I had pushed it off until today, we wouldn’t have been able to play in that snow at all.

Here’s the lesson. If there’s snow right now, go play in it with your kids. You just never know what tomorrow will bring. Putting that time off until tomorrow may mean you miss out on it completely.

Of course, I hope you understand this isn’t just about playing in the snow. (By the way, can you hear the strains of “Cat’s in the Cradle” playing in the background?)

Maybe it will snow enough today that I’ll get to play with my kids again when I get home tonight. I hope so.

Have a great day and even if it isn’t snowing where you are, do something with your kids today. You may not have the opportunity tomorrow.

I spend most of my time afraid I’m warping my kids for life. Most of the folks around me fear the same thing. However, every once in a while, I see a glimmer of hope. Maybe I’m not doing absolutely everything wrong.

Ethan, our 10 year old, is one of the most creative people I know. He writes stories and makes up games. He’s been doing this for years. It has just been natural to recognize this creativity. A few months ago, Marita and I talked about it and decided to be purposeful about commenting on this unique gift he has and prompting him to nurture it through practice and work. When we have our family meetings or when we are just talking with him, we’ve looked for opportunities to praise and encourage his creativity. 

Two things have happened in the past week that helped me see this is working.

1) We were playing Apples to Apples (yes, that is an affiliate link, hey, I’ve got to make a living somehow, right?) Each player is given 7 red cards with different nouns on them (e.g. the 1970s, Martin Luther King Jr., my family, gorillas). A green card is turned over with some kind of adjective on it (e.g. playful, wicked, hot, delicious). Each player submits a green card with what they think most closely links to the target adjective. The judge for the round picks out the one he/she thinks most closely fits the target word. 

Anyway, the target adjective was “Creative” and Ethan quietly said to me, “If one of my green cards said ‘Me’ on it, I’d play that one.” Yes! My son believes he is creative. 

2) The other day Ethan and I were talking in the kitchen. I think I was doing the dishes. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but it had something to do with some creative thing he had done. I commented on his creativity. He said, “You know, Dad, it makes me feel special when someone talks about me being creative.” Yes! My son feels special.

This really all happened quite by accident. Here we are fumbling and stumbling our way through this parenting thing and we hit on a success. I shared these stories with Marita the other day in our family meeting time (before meeting with the kids) and talked about how we are doing a good job with Ethan on this, but perhaps not as good with the others. Now we need to start paying more attention to the others and find the unique gifts and talents they have to help them feel special as well.

Here are 4 Keys I learned about helping your kids feel special from this.

1. Observe them closely and discover their God-given uniqueness.
2. Ask them what makes them feel special
3. Comment on it, praise it, encourage it frequently
4. Give your kids lots of smiles and hugs as you do the rest of this.

By the way, what makes you feel special?

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the #1 reason you should own a dog. That reason was that walking the dog helps provide a pause button before you blow up with anger. The problem is, even after writing that, I don’t alway remember to go walk the dog.

Last week I blew up at my daughter, Tessa, ironically enough about the dog. When I say I blew up, I mean volcanic eruption. Yelling, hateful speech, belittling and hurting. It was so awful, her only response was to break down in tears. That broke my heart. To know that I was the cause of such sadness and pain kills me. The problem is that it is too late to take it back. The damage has been done. However, just because the damage has been done doesn’t mean I just ask for God’s forgiveness and move on without looking back.

Matthew 5:23-24 says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” What was sacrifice for under the Old Covenant? It wasn’t just an act of worship. Sacrifice was the means by which the Jews became reconciled with God for their sins. What then is Jesus saying? He’s saying that before I strive to be reconciled with God over some sin of mine, I need to reconcile with the person against whom I sinned. I can’t sin against people all day and then think a nightly prayer of confession wipes my slate clean. I need to be busy reconciling.

When I blew up at Tessa, I immediately knew I had done wrong. (I don’t treat that lightly. There was a time when I didn’t recognize that blowing up at my children was wrong. This immediate recognition is progress for me.) Within two minutes I had apologized. However, my apology went something like this, “Tessa, I’m sorry I blew up at you. But I’m just so tired of you arguing with me. You have to quit arguing with me and disrespecting me. I’m the parent in this relationship and you are supposed to do what I tell you without backtalking.”

Can you already see the problem? Sure, I said the words, “I’m sorry.” But I didn’t apologize. I didn’t seek amends. I didn’t reconcile. I actually just used those words to start another harangue on my daughter. I didn’t take responsibility for my actions. Rather, I admitted I had done something wrong but placed the responsibility on Tessa. The “apology” was more about what I thought she had done wrong than what I knew I had done wrong.

Sadly, my conviction on this flawed apology was a little bit slower in coming. It took all day for this conviction to come. (As a side note, this happened last Tuesday morning, which may explain why I was in no mood to get last week’s post up on a Springboard for Your Family.)

However, when I got home last week after our gospel meeting with Terry Francis, I pulled Tessa aside and offered a true apology, amends, reconciliation. Here is essentially what I said.

“Tessa, I need to offer you an apology. This morning when you argued with me, I blew up at you. That was wrong of me. I’m sorry. Then I offered an apology that wasn’t really an apology but actually a justification. I really blamed you for my sin. I do think you were wrong for arguing with me and disrespecting with me. But my angry outburst was not your fault. I acted like you were to blame when I was the one who blew up. Your arguing and my blowing up were two different things. I’m sorry for blowing up at you and I’m sorry for blaming you. I don’t want you to think you were at fault for my sin. Will you please forgive me?” She said yes and we hugged.

Please notice some things here that will help as we strive to reconcile with folks.

1) Take personal responsibility.

My angry outburst was mine. It wasn’t Tessa’s. Did she do something wrong? Sure. But that was hers and not mine. It doesn’t matter what anyone else does, I’m not given permission to sin. Therefore, when I’m seeking forgiveness and reconciliation I must not shift the responsibility to anyone else. When I do, I’m not really apologizing.

2) State the sin/wrong/hurt.

Many times, I want to gloss over my wrongs by just offering some kind of general apology or plea for reconciliation. However, if I really want reconciliation, I won’t gloss over but I will validate the other person’s feelings of hurt and anger by stating exactly what I did. I blew up. I justified. I acted like I was apologizing when I wasn’t. The way I avoided this in my second apology (first real apology) was to actually state all the sins I had committed, all the hurts I had administered. This showed that I really had thought about what I had done. I really did have remorse about the hurt. 

Before someone cries, “Wait a minute, God never said I had to list all the hurts,” let me make a comment. I’m not trying to write a 5-step plan for being forgiven by God so you can go to heaven. I’m writing what I’ve learned actually helps me reconcile with others. God did say you needed to reconcile with those you had wronged. I’ve learned this helps accomplish what God has asked of us.

3) State that it was a sin.

Certainly, sometimes I make errors in judgment or mistakes. When that is all I’ve done, that is all I need to admit to. However, when I’ve actually sinned (and wrathful outbursts and clamoring really are sins even when they are directed toward my children–Ephesians 4:31), I need to admit what I did. I shouldn’t minimize it. I shouldn’t play it down. I need to call a spade a spade and a sin a sin. Otherwise, I’m still not really apologizing and reconciling, am I?

4) Don’t demand the other apologize.

Tessa did wrong with her disrespectful argument and disobedience. But that didn’t need to be dealt with as I apologized for my sin. The fact is my apology would come off as manipulative if it appeared like my apology was actually fishing for Tessa to offer how own apology for her wrongs.

Don’t misunderstand, if someone has sinned against you, you should talk to them about it. I’m just saying the midst of your own apology is not the place to do it.

5) Ask for forgiveness.

When I’ve sinned, what I need most is forgiveness. I didn’t need to simply apologize and move on. I needed to put the ball in Tessa’s court. As much as it depends on me, I should be at peace with all people (Romans 12:18). That means I need to do my part. My part is to recognize my wrong, apologize, and seek forgiveness. When I’ve done that, then as far as it depends on me, I’m living peaceably with others.

6) Don’t act like forgiveness is owed.

You can’t see this point in my actual words, but rather in the omission of words. Fortunately, Tessa immediately agreed to forgive me. We hugged and moved on in our relationship. But what if she hadn’t forgiven me? What if she had said, “Dad, if this were the first time, I would forgive you. But this is the 100th time that I can recall. I’m just not ready to forgive you right now. Maybe later.” How should I respond?

This is a tough one for Christians because we immediately want to bring out Luke 17:3-4. “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in a day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” When we’ve done wrong and the other person is not forgiving us, we like to hammer him/her with this passage. But think through this for a moment.

If I’m asking Tessa for forgiveness, I’m asking for mercy. I’m asking for something I haven’t earned. Something that by definition she is not obligated by our relationship to give me. The problem is we Christians are often like little children and the word “Please.” When trying to teach my children manners and how to use the word “please,” we always hit a phase in which the child thinks that because they said “please” they are owed what they asked for. We tend to think that because we said, “I’m sorry; will you please forgive me,” the other person owes it to us and we start bludgeon them with the Bible when they are reluctant.

Here’s the problem. Should Tessa forgive me? Absolutely. But not because of me. She doesn’t owe me. She owes God. If she refused to forgive me, is that a problem. Absolutely. But that is between her and God, not between her and me. Should someone hold her accountable to God’s standard of forgiveness. Absolutely. But that is not my place. If I act like I’m owed this forgiveness I’m asking for, then I’m not actually asking for forgiveness am I. Forgiveness, by definition, is something not owed to me. 

If Tessa had trouble forgiving me, instead of holding Luke 17:3-4 over her head, I need to apologize again for setting a stumbling block before her. I sinned against her so badly that she is finding it hard to submit to God’s will. Far from acting like the truly spiritual one, I need to humbly make reconciliation for that further sin on my part.

I really hate to share this huge flub on my part. I’d rather get to come off as one of those guys who has done it all right and if you would just be like me you could do it all right too. Regrettably, that is just not the role God is letting me play. Instead, I hope you can learn from my school of hard knocks so you don’t have to go through them.

Hey guys,

I’m with my granddad today. I was able to put up a post at Give Attention to Reading, but I want to spend the rest of my time today with Granddad instead of in front of this computer screen. So, I’m not taking the time to put up a new post today.

However, I would like to ask you to pray for my Granddad. He has been diagnosed with lung cancer and is now taking chemo. Last week he was informed that the cancer had shrunk about 70-80%. However, the chemo is really beating him down. He’s had two very tough days.

Thanks for your prayers. Have a good week.

Yesterday, my cousin rebuked me for my blog posts asking, “How come your blog posts are never titled, ‘I have the most amazing wife…’”? She added later, “…and cousin.”

I Have the Most Amazing Wife

The fact is, I do have the most amazing wife. She has put up with me for over 14 years. She works day in and day out raising my children (don’t worry all you women’s libbers, I do my part of that too. She just spends all day with them). That includes schooling them, training them, mediating fights for them, feeding them, disciplining them, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. She cooks. She cleans. She manages. She shows hospitality. Did I mention she puts up with me? She is patient with me (most of the time). She forgives me. She moderates me. She humbles me. 

The list could go on and on.

The thing is, I don’t tell her these things enough. Sure, they make their way into a birthday, anniversary, or Christmas card. Maybe a Valentine’s and Mother’s day card. But those don’t have the same impact. I’m supposed to say that stuff on those days. I need to let her know that is how I feel about her all the time. 

The Springboard for Your Family

Today’s springboard is not for you to know that I have a wonderful wife. Rather, you need to look at the folks in your family and let them know how amazing you think they are. Whether wife, husband, children, parents, or extended family, don’t just wait for special days to let them know you think they are amazing. Tell them today.

Do so without expectations. Don’t do it fishing for a compliment. Don’t do it hoping you’ll get “benefits.” Don’t do it because you want something. Just tell them because you really love them and want them to know. And then don’t wait very long before you tell them again.

Have a great week with your family.

P.S.

I guess I have a pretty decent cousin too.

The Background

I had an amazing talk with Ethan a few weeks ago while he was still eight years old. No, it was not THE TALK. It was rather one of many talks that we have had and hopefully will continue to have over the years to come. Let me give you some background.

The fact of the matter is while I can technically say I was a virgin when I got married, I messed up a lot with sexuality throughout high school and college. I have experiences I truly regret that continue to have an emotional and spiritual impact even now. I don’t want my children to go through that. So, in order to keep them from making sexual mistakes I had a plan. I would hide everything about sex I possibly could from them and then scare the living daylights out of them about the rest. Then it occurred to me. That was my dad’s sex education plan. I only remember one talk with him ever. He warned me before I left for college that some girl would find out I wanted to be pure and she would set her sights on me and try to “conquer” me. Sadly, I was 17 and my hormones were raging and while the spiritual side of me was saying, “Oh, how awful,” the other side of me was saying, “I sure hope so.” In that little bit of self-admission can you see the problem with the “hide and scare” sex education plan? 

Hiding it only produces curiosity. The fear only produces rebellion. That is what it produced in me and I realized it would produce that in my kids. Sadly, I was curious about sexuality but I was afraid to talk to my parents about it and learn from them. So, I learned about sex at school (and I don’t mean from health class), work and from pornography-whether it was the locker room brag sessions, the clandestine centerfold passed around under the teacher’s nose, the stories of the sexually active girls and guys I worked with or the video one of the guys on my dorm floor rented and showed in his room. 

Let me ask you, is that how you want your kids to learn about sex? Trust me. if you purposefully or even unconsciously take the “hide and scare” method, that is exactly where your kids will learn about it. Gone are the days where we can hide sex from our kids and they make it to marriage and just learn for themselves (even if you are a homeschooler). The fact is, if you don’t take the upper hand on this one and inoculate your kids with healthy teaching and exposure to sexuality you better know that Satan will get it into their little hands somehow. I know about one child who was told how to unlock some easter egg of pornographic pictures on a video game by another kid in his bible class. If you want to know how really bad it can get, I know of a story of a teenage girl who met with her youth minister to ask a question about oral sex. She had a rep among the boys in the youth group as being pretty good at it but was starting to have second thoughts about whether it was right. What a rude awakening for the youth minister. 

Do you get the point? Dads, Moms start thinking about how you are going to talk to your kids. Go a step further. Start talking to them about it.

The Talk

So back to my conversation with Ethan.

Ethan has started Cub Scouts again. One of the very first things we have to go through is “safety” training in which I read to Ethan some safety rules about strangers and such. Included in that was the rule that his body is his body and he doesn’t have to let anyone do anything to his body that makes him feel uncomfortable. As part of that process, we went through some scenarios and he was to respond how he could act. For instance, if a man pulls up while he is playing in the yard and says, “Hey pal, can you come help me find my dog?” Ethan knows to say, “No. But I’ll get my Dad and he can help you.” 

Another scenario was what should he do if someone offers to show him pictures of naked people. WOW! Didn’t expect that from the Cub Scouts, but kudos to them for putting it in there. Now, the old me didn’t want Ethan to know that it was even possible to see pictures of naked people anywhere. What was I going to do with this? I could just skip it. But I didn’t. I went ahead and asked him. Of course, he gave the right answer. “I’d tell them no and come home.”

What would I do next? I could have said, “Great answer, Son,” and moved on to the scenario about the missing dog. Instead, I probed a little. I didn’t tape the conversation, so this isn’t word for word, but it went something like this:

“I bet that would be hard to say no to. I mean, bet you’re a little curious what a naked woman looks like aren’t you.”

“Yes sir,” he responded.

“What do you think you should do even though you are really curious?” I asked.

“I should still say no.”

“That’s right. You know what. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being curious about what a naked woman looks like. God made us to grow up and be sexual people and curiosity is part of that. But did you know that God has a plan through which we can learn all about our curiosities about women?”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. He has given us marriage. When you get married, you’ll be able to see the woman you marry naked and learn all about it and learn to enjoy it. And if you wait until then to pursue your curiosity it will be a great thing.”

I continued, “Let me ask you, Ethan. Has anyone ever tried to show you a picture of ***** *****?”

I inwardly sighed with relief when he said, “No sir.”

“Very good. I have to tell you when I was your age, I was out playing baseball with some guys and one guy brought a picture of a naked woman and I was really curious…”

Ethan interrupted, “But you said no way, I’m not looking, didn’t you.”

“I wish I had said that. Sadly, I didn’t. I looked. And you know what. It didn’t take my curiosity away. It just made it stronger and made it harder for me to say no when I was older. It taught me all kinds of wrong things about women and sex. It even has caused problems for me up to today with your mom. That’s why I’m telling you about this. Because I want to protect you from that kind of harm.”

I went on, “Because I’ve done some wrong things, I want to do everything in my power to help you avoid those wrong things because I know how harmful they are. I so want you to be be pure as you grow older. However, I also want you to know that if you make a mistake like I did, you can come talk to me about it. I know that I will be sad for you. But I remember when I made mistakes, I was very upset at me and I needed to talk to someone but I didn’t feel like I could because I knew I would just get in trouble. I want you to know if you make a mistake, I won’t be happy about it, but you can talk to me about it and I will still love you. I’ll be there to help you get over it and get past it. Do you think you can do that?”

“Yes sir. How much longer do we have to do this?”

I cut him loose at that point.

The Keys

Key points I hope you got out of that conversation.

1) Talk about sex as if it is completely natural. I want my kids to know talking to me and their mom about sex is the most natural place to talk about it.

2) Affirm that curiosity about sexuality is natural. My son is not a freak or a pervert because he is curious about ***** *****. Neither is yours. And let me assure you if your son is getting close to 10 he is curious about ***** *****. I’m just glad that my son felt safe enough to be honest with me about it.

3) Express God’s plan for pursuing our curiosity in a positive light. Too many parents spend so much time being negative about sex when they talk about it that kids grow up afraid of sex even in marriage.

4) Non-judgmentally discuss what experiences they have had or might have had. If, God forbid, someone ever does show my son a picture of a naked woman, I want him to feel comfortable telling me about it so I can help him work through the feelings of excitement, guilt, curiosity and shame it will produce.

5) Share your own mistakes and their consequences. I used to be afraid doing this would provide tacit permission for my kids to make the same mistakes. I imagine in some few cases that will happen. However, now I realize it actually produces two positive results. First, it helps them feel comfortable talking with me if they make a mistake. They know I’ve made mistakes and so I won’t simply be sitting in judgment over them. Second, it lets them know in a non-threatening way how negative improper sexual conduct is and how it will impact their lives. In other words, it provides them with honesty where as the kids at school and the pornographers either have no idea what sexual acting out does or they ignore it and just lie to them.

6) Assure your children they can talk to you even about their mistakes and you will still love them. Again, I want my kids to know they can talk to me. If my son or daughter ends up going “too far” on a date, I don’t want them hiding that on the inside. Such isolation will only breed shame that will likely drive them to act out further the next time. Talking to me may provide the relief and forgiveness and education that helps them overcome and not commit the same mistake twice.

There is no foolproof plan for this. I don’t think there is a set way to teach about sex that will absolutely assure your children will never make a mistake. But I think this approach is better than the “hide and scare” tactic I was placing so much stock in before. I offer it to you for what it’s worth.

As I close, let me share with you the book that has helped me out the most on this topic. I encourage you to get it and read it. It helps lay out a plan for age appropriate sexual education beginning with infancy on through the early adult years. It is Mark Laaser’s Talking to Your Kids About Sex: How to Have a Lifetime of Age-Appropriate Conversations with Your Children About Healthy Sexuality.