I’m glad I’m reading The Secret of Staying in Love* by John Powell. These are lessons I need to grasp. Even though he doesn’t reference Bible verses, I believe his point is biblical. This is an excerpt from his chapter “Human Needs and the Experience of Love” about unconditional love. This is the kind of love we need to develop for spouses, children, and parents.

thesis three: effective love is unconditional

Love may be given either conditionally or unconditionally. There is no other possibility. Either I attach conditions to my love or I do not. I would like to say at this point that only unconditional love can effect change in the life of the person to whom that love is offered.

In his work, Conceptions of Modern Psychiatry, from which we took our working definition of love, Dr. Sullivan talks of the “quiet miracle of developing the capacity of love.” He describes being loved as the source of this miracle. The first impulse to change, he says, comes not so much from being challenged as from being loved. Only in an atmosphere of unconditionally offered love will the human barriers to relationships be lowered.

There is a story of a housewife who related that her husband’s love seemed to be conditioned on her keeping the house tidy and in order at all times. She maintained that she needed to know that he loved her whether the house was cleaned up or not, in order to have the strength to keep the house clean. If you understand and agree with what she is saying, you understand the point being made here. The only kind of love that helps us change and grow is unconditional.

Conditional love always degenerates into pan-scale love. Both parties are expected, in pan-scale love, to put a donation into the proper pan so that a perfect balance is achieved. But sooner or later some tension, some pain, some struggle will distract one of the pan-scale lovers, and he will not make his monthly payment on time. So conditional lover #2, refusing to be swindled, removes part of his contribution in order to be sure that more isn’t going out than coming in–until nothing is left but emotional or legal divorce.

There is another question, and it is not so simple. Can we expect one party in a love relationship to continue making an unconditional contribution and commitment of love without a sustaining response from the other? Theoretically, I believe that if a person could continue offering an unconditional love, the other would in time respond. But perhaps it would be too late. If the person trying to offer unconditional love is given nothing in response, to nourish his own capacity and renew his strength for love, the relationship may be brought to an inevitable failure.

In practice I think this possibility is claimed far more than it actually occurs. People renege on their love commitments, run off to divorce courts, and take to falling in love all over again (with somebody else), without ever challenging their personal resources, developing their ingenuity, or testing their coping mechanism. It has been said that love works if we will work at it. I think that this is true, and I think that fidelity will always be the measure and test of human love.

Footnote: “Unconditional love” should be interpreted as an ideal, a goal towards which true love aspires, but which is realistically not within human reach or attainment. We are all to some extent injured, limited by the throb of our own needs and pains. Only a totally unscarred and free person could consistently give unconditional love. Such a person, of course, does not exist.

*Yes, that was an affiliate link. By now, you probably assumed that. Here is another one to make it easier for you to buy a copy of Powell’s book.

Have you ever read or heard something that was so subtly profound that it was almost as if you heard an audible click somewhere in your mind as a puzzle piece locked into place. Perhaps it makes something fit about life, about a relationship, or maybe just about yourself and something you’ve been struggling with.

This happened to me yesterday. I’m reading John Powell’s The Secret of Staying in Love* and absolutely loving it (I think he is becoming my new favorite author). While discussing how people can sometimes have a negative reaction to hearing someone else complimented he asked a question about himself:

“Why have I become such a jealous guardian of his humility?”

Someone is rejoicing over a victory, but I don’t want to rejoice with them because I’d hate for it to go to his head. In fact, I want to kick him when he is down because I want to make sure how much work he still has to do. He/she needs to know just how pitiful they are and I’d hate to think they were something more than what they are. I have to make sure that they hear from me exactly what I think they are capable or incapable of. Again, when did I become such a jealous guardian of their humility? When did that become my job?

Do I do this with my wife and kids? Do I see myself as the jealous guardian of the humility of my family? Do I see myself as the lone voice of wisdom that God has placed on this earth and in this family to make sure everyone knows their place? And of course, their place is somewhere subservient to me.

Oh, I’m not suggesting that I should never offer any critical advice. I’m simply suggesting I need to check my motives. Why am I so intent on making sure someone else’s head doesn’t get too big? When did that become my job? Isn’t my job as a husband to love and cherish my wife? Isn’t it to edify her and lift her up? Isn’t it to help her see what is best about her and what is glorious? Isn’t my job as a father to bring my children up to maturity, not keep them down? Isn’t my job to help them discover what their inate gifts and abilities are, providing them the encouragement and resources to pursue those things?

If my family is like me, there will be plenty of scenarios in life to help them stay humble. In fact, I’m pretty sure if humility is the thing they need to help them glorify and serve God, God is pretty good at allowing thorns in the flesh to make sure that happens.

And so again, I have to ask why I have become such a jealous guardian of their humility? Maybe the issue isn’t with my family. Maybe it is with me. Maybe I need to spend some time looking at what is going on in me to find out why their victories, rejoicing, successes, compliments cause me such inner turmoil. Perhaps I need to spend some time getting humble before God and figuring out what fears and insecurities are crippling my relationships with others.

I need to quit being the jealous guardian of others’ humility and instead be the victorious champion of their joy and well-being.

Remember, Gods’ way works for our families.

PS. I want to share a victory. I played The Settlers of Catan* with some friends. On my next turn, I was going to win the game. The friend who played just before me won and won because I wasn’t paying attention and let a trade happen that gave her the game. In time past, I would have been livid. I would have been livid at me for being so stupid as to make the mistake and definitely livid at her for taking the game from me. Instead, I was just happy to have gotten to play the game with some new friends. That may seem small to you, but you can ask my family, that is huge. It was a little sign in my book that says God really is working on me. It was a sign that reminded me God’s way really does work. Have a great week and play some games with your family.

* Yes, these were affiliate links. Trust me, you want to click on them and buy something. John Powell’s books are easy reads and truly profound and there just isn’t a game that is much more fun than Settlers of Catan. Here, I’ll give you another opportunity.

I hope when my kids are grown, I’ll have loved them in such a way that they’ll come to me for advice. Check out the video.

Thanks to Jason Hardin for sending this one my way. I can’t help but throw it up for this family post.

I hate to say it but it is me in far too many ways, especially the guy who throws out his back.

Enjoy!

Many of you know I run a Bible reading blog as well (giveattentiontoreading.com). Today’s reading really hit me with the example of Jesus having compassion on the crowds even when He was mourning for the loss of His cousin, John. At the other blog, I just talked about taking time for others in general.

However, what was really on my mind was my kids. Sadly, all too often I get so caught up in me that I simply don’t have time for my kids. We bought Backyard Ballistics, The Art of the Catapult, and even How to Build Treehouses, Huts and Forts, but have I done anything with them out of any of them? No. (Oh, by the way, in the interest of fairness in advertising and because the law requires that I tell you, those really are affiliate links. Click on them. Buy them. Most importantly use them with your kids.)

We allow each of our children to be involved in one sport at a time. But when its game or practice time, I’m usually irritated for the interruption in my schedule. Marita often asks me to be involved in more of their homeschooling activities and I often come up with a really good excuse to put her off. 

I could go on and on with good examples of how selfish I can be as a father, but I’m feeling enough shame and guilt as it is. The sad thing is if I’m not careful I can get so caught up in all my good work that I simply can’t be bothered by my kids and that is what they become to me–a bother. 

Oh sure, there are times when I really do have very important things that need to be done and I simply cannot do something with my kids at those times. Further, there are times when I need to direct them in their own activities and they don’t have time to do something with me. However, I have to remember that one of the most important jobs God has given me is the stewarding of these four blessings. I can’t raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord if I find an excuse to avoid most of our time together because it doesn’t fit on my grand schedule for my plans. 

I’m trying to remember that there will be plenty of years down the line when they are no longer in my home and I’ll no longer have the opportunity to be bothered by them. I need to make the most of those opportunities right now.

Have a great day and spend some time with your kids.

__________

Check out the books I mentioned, they really are great.

My default response to the kids is, “No.” I hear the words, “Dad, can I…” and my tongue starts tipping against the roof of my mouth automatically. “No.” I can say it sympathetically. I can say it resoundingly. I can say it firmly. I can say it at the top of my voice. I can say it in a whisper. I’m pretty good at saying, “No.” Why? Because “No” doesn’t take any thought.

Can you go over to so-and-so’s house today? I don’t want to think about it; No. Can you have this or that? I don’t want to put brain power to that; No. Can you try something or experiment with the other thing? I’m not wasting any precious thinking time on that; No.

I learned something last week. Yes is better. Oh, don’t get me wrong. No is necessary. But it doesn’t have to be the default. By default I mean, I normally have a ready made “No” and have to be convinced of a good reason to say, “Yes.” Perhaps the better approach is let the default be “Yes” and force myself to have a good reason before saying, “No.”

Last week, or maybe it was the week before, we were burning limbs at my house. Tessa had a brilliant idea. She had always wanted to hold a real life torch. She decided to grab an old sock, wrap it around the end of a stick and put it in the fire. Now that would have to be some amazing fun. But, there I was, my practiced response at the ready. I could see where this was going as soon as the sock came out, “No.” “But dad, this is an old sock that doesn’t fit me.” “NO.” “Dad, I have money to buy new socks.” “NO!”

I know, I know. Some of you are saying, “Why did you even let her argue? You said, ‘No.’ She should have said, ‘Yes, sir,’ and been done with it.” I’m sure there is some truth to that. However, when you’ve learned that the answer will always be “no” unless you give some good reasons, you get pretty practiced at firing off some good reasons while you have a chance. I think I might have a better chance of getting her to quit arguing with me if she learns that I’m a yes guy unless there is a good reason to say, “No.” If the default is always “No,” I’m guessing the rebellion will always simmer beneath the surface.

Back to my story. After saying, “No,” it hit me. Really? Why “No”? I’ve always thought it might be kind of cool to have a torch too. I’ve never gotten to hold one. I’ve only seen them in the movies. It is just a sock. We’re talking a few dollars to have an experience. How many of you have actually created your own torch? I don’t mean just putting a stick in the fire, I mean a real, honest to goodness torch that light’s up the night like a flashlight. The kind they use on Lost.

I backed up and said, “You know what, Tessa. Let’s make a torch.” Then I was in on the fun. I took some lighter fluid and completely soaked the sock. We stuck it in the flame and we had a torch. Tessa was excited. All the kids were chomping at the bit, “I want to hold it. I want to hold it.” I got to hold it too. We learned something. Torches that seem to last for hours in the movies would leave you lost in the dark in real life (unless they have some other kind of fluid to burn that lasts longer). Our torch only lasted about five minutes. But it sure was fun. The next night when we were burning another group of limbs, I was at the ready for a torch for each child. What a blast. The neighborhood kids got a kick out of it too.

The lesson for me in all of this was that “No” doesn’t have to be the default. Maybe “Yes” could start being the default. Maybe my first thought should be, “Yeah, that sounds like fun.” Then I have to think it through and see if there is a real reason to say “No.” To be sure, there will be plenty of reasons to say “No.” Something might be too dangerous, too costly, not enough time, not the right time, too mature, too immature, too hurtful, or just plain against the rules.  There will be plenty of time to say, “No.” If my kids ask to play dodge brick, I can say “No.” If they want to hang on to the hood of the car while we drive down the interstate, I’ll probably say, “No” (although that one is kind of tempting). If they want me to spend more money that we can budget on a television or some other gadget,  I can say, “No.” But it doesn’t have to be the default just because I’m too lazy to think up a reason not to do it.

I’m going to try this new approach and see how it works. My default is going to be, “Yes,” and I’ll have to think up a reason to say, “No,” instead of the other way around. Why don’t you try this for a while and see what it does for your family?

I recently read a very interesting book that provided an intriguing look at growing up, maturing (wait for it…wait for it… yes, here it is, an associate link: The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you). In the past few Mondays, as we looked at God’s way for our individual lives, I’ve been sharing some of what I learned from this book. I’ve already looked at the infant stage, the child stage, the adult stage and the parent stage of maturity. Today, let’s look at the elder stage (beginning when the youngest child has become an adult).

The Elder Stage

While we always continue to mature, this is the highest level of maturity shared by the authors of The Life Model. We need to remember that just because someone’s children have become adults, doesn’t mean they automatically enter this elder stage of maturity. Sadly, some may have biologically raised children to adulthood but still be children themselves. This is simply the authors’ marker for when this stage can begin. 

True elders are comfortable in their own skin. They act like themselves in the midst of difficulty. They don’t check the winds of change, putting their finger to the air, to see how they need to act and react. They have become comfortable with who God has made them to be, with their actions, their reactions, their responses. They are also comfortable helping their community grow based on its God-given identity, not trying to force on the community what the elder wants it to be. They see the value and potential in all others, helping them accomplish their reach their potential and goals. Elders are able to look past the flaws and facades of others to see what God has designed them to be. 

Elders do not simply parent their own children, they work to parent the community. “They can handle criticism and rejection, speak the truth even when it is not easy or popular, serve without being appreciated, encourage needed growth and change, delight in younger people’s skill and power, and place what is best for the community over personal fairness and preference” (p. 23).

Finally, true elders recognize that those with struggling biological families need a spiritual family. They need a spiritual family to help them heal, grow, and thrive. These elders are willing to give the nurture and care needed in these situations treating these “spiritual adoptees” with the same care they would their own biological children.

Maturity Tasks of the Elder

According to the authors, there are four tasks for the elders to accomplish as they continue to grow within the community.

1. Elders establish an accurate community identity and act like themselves in the midst of difficulty.
2. Elders prize each community member, and enjoy the true self in each individual.
3. Elders parent and mature the community.
4. Elders give life to those without a family through spiritual adoption (p. 33).

The elders accomplish these tasks as the community responds in the following ways, respectively.

1. The community recognizes elders within the community.
2. The community provides opportunities for elders to be involved with those in all of the other maturity stages.
3. The community creates a structure to help the elders do their job, which allows people at every stage of maturity to interact properly with those in other stages, and listen to the wisdom of maturity.
4. The community places a high value on being a spiritual family to those with no family (p. 33).

When Elders Fail

If elders fail to accomplish these maturity tasks, the community suffers. There is disorder. There is meaninglessness. There is lack of direction for the community. The community will begin to disintegrate at every level. When elders fail to prize and value each member of the community, life-giving interactions diminish. At-risk, hurting, and struggling people fail to heal and survive. Interdependence within the community is stunted, and thus, the community’s growth is stunted. When true elders don’t lead, parenting the community properly, unqualified people do, resulting in immaturity across the community. When true elders do not parent and adopt those whose biological families are not sufficient, poverty, violence, crisis, crime, and mental disorders increase. Obviously, when those whose biological parents aren’t bringing them to maturity have no one who mentors them, they simply won’t mature. 

Seeing the sad prospect of a community without qualified and true elders helps us understand the sad statement made by the authors: “Sadly, most in our culture never make it to this level of maturity. This is unfortunate because the success of any country, community, school or church body will have a direct correlation to the presence of true elders who are guiding and advising” (p. 23). In other words, when elders fail to fulfill their tasks, the community fails to grow to maturity as a whole. 

The Spiritual Application

I think the spiritual application at this level is abundantly clear. Churches need elders. Without true and qualified elders, churches cannot mature and grow. Without men who will parent and grow the brethren within the congregation, the congregation will be stunted. Look at churches across the nation. What is the real problem going on within so many? Do they not have elders because they are small? Or are they small because they don’t have true elders? 

I can’t help but think of Ezekiel 34:2-10. God was bringing judgment upon Judah because her shepherds weren’t shepherding. The flock had disintegrated and was scattered across the mountains. This was written within the context of the Babylonian captivity. Babylon was destroying Judah and it was because there weren’t true elders guiding that nation. I find Ezekiel 34:10 very interesting. God was delivering Judah up to captivity, but He called it a deliverance from these awful shepherds who had dealt so poorly with Judah.

God has given qualifications for elders within His communities (I Timothy 3:1-7; Titus 1:5-9). Without getting in depth with these qualifications, I think we can all see that the essence of these lists says God wants mature Christians to be elders within His churches. If we want more true shepherds in our congregations, then more of us have to work on spiritual maturity. We have to start by first being disciples, surrendering our lives to God. We have to begin with personal growth. If no one matures, then there will be no elders and eventually there will be no churches. Oh, sure there will be groups that call themselves churches, but they will not be what God wants. Eventually, as He did with the seven churches of Asia, He will judge the churches and remove their lampstand. 

Concluding the Series

I spoke with one friend who said he was reading this series, but then got depressed and had to quit. I can completely understand that. As I read The Life Model, I became quite discouraged. As I’ve thought more about maturing, I see more clearly how far I have to grow. That can seem overwhelming. However, I’ve begun to emotionally grasp another concept that is helping me. Time is not my enemy. Time is my friend. I don’t have to be at the elder level of maturity by the weekend. I just need to grow some more between now and then. I can grow a little today. Then tomorrow, I’ll grow a little more. And the next day. And the next. In God’s good time, if I continue to grow in Him, He’ll mature me. 

Let’s keep growing together.

This week, I have to offer an apology. I guess I thought my 10-year-old son wouldn’t get around to reading my blog ever and so last week wasn’t too worried about using our great moment as an example. I’m still thankful for the example we got to share, but I apparently embarrassed my son. I don’t ever want to do that. 

So, I encourage you to learn from my mistake and be really, really careful when you use your family as an example. The best bet is to get permission first.

Anyway, to Ethan:

Thank you for reading my blog.

Thank you for being willing to share your emotions with me.

I’m sorry for embarrassing you. I hope you can forgive me.

I recently read a very interesting book that provided an intriguing look at growing up, maturing (wait for it…wait for it… yes, here it is, an associate link: The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you). In the past few Mondays, as we looked at God’s way for our individual lives, I’ve been sharing some of what I learned from this book. I’ve already looked at the infant stage, the child stage and the adult stage of maturity. Today, let’s look at the parent stage (birth of 1st child until youngest child is an adult).

The Parent Stage

This is where I begin to really get a bit worried about me. The Life Model begins this section by saying, “Biologically being a parent does not automatically put you at the parent stage of maturity. In fact, many parents are not at this level. You know that you are at the parent stage, however, when you can sacrificially care for your children without resenting the sacrifice or expecting to receive anything for your efforts. You may feel exhausted or overwhelmed at times, but you still will be able to appreciate, not begrudge, your sacrifice” (p. 22).

This presents a problem for many in our society. We often have an entitlement mindset. We are entitled to our fun, our recreation, our plans, our goals. Having children shouldn’t get in the way of any of that. This becomes even more apparent since more and more people are becoming parents biologically because they thought they were entitled to the pleasures of sex without being impacted by its natural consequences. Too many of us parents think we are entitled to keep doing everything we were doing when we were simply independent adults (biologically) and should never be asked to sacrifice anything, neither time, money, effort, recreation, social activities, or goals.

Having said all of that, I love these two sentences in the book: “Parenting does involve sacrifice, but it is not about giving up who you are. It is about becoming who you are!” (p. 22).

4 Tasks for Parents

There are four tasks parents must learn to accomplish if they will grow to the elder stage of maturity.

1. Parents must learn to protect, serve, and enjoy their families.
2. Parents must learn to take care of their children without expecting to be taken care of by the children in return.
3. Parents must learn to allow and provide spiritual parents and siblings for their children.
4. Parents must learn how to bring their children through difficult times and return them to joy from other emotions (p. 32).

Maturing parents will quickly learn that accomplishing these tasks requires support from a community and guidance from other parents who have already matured and walked this path ahead of us. We alone cannot provide all that our children will need as they mature into adults. If we are wise we will bring other people into our children’s lives to help as spiritual parents and siblings. We’ll rely on shepherds in the church. We’ll rely on other mature safe parents. We’ll rely on extended family. We’ll rely on others who can, along with us, help our children mature and grow. 

The essence of parenting is striving to represent God to our families. We need to learn to act as God acts. Love as God loves. Teach as God teaches. Discipline as God disciplines. Help as God helps. When we can accomplish this, we are ready to move into the final stage of maturity.

We accomplish these tasks as the community and extended family provide the following four supports:

1. The community gives both parents the opportunity to sacrificially contribute to their family.
2. The community promotes devoted parenting.
3. The community encourages relationships between children and extended spiritual family members.
4. The community supports parent by giving them encouragement, guidance, breaks, and opportunities to recharge (p. 32).

When Parents Don’t Mature

When parents don’t mature to protect, serve, enjoy their families, the family members are at risk, deprived, and feel worthless or unimportant. Further, this lack of care for the children often calls on the children to care for the parents. Some call this parentifying the children. Sadly, we commonly see these parentified children as mature beyond their years. However, in the long run it usually stunts their emotional maturity. It is a form of emotional abuse. Of course, it make maturity really difficult to accomplish because this troubled person is pretty sure they are mature and will hardly listen to any ideas to the contrary.

When parents won’t bring in trusted members of the community to help mature and develop their children, the children can become vulnerable to peer pressure, cults, and misfortune. Further, the parents themselves can get completely overwhelmed. It is not more mature to try to parent our children completely on our own. Both parents and children need to the support of the community around us. Further, if we don’t learn to bring our children back to joy, they can get lost in their sadness, depressed and despairing. The family units begin to disintegrate because there is no joy and peace to connect them with each other.

The Spiritual Application

Think about our church community. Are we providing what our parents need to mature themselves and help their children mature. I can’t help but think that the community that makes up the church is rarely trying to accomplish this. Instead, the community is relying on the organization of the church to do this. It is not really Christians helping Christians but a church organized plan. There may be mother’s day out programs, there may be extensive youth groups, there may be sermons preached, but are the members of the community really reaching out to have these interactive relationships with each other and provide the community that is really needed to help us all mature. It seems to me that the quick and easy solution so many churches are looking to is only carrying on the problem. Like the parentified child, we can hardly see how we are not really accomplishing the maturity that we want. 

We don’t need church organized programs to accomplish this. What we need is Christians getting involved with each other. We need mature parents taking maturing parents under their wings. We need elders setting the example. We need shepherds guiding the sheep in the flock, not merely administering the business of the fold. We need personal sacrifice of time, money, effort, etc. Look at the community of the very first church in Acts 2-6. These people sacrificed for each other. They cared for each other. They didn’t establish church programs, youth groups, mothers-day-outs, nursery schools. The members took care of each other. 

We need parents to be humble and lean on God by leaning on the brethren God has given them. We need children to not simply be age-segregated off into groups of age-based peers. We need the older to teach the younger. We need to introduce our children to questioning, learning, and mentoring by other mature Christians. Perhaps we need the same thing. 

Of course, if we’re still not even at the adult level of maturity, we need to back up and grow or we’ll never be able to parent. Let’s be honest with ourselves about this growth and become responsible for our maturity.

Make sure you come back next week for the final installment of this look at maturity as presented in The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you

Last night was an all-time high for me. I was faced with a choice and I think I made the right one. We attempted to go to the movies on Valentines day. It was absolutely packed. We left. So, yesterday I told the boys I would take them to the movies, just them and Dad. It was going to be great. That is, until we got in the car and started to head north to Franklin and discovered the snow had started to stick and was making the roads very slippery. It was coming down torrentially (can snow come in torrents or is that just rain). I was sure it would be much worse in three hours when it came time to come home. So we just made the loop and went back home.

Ethan, who really wanted to see this movie, having already read the book, was crushed. Two days in a row of getting his hopes up and then getting them dashed at the last possible moment was just more than his ten-year-old psyche could handle. He started crying.

Now, my selfish, hardnosed self wanted to say, “Buck up. Don’t you realize this is small potatoes? Don’t you understand that we’ll see the movie later? Quit crying.” But God must have been doing for me what I can’t do for myself. In that moment, I remembered Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” It doesn’t say tell the weeping that what upsets them is unimportant. It doesn’t say simply try to cheer them up. It doesn’t say discount why they are weeping. It doesn’t say tell them to stop weeping or tell them to buck up. It says weep with those who weep. With that verse in mind I tried to understand what it must be like to have your heart set on something and two days in a row have it come crashing down. It may not be a big deal to me, but it is to him. I tried to think of some scenario in which I would be just as disappointed and sad. I can think of the time I was going to get to see all my friends from Beaumont after doing some preaching in Houston but a hurricane came through and we were all fleeing for our lives. I was extremely sad. I remember being crushed. It was nobody’s fault, that’s just the way it was, but I was so upset about it.

When we got home, I took Ethan to my room, sat in the lazyboy we have up there, and just held him as he cried. I’m very glad that my son feels safe enough with me to let his emotions show. I’m very glad that he was willing to let me hold him and console him. We were able to talk about how life is just disappointing sometimes and its okay to be sad. He then wanted to go see his mom and I let him.

That was a victory for me. I hope the next time one of my children cry, I can have the same Romans 12:15 mindset.