The following video is allegedly the answering machine for a school in Australia. I’m pretty sure that is not true. However, I think the point about personal responsibility is great.

I will admit that I’m not quite as harsh about the different languages point at the end, but we’ll overlook that to have fun with the rest of the message.

Enjoy!

I recently read a very interesting book that provided an intriguing look at growing up, maturing (wait for it…wait for it… yes, here it is, an associate link: The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you). I’ve already looked at the infant stage and the child stage of maturity, today, we want to look at the adult stage (ages 13-birth of the first child).

The Adult Stage (13 to birth of first child)

The infant staged was marked by complete neediness. The infant neither knows what it needs or how to express its needs. Someone else has to provide for the baby’s needs. The infant moves into the childhood stage as he learns to take care of himself. The child learns how to express needs, wants and feelings. However, the only person the child is capable of caring for is self. “You will know when a person has graduated from the child level of maturity to the adult level because he will shift from a being a self-centered child to a both-centered adult. While a child needs to learn me-centered fairness (how do I make it fair for me), an adult learns we-centered fairness (how do I make it fair for us)” (pp. 21-22). If it seems that in any given relationship you have to give more, listen more, tolerate more to maintain the relationship then the other person is likely still in the child stage. By the same token, if  you spend most of your relationships complaining about how everyone else doesn’t seem to give you what you need, perhaps you are seeing a need to work on maturity in your own life. That is especially the case if you are complaining about your kids not giving enough. Sadly, in too many cases we have children in adult bodies, expecting adults in children’s bodies to provide their needs for them. That is dysfunction at its height. Yet, many of us are blinded to it because of our own immaturity.

There are 6 personal tasks each person must accomplish in the adult stage of maturity to move on to the next level:

1. The adult learns to care for self and others simultaneously in mutually satisfying relationships.
2. The adult learns to remain stable in difficult situations, and learns how to return self and others to joy.
3. The adult learns to bond with peers and develops a group identity.
4. The adult learns to take responsibility for how personal actions affect others, including protecting others from self.
5. The adult learns to contribute to the community; learns how to articulate “who we are” as part of belonging to the community.
6. The adult learns to express the characteristics of his or hear heart in a deepening personal style (p. 31).

The adult accomplishes these tasks as his or her family and community accomplishes the following tasks respectively:

1. The family and community provides opportunities for the adult to participate in group life.
2. The family and community affirms that the adult will make it through difficult times.
3. The family and community provides positive environment where peers can bond.
4. The family and community teaches adults that their behaviors impact others and impact history.
5. The family and community provides opportunities to be involved in important community tasks.
6. The family and community holds the adult accountable while still accepting and affirming the aspects of his or her true self (p. 31).

As you can see, adulthood is the time when we learn how to relate well to others. Adulthood is when we learn how to care for others as well as ourselves. As infants, we were dependent. As children, we learn independence. As adults, we learn interdependence. 

As a community or a family, we must learn to provide the opportunities for the adult to practice interdependence. I think this is a struggle for most North American communities because we prize independence so much. We think we are promoting maturity, when actually we are locking people into immaturity.

Stuck in Adulthood

If we do not learn these lessons of maturity, there are some pretty significant dysfunctions that develop in our lives. If we cannot accomplish the task of caring for others along with self, we remain self-centered. Other people will always be dissatisfied with us, they will be frustrated with us. Our relationships will never deepen. We’ll never be able to have truly mutually deep relationships. What an impact not learning these lessons will have in marriage. Do you think perhaps this is the reason the divorce rate is so high these days?

If we never learn to hang on to stability and return to joy despite what we face, we’ll learn instead to conform to peer pressures. We’ll rely on negative and destructive group activities. Is it any wonder that gangs become popular for young adults. They aren’t learning to have personal stability or to find stability from God, so they get involved in groups that seem to provide some kind of stability and identity. Of course, the other potential problem is not bonding with any group and becoming a loner, isolating, having a huge sense of self-importance. We’ll think we can handle everything on our own and cause damage in all our relationships.

If we cannot learn to take personal responsibility for our own actions and how our actions impact others, we can become controlling, manipulative, blaming, harmful. We crash through life without concern for who is in our path. This includes damage inflicted on spouses and even children, not to mention co-workers, neighbors, fellow church members. All we can think about is ourselves and what we aren’t getting. We will never stop to think what others are facing and how our actions impact them. We only think about how they impact us and we become users and manipulators.

If we cannot learn to contribute to the community, we become a drain on the community. There doesn’t seem to be much in between ground here. We are either uplifting or we are down-dragging. We are either adding life to our family and community or we are sucking life out of it.

Finally, if we cannot learn to express who we are and the God-given characteristics of our heart, we’ll never have the self-confidence to live the way God has designed us. Instead, we’ll constantly be trying to fill roles that others have developed for us. We’ll spin our wheels trying to prove ourselves to the world, to our peers, to the “judges” of our community. We will constantly hang on the approval of others and even become willing to sell out on our values to get it (p. 31).

If you are like me, you may have thought just getting to adulthood is good enough, learning the childhood lessons ought to be fine. However, if we wish to have personal fulfillment and be beneficial to our families and communities (neighborhood, church, work) we need to keep working on maturing.

The Spiritual Application For Individuals

We’re not done growing. We’ve learned what we need as Christians. We’ve learned how to express our needs. We’ve learned how we fit in the big picture of Christianity, our congregation, our community. We’ve even learned to take care of ourselves. But God didn’t save us through Jesus so we could take care of ourselves. God saved us so we could be a blessing to others. God saved us so we can learn to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). 

This is where our faith really gets tested. During infancy and childhood, we may think there aren’t any problems out there in the Christian world. We may develop idealistic notions that as long as we do what is right, everything will just work out. But that is not how it works. Satan attacks. Others falter. Personalities clash. Immaturity causes dysfunction. We continue to struggle with issues we think should have been overcome early on. We can become disillusioned with Christ and His church and even our own growth. We need to learn that daily problems doesn’t mean something is wrong. It just means we are growing. We are in a process. Things will work out. That is the promise God is explaining in Romans 8:28-30. We need to learn confidence in God that He is working on our behalf. That will help us have stability and continued growth.

We need to learn to overcome isolation. That is going to mean sharing our secrets with other Christians (James 5:16). That’s going to mean spending time with our brethren even when the church hasn’t planned something. Did you notice that the very first Christians didn’t just meet in congregational assemblies, they also met from house to house (Acts 2:46). That wasn’t a church planned activity. Those were individual Christians opening their homes and developing relationships instead of isolating on their own.

We have to learn to contribute to the church community. This is so much more than learning to lead a public prayer or teach a Bible class. Look at the example of Tabitha in Acts 9:36-43. Here was a woman, probably single, perhaps a widow. Did she wait for the church to ask her to participate in some congregationally planned service activity? No. She saw a need and she filled it. She made garments for those in need. She didn’t do everything, but she did what she could. She didn’t serve everyone, but she served who she could. She didn’t wait to be asked. She just served. She contributed. What I can’t help but notice is that James, an apostle, was killed in Acts 12. The disciples mourned and buried him. Stephen, an evangelist and a deacon (I believe), was killed in Acts 7. The disciples mourned and buried him. Tabitha, who held no office and wasn’t seemingly a “major player” in the church, dies and the disciples call in Peter and say, “Something has to be done about this.” The others were laid to rest and Tabitha was brought back to keep on serving. Perhaps this tells us how important this part of our maturity really is.

Don’t give up. Keep on growing spiritually.

The Spiritual Application for Congregations

We might think if Christians grow through infancy and then make it through spiritual childhood, they’re good. We can leave them on their own to progress. Not so. Certainly, as adults, they are responsible for their maturity. However, as a church we need to help them mature. We need to provide the opportunities they need to progress in spiritual adulthood, or they’ll get locked into spiritual adolescence. Sadly, I think numerous churches suffer because they are filled with a lot of Christians who never get passed spiritual puberty. They’re locked in the awkward stage of gaining independence but not knowing how to deal with interpersonal relationships. They never learn how to be a productive part of the church family. They can answer the doctrinal questions right. They can challenge error. They can even sometimes think for themselves and see where we need to make changes. However, they don’t know how to express that. They don’t understand how their inappropriate expressions destroy relationships. We need to help with that.

What are we doing for the growing Christians to be part of the group life? Don’t just think in terms of the assemblies. Sadly, as I pointed out in the last stage, we often do great and having training classes on how to lead public prayers and give talks. But what about being really involved in the community of the congregation. What are we doing to help these growing Christians be a contributing factor in the lives of the other saints around them? Are we teaching them how to encourage others? What about hospital visits? Visiting the shut-ins? What about teaching them to contribute to the secular community? Sadly, most churches today are taking the easy road. Instead of teaching the growing Christians to provide contribution to the world around them, they just take up a weekly collection and then let the church contribute to the secular community. I don’t believe that is the church’s job. The church needs to teach growing Christians how to contribute to the society around them.

What are we doing to encourage growing Christians to develop community with other growing Christians? Do we do much more than our assemblies? The question is not of churches providing social time for the members. The point is for more mature Christians to take less mature Christians under their wings and bring them into relationships with others. The problem is all too often we don’t have the more mature Christians. We just have a bunch of adolescent Christians clamoring for someone else to do something and provide something for them. We don’t have to get involved in unscriptural activities for the local church in order to accomplish this. We simply have to step outside our “we’ve never done anything like that” box and creatively consider scriptural options to get growing Christians together.

Finally, what are we doing to help growing Christians really see how their unique gifts can benefit the congregation and benefit the kingdom? Too often we simply preach guilt building lessons that make people feel bad because they are doing some thing or the other. What if instead we spent that time to find what people are gifted for and encourage them in those areas? What if instead of sweeping with broad brushes and expecting everyone to be Stepford Christians, we learn to accept folks as individuals with quirks and struggles, but with gifts and talents and learn to help them capitalize on their strengths instead of feeling guilty for their weaknesses?

Do you think we and our brethren would grow if we took this approach? Do you think churches would grow if they took this approach?

Discussion

Tell me what you think. Does this sound a like a legitimate step of maturity? How do you think we can unstick ourselves if we are stuck in this level? Do we need to be concerned about it at all?

I find it easy to obsess about other people, especially my family members. When I say I obsess, I mean it is easy to obsess over their mistakes, their problems, their struggles. It is even easy for me to obsess over their potential mistakes. I want to figure out how I can behave to keep them from making mistakes or to keep them from enduring major consequences of their mistakes. I get enmeshed offering unsolicited advice, working behind the scenes to get others to act in a way that produces the results I think are best, trying to control whatever I think I can to make things in their life go the way I want them to, measuring every word carefully to manipulate them to do what I think is best. 

Please understand, this is not about me getting what I want. I can assure you. I really think I have their best interests at heart. I want what is best for them. Of course, oddly enough, usually what is best for them is pretty good for me too. That is probably a different discussion. I simply want you to understand that this is all out of love. I love my kids and my wife. I don’t want them to suffer because of mistakes. Sometimes, I convince myself that if I were to behave just right, I can keep them from ever making any and, therefore, they’ll never have to suffer any pain.

This can especially happen with my spouse or my children.  No matter how much stress it adds to my life, I take great pains to try to control and manipulate circumstances, other people, and them to accomplish what I think is best for them. (Oddly enough, I’ve noticed that this mindset actually makes it very easy for others to manipulate me as well, as they play into my desire to have everything be a certain way.) I have a verse that tells me to do that. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). It’s my job to bear their burdens. They make mistakes and I have to be involved. Or, I tell myself, if I’m not involved they’ll make mistakes. I have to keep them from that. Oh yes, it’s a burden for me. But God says I have to do it. Aren’t I such a wonderfully spiritual person, willing to bear all these burdens that everyone else in my family has?

But wait, what about Galatians 6:5? “For each will have to bear his own load.” What about that verse? What is going on here. Paul says we should bear the loads of others, but then says we each must bear our own. How can he say both? 

I’m not a great language scholar. I’ve read the attempts of some to explain how these two verses are talking about different things, two different kinds of burdens because the words translated “burden” and “load” are different. Perhaps they are, but even after reading the different definitions and the explanations, I have trouble seeing that difference. Instead, I think this is one of those paradoxes that Paul likes to use. He tells us two things that seem to be completely opposite and yet both are true. Believing both and using them to guide us helps us understand how we should live.

When my kids or spouse are struggling under a load, should I be there to help them lift it? Sure. But is it my load? No, it isn’t. Sadly, I like to live in extremes. I either want to ignore everyone completely and tell them to go worry about everything themselves, I have no responsibility here, it’s not my burden (I like to minimize this by calling it tough love). Or, I’ll live as if their problem is mine and I absolutely have to fix it or the world and our relationship will collapse, not to mention everyone else will look down on me because someone connected to me is less than perfect (this is what we call enmeshment and codependence). Instead of living in these extremes with my family (or anyone else for that matter), I need to learn to live with Paul’s two concepts in my head, heart, and hands. Should I be a servant to others? Absolutely. Should I let myself be crushed under the weight of everyone else’s burdens? Absolutely not.

When my daughter has trouble with her friends, should I come alongside as a loving parent, guiding her in how to properly relate to friends? Should I listen as she bears her soul and expresses her feelings? Of course I should do these things. However, should I make her problems mine, living in fear that her friends’ parents aren’t going to like me because she’s having trouble with her friends? Should I go behind the scenes to talk to her friends myself and try to fix the relationship? Should I call up her friends’ parents and try to get them to fix their daughters so my daughter can have a good relationship? Not likely. That’s her relationship, not mine. That’s her burden, not mine. (Yes, I understand in dealing with young children like mine there is a place for parents to get together, but it should be to help the children learn how to work things out, not to fix the kids and definitely not to fix someone else’s kids.) You know, to be honest, I have enough burdens of my own to be heaping the guilt and shame of everyone else’s burdens on there too.

I could give example after example of this. What I learn is that I should be there to help lift up my family when they have burdens. But their burdens are not mine. I don’t have to live like they are. I don’t have to live in fear that I’m bad because they have burdens. I don’t have to bear the guilt of their mistakes. I don’t have to rush around trying to cover up their mistakes or remove the consequences of them. I don’t have to be the image consultant to make sure they look good, so I’ll continue to look good. I don’t have to beat myself up trying to be perfect so they’ll be perfect to because of me. I’ll be there to help where I can help, but those are their burdens and we each have to carry our own load.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the #1 reason you should own a dog. That reason was that walking the dog helps provide a pause button before you blow up with anger. The problem is, even after writing that, I don’t alway remember to go walk the dog.

Last week I blew up at my daughter, Tessa, ironically enough about the dog. When I say I blew up, I mean volcanic eruption. Yelling, hateful speech, belittling and hurting. It was so awful, her only response was to break down in tears. That broke my heart. To know that I was the cause of such sadness and pain kills me. The problem is that it is too late to take it back. The damage has been done. However, just because the damage has been done doesn’t mean I just ask for God’s forgiveness and move on without looking back.

Matthew 5:23-24 says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” What was sacrifice for under the Old Covenant? It wasn’t just an act of worship. Sacrifice was the means by which the Jews became reconciled with God for their sins. What then is Jesus saying? He’s saying that before I strive to be reconciled with God over some sin of mine, I need to reconcile with the person against whom I sinned. I can’t sin against people all day and then think a nightly prayer of confession wipes my slate clean. I need to be busy reconciling.

When I blew up at Tessa, I immediately knew I had done wrong. (I don’t treat that lightly. There was a time when I didn’t recognize that blowing up at my children was wrong. This immediate recognition is progress for me.) Within two minutes I had apologized. However, my apology went something like this, “Tessa, I’m sorry I blew up at you. But I’m just so tired of you arguing with me. You have to quit arguing with me and disrespecting me. I’m the parent in this relationship and you are supposed to do what I tell you without backtalking.”

Can you already see the problem? Sure, I said the words, “I’m sorry.” But I didn’t apologize. I didn’t seek amends. I didn’t reconcile. I actually just used those words to start another harangue on my daughter. I didn’t take responsibility for my actions. Rather, I admitted I had done something wrong but placed the responsibility on Tessa. The “apology” was more about what I thought she had done wrong than what I knew I had done wrong.

Sadly, my conviction on this flawed apology was a little bit slower in coming. It took all day for this conviction to come. (As a side note, this happened last Tuesday morning, which may explain why I was in no mood to get last week’s post up on a Springboard for Your Family.)

However, when I got home last week after our gospel meeting with Terry Francis, I pulled Tessa aside and offered a true apology, amends, reconciliation. Here is essentially what I said.

“Tessa, I need to offer you an apology. This morning when you argued with me, I blew up at you. That was wrong of me. I’m sorry. Then I offered an apology that wasn’t really an apology but actually a justification. I really blamed you for my sin. I do think you were wrong for arguing with me and disrespecting with me. But my angry outburst was not your fault. I acted like you were to blame when I was the one who blew up. Your arguing and my blowing up were two different things. I’m sorry for blowing up at you and I’m sorry for blaming you. I don’t want you to think you were at fault for my sin. Will you please forgive me?” She said yes and we hugged.

Please notice some things here that will help as we strive to reconcile with folks.

1) Take personal responsibility.

My angry outburst was mine. It wasn’t Tessa’s. Did she do something wrong? Sure. But that was hers and not mine. It doesn’t matter what anyone else does, I’m not given permission to sin. Therefore, when I’m seeking forgiveness and reconciliation I must not shift the responsibility to anyone else. When I do, I’m not really apologizing.

2) State the sin/wrong/hurt.

Many times, I want to gloss over my wrongs by just offering some kind of general apology or plea for reconciliation. However, if I really want reconciliation, I won’t gloss over but I will validate the other person’s feelings of hurt and anger by stating exactly what I did. I blew up. I justified. I acted like I was apologizing when I wasn’t. The way I avoided this in my second apology (first real apology) was to actually state all the sins I had committed, all the hurts I had administered. This showed that I really had thought about what I had done. I really did have remorse about the hurt. 

Before someone cries, “Wait a minute, God never said I had to list all the hurts,” let me make a comment. I’m not trying to write a 5-step plan for being forgiven by God so you can go to heaven. I’m writing what I’ve learned actually helps me reconcile with others. God did say you needed to reconcile with those you had wronged. I’ve learned this helps accomplish what God has asked of us.

3) State that it was a sin.

Certainly, sometimes I make errors in judgment or mistakes. When that is all I’ve done, that is all I need to admit to. However, when I’ve actually sinned (and wrathful outbursts and clamoring really are sins even when they are directed toward my children–Ephesians 4:31), I need to admit what I did. I shouldn’t minimize it. I shouldn’t play it down. I need to call a spade a spade and a sin a sin. Otherwise, I’m still not really apologizing and reconciling, am I?

4) Don’t demand the other apologize.

Tessa did wrong with her disrespectful argument and disobedience. But that didn’t need to be dealt with as I apologized for my sin. The fact is my apology would come off as manipulative if it appeared like my apology was actually fishing for Tessa to offer how own apology for her wrongs.

Don’t misunderstand, if someone has sinned against you, you should talk to them about it. I’m just saying the midst of your own apology is not the place to do it.

5) Ask for forgiveness.

When I’ve sinned, what I need most is forgiveness. I didn’t need to simply apologize and move on. I needed to put the ball in Tessa’s court. As much as it depends on me, I should be at peace with all people (Romans 12:18). That means I need to do my part. My part is to recognize my wrong, apologize, and seek forgiveness. When I’ve done that, then as far as it depends on me, I’m living peaceably with others.

6) Don’t act like forgiveness is owed.

You can’t see this point in my actual words, but rather in the omission of words. Fortunately, Tessa immediately agreed to forgive me. We hugged and moved on in our relationship. But what if she hadn’t forgiven me? What if she had said, “Dad, if this were the first time, I would forgive you. But this is the 100th time that I can recall. I’m just not ready to forgive you right now. Maybe later.” How should I respond?

This is a tough one for Christians because we immediately want to bring out Luke 17:3-4. “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in a day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” When we’ve done wrong and the other person is not forgiving us, we like to hammer him/her with this passage. But think through this for a moment.

If I’m asking Tessa for forgiveness, I’m asking for mercy. I’m asking for something I haven’t earned. Something that by definition she is not obligated by our relationship to give me. The problem is we Christians are often like little children and the word “Please.” When trying to teach my children manners and how to use the word “please,” we always hit a phase in which the child thinks that because they said “please” they are owed what they asked for. We tend to think that because we said, “I’m sorry; will you please forgive me,” the other person owes it to us and we start bludgeon them with the Bible when they are reluctant.

Here’s the problem. Should Tessa forgive me? Absolutely. But not because of me. She doesn’t owe me. She owes God. If she refused to forgive me, is that a problem. Absolutely. But that is between her and God, not between her and me. Should someone hold her accountable to God’s standard of forgiveness. Absolutely. But that is not my place. If I act like I’m owed this forgiveness I’m asking for, then I’m not actually asking for forgiveness am I. Forgiveness, by definition, is something not owed to me. 

If Tessa had trouble forgiving me, instead of holding Luke 17:3-4 over her head, I need to apologize again for setting a stumbling block before her. I sinned against her so badly that she is finding it hard to submit to God’s will. Far from acting like the truly spiritual one, I need to humbly make reconciliation for that further sin on my part.

I really hate to share this huge flub on my part. I’d rather get to come off as one of those guys who has done it all right and if you would just be like me you could do it all right too. Regrettably, that is just not the role God is letting me play. Instead, I hope you can learn from my school of hard knocks so you don’t have to go through them.

I know I said I usually don’t like those videos that has someone playing Jesus or God. But, here’s another one that I thought really hit the nail on the head.

This reminds me of what a friend once said about Romans 12:1-2 and the living sacrifice. “What is the problem with a living sacrifice?” “I don’t know.” “It keeps crawling off the altar.”

Check out the video and give Jesus the stool.

Today, we have a special treat. Mark Broyles, gospel preacher and president of InLight, Inc., has graced us with a great heads up on making our marriages work. Mark will be hosting two marriage retreats in 2010, one in Chattanooga, Tennessee, the other in Howey-in-the-Hills, Florida (apparently, that’s a real place). Make sure you check out the website for his retreats. By the way, these aren’t associate links. I’m not getting a penny out of this. I just want you to know about it, because, as you can see from the article, you can get some real help for your marriage from this guy.

Thanks for the guest post, Mark.

Enjoy the article everyone.

The Top Two Hindrances to Making Marriage Work

How do you make a marriage work?  Maybe a better question would be – how do you work to make a marriage?  As with any worthwhile endeavor work is the factor that is most vital to success.  However, in marriage we often expect success with very little effort.  In Ephesians 5, Paul instructs husbands to love their wives and wives to submit to and respect their husbands—instructions based on the God given needs of both. Easy words but frequently complicated concepts and applications. Two problems seem to be most prevalent in causing these needs to remain unmet and therefore preventing the marriage from thriving the way God intended.

 First, we are ignorant.  It sounds harsh but it is true. Have you ever found yourself either thinking or saying, “I never realized you felt that way” or “I didn’t know it meant that much to you”?  Ignorance of my spouse’s real needs will almost certainly mean they will largely go unmet. We understand that we are to love our wives and to respect our husbands but how exactly do we do that? Not only are their needs different but also the method of fulfilling those needs.  I know what I like, want, and need for fulfillment.  That knowledge comes to me naturally with no real effort required, but the needs of my spouse are not nearly so easy to understand.  Ignorance may not be easy to admit but it is easily corrected.  Whatever I am ignorant about only requires that I put forth effort to study and learn.  Marriage is no different.  In the seminars we have presented on marriage the last ten years one of the most evident truths is the lack of real effort of husbands and wives to use the resources available to better understand their spouse.  There are some wonderful resources based on God’s principles to help us understand our spouse’s perspective.  Read, attend classes, and ask your spouse! How much effort are you putting forth to really understand your husband or wife?

Second, we are selfish.  Once we know what our spouse truly needs we must be willing to devote ourselves to fulfilling that need.  Selfishness is the problem of all mankind including husbands and wives.  Jesus taught often, even those who were closest to Him, that we must serve others rather than seeking to be served ourselves (John 13). That is never easy.  I like me. I like to be comfortable, satisfied, and fulfilled.  When I am tired, uncomfortable, aggravated, over stressed, or underappreciated it becomes even more difficult to focus on my spouse.  When our thoughts are focused on what our spouse needs to do to fulfill our needs then we have departed from the mindset of Christ.  The commands in Ephesians 5 are independent of one another.  Each of us has the same role in marriage. That role is to glorify God by devoting ourselves to fulfilling our spouse’s needs.  Where would we be if Christ was only as focused on serving us as we are on serving our spouse?  How hard will you work to forget self to fulfill your spouse?

The key to a happy healthy relationship in marriage is to learn each other’s unique needs and strive to meet them to the fullest of your potential.  

(P.S. Don’t forget to check out the website for InLight’s marriage retreats.)

I’m usually not very fond of the videos where someone plays God. Something about it often sets me on edge. However, I’ve seen a couple lately that I really like. God’s Chisel was a great one. Here is another one posted by OneTime Blind. I think I like this one because that other character, the one whose not supposed to be God, reminds me way too much of me.

Time for some surrender. Enjoy.

(If you have stumbled across this post, you have found me blogging my upcoming book “Getting to Did: How To Lose Your Big But and Live a Life Without Regret.” In the last installment, Sam learned about Accepting No Excuses. If you need to catch up on the whole book, you can start with “Sam’s Crumbling World” which has an index of all the posts or you can follow the successive links.)

YES MEN

After reading the questions on the paper, he asked, “Okay, I get the PASSION, LOOKING TO THE FUTURE, and ACCEPTING NO EXCUSES. But what is up with this YES MEN thing? I’ve always hated that.”

The COACH responded, “Yeah, Dave told me you were already upset about that one. The normal connotation of YES MEN is dreadful. We don’t want people who just always say, ‘Yes,’ even when they disagree in order to get on our good side. That, however, is not what I mean by YES MEN. We want people who will challenge our thinking and expand our vision.

“These YES MEN are people with whom you surround yourself to encourage you and hold you accountable. They are the people who tell you, ‘YES, you CAN,’ when you are thinking, ‘No, I can’t.’ They tell you, ‘YES, you SHALL,’ when you are thinking, ‘No, I shall not.’ They tell you, ‘YES, you WILL,’ when you are thinking, ‘No, I won’t.’

“Your YES MEN are your accountability partners. Dave and I get together regularly along with the TRAINER and the PROFESSOR to act as each other’s YES MEN. Further, we get together with many of the other people we have helped along the way.

“I hope you don’t think it’ll be a cake walk from this point on. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve had this conversation with who end up settling for mediocrity in their lives. They don’t step up to the plate. When you talk to them today, they’ve just grown their big ol’ BUTS back again. Without fail, each one started back into their old habits of COULDA, SHOULDA and WOULDA by neglecting their relationship with their YES MEN.

“As you pick out your YES MEN, don’t pick out the ones we often think of as YES MEN, the ones afraid to state their convictions and disagree when it’s necessary. They won’t help you. Pick the ones who’ll push you. Pick the ones who’ll force you to get up when you have fallen. Pick the ones who’ll question you and make you clarify your vision and your course of action. Pick the ones who’ll ACCEPT NO EXCUSES. But make sure to pick out YES MEN who are willing to say ‘YES, you CAN,’ even when no one else has before.

“When you have established your council of YES MEN, be completely open and honest with them. Let them know your plans, dreams and visions. Let them know the obstacles you see and the struggles you face. Let them know your fears. Then listen respectfully to their advice. Remember, it’s just that, advice. You SHOULD still be you and you must make your final choices. Good YES MEN will ACCEPT NO EXCUSES from you, not even, ‘I did what you YES MEN said I SHOULD.’

“Here are the benefits of YES MEN. First, two heads are better than one. Even with all of your INSIGHT into your work and life, it’s still hard to read the label when you’re inside the bottle. It’s always good to get advice and counsel from others with differing perspectives.

“Second, you’ll be surprised how often your network of YES MEN can actually help you with your projects in practical ways by connecting you with others or with needed resources. For instance, when I first started working with this high school, you may remember the team had maintained a losing record for several years. The school board had cut the budget. We were in desperate need of new equipment and didn’t have the funds.”

“Oh yeah, I remember that,” Sam said. “I remember little Sam complaining about some of the outdated and dilapidated equipment. One of the local sporting goods stores stepped in and made some donations didn’t it?”

“That’s right. What you don’t know is those donations came because I laid out my troubles to my YES MEN council. The TRAINER had a connection with the upper crust at that store. Dave had an accountant friend who explained the tax advantages of making such a donation. Voilà, our equipment issues were resolved.

“The third benefit from YES MEN is they help pick you up when you fall down. Before I moved here, I had an experience so devastating I was ready to throw in the towel. I had made a few mistakes in my first head coaching job. Instead of letting me learn from them and grow, one of my assistant coaches, a man I thought was a friend, went behind my back to get me ousted so he could have the job. It was my introduction to another aspect I hate about this job—school politics. I was down and the ref had counted to 9. That was when Dave really came into my life. He had been my landlord for a few years. One day he was just checking out his property and struck up a conversation with me. I guess I needed someone to talk to because I just opened up to him like he was my best friend. He taught me about GETTING TO DID and ever since he has acted as my YES MAN, picked me up and helped me move on. I’m just going to tell you, you can’t replace that or manufacture it on your own.

“Fourth, maybe I think this because I’m such a people person, but life is just more fun when you’re sharing it with others. Your council of YES MEN gives you people to laugh and cry with. It gives you people to support and people who support you. It gives you people who will pat you on your back when you do well and kick you in the backside when you slack off. It just makes life more interesting and more fun.

“Finally, when it’s time to do battle and go toe to toe with the ones who’ll try to knock you down and keep you from reaching your goals, your YES MEN provide you with support and strength you WILL never have alone.

“My game is a game of YES MEN. I have yet to see the one man football team. No PLAY in my game is ever made by a single player. I never let my team forget that. We have to support each other, defend each other and bust heads for each other. In the end, I’m convinced there’ve been some games we won simply because we ‘YES we CANned’ each other through it.

“Here’s your final exercise. It’s pretty simple.”

(Come back next Thursday as the Coach wraps up with Sam.)

(If you have stumbled across this post, you have found me blogging my upcoming book “Getting to Did: How To Lose Your Big But and Live a Life Without Regret.” In the last installment, Sam learned about Looking to the Future. If you need to catch up on the whole book, you can start with “Sam’s Crumbling World” which has an index of all the posts or you can follow the successive links.)

Accept No Excuses

“Alright we have talked about PASSION and LOOKING TO THE FUTURE. Now you must learn to ACCEPT NO EXCUSES,” the COACH began again. “Even the best laid plans get old from time to time and you just don’t want to follow through. This is an agreement issue. You have agreed to and committed yourself to a course of action. You must ACCEPT NO EXCUSES until you have followed through. We have to realize just about everything we do is a choice. You did not have to come here today; you chose to. You did not have to work your job for all those years; you chose to. You do not have to do anything about your situation right now; you are choosing to. EXCUSES are nothing more than blaming something or someone for our carelessness or wrong choices.

“Think of a few excuses you’ve made when you didn’t pull through like you were supposed to. Have you ever excused yourself for not coming through on a project by saying, ‘I’m sorry, I just didn’t have enough time’? What would you have said if the person questioning you had asked, ‘What did you spend your time doing instead of working on this project? Did you keep up with your favorite television show?’ Or have you ever fallen short and responded, ‘I’m sorry, I just forgot’? Why didn’t you act on it immediately or write it down? Do not tolerate EXCUSES from yourself. Listen, I’m not saying be a tyrant to everyone else. I’m telling you to hold yourself to higher standards and ACCEPT NO EXCUSES.”

Sam jumped in, “But aren’t there times when you really have a good EXCUSE?”

“No, there are never good EXCUSES. There are, at times, good REASONS. There is a difference. In a game, if one of my receivers gets the ball in his hands and drops it, he will be running laps. I ACCEPT NO EXCUSES for that. I don’t want to hear how wet the ball was or how he was distracted or how he forgot what pattern he was running. Those are all EXCUSES. I want to hear he caught the ball. On the other hand, if the quarterback throws it wild or if the defense just makes a good play, I don’t hold that over my receivers’ heads. Those are REASONS. Sometimes my team just gets outplayed on the field. If the other team’s defense was just making all the right moves and their offense was working tight, I can handle getting beat. That is a REASON for losing. On the other hand, if my guys were sloppy and not putting forth their best effort out there on the field, everything they will say in the locker room afterwards is just an EXCUSE. I don’t tolerate that sort of behavior from my football team or myself.

“There is another aspect of ACCEPT NO EXCUSES. No matter how much you plan, prepare and protect yourself, there are going to be some failures. I’m sure one of the others already told you this, however, the only people who never fail are the ones who don’t try anything. ACCEPT NO EXCUSES means when you fail you don’t duck out on your responsibilities. You don’t make up lame excuses to explain away your failure. Take a good long hard look at what you did and what obstacles you faced. Then find the REASONS you failed and try again, working to overcome those REASONS.  Use your failures as a springboard for future successes.

“At the same time, don’t think that ACCEPT NO EXCUSES means you have to beat yourself up every time you make a mistake. I remember one time when I learned I was doing this to myself. I missed a turn and the first thing out of my mouth was, ‘You idiot!’ But it struck me. I wasn’t an idiot. I’m actually a pretty smart guy. I just had my mind on other things and missed my turn. I did what all humans do. I made a mistake. Here was the great thing. I learned that day to make a u-turn and learn from my mistake to do better the next time. I ACCEPTED NO EXCUSES. I didn’t try to blame anyone else or anything else. I owned my own mistake and learned from it to do better the next time.

“If you’re going to COACH for very long, you have to do this. When I lose a game, I don’t get to say, ‘That’s it, I’m never playing that team again.’ In fact, I may have to play them again this year. That means I get out the video and go over the game, play by play, looking for mistakes and weaknesses. At the same time, I look for what worked. In other words, I find the REASONS we lost in order to fix what is broken before we play that team again. I ACCEPT NO EXCUSES. I certainly discipline my team for sloppy play, but I don’t beat them up or call them names for making mistakes. I encourage us all to own our responsibilities, to learn from the mistakes and move on.

“I imagine you encountered the need for this philosophy time and again in the sales world.”

“You know it. If there was ever anything that clued me in to know someone wasn’t going to cut it as a salesman, it was how they handled rejection,” Sam explained. “Some viewed it as a springboard, a place to learn. Some took it personally, thinking it meant they were failures. I’ll tell you what though, my best salesmen did not just use their failures as learning experiences. They would even review their successes with their co-workers and supervisors, looking at what worked and what may have almost been a hindrance.”

“You’re two steps ahead of me, Sam. If you’re going to grow, don’t just look at your failures, examine your successes. Is there anything you can do to make it work more smoothly? Was there something different about this team or that customer that made this approach work when it didn’t or wouldn’t work another time? Either way, you’re always working to rule out EXCUSES. You can’t Make the PLAY if you are always making EXCUSES for why you’re not making it, won’t make it or didn’t make it.

“This really cuts to the heart of the COULDAS, SHOULDAS and WOULDAS and your big BUTS. When we find ourselves saying those, we are usually making EXCUSES.”

“Now you’re making me feel small. I don’t know how many EXCUSES I’ve accepted throughout my life. When you put it like this, it makes perfect sense. I’m going to work on that,” Sam said thoughtfully. “Where’s my homework on this one?”

(Make sure you come back next week when the COACH teaches Sam about Yes Men.)

(If you have stumbled across this post, you have found me blogging my upcoming book “Getting to Did: How To Lose Your Big But and Live a Life Without Regret.” In the last installment, Sam learned about Passion. If you need to catch up on the whole book, you can start with “Sam’s Crumbling World” which has an index of all the posts or you can follow the successive links.)

Look To the Future

Looking up from the paper, Sam asked, “Okay, have PASSION. What about LOOK TO THE FUTURE? I already talked about planning and goal-setting with the TRAINER. Is that what this is about?”

“Not quite. Planning, or as the TRAINER put it, NEXT STEP THINKING, gets you from COULDA to CAN. We’re talking about motivation here, going from WOULDA to WILL. LOOK TO THE FUTURE is really about refusing to be governed by the present moment.

“Wait a minute,” Sam said shaking his head. “The TRAINER and the PROFESSOR both said all I had was today and that I needed to live in the present moment. How can you say I’m not supposed to be governed by it?”

“We live in the moment, Sam, but we aren’t governed by it. That is, there are some things we do in the present moment that we don’t like because we know where they lead. No matter how PASSIONATE you are, there are always aspects of your work and life you won’t be PASSIONATE about. I hate parent/teacher conferences. I hate grading tests and papers in the Math class I have to teach if I want to coach. What helps me keep going and plugging away through these drudgeries? LOOKING TO THE FUTURE. I constantly remind myself of the rewards of doing the parts that I don’t like about this job. First, if I want to keep looking forward to the parts I do like, I have to do the others as well. Second, even though I don’t like them, I realize they’re part of the process that accomplishes what I am PASSIONATE about. Those conferences help keep the parents involved in their kids’ lives. They help the parents know where I can see their kids going in the future. And they help the parents and me get on the same team. While I prefer coaching football to teaching Math, I can see that most of my guys aren’t going to make a living playing football and even the one or two that ever will are going to need life skills to be successful.

“My job is not well done just because my guys have a fun, winning season. My job is well done when they’re well prepared to go out and PASSIONATELY pursue their life’s course. On those days when I don’t feel like teaching Math or having the parent/teacher conference, I look down the road at the kids’ lives. LOOKING TO THE FUTURE motivates me to Make the PLAYS I don’t like making.

“Further, let’s face it, even with the stuff we are PASSIONATE about, we all have down days. My team doesn’t win State every year. We don’t win every game. And we don’t always have great practices. Some days, weeks and years, things just don’t go right. The players may not be the high caliber we need. We may have made a staffing error. I may be sick. Who knows, maybe it’s just raining too much. Nobody soars on an emotional high all the time; not even in their areas of PASSION. We have to learn not to be governed by that moment. We have to LOOK TO THE FUTURE and remember where all of this is heading. This is big picture thinking. Don’t get bogged down by the bad moments, days, weeks or even years. My father-in-law had a lot of bad moments. I always remember how he faced them. He always said, ‘This too shall pass.’ Don’t get bogged down in it. Just recognize if you’re working to make the PLAY these down times won’t last.

“LOOK TO THE FUTURE and remember what the whole journey is about. That will help you Make the PLAY even when you don’t feel like it.

“Are you with me so far, Sam?”

“Sure, this all makes sense. I have to learn to be motivated to Make the PLAY. That is a lot easier if I love what I’m doing, if I’m PASSIONATE about it. However, no matter how much PASSION I have, there will be down times. To keep motivated during those times I have to LOOK TO THE FUTURE.”

“Good,” the COACH said, “Now I know why Sam, Jr. was always so quick to catch on. Here’s another exercise for you to work through this week.”

(Come back next Thursday as the Coach teaches SAM to ACCEPT NO EXCUSES)