Okay, so as usual I’m about three months behind on the pop-culture scene. My brother always gives me a hard time about this. However, just the other day I learned that Weird Al has a new song being released. It’s called “Perform This Way.” I heard a snippet and wanted to find out more about the original it is based on. After all, those songs are always funnier when you actually know who he’s lampooning. So I asked my daughter about Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” Then she sang some of the lyrics to me and I said, “Wait! What?” “Oh, Dad, it’s not about that.” “Really, what’s it about then?” “It’s just about her tough childhood and her mom telling her she’s born to be a superstar.” “Oh, okay,” I said, somewhat relieved. Then, last night on the way home from Bible class the song came on the radio. I was stunned to say the least. Tessa said I was missing the point. So we looked up the lyrics when we got home. The disappointment simply continued.

That’s right, disappointment. Why? Because I really liked the song. For the most part, it sounded like a great 80s pop song. And you just gotta love 80s pop songs. Additionally, parts of it had a great message. As creations of God, we are all valuable no matter what we’ve done or who we are. We are works of the Master’s hand and have intrinsic value because of His creation and His love for us. Therefore, as I’ve taught before, no matter who we are or what we have done we can love ourselves.

I especially appreciate the message about racial diversity and disabilities. Whether you are Lebanese, Oriental, White, Black, or Hispanic, love yourself. It’s okay. Whatever disabilities you have, no matter what anyone else thinks of your abilities, love yourself. I think that is a wonderful message.

But I have a major problem with this song that is now being touted as an anthem for a new generation.

In the middle of this song, Stefani Germanotta (Gaga’s real name), switches from talking about issues of birth to issues of behavior. In the midst of celebrating differences of race, culture, and ability Germanotta sings:

NO MATTER GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BI,
LESBIAN, TRANSGENDERED LIFE
I’M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN TO SURVIVE

Before we even discuss whether homosexual sex or cross-dressing is right, I want to consider a deeper problem. Does any generation really want their anthem to be that the reason they behave the way they do is because they were born that way? Really? “I hope you all will understand why I do everything I do. It isn’t my fault. I was born that way.”

How many behaviors can we justify with that anthem? Why not write:

YOU LIKE TO RAPE OR BEAT YOUR WIFE
OR LEAD A PEDOPHILE’S LIFE
YOU’RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
YOU WERE BORN TO SURVIVE

I know that edit is going to take a lot of heat. But why can’t I sing that? If one behavior is automatically right because I was “born this way,” why aren’t all behaviors right for the same reason? Where does the line of justification stop?

I’m actually surprised at this song and it’s swell of support by the homosexual community. Do those who practice homosexuality really want their behavior justified because it is just like being born with a disability such as Down’s Syndrome or Muscular Dystrophy? Are we to view homosexuality and cross-dressing as an abnormality that needs to be overlooked because it is on par with Tourette’s Syndrome? Are we supposed to walk away from this song saying, “Yeah, cross-dressers are wrong, but they can’t help it. We just need to pat them on the head and love them anyway”? Are we supposed to say, “I know homosexuality is abnormal; they have a brain malfunction and a chemically based disability. Therefore we should overlook this behavior”?

I know I don’t want to think that about my behaviors, whether they’re behaviors I think are wrong or right. I personally would rather think that people who practice these things are normal people making choices. We may disagree about the rightness of the choices and we can discuss that. But what I’m really getting from this song is that I’m not supposed to even question or discuss whether the behavior choice is right. I’m supposed to overlook it because it is a genetic abnormality. The video suggests I’m evil if I question whether the behavior is right or wrong instead of just overlooking it like a birth defect.

I don’t want do to do anything because I was born that way. I want to do what is right because it is right. I honestly don’t know what the answer is regarding the influence of nature and nurture regarding sexual behavior. I don’t fully know what the influence of nature versus nurture is on pretty much any behavior. However, I am 100% convinced that nothing is right based on the influence of either nature or nurture. Further, I am 100% convinced that nothing is good for me based on the influence of either nature or nurture.

While I tend to discount the “born that way” arguments, what if I’m wrong? What if people are “born this way” when it comes to their behavior choices? I may be genetically predisposed to be an alcoholic. That isn’t going to keep me from getting cirrhosis of the liver. I may be genetically predisposed to eat fatty foods and scarf 5000 calories per day. The genetic predisposition isn’t going to keep me from getting Diabetes or having an early heart attack. Further, I may be genetically predisposed to want to have sex with as many women as possible. That doesn’t make it right. I may be genetically predisposed to think might makes right and so I bully my way around all the people I disagree with or don’t like. I may even bully my wife and kids. That doesn’t make it right.

Perhaps this is why Jesus and the Bible talks so much about rebirth, renewal, and recreation.

“Jesus answered and said, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.’”–John 3:5

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”–2 Corinthians 5:17

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”–Ephesians 2:10

“…to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”–Ephesians 4:22-24

“Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.”–Colossians 3:9-10

“But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”–Titus 3:4-7

“Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God…”–1 Peter 1:22-23

Behaviors aren’t right or wrong based on birth or genetics. For that matter, they aren’t right or wrong based on parental upbringing or cultural socialization. They are right or wrong based on God’s Word. If we are doing what we were born to do, we are probably doing the wrong thing. What we need is rebirth. Then we need to behave in the way we were reborn to behave.

In a YouTube video, I witnessed Stefani Germanotta break down in tears because she still feels like a loser sometimes. I get that. I do too sometimes. In the same video, she says a prayer and makes the sign of the cross. I know from that that Lady Gaga believes she is somehow connected to Jesus on the cross. So, I’d like to share with her and with everyone else in this new generation that the answer to our loss is not to celebrate acting the way we were born (if that is the reason we have acted the way we do). Rather, it is to celebrate a rebirth in Jesus Christ and His death. And the great thing about that is real issues of birth do not keep us from Jesus. As Romans 2:11 says, God shows no partiality. No matter our race or birth, we can be reborn in Jesus Christ and overcome any behaviors we have that are wrong.

Instead of this misplaced anthem that has so rocked the world, may we learn to sing:

NO MATTER WHAT I HAVE DONE,
OR HOW I ONCE LIVED MY LIFE
I’M ON THE RIGHT TRACK NOW
I WAS REBORN; I’LL SURVIVE
NO MATTER BLACK, WHITE OR BEIGE
CHOLA OR ORIENT MADE
I’M ON THE RIGHT TRACK NOW
I WAS REBORN HIS WAY

What do you think? Should Germanotta’s song be our new anthem or should we consider our behaviors based on another standard? Click the following link to add your input: Post a comment.

Yesterday, my brother-in-law, Nathan Williams, asked some questions on his blog about men and their thoughts on modesty. I tried to respond but for some reason his spam filter kept telling me my comment seemed spammy and wouldn’t let it be posted. So I sent it to him in e-mail to see if he could get it posted. He decided to post it as his blog entry today. Thanks, Nathan, for posting that. And I appreciate you striving to protect my rep by keeping it anonymous. However, I think one of the reasons we keep hearing from church after church about men falling, especially preachers and elders, is because we act like none of us ever have any real problems with lust.

I mean, sure, every man admits that he has lusted at some time or other. But it’s just those “sicko” people out there that have a problem. So we ignore and stuff our real problems, afraid to share until they become so powerfully overwhelming that we fall into a snare of the devil, into condemnation, and into disgrace.

Well, the fact is Jesus came into the world to save sickos like me. If I didn’t have any problems, I wouldn’t need Jesus. As I said in the chapter I was privileged to write for Behind the Preacher’s Door, lust is one of the four horsemen of my personal apocalypse (the others are gluttony, covetousness, and pride). I have turned to Jesus because these things have driven me there. I’m grateful because God is giving me progressive victory over these struggles. My struggles with lust aren’t what they used to be. However, I’m learning that I only continue to have victory when I remember that these are very present struggles. When I think of them as things I used to have problems with, then Satan jumps up and smacks me down. So, today, I have to rely completely on Jesus to fight the good fight of faith against the temptations to lust. Part of that fight is being completely honest and letting the light shine on the dark places in my soul. I hope no one simply dismisses me as a sicko pervert. But if they do, that will be between them and God, not me.

When Nathan told me he was going to post my comment today. I sent a note saying, “Wait, let me make it better.” But our notes passed in cyberspace. So, you can see the Cliff’s Notes version at the Mandeville Church’s blog or you can read the full version here. I also want to apologize for how long this is. I know that good bloggers say this post should only be about 1/6^th of the size it is. But this is deep stuff that I can’t simply bullet-point down into a concise blog post.

Do I Notice Immodesty?

Yesterday, Nathan asked us men, “Do you notice immodesty around you?” Well, duh. I’m a man. God has created me to be visually stimulated. I think that is why Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:27-30 are directed at men. While women can also lust, we men are the ones more susceptible to it because we are more visual. That’s why we men need to think like Job who said, “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at the virgin?” (Job 31:1). Gazing is our problem.

Do I notice? Try as hard as I can not to, I notice.

What Triggers Lust?

Nathan asked, “What do you consider immodest on women?” Rather than stating what I consider immodest, as if I can establish the bounds and lines of modesty, let me rather share what I have found to trigger my lust.

Cleavage. Even the slightest hint of it. I can’t help but wonder why a woman wants to let me see part of her breasts. I mean, if I’m seeing cleavage, I’m also seeing the breasts that surround the cleavage.

Anything that draws attention to a woman’s breasts or buttocks. That includes form-fitting clothing but also includes clothing with writing that begs me to look at a woman in those triggering areas.

Thighs. Thighs definitely cause a problem.

If the belly is showing or if the pants are riding low and a woman’s underwear or the beginning of the roundness of her buttocks is peeking out. This is especially triggering if the woman has a tattoo peeking out of the top of her pants. Don’t ask me why, but if a woman has a tattoo showing out of her pants, it makes me think she is sexually easy. That is certainly an improper judgment on my part, but there it is. I guess I think if she would let some guy get his hands all over that part of her body to paint it, she must be willing to let anyone do that.

But the triggering issues are not just about dress. There is also behavior, stature, and deportment. Some women stand with breasts thrust forward. Some women sit with legs spread apart like a man. Some women walk with extra wiggle. All of these stimulate sexual thinking and lust.

Some women talk in suggestive ways, pushing the envelope on propriety. I think this may come from the idea that guys talk like that and some women just want to be one of the guys. First, guys shouldn’t talk like that. Second, when a woman does, I’m not thinking, “Oh, here’s a woman who is just one of the guys.” I’m thinking, “Oh, here’s a woman who is probably sexually easy.” I know some women recognize this. In a marriage counseling session, a wife who had cheated on her husband admitted to me that she could tell when she could seduce a man by talking in a certain way to him and seeing how he responded. It isn’t just dress, but speech that heightens sexual tension and tests the sexual waters gets those lust engines running.

Okay, I’m probably going too far and letting too many of my cats out of the bag here. I’m sure the sisters will think, “That guy’s got a problem,” and they’re right. But there it is.

What Triggered Solomon’s Desire OR I’m Not the Only One

However, I know I’m not the only one with triggers like this. In Song of Solomon 4:1-11; 6:5-7:9, the man talks about what triggers him sexually about his bride. In marriage, this is beautiful. God has given these gifts to woman so she can stimulate and please her husband. However, I believe women need to recognize that these things can trigger men outside of marriage and, therefore, be careful how they present themselves when they are in the public eye. Notice what Solomon claimed was sexually triggering. By the way, I’m not saying a woman has to keep all of these things completely covered. I’m simply saying it would be helpful to think about how these things are presented to men because they can be triggering.

Breasts: Song of Solomon 4:5; 7:3, 7

Eyes: Song of Solomon 4:1, 9; 6:5; 7:4

Hair: Song of Solomon 4:1; 6:5; 7:5

Teeth: Song of Solomon 4:2; 6:6

Lips, mouth: Song of Solomon 4:3; 7:8-9

Cheeks: Song of Solomon 4:3; 6:7

Neck: Song of Solomon 4:4; 7:4

Jewelry: Song of Solomon 4:9

Perfume: Song of Solomon 4:6, 11

Feet: Song of Solomon 7:1

Thighs: Song of Solomon 7:1

Navel and belly: Song of Solomon 7:2

Stature: Song of Solomon 7:7

Words: Okay this one isn’t in Song of Solomon. But you can find it in Proverbs 5:3; 6:24.

How Does It Affect Me?

Yesterday, Nathan asked, “How does it affect you?” That is an interesting question. I’m sure it affects each man differently. But then again, maybe I’m a good example of what immodesty and lust do to every man.

First, it affects my judgment of the person who is triggering my lust. This is very self-centered and wrong; I shouldn’t think this, but I often do. The judgment that often jumps into my mind about the person dressing in a way that excites my lust is that the person must be interested in inciting my lust. I can very quickly think that person intends to be sexual. If she is willing to be sexual at the level of dress, she is probably willing to be sexual at deeper levels. Intellectually, I know this isn’t true. Some women dress and act this way out of ignorance. Some do so because of their own past hurts and insecurities. Some do so because our culture has trained them that they are only worthwhile when they are sexy. No doubt, some do so because they are “easy.” But no matter the reason the woman is dressing that way, it is that final reason that often jumps into my mind.

Second, it increases my desire. One problem with lust is that it is addictive. Just like any addiction, you gain tolerance. When a person is addicted to alcohol they have to drink more and more to get the same buzz they used to get. Lust is the exact same way. So, when I see an immodestly dressed woman who triggers my lust, it makes me want to see more. I want to see more immodestly dressed women and I want to see women who are less dressed. Sadly, Satan has provided an all too easy way in our modern technological world for me to see more women and less dress. Seeing more is always only a click away. No matter what commitments I have made to myself, to others, to God, to my wife… no matter how good I’ve been and how much victory I’ve had,  when an immodest woman comes into view, Satan smacks me with the urge to see more.

Third, lust distracts me from reality. I remember watching a show or a movie in which a man was staring at a woman and she said, “Take a picture; it will last longer.” That just goes to show that women don’t understand the mind of a man. Pictures fade. Pictures can be destroyed. Pictures can be lost. But the image in my mind can be there until I die. And it usually is just waiting for a moment when reality isn’t enough for me. It usually sits there under cover until I hit a moment in the day that is stressful, boring, or otherwise troublesome. Then it jumps out at me, taking over my mind, inviting me to escape from the hard reality into the easy world of fantasy. My evil thoughts, sinful passions, and self-centered judgments all coalesce to keep me from living in the real world.

Fourth, it destroys my relationship with my wife. I love my wife. I don’t want to be with anyone but my wife. But being married is about living in reality and that just isn’t always easy. It is completely unfair to my wife for me to come home all raging to be sexual with her because I saw someone else that turned me on and have now been fantasizing all day (even if the fantasies were about my wife). Lust causes me to place unreasonable and unfair sexual expectations on her, expectations she can’t possibly fulfill. Then I have resentment and get mad at her, which causes her to have resentment and get mad at me, which causes me to have resentment and get mad at her, which causes her…you get the picture. These fantasies are dangerous because my wife cannot possibly be the “sex-kitten” I’ve been envisioning in my fantasies. After all, men, in our fantasies, our wives are just sitting around waiting for us to get home so we can have sex. They aren’t cleaning house, caring for kids, cooking meals, doing laundry, and getting exhausted. NEWSFLASH! Reality sets in and what suffers for all this is my marriage and my relationship with my wife.

Finally, I appreciate what I learned from a friend of mine who is in 12-step recovery for alcohol. He has a saying that reminds him why he needs to maintain the fight against his drinking and why he needs to continue to rely on God every day. He claims to have three options in his life: 1) locked up, 2) covered up, or 3) sobered up. That is, he can either remain sober or his drinking will get him arrested or killed. I’ve heard enough stories to recognize that lust is the same way. I know men who are in jail because their lusts led them to do illegal things. I also know of men whose lusts have killed them, either because their lust led them to act out sexually and get a disease or because it put them in dangerous circumstances and got them killed by a pimp, prostitute, an irate husband, or even an angered mistress. Anybody remember what happened to Steve McNair a few years ago? I also know of some men whose lust became so overpowering they thought the only way out was suicide. I’m very thankful that my lusts haven’t taken me where some have gone…yet. And I add that “yet” purposefully. Because none of the men I’ve talked to whose lusts have ruined their lives thought they would do some of the things they did. I’ve learned that I can’t control and enjoy a little lust. If I give into it at all, it will take me places I didn’t think I would ever go. In fact, it has already done that. How does lust affect me? It gives me only three choices: Locked up, covered up, or sobered up. So today, I want to rely on God instead of hanging out in lust.

What Do I Do About It?

I’ve thought about gouging out my eyes. But I was afraid that would seriously hinder every other aspect of my life. So, I’ve pursued some other options.

First, I’ve decided to quit thinking that it’s the immodest women’s fault (though, I sure wish they would cut me some slack). In other words, women need to be modest because it is the right thing to do, not simply because it causes me problems. I’m sure some women are thinking, “Man, that guy has a problem.” And they are right. I do have a problem. Immodest women also have a problem, but I can’t do anything about their problem. I can only work on me. Lust is my problem and through Jesus, I need to overcome it. As long as I blame immodest women, I’m going to continue in my problem. That would be a lot like blaming Chinese buffets for my gluttony. So, some time ago, I decided the person I needed to work on was me. I need to clean up my side of the immodesty/lust street. While there are passages on immodesty for women (e.g. I Timothy 2:9-10; I Peter 3:3-4), Matthew 5:28 is not one of them. That passage is about me. I’m not supposed to lust no matter how women dress. That is what I have to work on today.

Second, I’ve decided I can’t overcome on my own. As Paul said in Romans 7:24-25, I can’t deliver me from my body of death. Only God can do that through Jesus Christ. So, I do everything I can to consciously connect with God, recognizing that only He provides the victory.

So, I pray. I start my day praying that God will protect me from my own lust. Psalm 141:3-5 is a guide for this prayer. I ask God to do whatever it takes to keep me from lust today, even if it means letting the righteous smite me. I also love to pray Psalm 139:23-24. I ask God to search in every nook and cranny of my heart to find every grievous way there is and cleanse them from me so I can walk in His everlasting way.

I pray through the day, practicing what I call, walking in God’s presence. That is, I talk to God as if He is walking along with me. I tell Him what I’m thinking, what choices I’m making, what choices I just made, asking Him permission to do what I’m thinking about. I’ve found it is really hard to look down a woman’s blouse if I’m asking God for permission. I wish I used this tool more consistently. It really helps when I walk in God’s presence.

In the moment of temptation, when I catch myself looking and lusting, I pray a prayer I read some time ago, “Lord, let me find in You whatever it is I’m looking for in _____________________.” I know there is some hole I’m trying to fill in my life by escaping into the fantasy world of lust. I’ve also learned that going into that world never fills the hole. Only God can. So I ask Him to help me figure out what the hole behind the lust really is and ask His strength to help me let Him fill it. As Psalm 18:1-3 says, God needs to be my refuge, not lust and fantasy.

Additionally, I start praying for the person that triggered my lust. I pray for her blessing, I pray for her husband or potential husband, her kids, her hopes, her dreams, her forgiveness. If her immodesty is an obvious you-can’t-miss-it plea to be noticed sexually, I pray for whatever it is that makes her think she is only worthwhile if she dresses like that. I realize she must be a hurting person and pray for those hurts to be healed. I pray that I can be a blessing in her life, a giver rather than a taker. I pray for anything I can about her to remind me that she is a person and not a piece of candy for my eyes or a piece of meat for my fantasies later.

In addition to praying, I spend time connecting to God through helpful literature. Obviously, that begins with the Bible. But I no longer read the Bible with the mindset of thinking, “Maybe if I read my Bible more, I’ll be strong enough.” I’ve learned I won’t ever be strong enough. I’ll only be strong when I know how weak I am, because that will cause me to rely on God’s strength instead of my own (II Corinthians 12:7-10). I spend time in God’s Word to connect to His strength. Since every part of the armor of God in Ephesians 6:14-17 is connected to God’s Word, it stands to reason that immersing myself in God’s words of life will help.

One thing that has really been helping me lately is scripture memorization. Certainly, that helps because as I hide God’s word in my heart, I won’t sin against Him (Psalm 119:11). But also because I’ve started working on scripture memorization during those boring times, like when I’m driving or walking. Now my mind has something to focus on that is true, lovely, of good report instead of drifting into fantasy. I’ve learned that if I have problems with obsessing about things when I’m distracted or bored, at least I can direct that obsessive thinking to something constructive.

In addition to the Bible, I also read literature that is specifically designed to help me grow. I read literature that challenges me to rely on God, that challenges me to grow, that gives me good advice for growth. I especially read literature that deals specifically with lust and sexual sins. There are plenty of books out there written to give men insight into why lust is a problem and how to overcome. Even though these books aren’t inspired, I view them as God placing good counselors in my path to help me overcome by His strength (Proverbs 11:14).

Finally, I connect to God by connecting to other people. I have friends that I have been completely and 100% honest with about all my struggles. I’m glad to say that Nathan is one of those people. I especially have friends that I call when I’m tempted and triggered. I have friends I can call to lay out on the table exactly what I saw and what it made me think. I’ve found if I try to stuff it inside and deal with it myself, I just end up obsessing about it. However, if I go ahead and shed the light on it by sharing it with someone else, the darkness usually goes away. Of course, there have been some times that I’ve had to make multiple calls before it went away.

I’ve also learned that the issue is not simply lust. I’ve learned that lust is usually a reaction to other issues. Sometimes things have been going great in the battle against lust and I begin to think that I am not ever going to have a problem again and then bang, out of nowhere I’ve crumbled on the battlefield. Then I start doing a debrief and realize that the real problem wasn’t lust. In some cases lust was just the reaction to a resentment I had over something with my wife. Or it was a reaction to a frustration I was feeling with a brother in Christ. Or it was a reaction to stress and pressure in my work. I’ve learned there is a better way to deal with all of those things. Phone a friend, it really is a lifeline.

So, my first line of defense is to quit blaming others. My second is to connect to God. My third line of defense is to cut off my hand and pluck out my eye (cf. Matthew 5:29-30). Not literally; but I’ve learned there are some shows (CSI: Miami), some songs (Nickelback’s “Rockstar”), some places (magazine aisles) that tend to have people or things that trigger my lust. As much as I can, I cut them out. I’m not saying you have to cut them out, they may not trigger your lust. But they do mine. So I’ve had to cut them out. However, I do have a request. I can’t cut out the church’s assembly. So, sisters, while it is my problem and I have to clean up my side of the street, I sure could use some help. Please dress modestly when you are getting together with the church. I tend to think that ought to be a place where I can safely go and find help, not find more of the battle.

Wrapping Up

Okay, I could write a book on this stuff. In fact, if you’ve read all of this, you probably are thinking, “He did write a book.” But that’s how sick I’ve been in my life. The great thing is I know that God is giving me progressive victory over all of this. My troubles aren’t what they used to be. At the same time, I’ll only keep having victory as I keep relying on God instead of me. If I quit relying on Him, I’ll just go back to being dominated by lust. So there you have it. Hope I haven’t said too much. And I hope I still have a job this Sunday. We’ll see.

What are your thoughts on modesty and lust? What do you do to overcome? Add your input by clicking the following link: Comments

And now it is time to work up the courage to hit “Publish.” Here goes.

Let’s face it, we are people in our families. That means we mess up. We make mistakes. We sin against each other. We do wrong. When that is the case, what should we do next?

Apologize.

But let me encourage you to do more than simply say I’m sorry. It is so easy to say, “I’m sorry,” and not consider what we mean. For what are we sorry? Are we sorry we got caught? Are we sorry they didn’t like what we did? Are we sorry if it upset them? Are we sorry they are mad at us?

Instead of justing saying, “I’m sorry,” take personal responsibility. Consider some other things you can say that really drive home what you ought to be meaning:

1. “What I did was wrong.”
2. “I had no right to do what I did.”
3. “There is no justification for the way I acted.”
4. “I shouldn’t have done that, I won’t do that again.”

You get the idea that this is more than just rolling off a trite phrase. This is about recognizing we did something wrong no matter how the person we are apologizing to has acted.

Further, if we have done wrong, we have driven a wedge in the relationship and it needs to be reconciled. But that can only happen if the person you wronged is willing to offer you mercy. Therefore, don’t just say, “I’m sorry.” Ask them to reconcile the relationship. “Will you forgive me?”

But remember two things about this. First, when you are asking for forgiveness you are saying you sinned. You didn’t just make a mistake. You didn’t just flub up. You sinned. Therefore, asking for forgiveness must not become another trite phrase to just try to cover up what you did. Second, you are asking for mercy. You can’t ask for forgiveness and then demand it be done. If the person owed it to you, then it wouldn’t be mercy.

“Oh, but Edwin,” someone cries, “God commands that they forgive me.” It is true that God’s children are called to forgive. But that is something they owe God. It is not something they owe you. You are not the one to get to make that demand on them. They don’t owe you anything.

Is there anything in any of your family relationships that has driven a wedge between you? Why not step up to the plate, take your personal responsibility, apologize for your wrong, and seek forgiveness. Don’t get distracted by what they did to you, clean up your side of the street.

The following video is allegedly the answering machine for a school in Australia. I’m pretty sure that is not true. However, I think the point about personal responsibility is great.

I will admit that I’m not quite as harsh about the different languages point at the end, but we’ll overlook that to have fun with the rest of the message.

Enjoy!

I recently read a very interesting book that provided an intriguing look at growing up, maturing (wait for it…wait for it… yes, here it is, an associate link: The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you). I’ve already looked at the infant stage and the child stage of maturity, today, we want to look at the adult stage (ages 13-birth of the first child).

The Adult Stage (13 to birth of first child)

The infant staged was marked by complete neediness. The infant neither knows what it needs or how to express its needs. Someone else has to provide for the baby’s needs. The infant moves into the childhood stage as he learns to take care of himself. The child learns how to express needs, wants and feelings. However, the only person the child is capable of caring for is self. “You will know when a person has graduated from the child level of maturity to the adult level because he will shift from a being a self-centered child to a both-centered adult. While a child needs to learn me-centered fairness (how do I make it fair for me), an adult learns we-centered fairness (how do I make it fair for us)” (pp. 21-22). If it seems that in any given relationship you have to give more, listen more, tolerate more to maintain the relationship then the other person is likely still in the child stage. By the same token, if  you spend most of your relationships complaining about how everyone else doesn’t seem to give you what you need, perhaps you are seeing a need to work on maturity in your own life. That is especially the case if you are complaining about your kids not giving enough. Sadly, in too many cases we have children in adult bodies, expecting adults in children’s bodies to provide their needs for them. That is dysfunction at its height. Yet, many of us are blinded to it because of our own immaturity.

There are 6 personal tasks each person must accomplish in the adult stage of maturity to move on to the next level:

1. The adult learns to care for self and others simultaneously in mutually satisfying relationships.
2. The adult learns to remain stable in difficult situations, and learns how to return self and others to joy.
3. The adult learns to bond with peers and develops a group identity.
4. The adult learns to take responsibility for how personal actions affect others, including protecting others from self.
5. The adult learns to contribute to the community; learns how to articulate “who we are” as part of belonging to the community.
6. The adult learns to express the characteristics of his or hear heart in a deepening personal style (p. 31).

The adult accomplishes these tasks as his or her family and community accomplishes the following tasks respectively:

1. The family and community provides opportunities for the adult to participate in group life.
2. The family and community affirms that the adult will make it through difficult times.
3. The family and community provides positive environment where peers can bond.
4. The family and community teaches adults that their behaviors impact others and impact history.
5. The family and community provides opportunities to be involved in important community tasks.
6. The family and community holds the adult accountable while still accepting and affirming the aspects of his or her true self (p. 31).

As you can see, adulthood is the time when we learn how to relate well to others. Adulthood is when we learn how to care for others as well as ourselves. As infants, we were dependent. As children, we learn independence. As adults, we learn interdependence. 

As a community or a family, we must learn to provide the opportunities for the adult to practice interdependence. I think this is a struggle for most North American communities because we prize independence so much. We think we are promoting maturity, when actually we are locking people into immaturity.

Stuck in Adulthood

If we do not learn these lessons of maturity, there are some pretty significant dysfunctions that develop in our lives. If we cannot accomplish the task of caring for others along with self, we remain self-centered. Other people will always be dissatisfied with us, they will be frustrated with us. Our relationships will never deepen. We’ll never be able to have truly mutually deep relationships. What an impact not learning these lessons will have in marriage. Do you think perhaps this is the reason the divorce rate is so high these days?

If we never learn to hang on to stability and return to joy despite what we face, we’ll learn instead to conform to peer pressures. We’ll rely on negative and destructive group activities. Is it any wonder that gangs become popular for young adults. They aren’t learning to have personal stability or to find stability from God, so they get involved in groups that seem to provide some kind of stability and identity. Of course, the other potential problem is not bonding with any group and becoming a loner, isolating, having a huge sense of self-importance. We’ll think we can handle everything on our own and cause damage in all our relationships.

If we cannot learn to take personal responsibility for our own actions and how our actions impact others, we can become controlling, manipulative, blaming, harmful. We crash through life without concern for who is in our path. This includes damage inflicted on spouses and even children, not to mention co-workers, neighbors, fellow church members. All we can think about is ourselves and what we aren’t getting. We will never stop to think what others are facing and how our actions impact them. We only think about how they impact us and we become users and manipulators.

If we cannot learn to contribute to the community, we become a drain on the community. There doesn’t seem to be much in between ground here. We are either uplifting or we are down-dragging. We are either adding life to our family and community or we are sucking life out of it.

Finally, if we cannot learn to express who we are and the God-given characteristics of our heart, we’ll never have the self-confidence to live the way God has designed us. Instead, we’ll constantly be trying to fill roles that others have developed for us. We’ll spin our wheels trying to prove ourselves to the world, to our peers, to the “judges” of our community. We will constantly hang on the approval of others and even become willing to sell out on our values to get it (p. 31).

If you are like me, you may have thought just getting to adulthood is good enough, learning the childhood lessons ought to be fine. However, if we wish to have personal fulfillment and be beneficial to our families and communities (neighborhood, church, work) we need to keep working on maturing.

The Spiritual Application For Individuals

We’re not done growing. We’ve learned what we need as Christians. We’ve learned how to express our needs. We’ve learned how we fit in the big picture of Christianity, our congregation, our community. We’ve even learned to take care of ourselves. But God didn’t save us through Jesus so we could take care of ourselves. God saved us so we could be a blessing to others. God saved us so we can learn to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). 

This is where our faith really gets tested. During infancy and childhood, we may think there aren’t any problems out there in the Christian world. We may develop idealistic notions that as long as we do what is right, everything will just work out. But that is not how it works. Satan attacks. Others falter. Personalities clash. Immaturity causes dysfunction. We continue to struggle with issues we think should have been overcome early on. We can become disillusioned with Christ and His church and even our own growth. We need to learn that daily problems doesn’t mean something is wrong. It just means we are growing. We are in a process. Things will work out. That is the promise God is explaining in Romans 8:28-30. We need to learn confidence in God that He is working on our behalf. That will help us have stability and continued growth.

We need to learn to overcome isolation. That is going to mean sharing our secrets with other Christians (James 5:16). That’s going to mean spending time with our brethren even when the church hasn’t planned something. Did you notice that the very first Christians didn’t just meet in congregational assemblies, they also met from house to house (Acts 2:46). That wasn’t a church planned activity. Those were individual Christians opening their homes and developing relationships instead of isolating on their own.

We have to learn to contribute to the church community. This is so much more than learning to lead a public prayer or teach a Bible class. Look at the example of Tabitha in Acts 9:36-43. Here was a woman, probably single, perhaps a widow. Did she wait for the church to ask her to participate in some congregationally planned service activity? No. She saw a need and she filled it. She made garments for those in need. She didn’t do everything, but she did what she could. She didn’t serve everyone, but she served who she could. She didn’t wait to be asked. She just served. She contributed. What I can’t help but notice is that James, an apostle, was killed in Acts 12. The disciples mourned and buried him. Stephen, an evangelist and a deacon (I believe), was killed in Acts 7. The disciples mourned and buried him. Tabitha, who held no office and wasn’t seemingly a “major player” in the church, dies and the disciples call in Peter and say, “Something has to be done about this.” The others were laid to rest and Tabitha was brought back to keep on serving. Perhaps this tells us how important this part of our maturity really is.

Don’t give up. Keep on growing spiritually.

The Spiritual Application for Congregations

We might think if Christians grow through infancy and then make it through spiritual childhood, they’re good. We can leave them on their own to progress. Not so. Certainly, as adults, they are responsible for their maturity. However, as a church we need to help them mature. We need to provide the opportunities they need to progress in spiritual adulthood, or they’ll get locked into spiritual adolescence. Sadly, I think numerous churches suffer because they are filled with a lot of Christians who never get passed spiritual puberty. They’re locked in the awkward stage of gaining independence but not knowing how to deal with interpersonal relationships. They never learn how to be a productive part of the church family. They can answer the doctrinal questions right. They can challenge error. They can even sometimes think for themselves and see where we need to make changes. However, they don’t know how to express that. They don’t understand how their inappropriate expressions destroy relationships. We need to help with that.

What are we doing for the growing Christians to be part of the group life? Don’t just think in terms of the assemblies. Sadly, as I pointed out in the last stage, we often do great and having training classes on how to lead public prayers and give talks. But what about being really involved in the community of the congregation. What are we doing to help these growing Christians be a contributing factor in the lives of the other saints around them? Are we teaching them how to encourage others? What about hospital visits? Visiting the shut-ins? What about teaching them to contribute to the secular community? Sadly, most churches today are taking the easy road. Instead of teaching the growing Christians to provide contribution to the world around them, they just take up a weekly collection and then let the church contribute to the secular community. I don’t believe that is the church’s job. The church needs to teach growing Christians how to contribute to the society around them.

What are we doing to encourage growing Christians to develop community with other growing Christians? Do we do much more than our assemblies? The question is not of churches providing social time for the members. The point is for more mature Christians to take less mature Christians under their wings and bring them into relationships with others. The problem is all too often we don’t have the more mature Christians. We just have a bunch of adolescent Christians clamoring for someone else to do something and provide something for them. We don’t have to get involved in unscriptural activities for the local church in order to accomplish this. We simply have to step outside our “we’ve never done anything like that” box and creatively consider scriptural options to get growing Christians together.

Finally, what are we doing to help growing Christians really see how their unique gifts can benefit the congregation and benefit the kingdom? Too often we simply preach guilt building lessons that make people feel bad because they are doing some thing or the other. What if instead we spent that time to find what people are gifted for and encourage them in those areas? What if instead of sweeping with broad brushes and expecting everyone to be Stepford Christians, we learn to accept folks as individuals with quirks and struggles, but with gifts and talents and learn to help them capitalize on their strengths instead of feeling guilty for their weaknesses?

Do you think we and our brethren would grow if we took this approach? Do you think churches would grow if they took this approach?

Discussion

Tell me what you think. Does this sound a like a legitimate step of maturity? How do you think we can unstick ourselves if we are stuck in this level? Do we need to be concerned about it at all?

I find it easy to obsess about other people, especially my family members. When I say I obsess, I mean it is easy to obsess over their mistakes, their problems, their struggles. It is even easy for me to obsess over their potential mistakes. I want to figure out how I can behave to keep them from making mistakes or to keep them from enduring major consequences of their mistakes. I get enmeshed offering unsolicited advice, working behind the scenes to get others to act in a way that produces the results I think are best, trying to control whatever I think I can to make things in their life go the way I want them to, measuring every word carefully to manipulate them to do what I think is best. 

Please understand, this is not about me getting what I want. I can assure you. I really think I have their best interests at heart. I want what is best for them. Of course, oddly enough, usually what is best for them is pretty good for me too. That is probably a different discussion. I simply want you to understand that this is all out of love. I love my kids and my wife. I don’t want them to suffer because of mistakes. Sometimes, I convince myself that if I were to behave just right, I can keep them from ever making any and, therefore, they’ll never have to suffer any pain.

This can especially happen with my spouse or my children.  No matter how much stress it adds to my life, I take great pains to try to control and manipulate circumstances, other people, and them to accomplish what I think is best for them. (Oddly enough, I’ve noticed that this mindset actually makes it very easy for others to manipulate me as well, as they play into my desire to have everything be a certain way.) I have a verse that tells me to do that. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). It’s my job to bear their burdens. They make mistakes and I have to be involved. Or, I tell myself, if I’m not involved they’ll make mistakes. I have to keep them from that. Oh yes, it’s a burden for me. But God says I have to do it. Aren’t I such a wonderfully spiritual person, willing to bear all these burdens that everyone else in my family has?

But wait, what about Galatians 6:5? “For each will have to bear his own load.” What about that verse? What is going on here. Paul says we should bear the loads of others, but then says we each must bear our own. How can he say both? 

I’m not a great language scholar. I’ve read the attempts of some to explain how these two verses are talking about different things, two different kinds of burdens because the words translated “burden” and “load” are different. Perhaps they are, but even after reading the different definitions and the explanations, I have trouble seeing that difference. Instead, I think this is one of those paradoxes that Paul likes to use. He tells us two things that seem to be completely opposite and yet both are true. Believing both and using them to guide us helps us understand how we should live.

When my kids or spouse are struggling under a load, should I be there to help them lift it? Sure. But is it my load? No, it isn’t. Sadly, I like to live in extremes. I either want to ignore everyone completely and tell them to go worry about everything themselves, I have no responsibility here, it’s not my burden (I like to minimize this by calling it tough love). Or, I’ll live as if their problem is mine and I absolutely have to fix it or the world and our relationship will collapse, not to mention everyone else will look down on me because someone connected to me is less than perfect (this is what we call enmeshment and codependence). Instead of living in these extremes with my family (or anyone else for that matter), I need to learn to live with Paul’s two concepts in my head, heart, and hands. Should I be a servant to others? Absolutely. Should I let myself be crushed under the weight of everyone else’s burdens? Absolutely not.

When my daughter has trouble with her friends, should I come alongside as a loving parent, guiding her in how to properly relate to friends? Should I listen as she bears her soul and expresses her feelings? Of course I should do these things. However, should I make her problems mine, living in fear that her friends’ parents aren’t going to like me because she’s having trouble with her friends? Should I go behind the scenes to talk to her friends myself and try to fix the relationship? Should I call up her friends’ parents and try to get them to fix their daughters so my daughter can have a good relationship? Not likely. That’s her relationship, not mine. That’s her burden, not mine. (Yes, I understand in dealing with young children like mine there is a place for parents to get together, but it should be to help the children learn how to work things out, not to fix the kids and definitely not to fix someone else’s kids.) You know, to be honest, I have enough burdens of my own to be heaping the guilt and shame of everyone else’s burdens on there too.

I could give example after example of this. What I learn is that I should be there to help lift up my family when they have burdens. But their burdens are not mine. I don’t have to live like they are. I don’t have to live in fear that I’m bad because they have burdens. I don’t have to bear the guilt of their mistakes. I don’t have to rush around trying to cover up their mistakes or remove the consequences of them. I don’t have to be the image consultant to make sure they look good, so I’ll continue to look good. I don’t have to beat myself up trying to be perfect so they’ll be perfect to because of me. I’ll be there to help where I can help, but those are their burdens and we each have to carry our own load.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the #1 reason you should own a dog. That reason was that walking the dog helps provide a pause button before you blow up with anger. The problem is, even after writing that, I don’t alway remember to go walk the dog.

Last week I blew up at my daughter, Tessa, ironically enough about the dog. When I say I blew up, I mean volcanic eruption. Yelling, hateful speech, belittling and hurting. It was so awful, her only response was to break down in tears. That broke my heart. To know that I was the cause of such sadness and pain kills me. The problem is that it is too late to take it back. The damage has been done. However, just because the damage has been done doesn’t mean I just ask for God’s forgiveness and move on without looking back.

Matthew 5:23-24 says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” What was sacrifice for under the Old Covenant? It wasn’t just an act of worship. Sacrifice was the means by which the Jews became reconciled with God for their sins. What then is Jesus saying? He’s saying that before I strive to be reconciled with God over some sin of mine, I need to reconcile with the person against whom I sinned. I can’t sin against people all day and then think a nightly prayer of confession wipes my slate clean. I need to be busy reconciling.

When I blew up at Tessa, I immediately knew I had done wrong. (I don’t treat that lightly. There was a time when I didn’t recognize that blowing up at my children was wrong. This immediate recognition is progress for me.) Within two minutes I had apologized. However, my apology went something like this, “Tessa, I’m sorry I blew up at you. But I’m just so tired of you arguing with me. You have to quit arguing with me and disrespecting me. I’m the parent in this relationship and you are supposed to do what I tell you without backtalking.”

Can you already see the problem? Sure, I said the words, “I’m sorry.” But I didn’t apologize. I didn’t seek amends. I didn’t reconcile. I actually just used those words to start another harangue on my daughter. I didn’t take responsibility for my actions. Rather, I admitted I had done something wrong but placed the responsibility on Tessa. The “apology” was more about what I thought she had done wrong than what I knew I had done wrong.

Sadly, my conviction on this flawed apology was a little bit slower in coming. It took all day for this conviction to come. (As a side note, this happened last Tuesday morning, which may explain why I was in no mood to get last week’s post up on a Springboard for Your Family.)

However, when I got home last week after our gospel meeting with Terry Francis, I pulled Tessa aside and offered a true apology, amends, reconciliation. Here is essentially what I said.

“Tessa, I need to offer you an apology. This morning when you argued with me, I blew up at you. That was wrong of me. I’m sorry. Then I offered an apology that wasn’t really an apology but actually a justification. I really blamed you for my sin. I do think you were wrong for arguing with me and disrespecting with me. But my angry outburst was not your fault. I acted like you were to blame when I was the one who blew up. Your arguing and my blowing up were two different things. I’m sorry for blowing up at you and I’m sorry for blaming you. I don’t want you to think you were at fault for my sin. Will you please forgive me?” She said yes and we hugged.

Please notice some things here that will help as we strive to reconcile with folks.

1) Take personal responsibility.

My angry outburst was mine. It wasn’t Tessa’s. Did she do something wrong? Sure. But that was hers and not mine. It doesn’t matter what anyone else does, I’m not given permission to sin. Therefore, when I’m seeking forgiveness and reconciliation I must not shift the responsibility to anyone else. When I do, I’m not really apologizing.

2) State the sin/wrong/hurt.

Many times, I want to gloss over my wrongs by just offering some kind of general apology or plea for reconciliation. However, if I really want reconciliation, I won’t gloss over but I will validate the other person’s feelings of hurt and anger by stating exactly what I did. I blew up. I justified. I acted like I was apologizing when I wasn’t. The way I avoided this in my second apology (first real apology) was to actually state all the sins I had committed, all the hurts I had administered. This showed that I really had thought about what I had done. I really did have remorse about the hurt. 

Before someone cries, “Wait a minute, God never said I had to list all the hurts,” let me make a comment. I’m not trying to write a 5-step plan for being forgiven by God so you can go to heaven. I’m writing what I’ve learned actually helps me reconcile with others. God did say you needed to reconcile with those you had wronged. I’ve learned this helps accomplish what God has asked of us.

3) State that it was a sin.

Certainly, sometimes I make errors in judgment or mistakes. When that is all I’ve done, that is all I need to admit to. However, when I’ve actually sinned (and wrathful outbursts and clamoring really are sins even when they are directed toward my children–Ephesians 4:31), I need to admit what I did. I shouldn’t minimize it. I shouldn’t play it down. I need to call a spade a spade and a sin a sin. Otherwise, I’m still not really apologizing and reconciling, am I?

4) Don’t demand the other apologize.

Tessa did wrong with her disrespectful argument and disobedience. But that didn’t need to be dealt with as I apologized for my sin. The fact is my apology would come off as manipulative if it appeared like my apology was actually fishing for Tessa to offer how own apology for her wrongs.

Don’t misunderstand, if someone has sinned against you, you should talk to them about it. I’m just saying the midst of your own apology is not the place to do it.

5) Ask for forgiveness.

When I’ve sinned, what I need most is forgiveness. I didn’t need to simply apologize and move on. I needed to put the ball in Tessa’s court. As much as it depends on me, I should be at peace with all people (Romans 12:18). That means I need to do my part. My part is to recognize my wrong, apologize, and seek forgiveness. When I’ve done that, then as far as it depends on me, I’m living peaceably with others.

6) Don’t act like forgiveness is owed.

You can’t see this point in my actual words, but rather in the omission of words. Fortunately, Tessa immediately agreed to forgive me. We hugged and moved on in our relationship. But what if she hadn’t forgiven me? What if she had said, “Dad, if this were the first time, I would forgive you. But this is the 100th time that I can recall. I’m just not ready to forgive you right now. Maybe later.” How should I respond?

This is a tough one for Christians because we immediately want to bring out Luke 17:3-4. “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in a day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” When we’ve done wrong and the other person is not forgiving us, we like to hammer him/her with this passage. But think through this for a moment.

If I’m asking Tessa for forgiveness, I’m asking for mercy. I’m asking for something I haven’t earned. Something that by definition she is not obligated by our relationship to give me. The problem is we Christians are often like little children and the word “Please.” When trying to teach my children manners and how to use the word “please,” we always hit a phase in which the child thinks that because they said “please” they are owed what they asked for. We tend to think that because we said, “I’m sorry; will you please forgive me,” the other person owes it to us and we start bludgeon them with the Bible when they are reluctant.

Here’s the problem. Should Tessa forgive me? Absolutely. But not because of me. She doesn’t owe me. She owes God. If she refused to forgive me, is that a problem. Absolutely. But that is between her and God, not between her and me. Should someone hold her accountable to God’s standard of forgiveness. Absolutely. But that is not my place. If I act like I’m owed this forgiveness I’m asking for, then I’m not actually asking for forgiveness am I. Forgiveness, by definition, is something not owed to me. 

If Tessa had trouble forgiving me, instead of holding Luke 17:3-4 over her head, I need to apologize again for setting a stumbling block before her. I sinned against her so badly that she is finding it hard to submit to God’s will. Far from acting like the truly spiritual one, I need to humbly make reconciliation for that further sin on my part.

I really hate to share this huge flub on my part. I’d rather get to come off as one of those guys who has done it all right and if you would just be like me you could do it all right too. Regrettably, that is just not the role God is letting me play. Instead, I hope you can learn from my school of hard knocks so you don’t have to go through them.

I know I said I usually don’t like those videos that has someone playing Jesus or God. But, here’s another one that I thought really hit the nail on the head.

This reminds me of what a friend once said about Romans 12:1-2 and the living sacrifice. “What is the problem with a living sacrifice?” “I don’t know.” “It keeps crawling off the altar.”

Check out the video and give Jesus the stool.

Today, we have a special treat. Mark Broyles, gospel preacher and president of InLight, Inc., has graced us with a great heads up on making our marriages work. Mark will be hosting two marriage retreats in 2010, one in Chattanooga, Tennessee, the other in Howey-in-the-Hills, Florida (apparently, that’s a real place). Make sure you check out the website for his retreats. By the way, these aren’t associate links. I’m not getting a penny out of this. I just want you to know about it, because, as you can see from the article, you can get some real help for your marriage from this guy.

Thanks for the guest post, Mark.

Enjoy the article everyone.

The Top Two Hindrances to Making Marriage Work

How do you make a marriage work?  Maybe a better question would be – how do you work to make a marriage?  As with any worthwhile endeavor work is the factor that is most vital to success.  However, in marriage we often expect success with very little effort.  In Ephesians 5, Paul instructs husbands to love their wives and wives to submit to and respect their husbands—instructions based on the God given needs of both. Easy words but frequently complicated concepts and applications. Two problems seem to be most prevalent in causing these needs to remain unmet and therefore preventing the marriage from thriving the way God intended.

 First, we are ignorant.  It sounds harsh but it is true. Have you ever found yourself either thinking or saying, “I never realized you felt that way” or “I didn’t know it meant that much to you”?  Ignorance of my spouse’s real needs will almost certainly mean they will largely go unmet. We understand that we are to love our wives and to respect our husbands but how exactly do we do that? Not only are their needs different but also the method of fulfilling those needs.  I know what I like, want, and need for fulfillment.  That knowledge comes to me naturally with no real effort required, but the needs of my spouse are not nearly so easy to understand.  Ignorance may not be easy to admit but it is easily corrected.  Whatever I am ignorant about only requires that I put forth effort to study and learn.  Marriage is no different.  In the seminars we have presented on marriage the last ten years one of the most evident truths is the lack of real effort of husbands and wives to use the resources available to better understand their spouse.  There are some wonderful resources based on God’s principles to help us understand our spouse’s perspective.  Read, attend classes, and ask your spouse! How much effort are you putting forth to really understand your husband or wife?

Second, we are selfish.  Once we know what our spouse truly needs we must be willing to devote ourselves to fulfilling that need.  Selfishness is the problem of all mankind including husbands and wives.  Jesus taught often, even those who were closest to Him, that we must serve others rather than seeking to be served ourselves (John 13). That is never easy.  I like me. I like to be comfortable, satisfied, and fulfilled.  When I am tired, uncomfortable, aggravated, over stressed, or underappreciated it becomes even more difficult to focus on my spouse.  When our thoughts are focused on what our spouse needs to do to fulfill our needs then we have departed from the mindset of Christ.  The commands in Ephesians 5 are independent of one another.  Each of us has the same role in marriage. That role is to glorify God by devoting ourselves to fulfilling our spouse’s needs.  Where would we be if Christ was only as focused on serving us as we are on serving our spouse?  How hard will you work to forget self to fulfill your spouse?

The key to a happy healthy relationship in marriage is to learn each other’s unique needs and strive to meet them to the fullest of your potential.  

(P.S. Don’t forget to check out the website for InLight’s marriage retreats.)

I’m usually not very fond of the videos where someone plays God. Something about it often sets me on edge. However, I’ve seen a couple lately that I really like. God’s Chisel was a great one. Here is another one posted by OneTime Blind. I think I like this one because that other character, the one whose not supposed to be God, reminds me way too much of me.

Time for some surrender. Enjoy.