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5 Keys for Pursuing the Actions of Love

June 23, 2009 in A Springboard for Your Family Life, Love, Personal Responsibility with 0 Comments

loving your wife 225x300 5 Keys for Pursuing the Actions of LoveWe’ve been learning about the importance of cleaning up our side of the street and four keys to accomplishing that goal. However, we can only keep our side of the street clean by pursuing actions of love in all our relationships. In fact, that was step 4 of keeping our side of the street clean.

The burning question is how? How do we pursue the actions of love in all our relationships. Let me share 5 keys that will help you pursue the actions of love in all your relationships.

Key #1: Give, don’t take.

Sadly, the number one way we junk up our side of the street is by taking from others. Perhaps we cheat someone in a business deal. Perhaps we lie to them to get our way. Perhaps we lust after them and store their image in our minds for our own purposes. Perhaps we manipulate them to get what we want. When we are bound by self we take and take and take. We may never actually steal something physically from them, but we are taking from others all the time.

All the stuff we take goes somewhere. It goes right on our side of the street. How do we get rid of all that? Change the very nature of our relationships. Instead of viewing others for what we can get from them, we need to see what we can give to them. We need to give and not take. 

Give time. Give support. Give love. Give prayers. Give money. Give material things. Give honesty. Give honor. Give credit. Give whatever you can, to whoever you can, whenever you can.

Key #2: Serve, don’t rule

Too many of us walk around like despots of our own little kingdom, acting as if everyone in our family, on our job, at our school, in our neighborhood is here to support and serve us. When we do, relationships run amok. Our street is junked up by all the wounded people we have tread on in our attempts to be the king of the hill.

Taking the actions of love means serving instead of ruling. Taking the actions of love means going out of our way to help others. When someone asks for help, don’t roll your eyes, exhale your frustration, or passive aggressively rebel. Just do it. Do it because you love them. View it as an excellent opportunity to show them you care.

But don’t always wait until they ask for help. Find ways you can serve. If you look around the house and see a mess, don’t get upset at everyone else who hasn’t cleaned up. Just clean up and show love. Is something broken? Don’t start a witch hunt to find the culprit, just fix it. Yes, yes, I do understand that while dealing with children there is a time to teach them about cleaning up and not breaking things. But even then, make sure your attitude is not one of getting vengeance on them, but rather one of serving them by helping them grow to maturity.

Key #3: Sacrifice

We take giving to a new level here. This means giving even when it hurts. This means taking of our own and giving to others. 

Maybe we don’t want to watch the game, go to the store, eat at that restaurant, watch the kids, etc. That is when we are really put to the test about pursuing the actions of love. When we go to the opposite of our selfish nature, we are going to be sacrificing a lot. We may not get everything we want. We may give up some of our precious time. We may not achieve all our desires. 

Jesus said the greatest love is to lay down our lives for a friend. That is the ultimate sacrifice. Many of us claim we would lay down our lives for our friends and family. Yet, we won’t even take the trash out for them. We won’t give up our favorite tv show to help them. We won’t take the time to drive across town to give them a lift. If we won’t give up a few minutes of our life for them, what makes us think we would give up our entire lives for them. 

Key #4: Acts as if

The hardest part is there are times when we just don’t feel the love for all these other people. Perhaps they have hurt us. Or perhaps our selfishness is just kicking in and instead of demonstrating love we’d rather lick our wounds, defend ourselves, pursue our rage. This is time for one of those great pieces of advice that helps in numerous ways. Act as if. 

Act as if you loved them. In other words, don’t act the way you feel. Stop and ask, “If I actually loved this person, what would I do next?” Then do that, whether you feel it or not.

Good strong feelings of love will grow if you pursue the actions of love. If you are going to wait around for the right feeling, you are probably going to be in big trouble.

Key #5: Do all of this without expectations

Here is the real clincher that makes any and all of this a true action of love. Do it without expectations. If you are only doing these things because you expect something in return, you are pursuing actions of manipulation, not love.

Fix the leaky faucet without expecting a thank you. Cook supper and clean up the kitchen without expecting accolades of praise. Offer praise and honor to others without expecting them to return the favor. Guys, clean up after the kids without expecting your wife to pay you back in the bedroom later. Pursue the actions of love without expecting everyone else to pursue actions of love with you.

I have no doubt that in most cases, when you pursue actions of love, you relationships will improve. You will be noticed. You will be praised. But if that is the only reason you are doing these things, it will be short lived. It will be especially short lived because you won’t likely make it out of the phase in which everyone else is saying, “What on earth do you want?” At first, everyone will assume you are manipulating them. But if you keep it up because you weren’t expecting anything, some of your relationships will really change for the better.

A friend once told me that expectations are just premeditated resentment. The fact is, expectations are actually us working on someone else’s side of the street. We expect them to have a clean street. When they don’t we get bitter. Don’t go down that side of the road. Stay on your side.

Of course, I need to offer the caveat to those who are on the receiving end. Even though the one pursuing actions of love is not doing this to receive a thank you, be noticed, or get rewarded. You really should at least say thank you. If you don’t, then you aren’t pursuing actions of love, are you?

If you want great relationships, quit trying to fix everyone else. Clean up your side of the street. Pursue actions of love no matter what anyone else is doing. I can’t promise every relationship will be stellar. However, you will have the serenity of knowing that you are working on and growing in what is right.

4 Steps to Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street In All Your Relationships

May 26, 2009 in A Springboard for Your Family Life, Marriage, Personal Responsibility, Relationships, Shame with 0 Comments

coupledistant3 4 Steps to Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street In All Your RelationshipsLast week we talked about keeping our own side of the street clean. I know that sent some people over the edge. “But Edwin, you just don’t know my husband,” or “But Edwin, you just don’t know my wife.” Some folks went ballistic because they simply cannot see past their own victim mentality to ever notice their own wrong. “Oh, sure, I mean I mess up sometimes. I’m only human. But my spouse (kids, parents, friends, neighbors, co-workers, whatever) is so awful. Let me tell you the thousand ways my _________ is a jerk. How dare you suggest I should clean up my side of the street.”

And thus, the vicious cycle continues until the relationship is absolutely destroyed. Your marriage ends in divorce. Your parents ostracize you. Your kids abandon you. Your friends avoid you. Your boss fires you. No doubt, you continue to live in the absolute certainty that all of this is everyone else’s fault. It never occurs to you the only common denominator in your failed relationships is you.

Let me ask you, would you like to continue living in the certain miserable knowledge that you are the victim, that everyone else has done wrong, that you are not to blame for your failed relationships OR would you like to have some peace, serenity, and joy in your relationships and have your relationships continue to grow despite even hard times?

I know which one I want.  

Please, allow me to share with you…

4 Steps to Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street

1. Disregard the wrong others have done to you.

“Aaaaaaggggghhhh! What? How can you possibly say this? My spouse (parent, child, etc.) have done me so wrong I can hardly stand it.”

I have no doubt that is the case. We are all human. We live among humans. We have all wronged and been wronged. I’m sure you have been terribly wronged by others. Here is the question. Do two wrongs make a right? Does the fact that others have wronged you mean you now have the right to wrong them back? Are you really going to live your life like a 5-year-old screaming, “He hit me first”?

I have four children; a 12-year-old daughter, a 9-year-old son, a 7-year-old son, and an 18-month-old daughter. Do you know what drives me crazy with these kids the most? The picking at each other. “Dad, Tessa said it was my fault that _________” “Well, Dad, Ethan did _________, so I did __________, and I said ______________.” “Well, yeah, that was because Ryan did ________________.” “Dad, that’s not fair, Ethan and Tessa did ______________________.” Just thinking about it drives me nuts. 

Then it hits me. Why do these kids act like this? Some of it is because they are kids. But then again, some of it is because they see adults acting this way. I hate to admit it, but I have a terrible tendency of figuring out how everything is everyone else’s fault in the world. I hate to say that my kids have actually got to witness me acting the exact same way towards my wife, my brothers, my parents. I have to ask, am I 5 or 35? 

Don’t spend time blaming everyone else, “If they hadn’t done such and such, I wouldn’t have done such and such.” Is your wrong excused because of theirs? Do you ever stop to think that they are telling their friends the same things about you? 

Even if you really can fathom all the way back to the beginning of this rotten relationship cycle and do know the other person started it, are you really convinced the bitterness, resentment, and malice eating on your heart and soul are helping you be a better person or have a better relationship with them? Is that really where you want to spend the rest of your emotional days?

If you really want to break this cycle and start having better relationships, you need to disregard the wrong others have done to you.

1 1/2. Three caveats

First, since many of my readers are Christians, let me make something abundantly clear. This post is not about helping people grow in Christ or overcome sin and go to heaven. I’m talking about us working on us before we start working on others. Clearly, when others have sinned, we cannot simply dismiss it. We are to help others grow. However, please do not justify your personal blame and victim games as if what you are really concerned about is the other person being forgiven and going to heaven.

Second, I’m also not suggesting you be a doormat. I’m not saying if someone really has hurt you don’t ever say anything to them about it. Clearly, for relationships to work well we not only have to clean up our side of the street, but we have to learn how to express our feelings when we’ve really been hurt so we won’t harbor resentments. What I am saying is it is much easier and far more effective to talk to someone who has hurt you when you’ve gone the extra mile to clean up your side of the street in the relationship first.

Third, in some cases folks really have been truly innocent victims. While I believe victims of child abuse, rape, or other extreme crimes can benefit from what I’m sharing here, I am not about to set myself up as some kind of post-trauma specialist who can give you psychological advice. I encourage you to look for professional help to guide you through the emotional landmines of overcoming such treatment. 

2. Make a list of the wrongs you have done.

Do this on two levels. The first level is simply to remind yourself you have done your fair share of wrong in the history of the world. Let’s face it, there was only one perfect person in the history of mankind and you aren’t Him. Count your many sins and be reminded that you really don’t get to play the role of innocent victim in society.

The second level is to do this in context of very specific relationships. Think about your relationship with your parents. Instead of remembering all the bad things they did to you, think about the wrong you did. Make a list of the resentments, disobedience, disrespect, etc. that you did in the relationship. Think about your relationship with your spouse, with your kids, with your friends, etc. List what you did wrong.

Don’t discount things by saying, “Yeah, but I would never have done that if they hadn’t done such and such.” Remember, we are disregarding what they did. If what you did was wrong, the motivation that stemmed from the other person doesn’t matter. You are striving to purge the guilt and shame you feel and the only way to do that is to get to the bottom of what you did.

Of course, that last statement hits at the heart of our problem. You do feel guilt and shame, but you don’t like to. Therefore, your natural reaction is to deflect that guilt and shame. You want to put that on someone else. That is often why you build up your victim status. You may sedate the shame and guilt for a time, but it will always come back. Something inside you knows something is unresolved.

The only way to overcome the guilt and shame is to face it head on. Sit in those feelings and figure out why you’ve got them. You never will as long as you keep deflecting it to others. Yes, sometimes you’ll figure out you feel guilt and shame when you’ve done nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel those things. In many cases, however, you’ll figure out you were not the victim you like to think. you are guilty, and there is room for healthy shame.

Finally, a great big reason to take this step is because having listed these things, you still don’t think anyone else was justified for the wrong they did to you. You want them to judge you based on your intentions. You want them to realize that you have been spiritually, emotionally, or mentally unhealthy and instead of responding in kind, you wanted them to be patient with you and help you overcome. Shouldn’t you offer that same treatment to others. This can help you go back to step one and treat others the way you want to be treated. You can see them as people who are also growing emotionally, mentally, spiritually. They may have messed up royally, but you should offer them the same patience and compassion you have wanted when you messed up royally.

3. Apologize and make amends for your wrongs.

“No way! Apologize? Not on your life! Not until they apologize first!” 

Wait, you’re forgetting something. You’re disregarding what they have done. This is about cleaning up your side of the street. If their side of the street stays junky, that is their problem. You are working to make sure that as much as it depends on you, you are at peace with others. 

Don’t justify your wrongs. Don’t minimize your wrongs. Don’t explain away your wrongs. Apologize for your wrongs. This means explain that what you did was wrong. Explain why it was wrong. Explain how it harmed the relationship. Offer a sincere apology with an explanation that you are working to overcome whatever it was about you that led you to commit the wrong. 

Don’t make promises that you can’t keep like, “I promise, I’ll never, ever do it again.” Instead, let the other person know that you are committed to overcoming the wrong, that you are working on overcoming it, and you don’t plan to do it again. 

Now, here is the key. Cap it all off with a request for forgiveness. This is absolutely important. If they forgive you, it goes a long way to helping you forgive yourself. Granted, keep in mind you are asking for forgiveness. All the theological debates beside, if you are asking for forgiveness, you are asking for something you don’t deserve and they are not obligated to give you. However, if you have made the amends and asked for the forgiveness, you can take comfort you have now done all you can do to be at peace. Even if they refuse forgiveness, you can know you have recognized your wrongs and made amends as best you can.

If they don’t forgive you, don’t think you have done all this in vain. Taking these steps has helped you clear out a lot of your own mental, emotional, and spiritual junk. Even if the other person doesn’t let you have a relationship with them, you know you have cleaned up your side of the street and you can have serenity about it. Especially don’t revert back to old behavior. If you do, you are simply reinforcing to them why they shouldn’t have forgiven you. They were certain it was just a manipulation ploy, now they know they were right.

4. Pursue actions of love.

Now that you have cleaned up your side of the street, keep it clean by pursuing actions of love. I don’t want to say too much here because I am going to delve into this more in next Tuesday’s post. However, pursuing actions of love means doing those things you would do if you actually loved them. This is not holding out until they grant you forgiveness. This is not holding out until they start pursuing actions of love toward you. This means serving them because you love them, not because you are repaying them or because you owe them or because you are manipulating them.  This means bestowing compassion when they continue to harm you. This means being patient when they don’t behave exactly right. This means treating them the way you want to be treated, even when they mess up (as they most certainly will).

By the way, since this is all about cleaning up your side of the street and not about trying to get others to clean up theirs, if they don’t forgive you and they continue to mistreat you, you must continue to pursue the actions of love. Remember that two wrong don’t make a right. Their wrong is between them and God. Your job is to clean up your side of the street so your connection to God can be improved.

Understand, none of this is about getting what you want out of the relationship. None of this is about fixing the other person in the relationship. I do believe if you pursue these four steps the general response will be a great improvement in all your relationships. However, other people are involved. There is no accounting for those who refuse to pursue healthy relationships. When you have followed these four steps you may improve the relationship or you may not. What I guarantee you is as you pursue this course with more and more people in your life, your peace in your relationships will increase. You will grow. You will be a better person in all your relationships. You will face life more positively.

Start today. Pick a relationship and start cleaning up your side of the street. I suggest you start with your spouse.

Clean Up Your Side of the Street

May 19, 2009 in A Springboard for Your Family Life, Personal Responsibility, Relationships with 1 Comment

arguing couple Clean Up Your Side of the StreetIt happened again this weekend. Marita said something which angered me and I went ballistic. Now, don’t misunderstand, this is not Marita’s fault. I’ve learned that if I go ballistic, there is usually something internally with me that is not lining up right and to cover up for it, to deflect from it, or simply to justify it, I get heated and start going off. After all, it makes me feel better if I can make it look like it is everybody else’s fault, not mine. Hmmm. Wonder if that is where my kids get it from?

Anyway, once again I have a very tangible reminder that in the family, we all need to work on cleaning up our own side of the street. Don’t get me wrong, I understand there are times when we need to let others know when they’ve been walking all over us, hurt us, or been behaving inappropriately. However, when the rage is really coming on, especially when you can tell it is an overreaction, the problem is usually not the other person. It is usually us. We’ve got something going on causing discord internally. If we would just deal with it, the rage would dissipate.

So, here’s the plan of attack. The next time someone does something that really, really makes you angry. Stop and look at yourself. Are you deflecting away from some guilt or shame you are feeling on the inside? Do you feel some specific issue is being attacked within you? What is it? Is it some part about which you are ashamed? Is it your pride swelling up? The really tough part is after the fight, hurt, or whatever struggle has occurred and now you are wishing the other person would fess up with all the wrong they did, quit thinking about them. Take a look at you. What did you do to precipitate the problem? Go make amends for that.

I’m not saying the other person is completely innocent. It takes two to tango. However, you can’t control anyone else. You can’t fix your spouse, your kids, or your parents. You can’t make them do anything about any of the wrong they did. However, none of their wrong justifies yours. Therefore, without justification, excuse-making, or blaming, you need to look at your side of the street. What trash is on your side that needs to be cleaned up? Pick it up. Throw it away. Make an amends for your side of the street.

I’d like to promise you that if you do this, your spouse, children, and parents will come around and start cleaning up their side of the street and your relationships with them will always be peachy. Sadly, I can’t promise that. Certainly, most of the time when one person in a relationship humbles him or herself and starts cleaning up their own side of the street, the defenses come down with everyone, apologies flow forth on all sides, and the relationship grows. However, that is just not always the case.

How should you respond if you start working on your side of the street and whoever you’ve been having the struggle with refuses to respond in kind? Just keep cleaning up your side of the street. Why? Because you are not doing this to fix the other person. If you are, you aren’t cleaning up your side of the street, you are cluttering it more with manipulation. Keep cleaning your side of the street because this grants you serenity, peace, and joy. If you let your side of the street stay junky, you’ll always be struggling with the guilt of what you have caused and your part in the struggle. Let’s face it, even if you are doing everything in your power to deflect, justify, blame others, and excuse your behavior, something inside you knows what you’ve done. The guilt and shame will be overpowering, even if it is completely subconscious. That will cause a repeating cycle of trashing up your side of the street and destroying your relationships with others.

And of course, be patient in this process. Be patient with yourself. Perhaps one day you’ll get so good at cleaning up your side of the street you don’t have those blow-ups anymore. However, if you messed up again today, don’t give up on your side of street. Just pick up the trash with which you’ve littered and move on as best you can. It’s a growth process. Life is about progress not perfection. And if you’re married to someone who keeps trashing their side of the street, be patient with them. Like you, they make a lot of mistakes and are growing. Give them time.

Well, I hope this was helpful. I have to go now and do a bunch of street sweeping.

(Check out this follow up article: 4 Steps to Cleaning Your Own Side of the Street)

The Oz Principle: A 4 Point Plan to Achieve New Levels of Performance

February 26, 2009 in A Springboard for Your Professional Life, Personal Responsibility with 0 Comments

drowning The Oz Principle: A 4 Point Plan to Achieve New Levels of PerformanceFor a moment, let’s pretend you work in the kitchen of a cruise liner. One day, as you go into the storage room for some supplies, you notice a leak. Water is spraying in. What do you do? Of course, you do nothing. It’s not your job to fix leaks. It’s not even your job to monitor for leaks. Or, you file a report that will go into stack of papers for the captain to look at. That way, if something really bad happens, at least you’re covered and no one can blame you. A few hours later, the ship sinks. As you are pulled underwater with it, you last words are, “It’s not my fault. It wasn’t my job.”

Does that make a lick of sense? Obviously not. Yet, that is the kind of approach people take on the job all day long according to Roger Connors, Tom Smith and Craig Hickman in their awesome book, The Oz Principle: Getting Results through Individual and Organizational Accountability The Oz Principle: A 4 Point Plan to Achieve New Levels of Performance. Too many folks play the blame game, the victim game, the it’s not my fault game. When their job tanks, instead of seeing their own responsibility they stay trapped in a victim cycle that will only doom them to repeat the problem.

They define the six aspects of the Victim Cycle.

  1. Wait and See: Don’t do anything about the problem you noticed. Just wait and see what will happen.
  2. Confusion and Tell Me What: “I don’t know what’s going on, if someone would just tell me what to do, I’ll do it.”
  3. It’s Not My Job: Thank you unions for this one. We don’t want to step over job lines. I don’t want to be accused of doing someone else’s job, so I’ll just let the ship sink. As I drown, at least I’ll know I didn’t step over any boundaries.
  4. Cover Your Tail: “Hey, I filed a report, I can’t help it if you all didn’t do anything about it. It’s not my fault.”
  5. Finger Pointing: We’re all experts at knowing why everything is someone else’s fault.
  6. Ignore and Deny: This will get us back to “Wait and See.” “I don’t see a problem. What problem do you see?”

However, they also point out that we can be above the line of this victim cycle and instead pursue the accountability cycle. The book is called The Oz Principle The Oz Principle: A 4 Point Plan to Achieve New Levels of Performance because it uses the four main characters of that story as its example for how to be accountable, Dorothy, the Cowardly Lion, the Heartless Tinman, the Brainless Scarecrow. These four characters believed their problems were all on the outside. They hoped some Wizard would be able to offer some magic formula that would fix everything. When they came down to the end of it, they learned the Wizard was just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. The solution to their workplace problems actually lay within them.

We can learn from these characters that we must…

  1. Develop courage to see the problems (the not so cowardly lion).
  2. Develop heart to own the problems (the tinman with a heart).
  3. Develop brains and wisdom to solve the problems (the wise scarecrow).
  4. Develop the willingness to exercise the means to do what we’ve planned (Dorothy).

If you want to go places in your career, if you want to take your company to higher levels, learn to rise above the victim line and live in the accountability cycle.

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