So, last Thursday night, our exchange daughter, Viktoria, came out of the bathroom. “Edwin, you need to see this!” The shower stall was filled with water backed up from a clogged drain, the sink was filling up  as well, and the toilet was leaking water from underneath the base.  Oh, great! Yep, you guessed it. Blocked up septic system. The septic guy came out Friday morning, cleaned it out, and said we should think about using different toilet paper. I got to thinking about how this mirrors a lot of troubled relationships.

I hope I can develop this illustration without sounding crass or gross. But what was going on with my house’s plumbing? The problem was we were stuffing junk down those pipes, but apparently not the right kind of junk. Above the surface everything seemed to be fine, but underneath a problem was brewing. All the while we just kept stuffing and stuffing and stuffing the wrong paper down the pipes. Eventually, the system just couldn’t handle it and big problems erupted to the surface.

Isn’t that what happens in a lot of relationships–whether husband/wife, parent/child, brother/sister, employer/employee, labor/management, neighbor/neighbor, etc.? Perhaps somebody said or did something to hurt us, maybe they have a habit that bothers us, perhaps they repeatedly do something that we believe takes us for granted. However, we are afraid to rock the boat. The relationship is going smoothly so we just stuff it down the pipes. On the surface, everything seems to be fine; but underneath, trouble is brewing.

The problem is sooner or later all that stuff is going to come back up the pipes. No matter how hard you try to stuff it and ignore it, eventually it is going to erupt all over the “floor” of you relationship. You just can’t stuff this stuff and expect it to stay stuffed. It has to go somewhere and when there’s too much of it in the plumbing of your relationship, the septic system will back up. That get’s nasty.

So, what do you need to do? Learn how to talk about stuff as it’s happening. When something bothers you, learn how to bring it up. Learn how to express yourself. Do it with gentleness, of course. But also do it with firmness that says you are allowed to have your feelings and you need to be able to talk about this. The great thing is if you learn to bring up stuff that bothers you as it happens one at a time, the back up doesn’t happen. Most people can handle it when you bring up one thing that bothers you. It’s when the eruption of all the stuff you’ve been stuffing for weeks, months, maybe even years finally comes up that real problems and destroyed relationships happen.

If it bothers you that someone touches you every time they talk to you, let them know. If someone’s habitual tardiness is causing you problems, talk about it and develop a plan. If someone’s pet nickname for you doesn’t make you feel loved and appreciated, let them know. If someone is repeatedly dropping the ball on their part of the project, have a conversation with them.

Do it early. Do it gently. Do it firmly. Develop good boundaries. Yes, there are some people who are so wounded that they may not be able to handle it. But I guarantee that no matter how healthy they are, if you wait until you’ve stuffed too much of that stuff down in the pipes, when the septic system erupts, the relationship will be damaged.  So figure out how to have that conversation now.

By the way, if you want more information on how to keep your relational septic system from backing up on you, check out the book review I posted last week.

Most of us love the psalms. They hit us right where we are. They move us to praise God, love God, honor God. They help us deal with some of the difficulties we face in life. But if you’re like me, you always feel like you are missing something when you read one. You know there is a deeper meaning, you just can’t seem to grasp it. Maybe I can help.

I’ve been teaching a class on the Psalms at the Brownsburg Church of Christ and just getting an immeasurable amount of wealth from psalms I have read my whole life. I feel like I’ve finally started getting beneath the surface of these poems and songs. This past Sunday, instead of just examining the psalm assigned by the workbook we are going through, I used it Psalm 8 as an example psalm to show how to study a psalm.

Now, I’ll admit, I’m no scholar. I’m not a psalm expert. But I’ve really been helped by following this 8-step process in examining the psalm. If you, like me, are just a simply Bible student and want some simple tools to help you study deeper, perhaps this will help you as it has me.

I’ll share the 8 steps here in this post. However, I have also uploaded a pdf of how I used these steps to study Psalm 8, along with the visual map of the psalm I shared with the class at Brownsburg. Use it if it is helpful. Download it by clicking here.

8 Steps to Study a Psalm

Step #1: Pigeonhole the psalm

What kind of psalm is it? Being able to label a psalm helps us know which direction the psalm is going and lets us see the forest before looking at the trees. Different authors have delineated different genres. I use the genres defined by Tremper Longman III. Find out more by downloading my example of studying Psalm 8.

Step #2:  Be leery of reading yourself into the psalm too quickly

Okay, this is not so much a step as it is trying to keep you from taking a misstep. No doubt, you will eventually read the psalm in the context of your life. But if you do it too quickly, you may miss the real meaning of the psalm and then not apply it to your life as intended. Psalm 8 is a great example of where I had made this mistake.

Step #3: Look for context clues of when and why the psalm was written

Some psalms come with an attribution and even a setting. There is some question regarding how accurate those are. But, if they can’t always tell you exactly when a psalm was written, they can at least give you the concept that an early editor of the Old Testament hymnal had about when and why the psalm was written.

Beyond the attribution, look for statements in the psalm that give evidence about when and why the psalm was written. For instance, Psalm 8:2 speaks about God giving strength to defeat enemies. This indicates that this psalm was written in response to some victory granted by God.

You can’t always get a specific setting for every psalm. But at least you may be able to determine a general basis for the writing of the psalm.

Step #4: Look at the structure of the psalm

 Strive to develop an outline. Look for the sections of the psalm. What are the themes? What are the supporting points? How are they made? Did the psalmist use statements, questions, commands, praises, laments? Does the psalm shift in person and who is speaking? Are there repeated structures? Are there parallel concepts? Are there repeated words or phrases?

This is the toughest and most involved step. In this step, I often do what I call a visual mapping of the psalm. That is I print the psalm out on paper and start drawing connections between the words and phrases. It can produce a messy sheet of paper, but when you step back, a map of the psalm stands out that almost always helps me see the structure and meaning of the psalm.

Once again, I encourage you to download my example study of Psalm 8 to see greater detail of how to accomplish this step and to see an example of a mapped out psalm.

Step #5: Examine keywords

Keywords are words upon which the meaning of the psalm hinges. They may be words repeated throughout the psalm. They may be words used in special ways with which you have to come to terms. They may be words that you struggle with to know the meaning. They may be words that you can tell are simply important because of how they are used. Don’t just work on the denotations of the words–the actual definitions. Also, work on the connotations in the context of the psalm. Consider not what the word means all by itself, but how the psalmist is using the word in the psalm.

Step #6: Consider the Old Testament Context

Does the psalm include any concepts, references, allusions, or even quotes from other passages in the Old Testament (even in the Psalms). Keep this step in the Old Testament. That will help provide the original intended meaning in the Old Testament context. We need to know that meaning before we can see how the psalm applies to our lives and before determining any New Covenant or Messianic meaning.

Step #7: What lessons do you learn from the psalm based on your study so far?

Having pigeon-holed, outlined, examined the keywords, and considered the original context, what lessons do you get out of the psalm for your own life? List them and test them against the psalm to see if they really are there.

Step #8: Examine how the psalm is used in the New Testament to see if there is a greater New Covenant/Messianic meaning

In many cases, the New Testament writers quoted the Psalms and demonstrated that while the psalm had a meaning in the original historical context, God had a greater meaning behind the psalm that was not understood until the revelation of Jesus Christ. This is not necessarily the idea of double meaning or dual fulfillment. This is the concept that in Jesus, the meaning of the psalm is intensified and made more full. I often refer to this as a greater fulfillment or an ultimate fulfillment.

Please, don’t discount the meaning in the original context and just skip to the ultimate meaning in Jesus. If you do that, you’ll gain insight into the nature of Jesus, but you may miss the personal help and direction the psalm can give you for your life. At the same time, don’t stop with simply having figured out the meaning in the original context. If you do, you may gain help in your daily life, but you’ll miss the truly awe-inspiring nature of the prophetic nature of the psalms and exactly how Jesus fulfills all that God revealed in the Old Testament.

In this step, I exercise some caution. While there may be some psalms that seem Messianic, and we can develop some interesting points, I’m leery of supplying my own Messianic meaning to a psalm. I tend to only supply that meaning if the New Testament writers pave the way to find that meaning.

 

I hope this was helpful. Let me know if it is. Also, let me know what you do to help you study the psalms. Make sure to leave a comment with your suggestions and helps.

And, once again, I encourage you to download my study example of Psalm 8 to see these steps and the mapping worked out in a real-life Bible study example.

P.S. I know this may shock you. But there are absolutely no affiliate links in this post. I don’t get any kickbacks from anyone for sharing the links in this post. However, I’d sure appreciate it if you’d check out some of the links in the sidebar and purchase stuff to your heart’s content. Hey a blogger’s got to make a living somehow, right?

Last week was New Year’s and many of us resolved to watch less tv, read more books. Whether or not that’s the case for you, if you only have one book that you have time to read this year…well, of course, make it the Bible. But if you have time to read two books this year, I’d like to make a recommendation: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.

Check out the video review by clicking the link below.

(For my e-mail subscribers who can’t see the video, click here.)

These are the authors of Boundaries and their work just keeps getting better. This book came out in 2005 and, frankly, I’ve been kicking everyone for not telling me about it sooner. And I promise you this, you’re hearing this post today, if you don’t get this book for a week, a month, a year, two years, five years and then you read it, you’ll be kicking yourself too. In fact, you may even give me a call and let me come kick you.

Let’s face it. We’ve all got those conversations we need to have. Whether it’s with a husband or wife, a brother or sister, a parent or a child, a church leader or a church member, a boss or an employee or a co-worker, a neighbor, a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and yet we’ve been avoiding them. Why? Well, maybe we’re just afraid of conflict. Or maybe we don’t know how to say what needs to be said. Or maybe we’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, or even worse that they may turn it around on us and hurt our feelings. But you only have to put that conversation off long enough to get this book and read it.

This book is jam-packed with powerful principles to help you make your conversations better. When you read this book you’ll learn things about clarifying the problem, making sure to keep “I” and “you” clear, balancing grace and truth, and other profound principles that help us know where conversations go wrong and how to keep from making those mistakes again.

But in addition to that, this book is filled to the brim with practical pointers. They don’t just talk about ethereal concepts and mystical ideas. They bring out real life conversations and real life situations and let us know this is how a conversation can be conducted and bring about good results.

Maybe you’ve had that conversation that you’ve been wanting to have with a wife or a husband, maybe with a boss, a co-worker, a church leader, even someone that you’re dating. There’s a chapter for that filled with profound illustrations that hit right at home where you’ve been, where I’ve been and help us know how to have those conversations. And help us know how to make those conversations draw us closer together instead of dividing us even further apart.

I just finished this book yesterday, and already it’s changing the way I communicate with my family. I have no doubt that if I continue to follow the principles that I’ve read about in this book, that I’m going to make my wife happier, which means my marriage will be happier. Not to mention, my family will be more productive. I won’t have to continue wasting time in those arguments about issues that don’t really matter. Instead, we’ll be able to spend time conversing and communicating with one another in a way that brings us closer together and helps our family have greater unity.

I want to thanks Drs. Cloud and Townsend for writing How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding. I know it’s changing my life, and I know it will change yours. Pick up your copy today. Trust me. You won’t regret it.

—-

P.S. If I were a betting man, I would bet that you don’t need this legally obligated disclaimer to let you know that this post does in fact contain affiliate links. I’m not recommending the book just so I can get a kick back. I’m recommending it because it helped me and I know it will help you. But, while it’s helping you, why don’t you go ahead and help me. Use the affiliate links to get your copy ordered today. In fact, here are a few more.

As I’m sure you could see in the video, I read this book on the Kindle app on my iPad. Here’s the link for the kindle version.

Oh and maybe you need an iPad. Here you go.

Or perhaps you’d like to have the new Kindle Fire. I hear it’s smoking and so much cheaper than an iPad.

Perhaps you’d like to check out more books by Cloud and Townsend. Here you go.

You get the idea. Have a great week and some great conversations.

I Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances.” What does that mean? Find out in this video representation of giving thanks called “The Thanksgiving Chair.” How often do you sit in the thanksgiving chair? Who are you teaching to sit there with you?

For my e-mail subscribers who can’t see the video, click here.

The first week of January is halfway over. How are you doing on your resolutions? Yeah, me too. Although, I did go to the gym this morning. That’s good. Would you like to know the skinny on resolutions? Then check out the video by the Skit Guys letting us know about how different people handle Resolutions. Enjoy!

For my e-mail subscribers who can’t see the video, click here.

The moment you’ve been waiting for has finally arrived. “Plugged In: High Voltage Prayer” has finally hit the stands. Just in time for the New Year, you can now read the full story of Steve and Sarah, a Christian couple who woke up one Sunday morning in a spiritual rut.

Steve and Sarah didn’t really know what to do next. They just didn’t want to continue on in the rat-race of just going to church as usual. They thought maybe they just needed a change of scenery. Maybe a new church would do the trick. Providentially, one of their shepherds, brother Davis, checks in on them and challenges them to a “High Voltage Prayer Challenge”–thirteen weeks of prayer. You can read their story and face the “High Voltage Prayer Challenge” with them.

“Plugged In: High Voltage Prayer (The Classbook)” takes some of the major themes found in it’s predecessor Plugged In: High Voltage Prayer (plus a couple new lessons) and presents them in a format perfect for a small group study or a quarterly Bible class. Or go through the study with a friend, with your family, or on your own.

The great thing is this is a downloadable pdf. You don’t have to wait for shipping. Simply purchase the license option you want, download and print your copies. For more info, visit the product page, click the banner above or the box below.

Plugged In: High Voltage Prayer (The Classbook)

The story of Steve and Sarah, a Christian couple in a spiritual rut. Learn about the power of God through prayer as you read their story and work through the challenges and questions they face as they figure out the place prayer really has in their spiritual lives.

It’s been a while since I’ve updated you on my special Bible class material project: “Plugged In: High Voltage Prayer-The Bible Class.” I am excited to announce that within the next few weeks the story of Steve and Sarah and their victory in Christ through prayer will be released for personal and congregational use. I’ve received great feedback about this class material and I’m truly excited to be able to offer it to you.

“Plugged In: High Voltage Prayer–The Bible Class” takes the 12 greatest lessons about prayer and brings them to you in the midst of a story of Steve and Sarah. They are in a spiritual slump, ready to turn their back on their congregation and their own spiritual growth. But one shepherd takes them under his wing and leads them through a journey of faith, teaching them how prayer can connect them to God and bring the spark of power back into their walk with the Lord.

In each lesson, you get to see how a powerful principle of prayer helps bring Steve and Sarah back into a closer walk with the Lord. They will meet with several different Christians from different backgrounds who help them get back on track.

The great thing about this different approach to Bible class material is you do not learn these lessons about prayer in a vacuum. Rather, you learn them in the context of a true to life story. You easily see the immediate application of the principles you learn about and discuss in the class or small group setting.

The story is at times humorous and at other times heart-wrenching. Steve and Sarah’s lives are not easy. But the God they serve is powerful enough to help them through. And they learn that prayer is the connection to that power. You will too.

The time is drawing near for you to learn what Steve and Sarah did. The book is presently in the midst of editing, revision, and design work. But we are fast approaching release. If you’d like to see what is coming, download the sample and read through the introduction and the first three lessons.

I know that many of your congregations are presently considering what to teach in your Bible classes in 2012. Please pass on this information to those who plan your curriculum and classes. I’m certain this is one class they will want to offer.

Click the book or here to download the sample.

God’s Way Works is excited to announce the latest class book in our Bible Class Material department–Ezra: Rebuilding God’s House, Restoring God’s People.

Would you like to know more about the post-captivity period of God’s Old Testament nation Israel? I’ve often found that even good students of the Bible have not studied this part of Biblical history in depth. That is a travesty because Ezra gives some valuable insights into restoring God’s plan and pattern for His covenant people. In this material, you and/or your class can learn about the rebuilding of the temple following the Babylonian captivity, learn of the stellar example set by Ezra, and discover the  the restoration of God’s people after they had intermingled with the foreign nations.

What really sets this class apart from many others is the special effort made to bridge the gap between the mere history described in the Biblical text and the practical help we need to serve God today. This will not be simply a dry look at historical information. It will provide the seeds of lively discussion about what it means for our lives today.

This class book contains 12 lessons and 1 Review lesson. Many congregations have special events scheduled that eat up one week of classes in any given quarter. If that happens to you, then you can burn the review lesson. If not, then you have enough material to teach each week of the normal Bible class quarter.

Ezra: Rebuilding God's House, Restoring God's People

This is a 13 lesson adult Bible class book covering the Old Testament book of Ezra with a special emphasis on restoration.

Download a Sample

If you’d like to check out the Student Workbook before you purchase, feel free to download the free sample, which includes the Introduction, Table of Contents, and the first 3 lessons. Just click the link below to access the free sample.

Check out the first 3 lessons!

Downloadable PDF

“Ezra: Rebuilding God’s House, Restoring God’s People” is a downloadable pdf file that you will be able to download immediately upon payment. You will be able to print your own copies and use them personally, in your small group, in your Bible class, or with your entire congregation depending on the licensing option that you purchase.

Licensing Options

Make sure you checkout the different licensing levels below.

Buy your Personal License for $4.97. That allows you to print one copy of this material for your personal use. Of course, you can purchase multiple personal licenses. However, if you want to print more than 14 copies, you’ll want to consider one of our other licensing options.

The Small Group License is $69.97 and gives you the license to print up to 20 copies (that’s only $3.50/copy).

The Bible Class License allows you to print up to 40 copies and is only $99.97 (that’s only $2.50/copy).

The Congregational License gives you the license to teach this class as often as you want and print as many copies as you want from now until Jesus returns within one congregation (this license is not transferable to congregations other than the one for which you originally purchased it even if paid for by an individual). This amazing deal is only $199.97.

Ezra: Rebuilding God's House, Restoring God's People

This is a 13 lesson adult Bible class book covering the Old Testament book of Ezra with a special emphasis on restoration.

Check Out Our Other Material

In addition to Ezra, you can check out our other materials available to you here at God’s Way Works. For instance, you can check out our class book on Grace: God’s Power to Overcome Sin by simply clicking the picture to the left. Or click on My Store to check out the other materials we have available at this website.

The more I’ve worked with addicts and dealt with my own sins, the more I’ve realized that most churches are falling short in a very important area–freedom from sin. Oh, don’t get me wrong. Most churches teach freedom from sin. Most command freedom from sin. But very few are helping people become free from sin. Most of them simply tell people to quit sinning and then slap them on the wrist when they catch them sinning again or belittle and shame them for doing so. What can we do about this?

Basically, here is the problem as I see it. Most churches deal with only one aspect of salvation–forgiveness. They are doing a great job at teaching people where to go to receive forgiveness. As a Christian, I believe ultimate forgiveness can only be found through the blood of Jesus Christ (Matthew 26:28). Churches teach that. I certainly think there are a lot of churches out there that aren’t teaching accurately how to come in contact with the saving blood of Jesus. But many are. In either case, these churches are teaching how to be forgiven. But that is not the extent of salvation.

“Saved” is actually a medical term. In the New Testament, it translates the word “sozo.” It means to keep safe and sound, to rescue from danger. It has an emphasis on saving one who is suffering, especially one who is perishing from a disease. To be saved means to be made well, healed, restored to health. This is more than just dealing with what has happened in the past. This is fixing what is broken. This is the side that is often missed. Salvation is more than forgiving the sins of the past, it is healing the person spiritually so they overcome the sickness of sin. Salvation is not simply forgiveness, it is freedom. As John 8:32 teaches, Jesus wants us not just to be forgiven, but to be free.

Let’s see if we can see a picture here. Imagine a diabetic who, because of his disease, has had some toes amputated from one foot and the other foot and leg removed up to the knee. Forgiveness can be seen as simply removing the problems of the past. The toes and leg are reattached. On the surface it seems like everything is now fixed. But if the person still has diabetes, what can he expect in the future? He’s just going to lose those appendages again. That is a picture of receiving forgiveness without getting freedom. We don’t just want to reattach the appendages, we want to get rid of the diabetes. That is a full picture of salvation–forgiveness and freedom.

Regrettably, on a practical level, I don’t know many churches that are doing a very good job at this side, especially not with people who are dealing with obsessive sins, compulsions, and addictions. Sure, we can point to people who used to do some bad things and then stopped. We can find some people who even made some drastic changes in their lives when they were baptized into Christ. They become our poster children. But then we meet someone for whom just getting baptized doesn’t seem to do the trick. Instead of helping them, we often look down on them as they repeatedly fall into their sinful patterns. We accuse them of not really repenting. In some cases, that may well be true. In others, they have repented, they just need some really practical help on actually overcoming the sins they wanted salvation from.

By the way, this is the point at which I ask all Christians, “Are you perfect yet?” If not, then maybe you should back off on accusing everyone who struggles with a sin that you don’t of just not being penitent enough.

There are some organizations that I have seen that actually are doing a great job at showing people how to be free and overcome. They don’t purposefully turn people to Jesus to receive forgiveness, so I worry about that. However, I think there is a place for churches to learn something from 12-step groups. I’m talking about those groups that are based on Alcoholics Anonymous. Many who once thought they were hopeless have found hope. Regrettably, they didn’t find it in churches. They found it in groups of people with the same struggle coming together to share their experience, strength, and hope. They found it in working a program outlined in 12 steps and relying on others who also wanted to quit whatever struggle they were having.

I think churches can learn from this. Though I don’t personally like the phrase “God of my understanding” found in the 12 steps of most 12-step groups, I think the principles behind these steps are profound and biblical. They have helped me in having progressive victory over my own sins.

I’ve got way more to say about what churches can learn from these groups. That will come in later posts. In this one, let me simply share a modified version of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then let’s talk about how biblical they are and how beneficial they can be in helping folks not only be forgiven but be set free.

Step #1: We admitted we were powerless over sin–that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step #2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step #3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God in Jesus Christ.

Step #4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step #5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step #6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step #7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Step #8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step #9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step #10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step #11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God through Jesus Christ, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Step #12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sinners, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

(Adapted from “Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions,” Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, New York, 2007, pp 5-8)

I’ve seen people working these steps gain a freedom that just being told to stop didn’t give them. I think churches need to learn something from these steps. Not that churches need to become mega-12-step groups, but that there are some truly practical lessons based in the Word of God that can help people who are really struggling. There is hope beyond saying, “Why don’t you just stop?” Let’s learn how to offer that hope and that direction in our churches.

Let’s talk about this. How biblical or not do you think these steps are? How beneficial do you think they can be? How can they be adapted scripturally in a congregational setting? Add your two-cents to this by commenting below.

No doubt there are numerous cultural setbacks to having a biblically based family here in America. We could talk about entertainment and the media. They’ve definitely caused a setback. We could talk about prosperity and materialism. That is killing American families. We could talk about the sexual revolution since the 60s. Wow! I’m sure it shocks you that I don’t think that one is the #1. But I was thinking about Proverbs 31 the other day and the #1 cultural setback became crystal clear to me. It may surprise you.

Proverbs 31:23, 28-29 says:

Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.

…

Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”

No, the cultural setback is not about the role of women. Rather, it is about the role of the family. What amazes me in this statement about the “Worthy Woman” is that her husband being known in the gates was a praise about her. What Solomon was saying is that because she was a worthy woman, her husband was known. Are you beginning to see the setback? In our modern American culture, that would never be a praise for the wife. That is simply a praise for the husband. He’s a great man and well-thought of. But in this biblical culture his status in the community was not just a praise of him, it was praise of his wife. It was praise for the whole family.

Why? Because the #1 cultural setback to a biblically based family in our modern American culture is individualism. Yes, you read that right. Individualism.

What’s the Big Deal About Individualism?

I’m glad you asked. What we need to see in Proverbs 31 is that the basic unit of this biblical culture was not the individual. It was the family. In our American culture, the basic unit is the person, not the family. Here in America, we are all about independently pulling ourselves up by the boot straps and showing that we are the best.

But that was not what was going on in Proverbs 31. In that chapter, the family was working as a unit. Individualism is causing all kinds of problems. In fact, some of those other cultural setbacks mentioned in the introduction of this post stem from this more fundamental problem. Isn’t the sexual revolution completely based in the selfishness of seeking individual pleasure rather than the service of building a family? Isn’t the over pursuit of entertainment and recreation another example of self-seeking rather than the selflessness of working and serving in a family? Can’t much of the materialism be traced back to a desire to win as an individual at the rat-race of life?

This kind of individualism produces all kinds of setbacks in the family.

First, it produces competition among marriage partners. Husbands and wives compete for who has the largest income, who does the most work, who is the best. That comes far more from individualism than it does from working as a family unit. Rather than working together to allow the family to receive praise and honor from God, they compete with each other to receive the greater praise from men. Rather than individual competition within the family, the family needs to work together as a team to accomplish the family win.

Second, it produces a dichotomy that increases bitterness and resentment between spouses. I’ve heard spouses say to each other, “Alright, for the last 10 years we’ve done your thing. Now it’s my turn.” That is a sign of resentment and bitterness. One spouse feels used as the other accomplished their dreams. Sadly, it’s often the wife who feels used as the husband pursued his dreams, but it can work the other way as well. The problem is this turn-taking doesn’t fix the problem. It just switches the roles and increases the bitterness and resentment. Rather, than taking turns at individual dreams, the family needs to work together at developing family dreams everyone can buy in to and work together on.

Third, it produces entitlement mentalities and removes gratitude. When people within a family are pursuing their own individualistic goals instead of working together as a family unit, it produces fights over the family resources of time, money, effort and strife regarding the family responsibilities of making money, caring for the house, doing the chores. Everyone thinks their pursuit is more worthy, so they feel entitled to the resources and entitled to dumping responsibilities on others. But they rarely feel any gratitude for the people in the family who are doing the behind-the-scenes work that allows the individual to accomplish a goal. The old saying that behind every great man there is a great woman is not intended to say a woman’s place is behind her man. That isn’t the point of Proverbs 31 either. The point is that when someone in the family is honored, it was a family affair. No one in a family receives honor without the support system in the background. When someone in the family is honored, everyone in the family deserves honor. That is the point of Proverbs 31:23. The further point found in Proverbs 31:28-29 is the one who received the honor in the gates needs to be the one who passes on the honor to the rest of the family.

Do you think the divorce rate might go down if families started working as families rather than as a collection of individuals? Do you think more could be accomplished in the kingdom and in the community if families worked as a unit rather than as disparate parts? How do you think our society would be affected if the family once again became the basic unit instead of the individual?

I know I need to work on this with my family. I’m not writing this because we’ve got this down, but because it occurred to me that some of the struggles in my own family stem right back to this problem. We’ve all go to work to do. Let’s do it together.

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