No doubt there are numerous cultural setbacks to having a biblically based family here in America. We could talk about entertainment and the media. They’ve definitely caused a setback. We could talk about prosperity and materialism. That is killing American families. We could talk about the sexual revolution since the 60s. Wow! I’m sure it shocks you that I don’t think that one is the #1. But I was thinking about Proverbs 31 the other day and the #1 cultural setback became crystal clear to me. It may surprise you.

Proverbs 31:23, 28-29 says:

Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.

…

Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”

No, the cultural setback is not about the role of women. Rather, it is about the role of the family. What amazes me in this statement about the “Worthy Woman” is that her husband being known in the gates was a praise about her. What Solomon was saying is that because she was a worthy woman, her husband was known. Are you beginning to see the setback? In our modern American culture, that would never be a praise for the wife. That is simply a praise for the husband. He’s a great man and well-thought of. But in this biblical culture his status in the community was not just a praise of him, it was praise of his wife. It was praise for the whole family.

Why? Because the #1 cultural setback to a biblically based family in our modern American culture is individualism. Yes, you read that right. Individualism.

What’s the Big Deal About Individualism?

I’m glad you asked. What we need to see in Proverbs 31 is that the basic unit of this biblical culture was not the individual. It was the family. In our American culture, the basic unit is the person, not the family. Here in America, we are all about independently pulling ourselves up by the boot straps and showing that we are the best.

But that was not what was going on in Proverbs 31. In that chapter, the family was working as a unit. Individualism is causing all kinds of problems. In fact, some of those other cultural setbacks mentioned in the introduction of this post stem from this more fundamental problem. Isn’t the sexual revolution completely based in the selfishness of seeking individual pleasure rather than the service of building a family? Isn’t the over pursuit of entertainment and recreation another example of self-seeking rather than the selflessness of working and serving in a family? Can’t much of the materialism be traced back to a desire to win as an individual at the rat-race of life?

This kind of individualism produces all kinds of setbacks in the family.

First, it produces competition among marriage partners. Husbands and wives compete for who has the largest income, who does the most work, who is the best. That comes far more from individualism than it does from working as a family unit. Rather than working together to allow the family to receive praise and honor from God, they compete with each other to receive the greater praise from men. Rather than individual competition within the family, the family needs to work together as a team to accomplish the family win.

Second, it produces a dichotomy that increases bitterness and resentment between spouses. I’ve heard spouses say to each other, “Alright, for the last 10 years we’ve done your thing. Now it’s my turn.” That is a sign of resentment and bitterness. One spouse feels used as the other accomplished their dreams. Sadly, it’s often the wife who feels used as the husband pursued his dreams, but it can work the other way as well. The problem is this turn-taking doesn’t fix the problem. It just switches the roles and increases the bitterness and resentment. Rather, than taking turns at individual dreams, the family needs to work together at developing family dreams everyone can buy in to and work together on.

Third, it produces entitlement mentalities and removes gratitude. When people within a family are pursuing their own individualistic goals instead of working together as a family unit, it produces fights over the family resources of time, money, effort and strife regarding the family responsibilities of making money, caring for the house, doing the chores. Everyone thinks their pursuit is more worthy, so they feel entitled to the resources and entitled to dumping responsibilities on others. But they rarely feel any gratitude for the people in the family who are doing the behind-the-scenes work that allows the individual to accomplish a goal. The old saying that behind every great man there is a great woman is not intended to say a woman’s place is behind her man. That isn’t the point of Proverbs 31 either. The point is that when someone in the family is honored, it was a family affair. No one in a family receives honor without the support system in the background. When someone in the family is honored, everyone in the family deserves honor. That is the point of Proverbs 31:23. The further point found in Proverbs 31:28-29 is the one who received the honor in the gates needs to be the one who passes on the honor to the rest of the family.

Do you think the divorce rate might go down if families started working as families rather than as a collection of individuals? Do you think more could be accomplished in the kingdom and in the community if families worked as a unit rather than as disparate parts? How do you think our society would be affected if the family once again became the basic unit instead of the individual?

I know I need to work on this with my family. I’m not writing this because we’ve got this down, but because it occurred to me that some of the struggles in my own family stem right back to this problem. We’ve all go to work to do. Let’s do it together.

Tell the world what you think by commenting below.

“How important is your family? What are you willing to do to make your family stable and functional? Are you willing to work long hours to provide materially for your family? Are you willing to rise up early and stay up late to accomplish all the goals and activities in which your family is involved? Are you willing to eat the bread of painful labors to give your children a better life?…

“Are you willing to pursue education, material goods, comfort and recreation for your family? Will you read books? … watch videos? … visit counselors? How important is a stable and functional family to you?

“Here is the important question: is having a stable and functional family important enough to allow the Lord to build your home?”

Built by the Lord, p 1

An Announcement

After much consideration, I have decided to let DeWard Publishing purchase the publishing rights to my book Built by the Lord: A Study of the Family. I’m excited about the possibilities of this relationship with them. I look forward to seeing where it leads. The new edition of this book should be out before the end of this year.

However, this good news leads to some sad news. As per my agreement with DeWard Publishing, I am no longer free to publish and print the present version of Built by the Lord.

However, this sad news leads to some good news for one or two of you. I still have two copies of Built by the Lord in stock and DeWard Publishing has graciously agreed to let me sell these copies even though our contract is already signed and they own the rights to this book.

A Deal

Built by the Lord has retailed for $14.97. However, since I’m selling my final two copies, I’m offering them at a deal. Instead of paying full retail price, you can purchase these last two copies for only $10.00 (plus s&h).

Check out the deal on my product page for Built by the Lord and while you’re there, why not rummage around in the rest of my store and see what other resources are available to help you walk with God.

Don’t miss out on this great deal.

If I could give you the #1 key to success in everything, would you take it? If I could provide you with the one principle that will help you excel in every aspect of your life, would you want it? I have discovered the one piece of advice that if it is the foundation of everything you do, it will guarantee the success of every aspect of your life. Would you like to hear it?

Now, don’t misunderstand, I’m not guaranteeing you will be a millionaire, own the house on the hill, or become President. I’m simply sharing the #1 key to success in every aspect of your life. It is the #1 key to finding happiness, contentment, joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction in every part of your life whether emotional, mental, fiscal, relational, or spiritual.

Enough already, you say, spit it out.

I found it in Psalm 128:1-4.

Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways!
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands;
you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots around your table.
Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.

Did you see it? Did you see the #1 key to success in every aspect of your life? Fear the Lord. Revere and respect Him. Make Him the center of everything you do. Make His will the guide for how you act in every aspect of your life.

The psalm presents three areas of success. First, “You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands.” That is, you will have success in your work. But when? When you fear the Lord and walk in His ways in your work. This doesn’t mean if you “go to church” on Sundays and put some money in the collection plate (though these things are part of fearing the Lord and walking in His ways). Rather, this is talking about how you conduct yourself in your work. Why do you do your job? Do you just do it to get paid? Do you just do it because you “have to”? How do you act on the job? Do you just behave because you fear your boss? Or because you fear getting fired?

The number #1 relationship you are dealing with on the job is not with your employer, employees, co-workers, or customers. The #1 relationship is with God. Are you working as for the Lord? Are you working in a way that pleases the Lord? Does the Lord’s will and Word govern how you behave on the job? When you respond to your employer, employees, co-workers, and customers not based on how much you respect them but based on how much you respect God and His will for you and them, then you will have success and fulfillment in your work. Then you will enjoy the fruit of your labor.

Then the psalmist says “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house.” Do you want your wife to be a fruitful vine? Wives, this can also apply to you with your husbands. The answer is not to figure out how to fix her. The answer is not to get up in her face with all your solutions for her life. The answer is to fear God. Revere Him. Revere His will for you and your marriage. Let’s face it, if your marriage is going to succeed or fall based on your respect for your spouse, things aren’t going to go so well. Few of us are so respectable that we can carry our marriages on our own. But, when you act based on your respect and reverence for God and His will in your life, you’ll work on your side of the street and your marriage will improve. The next time you have a disagreement with your spouse, don’t respond based on how they deserve. I have no doubt they don’t deserve a great response (just as you probably don’t). Instead, respond based on your reverence for God. Consider your respect for God and His will. Consider how God wants you to respond because you love and fear Him, not because you love or fear your spouse. You’ll be amazed how fulfillment and meaning and success can be added into your marriage when it is not simply based on a mutual respect for each other but rather based on a mutual respect for God.

Then the psalmist says, “Your children will be like olive shoots around your table.” Quit trying to figure out how to respond to your kids to get them to like you, agree with you, respect you. Start responding based on God’s will. Don’t try to manipulate the outcomes of how your children will turn out. Instead, simply do the next right thing. Decide how to treat them not based on your fear of how they will act or turn out. Instead, raise them based on your fear and reverence for God. What would God want you to do in whatever situation you find yourself in with your kids? Do that. You don’t have to read all the latest parenting manuals or be an expert in child psychology. Just get into the Word and treat your kids based on the principles found there. Then simply let the Lord do His work through His will.

These are just three examples. But the psalmist’s point is simply that the #1 key to success in everything is your relationship with God. Get that right, let everything else flow from that relationship, and you will have success, fulfillment, meaning in every aspect of your life.

Let’s start working on our relationship with God first and then let that fix everything else we are doing. Let’s start that this week.

Having a great time camping with the family this week. So I thought I’d take the easy way out and just share some of Tim Hawkins great moments on family.

Enjoy!

E-mail subscribers can click here to watch the videos.

I’m glad I’m reading The Secret of Staying in Love* by John Powell. These are lessons I need to grasp. Even though he doesn’t reference Bible verses, I believe his point is biblical. This is an excerpt from his chapter “Human Needs and the Experience of Love” about unconditional love. This is the kind of love we need to develop for spouses, children, and parents.

thesis three: effective love is unconditional

Love may be given either conditionally or unconditionally. There is no other possibility. Either I attach conditions to my love or I do not. I would like to say at this point that only unconditional love can effect change in the life of the person to whom that love is offered.

In his work, Conceptions of Modern Psychiatry, from which we took our working definition of love, Dr. Sullivan talks of the “quiet miracle of developing the capacity of love.” He describes being loved as the source of this miracle. The first impulse to change, he says, comes not so much from being challenged as from being loved. Only in an atmosphere of unconditionally offered love will the human barriers to relationships be lowered.

There is a story of a housewife who related that her husband’s love seemed to be conditioned on her keeping the house tidy and in order at all times. She maintained that she needed to know that he loved her whether the house was cleaned up or not, in order to have the strength to keep the house clean. If you understand and agree with what she is saying, you understand the point being made here. The only kind of love that helps us change and grow is unconditional.

Conditional love always degenerates into pan-scale love. Both parties are expected, in pan-scale love, to put a donation into the proper pan so that a perfect balance is achieved. But sooner or later some tension, some pain, some struggle will distract one of the pan-scale lovers, and he will not make his monthly payment on time. So conditional lover #2, refusing to be swindled, removes part of his contribution in order to be sure that more isn’t going out than coming in–until nothing is left but emotional or legal divorce.

There is another question, and it is not so simple. Can we expect one party in a love relationship to continue making an unconditional contribution and commitment of love without a sustaining response from the other? Theoretically, I believe that if a person could continue offering an unconditional love, the other would in time respond. But perhaps it would be too late. If the person trying to offer unconditional love is given nothing in response, to nourish his own capacity and renew his strength for love, the relationship may be brought to an inevitable failure.

In practice I think this possibility is claimed far more than it actually occurs. People renege on their love commitments, run off to divorce courts, and take to falling in love all over again (with somebody else), without ever challenging their personal resources, developing their ingenuity, or testing their coping mechanism. It has been said that love works if we will work at it. I think that this is true, and I think that fidelity will always be the measure and test of human love.

Footnote: “Unconditional love” should be interpreted as an ideal, a goal towards which true love aspires, but which is realistically not within human reach or attainment. We are all to some extent injured, limited by the throb of our own needs and pains. Only a totally unscarred and free person could consistently give unconditional love. Such a person, of course, does not exist.

*Yes, that was an affiliate link. By now, you probably assumed that. Here is another one to make it easier for you to buy a copy of Powell’s book.

Okay, this is what I meant for my last card to say, Marita.

Enjoy the skit and go buy your wife a card, guys. Better yet, just let her know you love her in any way you can.

Here’s the link for my e-mail subscribers: http://edwincrozier.com/?p=1958

I hope when my kids are grown, I’ll have loved them in such a way that they’ll come to me for advice. Check out the video.

This week, I have to offer an apology. I guess I thought my 10-year-old son wouldn’t get around to reading my blog ever and so last week wasn’t too worried about using our great moment as an example. I’m still thankful for the example we got to share, but I apparently embarrassed my son. I don’t ever want to do that. 

So, I encourage you to learn from my mistake and be really, really careful when you use your family as an example. The best bet is to get permission first.

Anyway, to Ethan:

Thank you for reading my blog.

Thank you for being willing to share your emotions with me.

I’m sorry for embarrassing you. I hope you can forgive me.

My Macbook cratered while I was in New York this past weekend (I thought that wasn’t supposed to happen to Macs). That’s why no post hit the internet yesterday. We’ll get back to the lessons in maturity next week (hopefully, I am traveling then as well so that is a bit up in the air). 

How do you feel when you see someone and their eyes light up? I love it. 

Yesterday, I got in the family car at the airport after a long weekend trip to New York (great trip, by the way, thanks for asking). While most of the family was clamoring to get me to take them out to eat, my two year old simply smiled and exclaimed, “Daddyyyyyy!” It was as if I was the only important person in her world at that moment. She was glad to see me (and not merely to ask for something out of my wallet). It melted my heart and made me glad to be alive.

If that is how I felt when she treated me that way, how will my family feel if I treat them that way all the time. It is so easy to get caught up in the rat-race, humdrum of every day living that we take our spouse and kids for granted. We walk in the house after a long day of work, our spouse walks in after a day at work or an errand to the store, our kids walk in after a day of school or time outside playing with friends, and we act like it is no big deal. What if every time we walked into the house or our family did, we dropped the cares of the world, the pressures of work, the frustrations of the day and acted like we were absolutely, truly, and utterly excited about being in the presence of these people? What if we commonly ran up to give hugs and act like we were lucky to see this person again. After all, that last time we saw them could have been the last time we ever saw them. But now we get to see them again. 

I’m not naive. I know none of us will act like this all the time. But what if we made it a habit to show our kids and spouse that they are the sparkle of our eye? At the very least, let our faces brighten when we see them. Smile and let the smile get to our eyes. Demonstrate that we are happy they are with us.

I’m betting that 30 seconds of smiles and hugs will totally change the tenor of our homes. I know it will be tough sometimes because the days are troublesome. It’s easy to just walk in the house and let the day’s anxieties seep out at our families, but let’s make it our goal to walk in the house today with a smile and let the family know how glad we are to see them because they are the sparkle in our eye. Do that first. There will be time to share the stresses in a few minutes, first let’s share the joy of getting to see each other again.

Before we get to the post, let me say thanks for being patient with me as I took a sabbatical from blogging throughout November. I’m back and plan to be bringing your springboard as planned from now on (until my next overwhelmed schedule). Now on to today’s family springboard.

Relationships are tough. Sadly, we often take the easy way out when relationships get hard and try to medicate our struggles with money. Maybe we hoard it. Maybe we spend it. Maybe we just fixate on stuff. 

Check out the Skit Guys video that really highlights the point and demonstrates the absurdity of it all. Deep down inside we know it won’t help. Sometimes we just need to see how ridiculous we can be to get some sense slapped into us.

I think Black Friday may actually be the biggest shopping day of the year because a whole bunch of people are needing to medicate all their raw struggles and hurts from a day spent with their family. Maybe it’s just the good deals. Or maybe its a convergence of the two. 

When struggles come in your marriage or your family, don’t medicate with money. Cast your anxieties on God (Philippians 4:6-7). Then go to the family member and get honest. Deal with the feelings. Yes, be gentle, humble, loving, and tender-hearted (Ephesians 4:32), but deal with it. Trust me, you’ll feel a lot better as you connect to your loved ones than you ever will if you disconnect and buy something.

I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving last week and that it drew you closer to your family and God. If not, don’t make it worse by hoarding or spending. Go to your family and work on the relationship.