The top 2 difficulties in parenting…what are they? Well, today, for me they are:

1. Competition with other parents
2. Controlling my kids rather than leading them

Yes, these are problems and this morning I read a passage in Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud* that helped me face them and push me to overcome. Check it out.
To set the background, this is in a section of the book that is about growing up to mature adulthood. This comes from chapter 15, “When We Fail to Grow Up.”

“No Equal Differences”

People who live in a one-up and one-down world rarely consider differences acceptable. If someone believes or thinks something different, that someone is “wrong.” There is no such thing as a difference of opinion or “agreeing to disagree.”

These people also tend to treat differences in taste as being right or wrong. If their friends buy a certain car or move their kids to a certain school, they begin questioning themselves, “Do I have the right car?” or “Should I move my kids as well?” People who haven’t grown up experience difference as a threat; if two people are doing two different things, someone must be doing the wrong thing.

This attitude can affect very small things such as what sale to go to, or what clothes to buy, or which racquetball racket is “better.” These people always ask, “Which is the better of the two?” instead of, “You like that one, and I like this one.” The latter is the way two equal adults experience their differences.

These pharisaical minds have such a stringent list of what is “right doctrine” that they miss the real doctrine of “Love your neighbor as yourself.” They are so concerned with determining how others are “wrong” that they can’t love them. The Pharisees did this over and over again; they saw others as “less than” them, and therefore bad.

Please don’t misunderstand. I recognize that some things are wrong. I’m sure Dr. Cloud does as well. But this was like a light bulb coming on for me with regard to my parenting.

We Don’t Have to Compete with Other Parents

I spend way too much time competing with people, especially other parents. You public school your kids, I home school mine (or vice versa). I can’t just be satisfied that I like one approach and you like the other. No. This has to be a knock-down, drag-out fight for parental supremacy. I have to be able to prove that my choice (whichever it is) will turn my child into the next Jesus while yours will obviously turn your kid into a rebellious hellion. Either that or I beat myself up for being an awful parent who just isn’t strong enough to make the good choices that you make for your children.

Just because you and I do something different as parents doesn’t mean I have to question whether or not I’m a good parent. Neither does it mean I have to figure out why you are a bad parent so I can feel justified in my choices. Taking one of these paths is actually a sign of my own immaturity. The fact is, you may choose one path in your parenting and I may choose another and both be equally valid and legitimate. I have read all kinds of parenting books from people with different ideas and their kids seem to turn out okay, whether they co-sleep or give their child his own bed, whether they nurse or bottle feed, whether they cloth or disposable diaper, whether they home school or public school. It’s amazing how many people write books from different ends of the parenting spectrum and the number one evidence they give is their own marvelously successful, well-adjusted kids. How does that happen? Maybe different doesn’t always mean wrong. Maybe sometimes it just means different. Just as we should train up our kids in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6), perhaps we should parent them in the way we should go without trying to compete with everybody else in all their different backgrounds, resources, and opportunities.

We Don’t Need to Control our Kids^

But in addition to competing with other parents and placing all kinds of undue stress on me and on those relationships, I tend to want to control my kids. I want to force them to see everything my way exactly. Instead of letting them grow up to think for themselves, I fear that they may think something different from me. Therefore, I do what I can to manipulate their thoughts and feelings to think, see, and behave like me. I don’t know why I want to do this because I know how rotten I am and all the mistakes I’ve made. You’d think that I would someday grasp that the more I control them to be just like me, the more they are going to be just like me. How truly awful that would be.

Instead, I need to let them have their feelings and thinkings. I need to be able as an adult to share my feelings and thinkings. I need to be able as an adult to explain my reasons for action. But I need to help them develop ownership for their feelings, thinkings, and reasons. They do not have to like what I like. They are allowed to like what I don’t. They do not have to act how I act. What is important to me doesn’t have to be important to them.

This is scary to me because I fear they may not find God important. I so desperately want to control their relationship with God. While I may and should have boundaries in my home about a certain attitude toward God (cf. Joshua 24:15) just as God has those boundaries, I’m learning that I have to let my kids develop their own faith. The story of the prodigal’s father astounds me. When the prodigal asked for his inheritance, the father didn’t try to talk him out of it. He didn’t argue with him, cajole him, manipulate him. He let him go. Yes, this put a separation between the son and the father. But that was a natural consequence, not an artificial punishment.

Here is the key. Because the prodigal was free to say, “No,” to the father, he was later free to say, “Yes” to him. If I try to control and manipulate my kids with guilt, shame, fear, hate, or whatever else, they are not ever actually free to agree with me. They are just robots. My kids are only free to accept me and what I think and feel when they are free to reject it.

That is hard to swallow and frightening, because my kids may reject me. But it is exactly how God treats me. I want to be mature like Him and give my kids the freedom to be different from me. I am hopeful in the end that through this attitude, they will learn to be like me in what is good and also challenge me to change where I am wrong.

The Challenge to Grow Up

This is a challenge to grow up. This is a challenge to be more like God in my parenting. This is a challenge to be more mature in my relationships. We don’t have to be children, constantly seeking everyone else’s approval. Instead, we simply need to do what we think is right based on our relationship with God and let other parents and our kids do the same.

What books or ideas have helped you out in your parenting? Click here to add your input.

^Please understand that I am talking about as our children grow up. There is a time with young children for controlling their behavior. But even at those times, we don’t need to manipulate their behavior.

*Yes, there are affiliate links in this post. Please help a fellow out. Click on the link and buy a book. It’s the right thing to do. You’re wrong if you don’t do that. Wait! What?

Oh, and by the way, here is another affiliate link if you are interested.

I recently read a very interesting book that provided an intriguing look at growing up, maturing (wait for it…wait for it… yes, here it is, an associate link: The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you). In the past few Mondays, as we looked at God’s way for our individual lives, I’ve been sharing some of what I learned from this book. I’ve already looked at the infant stage, the child stage, the adult stage and the parent stage of maturity. Today, let’s look at the elder stage (beginning when the youngest child has become an adult).

The Elder Stage

While we always continue to mature, this is the highest level of maturity shared by the authors of The Life Model. We need to remember that just because someone’s children have become adults, doesn’t mean they automatically enter this elder stage of maturity. Sadly, some may have biologically raised children to adulthood but still be children themselves. This is simply the authors’ marker for when this stage can begin. 

True elders are comfortable in their own skin. They act like themselves in the midst of difficulty. They don’t check the winds of change, putting their finger to the air, to see how they need to act and react. They have become comfortable with who God has made them to be, with their actions, their reactions, their responses. They are also comfortable helping their community grow based on its God-given identity, not trying to force on the community what the elder wants it to be. They see the value and potential in all others, helping them accomplish their reach their potential and goals. Elders are able to look past the flaws and facades of others to see what God has designed them to be. 

Elders do not simply parent their own children, they work to parent the community. “They can handle criticism and rejection, speak the truth even when it is not easy or popular, serve without being appreciated, encourage needed growth and change, delight in younger people’s skill and power, and place what is best for the community over personal fairness and preference” (p. 23).

Finally, true elders recognize that those with struggling biological families need a spiritual family. They need a spiritual family to help them heal, grow, and thrive. These elders are willing to give the nurture and care needed in these situations treating these “spiritual adoptees” with the same care they would their own biological children.

Maturity Tasks of the Elder

According to the authors, there are four tasks for the elders to accomplish as they continue to grow within the community.

1. Elders establish an accurate community identity and act like themselves in the midst of difficulty.
2. Elders prize each community member, and enjoy the true self in each individual.
3. Elders parent and mature the community.
4. Elders give life to those without a family through spiritual adoption (p. 33).

The elders accomplish these tasks as the community responds in the following ways, respectively.

1. The community recognizes elders within the community.
2. The community provides opportunities for elders to be involved with those in all of the other maturity stages.
3. The community creates a structure to help the elders do their job, which allows people at every stage of maturity to interact properly with those in other stages, and listen to the wisdom of maturity.
4. The community places a high value on being a spiritual family to those with no family (p. 33).

When Elders Fail

If elders fail to accomplish these maturity tasks, the community suffers. There is disorder. There is meaninglessness. There is lack of direction for the community. The community will begin to disintegrate at every level. When elders fail to prize and value each member of the community, life-giving interactions diminish. At-risk, hurting, and struggling people fail to heal and survive. Interdependence within the community is stunted, and thus, the community’s growth is stunted. When true elders don’t lead, parenting the community properly, unqualified people do, resulting in immaturity across the community. When true elders do not parent and adopt those whose biological families are not sufficient, poverty, violence, crisis, crime, and mental disorders increase. Obviously, when those whose biological parents aren’t bringing them to maturity have no one who mentors them, they simply won’t mature. 

Seeing the sad prospect of a community without qualified and true elders helps us understand the sad statement made by the authors: “Sadly, most in our culture never make it to this level of maturity. This is unfortunate because the success of any country, community, school or church body will have a direct correlation to the presence of true elders who are guiding and advising” (p. 23). In other words, when elders fail to fulfill their tasks, the community fails to grow to maturity as a whole. 

The Spiritual Application

I think the spiritual application at this level is abundantly clear. Churches need elders. Without true and qualified elders, churches cannot mature and grow. Without men who will parent and grow the brethren within the congregation, the congregation will be stunted. Look at churches across the nation. What is the real problem going on within so many? Do they not have elders because they are small? Or are they small because they don’t have true elders? 

I can’t help but think of Ezekiel 34:2-10. God was bringing judgment upon Judah because her shepherds weren’t shepherding. The flock had disintegrated and was scattered across the mountains. This was written within the context of the Babylonian captivity. Babylon was destroying Judah and it was because there weren’t true elders guiding that nation. I find Ezekiel 34:10 very interesting. God was delivering Judah up to captivity, but He called it a deliverance from these awful shepherds who had dealt so poorly with Judah.

God has given qualifications for elders within His communities (I Timothy 3:1-7; Titus 1:5-9). Without getting in depth with these qualifications, I think we can all see that the essence of these lists says God wants mature Christians to be elders within His churches. If we want more true shepherds in our congregations, then more of us have to work on spiritual maturity. We have to start by first being disciples, surrendering our lives to God. We have to begin with personal growth. If no one matures, then there will be no elders and eventually there will be no churches. Oh, sure there will be groups that call themselves churches, but they will not be what God wants. Eventually, as He did with the seven churches of Asia, He will judge the churches and remove their lampstand. 

Concluding the Series

I spoke with one friend who said he was reading this series, but then got depressed and had to quit. I can completely understand that. As I read The Life Model, I became quite discouraged. As I’ve thought more about maturing, I see more clearly how far I have to grow. That can seem overwhelming. However, I’ve begun to emotionally grasp another concept that is helping me. Time is not my enemy. Time is my friend. I don’t have to be at the elder level of maturity by the weekend. I just need to grow some more between now and then. I can grow a little today. Then tomorrow, I’ll grow a little more. And the next day. And the next. In God’s good time, if I continue to grow in Him, He’ll mature me. 

Let’s keep growing together.

I recently read a very interesting book that provided an intriguing look at growing up, maturing (wait for it…wait for it… yes, here it is, an associate link: The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you). Their maturity progress is a mix of how we must grow just to get along in life, but also how we must grow in Jesus to be a maturing disciple. Over the next five Mondays, I want to simply share their five stages of maturity with you. I hope this will spark some great discussion about growing up and growing up in the Lord.

The biological ages provided are not saying once a person reaches that biological point they move on to the next maturity level. Rather, they simply point out the earliest point at which a person can move to the next maturity level. The fact is, someone may be 36 and still in the infant stage of maturity.

The stages are:

1. Infant (0-3)
2. Child (4-12)
3. Adult (13-birth of first child)
4. Parent (birth of first child-youngest child becomes an adult)
5. Elder (beginning when youngest child becomes an adult)

The Infant Stage (0-3)

The baby stage. In fact, consider what being a baby is like and you see what this level of maturity is like. A baby cannot articulate her needs. A baby can simply scream when he needs or wants something. The parents must guess at his needs. Granted, good parents learn to guess well. They respond to the baby’s needs, nurturing it, feeding it, diapering it, holding it, comforting it.

This is exactly what an infant needs. She needs someone to provide this care-giving love. But more than that, she needs someone to provide these needs while seeing her as God sees her. That is, she needs to see joy on the faces of those who are caring for her. If he sees anger, hurt, fear, that is what he will learn to look for as he grows up. He’ll have a hard time maintaining a center of joy. He’ll have a hard time walking in and bearing the fruit of the Spirit, which is joy (Galatians 5:22).

The infant “needs to be the ‘sparkle in someone’s eye’ and to be with people that are ‘glad to be with them’ so that they live in joy and learn that joy is one’s normal state” (p. 20).

Progressing to the Next Level

Before progressing to the next level of maturity, the infant must accomplish 5 maturity tasks.

1. Live in joy, expanding the capacity for joy and learn that joy is the normal state.
2. Develop trust.
3. Learn how to receive.
4. Begin to organize self into a person through relationships.
5. Learn how to return to joy from every unpleasant emotion.

These steps are accomplished as the family and community accomplishes the following 5 tasks respectively.

1. Parents delight in the infant’s wonderful and unique existence.
2. Parents build strong, loving, bonds with the infant–bonds of unconditional love.
3. Give care that matches the infants needs, without the infant asking.
4. Discover the true characteristics of the infant’s unique identity, through attention to the child’s behavior and character
5. Provide enough safety and companionship during difficulties, so the infant can return to joy from any other emotion (p. 29).

Getting Stuck as a Baby

Have you ever seen someone you might call a big baby? That may be a very accurate description. The problem may really be that they never did progress beyond the infant stage of maturity.

If an infant is not provided the unconditional love, care, and nurturing, he will be wounded. He will get stuck in the infant stage. If he learns that he can’t trust others, he’ll always live in fear and distrust, wanting someone to take care of him but certain no one ever will. Do you think that might hinder his ability to rely on God?

If the parents and/or community around the child has not reached the parental stage of maturity, the child is going to be in trouble. The parents can’t give what they don’t have. If the parents are stuck in the infant stage or even the child stage, they will be seeking their own needs themselves and leaving the infant child to fend for herself. The parent, seeking his or her own needs, may “parentify” the infant, seeking their own happiness and comfort through the child. The roles become reversed and neither is fulfilled. It is the parents that are to provide the love and nurture to the child, not the other way around. Sadly, too many of us have kids because we are needy, not because we are prepared to care for a child.

Adult Infants

“‘Adult infants’ who have not received in these important areas as babies, will always be needy as adults. They will not be able to take care of themselves emotionally nor will they be able to appropriately receive important things from others. Adult infants will not ask for what they need because they believe if others really cared for them, they would figure out what they needed. Adult infants cannot handle criticism even if it is valid and constructive, because they see any negative feedback as a personal attack. They are often possessive of relationships, territory, power and possessions. Unfortunately for all involved, they also use fear bonding to ensure others will stay bonded to them [Fear bonding is getting others to stay in a relationship by using negative pressures, making them fear something negative if they act as themselves or if they leave the relationship-ELC]. And while ‘high functioning’ adult infants can appear responsible in many areas, like handling personal finances, and being punctual and reliable, emotionally they are severely crippled making it difficult for them to have successful and enduring relationships” (pp. 20-21).

The Spiritual Application

Do you think new converts might be in a similar stage as a newborn infant? They are extremely needy, but they don’t even yet know how to express their needs. They need to be in a family with mature Christians who can anticipate their needs and provide them without them even asking. They need spiritual parents who will care for them, nurturing them, teaching them they can trust the brethren and they can trust God. I can’t begin to suggest for how many years this stage is normal.

However, I can suggest that perhaps more Christians need more mature brethren to demonstrate that the newborn in the faith are the sparkle of our eyes, that we are overjoyed to have them in our presence. What might smiles, hugs, and listening ears accomplish for these new Christians? New Christians need more mature Christians who build strong bonds of unconditional love (emphasize unconditional love–not love until they have a relapse into their favorite pre-baptism sin). Infants in Christ need more mature Christians who discover the babe’s unique identity and strengths. These things might go a longer way to producing spiritual maturity than simply dropping them in a New Converts class and attempting to fill their heads with all the right answers to all the right questions. Babes in Christ need relationships. They will develop their relationship with God as they develop their relationship with other Christians.

Of course, we can’t give what we don’t have. If the congregation has no one at a parent or elder level maturity, there is going to be a problem. The church will then be filled only with people seeking others to care for them or who can only take care of themselves. That is a hurting place to be.

Ephesians 4:13 says we need to develop to mature manhood. If we are stuck in the infant stage, we need to do some work. We need to find some “parents” who can help us get unstuck and move past our wounds and hurts. Be honest with yourself. If you see yourself in that “adult infant” paragraph, seek some mature person out to help you grow.

I hope we can start a discussion here. How do we get beyond infanthood if we are stuck there?

I’m not sure when Ron Pearson met me or when he got permission to turn my life story into his performance act. But, I guess I’ll let it pass. Perhaps his show explains why we are looking for a springboard to help us be better in every aspect of our life. 

I’m sure you’ll enjoy this.