I Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances.” What does that mean? Find out in this video representation of giving thanks called “The Thanksgiving Chair.” How often do you sit in the thanksgiving chair? Who are you teaching to sit there with you?

For my e-mail subscribers who can’t see the video, click here.

I know what I want for Thanksgiving…TURKEY!!!! Sweet potatoes, stuffing, gravy, ham, green beans, a little salad to fool myself into thinking it is kind of healthy this year, yeast rolls. Yes! I want to rest and relax. I want to play games with the kids. I want a break from working. Ah, yes, that’s what I want. Hmmmm. I wonder what Marita wants.

Thanks to the Skit Guys for giving me an idea of what my wife might want this Thanksgiving.

Husbands, think on this video and grow wise.

BTW: If you can’t see the video in your e-mail, click here.

What do you want for Thanksgiving? Let me know by commenting below.

Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” We’ve all heard this verse. I for one am convinced I live by this verse. After all, all my conflicts are someone else’s fault, right? But Matthew 7:1-5 says I should be more concerned about the log in my own eye than the speck in yours. Maybe I need to dig a little deeper and examine myself a little more closely.

How can I dig deeper? How can I be sure that as much as it depends on me, I really am living peaceably with all? I Peter 3:8-9 provides the six point plan.

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.

So, here are the steps:

1. Unity of mind: Remember that the goal of your relationships is harmony.
2. Sympathy: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
3. Brotherly love: Let brotherly love govern your behavior always.
4. A tender heart: Show compassion, don’t take vengeance.
5. A humble mind: Don’t think more highly of yourself than you ought to think.
6. Do not repay evil for evil…: Do all of this even when others don’t.

There it is. If I’m taking these six steps, then I can truly say that as much as it depends on me, I am living at peace with all people.

If you’d like to dig deeper on this, check out the sermon I preached yesterday on this very topic. You can find the outline and the audio right here.

Let me know what you do to maintain peace with all as much as depends on you by commenting below.

“How important is your family? What are you willing to do to make your family stable and functional? Are you willing to work long hours to provide materially for your family? Are you willing to rise up early and stay up late to accomplish all the goals and activities in which your family is involved? Are you willing to eat the bread of painful labors to give your children a better life?…

“Are you willing to pursue education, material goods, comfort and recreation for your family? Will you read books? … watch videos? … visit counselors? How important is a stable and functional family to you?

“Here is the important question: is having a stable and functional family important enough to allow the Lord to build your home?”

Built by the Lord, p 1

An Announcement

After much consideration, I have decided to let DeWard Publishing purchase the publishing rights to my book Built by the Lord: A Study of the Family. I’m excited about the possibilities of this relationship with them. I look forward to seeing where it leads. The new edition of this book should be out before the end of this year.

However, this good news leads to some sad news. As per my agreement with DeWard Publishing, I am no longer free to publish and print the present version of Built by the Lord.

However, this sad news leads to some good news for one or two of you. I still have two copies of Built by the Lord in stock and DeWard Publishing has graciously agreed to let me sell these copies even though our contract is already signed and they own the rights to this book.

A Deal

Built by the Lord has retailed for $14.97. However, since I’m selling my final two copies, I’m offering them at a deal. Instead of paying full retail price, you can purchase these last two copies for only $10.00 (plus s&h).

Check out the deal on my product page for Built by the Lord and while you’re there, why not rummage around in the rest of my store and see what other resources are available to help you walk with God.

Don’t miss out on this great deal.

Racquetball! What a game. I remember playing with my Dad as a kid and then on up into my teen years. Neither one of us was that good, but we had fun. So when I recently learned of a nearby gym that had a racquetball court, I jumped at it. The deciding factor was not that I’m trying to lose weight or need exercise. The deciding factor was that I want to create memories with my kids. One day, I want them to say, “Racquetball! I love racquetball. I used to play that with my dad.” On Tuesday night, I started creating those memories with my boys.

5 Keys for Creating Great Memories with Your Kids

Let’s face it. No matter what you do, you’re creating memories with your kids. When they are adults, they are going to sit around with each other at family gatherings talking about those memories. What will they talk about? Will they be smiling or frowning? …laughing or crying? …grateful or disappointed? Obviously, not everything can be a good memory. But here are some things I learned on Tuesday for making great memories with my kids.

1. Do something they want to do

Racquetball worked for me as a kid and is working for my boys because we want to do it. I love going to John Maxwell conferences and I’m sure I’ll take my boys one day. But trust me, if I came home tonight telling my kids, “Guess what! We get to go see John Maxwell together! YAAAAAAAAY!” They’ll have a memory, but it won’t be good for me or Maxwell.

2. Remember that they are kids/beginners

I’m sure you can guess that we didn’t have any exciting matches between me and the boys on Tuesday night. I’m not a stellar player by any means, but I’ve been playing off and on for 30 years. This was my boys’ first night. Nothing could have ruined this memory like expecting them to play on the level of the adults I played with last week. We had fun because I let them be beginners.

3. Challenge them to grow

While I remembered that they were beginners this last Tuesday night, I also challenged them to get better. As we continue to play, they will get better. I don’t want to keep treating them like beginners then. I want to challenge them to be able to beat me (which, if you’re reading this boys, won’t happen for a long, long time, if ever). Both boys were excited because they each scored some points. They know they scored those points, I didn’t give it to them. They were challenged and feel good about the time together, looking forward to more later.

4. Encourage them extravagantly

When a baby tries to walk but stumbles and fall, we don’t rebuke him. We encourage him with smiles, cheers, and clapping. Do the same as you create your memory. Sure, there are going to be mistakes, but find the reason you can encourage them and cheer them on. For instance, a common mistake in racquetball is to chase the ball to where it is instead of getting ready for where it will go after it bounces off the walls. I still make that mistake sometimes. On Tuesday, I encouraged my boys to judge where the ball will be instead of chasing it where it is. Of course, this is tough for first-timers, so they often missed when they tried to judge. However, as they broke their habit of chasing the ball, I had something I could encourage them in even when they didn’t get the point.

And now, for the most important key:

5. Do it together

Two of my kids have been to some great camps this summer. Did those make great memories for them? Sure. But they aren’t family memories. Sending your kids to fun places and off with fun people is a good thing to do sometimes. But don’t let all your kid’s memories be with other people. Let them be with you. Find something you can do together and make it a memory.

If I could give you the #1 key to success in everything, would you take it? If I could provide you with the one principle that will help you excel in every aspect of your life, would you want it? I have discovered the one piece of advice that if it is the foundation of everything you do, it will guarantee the success of every aspect of your life. Would you like to hear it?

Now, don’t misunderstand, I’m not guaranteeing you will be a millionaire, own the house on the hill, or become President. I’m simply sharing the #1 key to success in every aspect of your life. It is the #1 key to finding happiness, contentment, joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction in every part of your life whether emotional, mental, fiscal, relational, or spiritual.

Enough already, you say, spit it out.

I found it in Psalm 128:1-4.

Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways!
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands;
you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots around your table.
Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.

Did you see it? Did you see the #1 key to success in every aspect of your life? Fear the Lord. Revere and respect Him. Make Him the center of everything you do. Make His will the guide for how you act in every aspect of your life.

The psalm presents three areas of success. First, “You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands.” That is, you will have success in your work. But when? When you fear the Lord and walk in His ways in your work. This doesn’t mean if you “go to church” on Sundays and put some money in the collection plate (though these things are part of fearing the Lord and walking in His ways). Rather, this is talking about how you conduct yourself in your work. Why do you do your job? Do you just do it to get paid? Do you just do it because you “have to”? How do you act on the job? Do you just behave because you fear your boss? Or because you fear getting fired?

The number #1 relationship you are dealing with on the job is not with your employer, employees, co-workers, or customers. The #1 relationship is with God. Are you working as for the Lord? Are you working in a way that pleases the Lord? Does the Lord’s will and Word govern how you behave on the job? When you respond to your employer, employees, co-workers, and customers not based on how much you respect them but based on how much you respect God and His will for you and them, then you will have success and fulfillment in your work. Then you will enjoy the fruit of your labor.

Then the psalmist says “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house.” Do you want your wife to be a fruitful vine? Wives, this can also apply to you with your husbands. The answer is not to figure out how to fix her. The answer is not to get up in her face with all your solutions for her life. The answer is to fear God. Revere Him. Revere His will for you and your marriage. Let’s face it, if your marriage is going to succeed or fall based on your respect for your spouse, things aren’t going to go so well. Few of us are so respectable that we can carry our marriages on our own. But, when you act based on your respect and reverence for God and His will in your life, you’ll work on your side of the street and your marriage will improve. The next time you have a disagreement with your spouse, don’t respond based on how they deserve. I have no doubt they don’t deserve a great response (just as you probably don’t). Instead, respond based on your reverence for God. Consider your respect for God and His will. Consider how God wants you to respond because you love and fear Him, not because you love or fear your spouse. You’ll be amazed how fulfillment and meaning and success can be added into your marriage when it is not simply based on a mutual respect for each other but rather based on a mutual respect for God.

Then the psalmist says, “Your children will be like olive shoots around your table.” Quit trying to figure out how to respond to your kids to get them to like you, agree with you, respect you. Start responding based on God’s will. Don’t try to manipulate the outcomes of how your children will turn out. Instead, simply do the next right thing. Decide how to treat them not based on your fear of how they will act or turn out. Instead, raise them based on your fear and reverence for God. What would God want you to do in whatever situation you find yourself in with your kids? Do that. You don’t have to read all the latest parenting manuals or be an expert in child psychology. Just get into the Word and treat your kids based on the principles found there. Then simply let the Lord do His work through His will.

These are just three examples. But the psalmist’s point is simply that the #1 key to success in everything is your relationship with God. Get that right, let everything else flow from that relationship, and you will have success, fulfillment, meaning in every aspect of your life.

Let’s start working on our relationship with God first and then let that fix everything else we are doing. Let’s start that this week.

I was humbled last night. I don’t know whether to make this post a family post because it had to do with my relationship with my kids or to make it about our individual spiritual lives because it taught me about my relationship with God. I’ll just tell you the story and let you draw your own conclusions.

Yesterday was a red-letter day for one of my boys. He was on a tear. He couldn’t keep his hands to himself. He couldn’t calm down. He wouldn’t listen when people asked him to stop. He lied. He annoyed. He caused trouble. He was disrespectful. He smarted off. You know what I’m talking about. He was acting like a 9-year-old boy (imagine that). It was like he was intent on seeking all the negative attention he could get. Poor kid, yesterday he was spanked, sent to his room, had to run around the house 5 times, had to stand in the middle of the room and get all his crying and yelling out, sat down on the couch to be still, lectured. He’s probably going to end up on Dr. Phil because of yesterday.

Finally, last night right before bed, I was talking to him for about the 10th time yesterday that when people ask him to stop, he needs to listen. He may think what he is doing is fun, but they are trying to let him know that it isn’t fun for them. We talked about how if he valued the relationships more than whatever the action was, he needed to stop the action and promote the relationship. We talked about respecting boundaries. We talked about putting a pause button between what he thought and what he said or did. We talked about pushing that pause button and realizing that if he went on with the action, in a few minutes I was going to be asking him, “Son, why did you do that?” If his only response is going to be, “I don’t know,” then he shouldn’t do it. We talked about alternative ways to express his feelings than bugging and annoying his siblings. We talked about how he could come talk to me or his mom about what he is feeling instead of expressing them in annoying ways to get on his siblings nerves and demand their attention.

I have to admit it. I was exhausted. I was tired of this. I was at my wit’s end. I’m thankful that I didn’t blow up. That shows God has been working on me. My son and I just talked. We didn’t yell. That was good. But, I was so frustrated. I said, “Son, why do I have to keep having this conversation with you? I’m just so tired of having this conversation with you.” I brought in some Bible passages from the Proverbs that we have been studying in our family study time lately. I tried to get him to look to the future and see that with each action he is choosing either a course to folly or to wisdom and that I was trying to help him grow up to be the wise man I knew he could be. I pulled out the big parenting proverbs about listening to a father’s instruction. I must have asked him 20 times in the space of five minutes, “Son, how many times am I going to have to have this conversation with you? I’m just so tired of having this same conversation.”

We wrapped up our talk. I hugged him, kissed him, told him I loved him, prayed with him, and then I sent him to bed.

Frustrated and shaking my head, I pulled out the book I started reading earlier, Boundaries with Kids, by Cloud and Townsend.* That’s when I read:

Finally, if you are overwhelmed with the task of teaching a young person…be comforted. God is also a parent and for many years has gone through the same pains you are experiencing.

I almost started crying. As if watching a film, images of sins that I have committed over and over and over and over again flitted through my mind’s eye. And as if listening to my iPod, I heard my own words coming back at me, “Son, how many times am I going to have to have this conversation with you? I’m just so tired of having this same conversation.” And I knew, God could say that same thing to me. How many times could He have said that to me? How many times will He be able to say that to me in my life?

Yet, He hasn’t. Instead, He is patient with me, not wishing that I would perish (II Peter 3:9). He has given me His Word so I could grow. He has given me other people to help me grow. He has given me His Spirit so I can be sanctified. He sent His Son to take the punishment for my sins, to be sacrificed, to die so I don’t have to, so I can be free from all these things I keep doing.

I just cried and prayed.

I wish I had a nice wrap up on this package, to be able to put the bow on top and send you away with words of wisdom. But I don’t. I just needed to share the story. I’m still not even sure what all lessons I should learn from this. It’s just a reminder that I’m writing this blog because of what I’m learning, not because of what I already have figured out.

I feel odd trying to end this with a question and an opportunity for you to respond as I’ve been trying to do with my posts lately. But if you want to respond or if you have a similar experience to share, click here to add your input.

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*Yes, this post proves how mercenary I am. That is an affiliate link for the book that gave me this amazing epiphany. I’m looking forward to reading it. If you want to check it out, here’s another link for you.

The top 2 difficulties in parenting…what are they? Well, today, for me they are:

1. Competition with other parents
2. Controlling my kids rather than leading them

Yes, these are problems and this morning I read a passage in Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud* that helped me face them and push me to overcome. Check it out.
To set the background, this is in a section of the book that is about growing up to mature adulthood. This comes from chapter 15, “When We Fail to Grow Up.”

“No Equal Differences”

People who live in a one-up and one-down world rarely consider differences acceptable. If someone believes or thinks something different, that someone is “wrong.” There is no such thing as a difference of opinion or “agreeing to disagree.”

These people also tend to treat differences in taste as being right or wrong. If their friends buy a certain car or move their kids to a certain school, they begin questioning themselves, “Do I have the right car?” or “Should I move my kids as well?” People who haven’t grown up experience difference as a threat; if two people are doing two different things, someone must be doing the wrong thing.

This attitude can affect very small things such as what sale to go to, or what clothes to buy, or which racquetball racket is “better.” These people always ask, “Which is the better of the two?” instead of, “You like that one, and I like this one.” The latter is the way two equal adults experience their differences.

These pharisaical minds have such a stringent list of what is “right doctrine” that they miss the real doctrine of “Love your neighbor as yourself.” They are so concerned with determining how others are “wrong” that they can’t love them. The Pharisees did this over and over again; they saw others as “less than” them, and therefore bad.

Please don’t misunderstand. I recognize that some things are wrong. I’m sure Dr. Cloud does as well. But this was like a light bulb coming on for me with regard to my parenting.

We Don’t Have to Compete with Other Parents

I spend way too much time competing with people, especially other parents. You public school your kids, I home school mine (or vice versa). I can’t just be satisfied that I like one approach and you like the other. No. This has to be a knock-down, drag-out fight for parental supremacy. I have to be able to prove that my choice (whichever it is) will turn my child into the next Jesus while yours will obviously turn your kid into a rebellious hellion. Either that or I beat myself up for being an awful parent who just isn’t strong enough to make the good choices that you make for your children.

Just because you and I do something different as parents doesn’t mean I have to question whether or not I’m a good parent. Neither does it mean I have to figure out why you are a bad parent so I can feel justified in my choices. Taking one of these paths is actually a sign of my own immaturity. The fact is, you may choose one path in your parenting and I may choose another and both be equally valid and legitimate. I have read all kinds of parenting books from people with different ideas and their kids seem to turn out okay, whether they co-sleep or give their child his own bed, whether they nurse or bottle feed, whether they cloth or disposable diaper, whether they home school or public school. It’s amazing how many people write books from different ends of the parenting spectrum and the number one evidence they give is their own marvelously successful, well-adjusted kids. How does that happen? Maybe different doesn’t always mean wrong. Maybe sometimes it just means different. Just as we should train up our kids in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6), perhaps we should parent them in the way we should go without trying to compete with everybody else in all their different backgrounds, resources, and opportunities.

We Don’t Need to Control our Kids^

But in addition to competing with other parents and placing all kinds of undue stress on me and on those relationships, I tend to want to control my kids. I want to force them to see everything my way exactly. Instead of letting them grow up to think for themselves, I fear that they may think something different from me. Therefore, I do what I can to manipulate their thoughts and feelings to think, see, and behave like me. I don’t know why I want to do this because I know how rotten I am and all the mistakes I’ve made. You’d think that I would someday grasp that the more I control them to be just like me, the more they are going to be just like me. How truly awful that would be.

Instead, I need to let them have their feelings and thinkings. I need to be able as an adult to share my feelings and thinkings. I need to be able as an adult to explain my reasons for action. But I need to help them develop ownership for their feelings, thinkings, and reasons. They do not have to like what I like. They are allowed to like what I don’t. They do not have to act how I act. What is important to me doesn’t have to be important to them.

This is scary to me because I fear they may not find God important. I so desperately want to control their relationship with God. While I may and should have boundaries in my home about a certain attitude toward God (cf. Joshua 24:15) just as God has those boundaries, I’m learning that I have to let my kids develop their own faith. The story of the prodigal’s father astounds me. When the prodigal asked for his inheritance, the father didn’t try to talk him out of it. He didn’t argue with him, cajole him, manipulate him. He let him go. Yes, this put a separation between the son and the father. But that was a natural consequence, not an artificial punishment.

Here is the key. Because the prodigal was free to say, “No,” to the father, he was later free to say, “Yes” to him. If I try to control and manipulate my kids with guilt, shame, fear, hate, or whatever else, they are not ever actually free to agree with me. They are just robots. My kids are only free to accept me and what I think and feel when they are free to reject it.

That is hard to swallow and frightening, because my kids may reject me. But it is exactly how God treats me. I want to be mature like Him and give my kids the freedom to be different from me. I am hopeful in the end that through this attitude, they will learn to be like me in what is good and also challenge me to change where I am wrong.

The Challenge to Grow Up

This is a challenge to grow up. This is a challenge to be more like God in my parenting. This is a challenge to be more mature in my relationships. We don’t have to be children, constantly seeking everyone else’s approval. Instead, we simply need to do what we think is right based on our relationship with God and let other parents and our kids do the same.

What books or ideas have helped you out in your parenting? Click here to add your input.

^Please understand that I am talking about as our children grow up. There is a time with young children for controlling their behavior. But even at those times, we don’t need to manipulate their behavior.

*Yes, there are affiliate links in this post. Please help a fellow out. Click on the link and buy a book. It’s the right thing to do. You’re wrong if you don’t do that. Wait! What?

Oh, and by the way, here is another affiliate link if you are interested.

I know this may shock you, but my family and I have a terrible struggle with keeping a scheduled family Bible study and prayer time. We’ve learned all kinds of great ways to study and pray together. I’ve written about one of my favorites on this blog. But despite how inspiring some of these methods are, we get them started, do well for a while, and then it falls off. The struggle is often with making the schedules work. I don’t have a set schedule. I’ll have meetings come up or studies come up or I’ll have to go out of town. Or maybe something comes up for Marita or the kids. It gets in the way of our Bible study and prayer schedule and then, after a few misses, the habit is broken. A few weeks or months later, we are convicted about our lack of devotion and we get back on the family Bible study bandwagon feeling all kinds of shame and guilt.

If you’re like us, I’ve got something that might help. We’ve discovered a way to overcome this struggle. At least it is working for us. Although all kinds of things mess up our schedules every week and keep us from being able to set a timed schedule for Bible study, we recognized that we are actually pretty good at making sure we eat no matter what our scheduling does. No, we don’t actually get three family meals together every day. But we do get several family meals together each week.

So, we bought two cheap Bibles (Bibles that we didn’t mind getting a little food or drink spilled on them). Then we set them on our two tables. Now we have a reminder every time we sit down to eat to pull the Bible out and discuss it. We read a chapter and talk about it and then we pray.

This has been great for us because we are studying, praying, and having quality family time in actual communication. What is really great about this (since we are going through Proverbs right now) is how it has helped with discipline. We keep coming across Proverbs that apply to real life situations in our family. When one of us crosses the line on something, we’ve probably read a proverb about it that day. Now it is no longer just parents disciplining children; it is God disciplining our family.

You may not struggle with the scheduling. But if you do, I recommend this approach. See if it doesn’t help. Make sure you come back and let us know how it helps.

What do you do to help you study with your family? Click here to add your input.

They have been patiently waiting for you to come home. They can’t wait to see you. You are their Dad, their leader. They want to be like you. They want you to love them. Those first few moments through the door will mean so much. So, here are my top 5 things you can say to them when you walk through the door. Try some tonight and let us know how it works.

#1. I love you.

Does this actually need explanation? We walk through the door, tired, exhausted and we forget that our kids need this affirmation all the time. Run up to them like they are the greatest person in the world, give them a hug and say, “I love you.”

#2. I missed you today, I’m so glad to see you.

Your kids are desperately glad to see you. Let them know the feeling is mutual. Let them know they are important to you. When my kids were 2, they would all come running up to me as I walked through the door like I was the most important person in the world to them. I want them to feel that same way every time I walk through the door.

#3. What happened in your world today?

Don’t be so caught up in your own world that you forget about your kids. Ask them about their day. Then listen without judgment. Get down on their level. Sit down with them on the couch. If they are still small enough, let them sit in your lap. Look them in the eye and then listen intently. Rejoice about whatever they are rejoicing. Weep about whatever they are weeping.

#4. What can we do together tonight?

Spend some time with them. Let them know you want to spend time with them. Spend some time doing what they want. Do they want to throw the football, do it. Do they want to have a play teatime, do it. Do they want to put together a puzzle, do it. I know you may not be able to do this every night. But do it some time. Do it regularly.

#5. Do you know why I love you?

This is one of my favorite things to ask my kids. Certainly, you might answer this with reasons of your own. “I love you because you’re cute.” “…you are funny.” “…you are fun.” But, I don’t like these answers because it suggests if they ever think they aren’t cute, funny, fun or whatever that you won’t love them anymore. Instead, I tell my kids, “I love you because you’re you.” I tell my kids, “I love you because you’re Trina.” “I love you because you’re Ryan.” “I love you because you’re Ethan.” “I love you because you’re Tessa.” As long as they are who they are, I’ll love them. One of the most precious moments in my life was when two-year-old Trina said, “You know why I love you?” “Why?” “I love you cuz you Daddy.” Can’t beat that.

I know you’re tired when you get home. I know you want to slink off into your man cave. I know you want to slip away into a world of televised escape. But first, say something to your kids. Let them know how important they are to you. By the way, don’t forget you are also coming home to your wife. Click here for some things you can say to her.

Maybe I missed something you’ve found that is great to say to your kids when you get home. What do you say to your kids when you get home? You can add your input by clicking here.