Many of you know I run a Bible reading blog as well (giveattentiontoreading.com). Today’s reading really hit me with the example of Jesus having compassion on the crowds even when He was mourning for the loss of His cousin, John. At the other blog, I just talked about taking time for others in general.

However, what was really on my mind was my kids. Sadly, all too often I get so caught up in me that I simply don’t have time for my kids. We bought Backyard Ballistics, The Art of the Catapult, and even How to Build Treehouses, Huts and Forts, but have I done anything with them out of any of them? No. (Oh, by the way, in the interest of fairness in advertising and because the law requires that I tell you, those really are affiliate links. Click on them. Buy them. Most importantly use them with your kids.)

We allow each of our children to be involved in one sport at a time. But when its game or practice time, I’m usually irritated for the interruption in my schedule. Marita often asks me to be involved in more of their homeschooling activities and I often come up with a really good excuse to put her off. 

I could go on and on with good examples of how selfish I can be as a father, but I’m feeling enough shame and guilt as it is. The sad thing is if I’m not careful I can get so caught up in all my good work that I simply can’t be bothered by my kids and that is what they become to me–a bother. 

Oh sure, there are times when I really do have very important things that need to be done and I simply cannot do something with my kids at those times. Further, there are times when I need to direct them in their own activities and they don’t have time to do something with me. However, I have to remember that one of the most important jobs God has given me is the stewarding of these four blessings. I can’t raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord if I find an excuse to avoid most of our time together because it doesn’t fit on my grand schedule for my plans. 

I’m trying to remember that there will be plenty of years down the line when they are no longer in my home and I’ll no longer have the opportunity to be bothered by them. I need to make the most of those opportunities right now.

Have a great day and spend some time with your kids.

__________

Check out the books I mentioned, they really are great.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the #1 reason you should own a dog. That reason was that walking the dog helps provide a pause button before you blow up with anger. The problem is, even after writing that, I don’t alway remember to go walk the dog.

Last week I blew up at my daughter, Tessa, ironically enough about the dog. When I say I blew up, I mean volcanic eruption. Yelling, hateful speech, belittling and hurting. It was so awful, her only response was to break down in tears. That broke my heart. To know that I was the cause of such sadness and pain kills me. The problem is that it is too late to take it back. The damage has been done. However, just because the damage has been done doesn’t mean I just ask for God’s forgiveness and move on without looking back.

Matthew 5:23-24 says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” What was sacrifice for under the Old Covenant? It wasn’t just an act of worship. Sacrifice was the means by which the Jews became reconciled with God for their sins. What then is Jesus saying? He’s saying that before I strive to be reconciled with God over some sin of mine, I need to reconcile with the person against whom I sinned. I can’t sin against people all day and then think a nightly prayer of confession wipes my slate clean. I need to be busy reconciling.

When I blew up at Tessa, I immediately knew I had done wrong. (I don’t treat that lightly. There was a time when I didn’t recognize that blowing up at my children was wrong. This immediate recognition is progress for me.) Within two minutes I had apologized. However, my apology went something like this, “Tessa, I’m sorry I blew up at you. But I’m just so tired of you arguing with me. You have to quit arguing with me and disrespecting me. I’m the parent in this relationship and you are supposed to do what I tell you without backtalking.”

Can you already see the problem? Sure, I said the words, “I’m sorry.” But I didn’t apologize. I didn’t seek amends. I didn’t reconcile. I actually just used those words to start another harangue on my daughter. I didn’t take responsibility for my actions. Rather, I admitted I had done something wrong but placed the responsibility on Tessa. The “apology” was more about what I thought she had done wrong than what I knew I had done wrong.

Sadly, my conviction on this flawed apology was a little bit slower in coming. It took all day for this conviction to come. (As a side note, this happened last Tuesday morning, which may explain why I was in no mood to get last week’s post up on a Springboard for Your Family.)

However, when I got home last week after our gospel meeting with Terry Francis, I pulled Tessa aside and offered a true apology, amends, reconciliation. Here is essentially what I said.

“Tessa, I need to offer you an apology. This morning when you argued with me, I blew up at you. That was wrong of me. I’m sorry. Then I offered an apology that wasn’t really an apology but actually a justification. I really blamed you for my sin. I do think you were wrong for arguing with me and disrespecting with me. But my angry outburst was not your fault. I acted like you were to blame when I was the one who blew up. Your arguing and my blowing up were two different things. I’m sorry for blowing up at you and I’m sorry for blaming you. I don’t want you to think you were at fault for my sin. Will you please forgive me?” She said yes and we hugged.

Please notice some things here that will help as we strive to reconcile with folks.

1) Take personal responsibility.

My angry outburst was mine. It wasn’t Tessa’s. Did she do something wrong? Sure. But that was hers and not mine. It doesn’t matter what anyone else does, I’m not given permission to sin. Therefore, when I’m seeking forgiveness and reconciliation I must not shift the responsibility to anyone else. When I do, I’m not really apologizing.

2) State the sin/wrong/hurt.

Many times, I want to gloss over my wrongs by just offering some kind of general apology or plea for reconciliation. However, if I really want reconciliation, I won’t gloss over but I will validate the other person’s feelings of hurt and anger by stating exactly what I did. I blew up. I justified. I acted like I was apologizing when I wasn’t. The way I avoided this in my second apology (first real apology) was to actually state all the sins I had committed, all the hurts I had administered. This showed that I really had thought about what I had done. I really did have remorse about the hurt. 

Before someone cries, “Wait a minute, God never said I had to list all the hurts,” let me make a comment. I’m not trying to write a 5-step plan for being forgiven by God so you can go to heaven. I’m writing what I’ve learned actually helps me reconcile with others. God did say you needed to reconcile with those you had wronged. I’ve learned this helps accomplish what God has asked of us.

3) State that it was a sin.

Certainly, sometimes I make errors in judgment or mistakes. When that is all I’ve done, that is all I need to admit to. However, when I’ve actually sinned (and wrathful outbursts and clamoring really are sins even when they are directed toward my children–Ephesians 4:31), I need to admit what I did. I shouldn’t minimize it. I shouldn’t play it down. I need to call a spade a spade and a sin a sin. Otherwise, I’m still not really apologizing and reconciling, am I?

4) Don’t demand the other apologize.

Tessa did wrong with her disrespectful argument and disobedience. But that didn’t need to be dealt with as I apologized for my sin. The fact is my apology would come off as manipulative if it appeared like my apology was actually fishing for Tessa to offer how own apology for her wrongs.

Don’t misunderstand, if someone has sinned against you, you should talk to them about it. I’m just saying the midst of your own apology is not the place to do it.

5) Ask for forgiveness.

When I’ve sinned, what I need most is forgiveness. I didn’t need to simply apologize and move on. I needed to put the ball in Tessa’s court. As much as it depends on me, I should be at peace with all people (Romans 12:18). That means I need to do my part. My part is to recognize my wrong, apologize, and seek forgiveness. When I’ve done that, then as far as it depends on me, I’m living peaceably with others.

6) Don’t act like forgiveness is owed.

You can’t see this point in my actual words, but rather in the omission of words. Fortunately, Tessa immediately agreed to forgive me. We hugged and moved on in our relationship. But what if she hadn’t forgiven me? What if she had said, “Dad, if this were the first time, I would forgive you. But this is the 100th time that I can recall. I’m just not ready to forgive you right now. Maybe later.” How should I respond?

This is a tough one for Christians because we immediately want to bring out Luke 17:3-4. “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in a day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” When we’ve done wrong and the other person is not forgiving us, we like to hammer him/her with this passage. But think through this for a moment.

If I’m asking Tessa for forgiveness, I’m asking for mercy. I’m asking for something I haven’t earned. Something that by definition she is not obligated by our relationship to give me. The problem is we Christians are often like little children and the word “Please.” When trying to teach my children manners and how to use the word “please,” we always hit a phase in which the child thinks that because they said “please” they are owed what they asked for. We tend to think that because we said, “I’m sorry; will you please forgive me,” the other person owes it to us and we start bludgeon them with the Bible when they are reluctant.

Here’s the problem. Should Tessa forgive me? Absolutely. But not because of me. She doesn’t owe me. She owes God. If she refused to forgive me, is that a problem. Absolutely. But that is between her and God, not between her and me. Should someone hold her accountable to God’s standard of forgiveness. Absolutely. But that is not my place. If I act like I’m owed this forgiveness I’m asking for, then I’m not actually asking for forgiveness am I. Forgiveness, by definition, is something not owed to me. 

If Tessa had trouble forgiving me, instead of holding Luke 17:3-4 over her head, I need to apologize again for setting a stumbling block before her. I sinned against her so badly that she is finding it hard to submit to God’s will. Far from acting like the truly spiritual one, I need to humbly make reconciliation for that further sin on my part.

I really hate to share this huge flub on my part. I’d rather get to come off as one of those guys who has done it all right and if you would just be like me you could do it all right too. Regrettably, that is just not the role God is letting me play. Instead, I hope you can learn from my school of hard knocks so you don’t have to go through them.

Yesterday, you got to hear my initial thoughts about Jody Lusk’s sins from a preacher’s perspective and from a fellow sinner’s perspective. Today, in my Springboard for Your Family, let me share my thoughts from a father’s perspective.

I just can’t help but notice that Jody was my age and that the victim was my daughter’s age. Okay, he’s a year younger than me, and she was a year older than my daughter. But it is just too close for comfort. We just couldn’t get that out of our heads. On Sunday, Marita and I sat down with our little girl (whose not so little anymore) and had a good long talk with her. It grossed her out and she can’t imagine anything like that happening, but at least she now knows she can talk to us if she needs to.

Here is the problem. Most of the time, we try to protect our kids from this sort of attack by screening their friends. We have to know their friends’ parents. We have to meet their teachers. We want to be sure who they are with all the time. But let’s face it, who thinks they need to screen their preacher? And while I’m all for screening friends and friends’ families, I’m pretty convinced that is not going to protect our children as much as we would like. We just aren’t as good at judging character as we might like to think.

The best defense is a good offense. That is, prepare your children for the potential possibility. Here are some keys you need to pass on to your children.

1. Of utmost importance, talk to them about sex. Let them get comfortable talking to you about it. You want to be the one they come to when they have questions.
2. Teach your children that it is natural to be curious about sexual things. There is nothing wrong with them being curious. Let them know you will answer any questions you can at age appropriate levels as they grow up. Tell them, however, that the appropriate place for really pursuing this curiosity is in marriage. Let them know what a joy it is and what a blessing it is to be able to reserve that curiosity for marriage. If you didn’t do that yourself, let your children know what damage was caused by your own inappropriately pursued curiosity.
3. Let them know appropriate touching boundaries. A great boundary I learned and have passed on is touching in soft places is out of bounds, while touching in hard places (like shoulders, top of the head) is probably okay.
4. Let them know that they are allowed to make a boundary about anything that makes them uncomfortable. They are allowed to tell people when they have made the child uncomfortable. And they are allowed to let you know if anyone has made them feel uncomfortable.
5. Let them know that if an adult exposes his or her private parts, that is not appropriate. If an adult asks the child to expose his or her private parts, that is not appropriate. Also let them know that it is not appropriate for anyone to show them, text them, or e-mail them pictures or videos in which adults or children are exposing their private parts. (Yes, you probably need to state the exception of doctors, but a parent needs to be present when the doctor is examining the child.)
6. Let them know that certain kinds of touching are just plain inappropriate and no matter what an adult says to coax them into it, they need to simply scream and run.
7. Let them know that if a stranger tries to grab them, no matter what the stranger says, they need to scream as loud as they can and run if they can. Even if the stranger says he will hurt them unless they stay quiet. We have explained to our children that if a stranger is taking them, he is going to hurt them anyway. Their chances of being safe are much better if they scream there in public than after they get put in a car or taken to a house. As a side note, you might even give them some advice about how to get away. For instance, if shoved into a car, the child doesn’t have to stay there, they can immediately crawl through to other side and get out there.
8. Let them know that an adult should be asking other adults for help, not kids. Adults don’t need the help of children to find their missing dog or to get directions to some street or address. If an adult asks for help, teach the child to back away and say, “I’ll get my parents. They’ll help you.”
9. Since you’ve talked to them about sex, remind them that it will be a wonderful thing for them when they get married, but it is not appropriate for anyone, especially an adult, to talk to them about or perform with them. Even explain to them some of the ways an adult might try to convince them to do something sexual. On Sunday, I told Tessa about a friend of mine in high school who was 16 or perhaps 17. A twenty-something co-worker pulled an awfully manipulative ploy with her. He knew she was afraid that if she was a virgin when she married, she might not know how to have sex. He offered to teach her. Notice, he didn’t offer to marry her. We explained to Tessa that she didn’t need to have fears about knowing how when she got married. Part of the joy of marriage is learning how with her husband. That was the part of the discussion that really grossed her out. To be honest, I was glad it did.
10. Let your children know that love doesn’t equal sex. Explain that if an adult really loved them, they would be protecting the child’s sexuality not exploring it or exploiting it. If an adult tells them this is what people who love each other do, let your child know that adult is lying. Let your children know that sex is not what everyone does who loves them. Even use yourselves as examples. That is, let the child know, “Do I love you? Do you love me? But it is inappropriate for us to do sexual things. That is just for mommy and daddy.” 
11. Let your children know that it doesn’t matter who it is that does any of these things, older sibling, cousin, aunt, uncle, father, mother, preacher, teacher, older neighborhood kid, friend, friend’s family member, they can tell you about it and you will still love them. We, that is Marita and I, even tell our children while in each other’s presence that if the offender is one of us, they have our permission to talk to the other parent or even tell some other adult who has authority in their lives like the police or one of the elders in our church.
12. Let your children know how serious it is to lie about these issues, but that you will trust them if they tell you anything about what someone has done to them. Then do that.
13. Let your children know that if someone else has violated any of these boundaries or does violate any of these boundaries, it is not their fault. You will not hold it against them. They have done nothing wrong. They can tell you and all you will do is love them and help them deal with whatever has happened.

When you have this discussion, ask your children if anyone has ever done any of these things. Make it safe for them to be honest. If they need to, let them cry, let them rage, let them vent. If they tell you about something, please, do not think you have to handle this alone. Share your need with your elders in the church and get some professional help from a counselor with a Christian background. 

Following these steps does not mean your children will never be violated. However, it is a great defense to inoculate them and prepare them. And it is of utmost importance that you let them get comfortable talking with you about all aspects of sexuality. As I said, you want them to come to you when they have questions. 

Finally, if something like this has happened to your children or ever does, please don’t blame yourself. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I know that kids with poor home lives are far more susceptible to this kind of attack. Certainly, if you’ve been sinning in raising your kids in any way, you need to repent. However, let’s be honest, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all make mistakes. But our mistakes do not justify the sins of a sexual predator. The fault for sexual attack lies with the predator, not with the victim or the victims parents.

By the way, if you need help talking to your kids about sex, check out this associate link for a great book that will give you guidance on what to say to your children at all ages.

P.S. If you are the perpetrator of any of these sins and crimes, I know this is not something that you want to do in your moments of sanity. I know you are filled with guilt and shame. I am certain you want to stop. Let me encourage you right now to do something about it. Don’t think you are now strong enough to never do it again. Get help immediately. Turn yourself in for treatment. Report yourself to the authorities. Find a counselor. Do something. I know you will likely lose your job. I know your friends and family may ostracize you if you admit to it. I know you may even have to spend time in jail. But that is far better than hurting another child again. And in your heart of hearts you know that is true as well.

I’ve heard some very frightening things as a parent. I’ve heard about statistics for teenage pregnancies, teenage drug-use, child molestation. I’ve seen shows about children being kidnapped. I’ve heard stories about children being hurt. But none of this even comes close to the most frightening thing I’ve ever heard as a parent.

Nope. One statement takes the cake. John Maxwell said it. I can’t remember what book or lesson it was in. I just know he’s the one I heard it from and I know it has stuck with me for a long time. It is really having a big impact on me today because yesterday Marita and I had to get onto all of our kids regarding how they were treating each other. I was listening to us as we especially tried to explain to Tessa how the way she acts influences others. When we were saying that, this one frightening statement hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I’m sure it won’t scare some of you the way it frightens me, but I want to put it out there for you to think upon and grow wise.

Are you ready?

“We teach what we know, we reproduce what we are.”

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! I wish I could run and hide. Here’s what I’ve taken from it. Before I can even remotely try to fix my kids, I’ve got to work on me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know I still have to step up and teach my kids what I know. But before I arrogantly wonder how on earth kids that behave like this came from me, I should spend a little more time looking at me honestly.

OOOPS! Two weeks ago I started a two part article on laying a foundation so our kids will know what to do when they messed up and totally forgot to post part 2 last Tuesday for the Springboard for Your Family. Sorry about that. I hope all of you who showed up last Tuesday for this second part will forgive me and accept today’s posting in penance.

4 More Keys to Lay a Foundation So Your Kids Will Know What To Do When They Mess Up

We’ve already learned that we aren’t going to raise the next Jesus. Our kids will not be perfect. If we keep training them in perfection, we are only going to increase their toxic shame when they come face to face with how imperfect they are. Instead, we need to lay a foundation for what to do when they realize how imperfect they are.

In the last installment of this series, we learned…

1. Be emotionally, mentally, spiritually healthy yourself.
2. Don’t discipline out of embarrassment.
3. Share your own mistakes with your kids.
4. Say you’re sorry and seek forgiveness when your mistakes were with your kids.

Here are 4 more keys.

5. Don’t lecture and browbeat.

I’m writing this point for me more than for you. This is my discipline method of choice when I’m just running in natural mode. My kids do something wrong and out comes the lecturer. I don’t know how many times Marita has had to say, “You just don’t know how you sound when you talk like that.”

This form of discipline says I’m going to harshly talk my way into your heart and browbeat you into submission on everything I say about this. It will brook no disagreements. It will allow no responses. It will simply keep hammering away at you until you are whimpering out a “Yes Sir.”

I’m certainly convinced that when I get into that mode, my point is correct. The problem is I’ve never gotten anyone to agree with me when I take that approach, especially not my children. Rather, what I do with each harsh statement, with each shaming name, with each verbal barrage is teach my kids to take their medicine and get to the “Yes Sir” so they can escape. They haven’t learned anything. They haven’t agreed. They haven’t change. I’ve simply vented my spleen on them, made them feel small, and sent them on their way.

There is certainly time for talking. But lecturing and browbeating doesn’t work very often. It may produce a momentary submission, but it doesn’t help the child know how to really deal with sin.

6. Let them know God can overcome sin when they can’t.

I remember one time with Tessa that I so wish I could take back. She was in trouble for mistreating her brother and she said, “I try, Dad, I really do. I just can’t seem to help myself.” Back then, in my spiritual immaturity, I said, “You can do it. You just don’t really want to. You need to try harder.” The problem was at the time I was telling myself that exact same thing about the sins I was trying to overcome and it wasn’t working for me. Why would I expect it to work for her? Sadly, this is the approach Christians take all too often with everything.

Since then I’ve learned that I can’t overcome my sins on my own (cf. Romans 7:14-25). But God can. If I’ll just turn my life over to Him completely, Jesus Christ will conquer my sins through me. That is the message I needed to convey and am now trying to convey to my kids. Tessa is absolutely right. She can’t overcome the sin that she has honed to a “nature of wrath.” But God can. God has promised to free her from that sin if she’ll simply turn her life over to Him every day. 

Don’t simply tell your kids to try harder. Don’t simply tell them to choose better. Tell them to turn to God to overcome. Let them know God’s plan for forgiveness and victory over sin. 

7. When they actually talk, let them do so without fear of reprisal.

I certainly struggle with this. I do believe that even when people admit what they did was wrong, sometimes there still needs to be disciplinary measures taken. 

However, at the same time, our kids need to know they can come let us know what they did when they sinned. Trust me, if our kids think the only response they’ll get when they admit their sin to us is a lecture and a spanking, they are not likely to let us know what they did-even if they are scared, penitent, remorseful. They’ll either internalize it or they’ll go to their peers. As we said in part 1, they won’t get good help from their peers.

Our children need to know that we know they’ll make mistakes and when they come to us with penitence, we’ll forgive them and help them overcome. 

Allow me to share one approach that has worked for us on occasion. When one of our children penitently admits to doing something wrong, we thank them for their honesty. Then we talk through why they sinned. We talk about the natural consequences of the sin. If this was a violation of a rule for which we believe discipline is necessary we then talk with them about what they think is a fair discipline considering what they did and where they are mentally and emotionally with the sin. I’ve been amazed how maturely our children handle the discipline even in these situations.

8. Always reaffirm your love for your children.

I don’t care what your children did or what kind of disciplinary measures you have had to take. Always reaffirm your love for your child. This is not a codependent spluttering apology because you are afraid your child won’t love you because of the discipline. If that is what you are doing, refer back to point one in the first article. 

Your children need to know you love them. They don’t just need to hear that when they’ve done good things. They need to hear that all the time. They need to know you are proud of them all the time. They need to know you are glad they are in the family all the time.

When they say things that have shocked you, let them know you love them. When they have embarrassed you, let them know you love them. When they mess up big, let them know you love them. When they are behaving properly, let them know you love them.

Do not do this in an aren’t-you-lucky-I’m-so-loving way. Just let them know that you love them.

I certainly don’t think there is a fail-proof way to parent. All too often I get caught up in my own crazy making of wondering how my kids are going to turn out. Some days I think they’ll be wonderful. Other days I think I’m ruining them. However, I’m convinced they won’t be perfect. When they aren’t, they need to know they can come to me and find the help and support they need to overcome.

Last Tuesday, we learned there was only one Jesus and our kids aren’t Him. Every single one of our kids is going to grow up to sin, just like us. We won’t stop that. We need to quit making the attempt because it only puts undue pressure on us and our kids. Don’t read that to say we should quit trying to influence our kids for good. I’m simply saying we should quit trying to train our kids to be perfect and instead lay a foundation with them to know what to do when they are not.

I’d like to share 8 keys I believe will help you lay that foundation. By the way, these aren’t the 8 things we do in our home and wish you would do. These are things I’m trying to work on so I can be better in my home. I hope they help you. I’ll give the first four today and next Tuesday we’ll finish up with the others.

1. Be emotionally, spiritually, mentally healthy yourself.

If you’ve got emotional, mental, or spiritual imbalance, you’ll pass that on to your kids. If I’m compulsive about what others think, I’m going to inappropriately discipline my children when I think they make others look down on me. If I’ve filled with pride, I’m going to incorrectly discipline my children when they make me look bad. If I have codependency issues, I won’t discipline my kids properly when they need, fearing that they’ll abandon me. Of course, then when they push me over the edge, I’ll go over the top and they might just abandon me.

Before I even try to discipline my children, I need to be working on cleaning up my side of the street, working on my issues.

2. Don’t discipline your children out of embarrassment.

I’ve heard people say repeatedly you should never discipline your children when you’re angry. I’m not sure I agree. I think when children rebel, it should cause a healthy anger. I don’t think you have to wait until you are no longer angry to provide an appropriate discipline. I think it is possible if you have a healthy anger to still discipline them appropriately. Surely, if your anger has you out of control, wait until you can see clearly to administer discipline.

However, you should never discipline because you are embarrassed. We need to remember that discipline is intended to help our children grow to maturity. It is not a chance for us to vent our embarrassment. Like that time when Ryan was 4 or 5 and saw a man who had some deformity. He said, loudly, “Mom, that man has a hole in his head.” An embarrassed parent might yank the child up from by his arm, take him to the car, and whip him and he never even know what he’s being disciplined for. Granted, in that situation we all know he didn’t do anything wrong. He was just curious and curiosity is not wrong.

Even when the child does do something wrong, more often than not overboard discipline comes from embarrassment. After all, we want everyone to think we are the best parents ever. They’ll only think that if our kids never, ever do anything wrong. Therefore, our discipline is often from a point of embarrassment and not from a point of helping them learn and grow. Junior says a cuss word and we are suddenly worried the whole world thinks we are rotten parents. We give them a spanking that they’ll never forget. Or perhaps little 8-year-old Suzy wet her pants in front of some other parents. Or maybe little Bobby back talks a teacher. 

Before you discipline ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I’m embarrassed? Or am I doing this because this is what will help my child grow?” 

3. Share your own mistakes with your children.

We are so afraid to let our kids know we were anything less than perfect. We fear if we let them know all the wrong things we did it will be giving them tacit permission to do them too. That really isn’t the case. Oh, I’m sure some children will pull that defensive maneuver when they are trying to get out of some discipline. However, the benefits far outweigh that little difficulty.

The benefits are when your children know you weren’t perfect, they are much more likely to talk to you when they’ve messed up. If they think you were perfect, they’ll think you can’t possibly understand why they made a mistake. They won’t come to you for help. They won’t come to you for forgiveness. Instead, they’ll turn to others. They’ll turn to peers. Be assured, they are not likely to get great advice for overcoming mistakes from their peers. 

Not to mention, when your children think you are perfect, that just increased their toxic shame all the more. When they know you messed up, they’ll be able to see that mistakes are normal and can be overcome. They can grow up to be a decent person even though they committed some sin. They can go to heaven even though they screwed up royally.

I don’t know how many times I’ve spent 10 or 15 minutes letting my kids have it for something they did or didn’t do or some way they have acted only to remember at the close of it that I did the exact same thing as a child. I don’t know how many lectures I’ve given my son about being lazy. When I’m done, I remember, “Oh yeah, I got those same lectures. They didn’t help me very much. Wonder why I think they’ll help him.” The whole thing would probably be better if I let him know I understand how he feels, share with him the consequences, and then work with him to come up with an action plan to overcome.

4. Say you’re sorry and seek forgiveness when you’ve wronged your kids.

Tied in with sharing your mistakes with your kids is telling your children you’re sorry when your mistake was against them. Ask them to forgive you. Yes, you heard me. When you’ve wronged your children you need to ask their forgiveness. 

Why? First, because you need their forgiveness. Second, because a rift has come in the relationship and they need to go through the process of forgiving you so that rift can heal. Third, because your children need to see you set the example about how to act when you’ve made a mistake or committed a sin. When they see this example, they learn that they can come to you in just the same way, saying they are sorry, and seeking forgiveness. Further, they’ll learn they can do that with God.

Here’s the heart of the matter, you think you can hide your wrong from your children, but you can’t. Your children will see you at your worst and they are smart enough to know when you’ve done wrong. If you carry on a pretense like you haven’t done wrong, they’ll only see hypocrisy. The usual response is not for kids to grow up and decide not to be hypocrites by always sharing their wrongs and overcoming them. No, usually their response is not to be a hypocrite by just not caring about what is right or wrong.

The best way to overcome this is to display what being a growing person is really all about. It is not about being perfect. It is about recognizing and repenting of our sins.

If you work on these four keys, you are well on your way to laying a foundation to prepare your children for how to deal with their own mistakes and sins. Trust me, that will be way better than leaving them shamed and broken because they realize they aren’t perfect.

Make sure you come back next week for four more keys to preparing your children to deal with their mistakes and sins.

Seemingly, one of the most difficult aspects of parenting is to pass on spiritual disciplines such as daily Bible study and prayer. I’ve heard many state they don’t have time. I’ve heard many state they just keep putting it off. However, perhaps the most often used reason is, “I just don’t know how.” Today’s springboard for your family will provide you an excellent practical way to pass on both spiritual disciplines at one time.

Why Bother?

However, before I give you that tool, let’s first back up and understand that this is not homework. This is not an issue of having to study and pray enough to be good enough to go to heaven. This is not an issue of if we miss a day, we’ll go to hell. Do you remember what Peter said to Jesus in John 6:68 when Jesus had asked if the disciples wanted to leave Him? Peter said Jesus had the words of life, where else would they go? We don’t study the Bible to be good enough to go to heaven. We study the Bible because it contains Jesus’ words of life. There is no other source for life. Thus, if we don’t get in the word, we’ll have death.

In like manner, note Psalm 145:18: “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” If the Lord is near those who call on Him, what does that mean about those who don’t? We do not pray to be good enough to go to heaven. We pray because that is what draws us close to God. If we are not close to God, the adversary will eat us for lunch.

We don’t do these things as a checklist to get the right things done. We do them because life is contained in these disciplines. If we don’t do them, we’ll die. Think of it like insulin for the diabetic. The diabetic doesn’t take insulin because he/she has to, has been assigned to, or wants to be good enough. Absolutely not. Rather, the diabetic takes insulin because without it the result is a diabetic coma and death. These disciplines are our medicine that keep us connected to the real power of God.

So, are you ready for this revolutionary tool to help you practice these disciplines and pass them on to your children? I admit, I adapted this from my good friend David Banning, who in turn, took it from the creators of the Our Spiritual Heritage Bible class curriculum. We call it “Praying through the Bible.” Here’s how it works.

Praying through the Bible

Gather your family together and let each person have a sheet of paper. On the sheet of paper write five sentence starters with space in between.

“Dear God, You are…”

“Dear God, You…”

“Dear God, forgive me for…”

“Dear God, thank you for…”

“Dear God, help…”

Then, have someone read a section of scripture. You may read a whole chapter. You may read a whole story. You may read a few verses that contain some powerful messages. As the reading is being done, have everyone work on completing those sentences based upon the reading.

For example: Read Genesis 1. You might finish the sentences in this way.

“Dear God, You are the creator of all things and the giver of life.”

“Dear God, You created the world and everything in it.”

“Dear God, forgive me for not taking better care of Your creation and not giving You the proper praise for Your great power and might.”

“Dear God, thank You for providing such a wonderful world, perfectly suited for us to live.”

“Dear God, help my faith in You as creator and sovereign Lord of the universe grow every day.”

Trust me, you’ll be amazed at the answers your children come up with.

When you are done with the reading, discuss what everyone has written down. Can you see how this part is great Bible study. Without saying, “We’re going to study Genesis 1,” you have studied and discussed it with your children. After discussing the passage, go around the room and let everyone pray. I always tell my children that they can pray about whatever they want, but we do want them to be sure to pray through what they have written down. You might even keep a journal of what everyone says so you can look back over what you’ve learned and prayed about.

By the way, if your children didn’t come up with an ending for some of the sentences, don’t worry about it. As they hear yours, they’ll get better at it.

Yes, this takes some time. Yes, this takes some work. Yes, it will take some discipline from us as parents. But it will be worth it. It will revolutionize your family prayer life.

Thanks for jumping on today’s springboard. I hope it gives you a great boost in your family life.

The three rules of unhealthy families are

Rule #1: Don’t Feel

Rule #2: Don’t Trust

Rule #3: Don’t Talk

We’ve learned over the past two weeks that these rules are a sure fire way to lead our kids into addictions and failed relationships. I’ll repeat, there’s no fool proof way of having happy healthy kids. But we can certainly give our kids a leg up if we learn to break these rules. 

Nobody thinks they live by the last rule. At least, I haven’t been with any families who declare they have taken a vow of silence. They talk. They talk about football, baseball and the Olympics. They discuss the weather. They share the latest office gossip. They talk about every one else’s problems. But when it comes to anything truly deep, meaningful and personal, they are silent as the grave. Instead of talking, they toss around jokes (all the while declaring the jokes demonstrate they are emotionally healthy), they rage, they minimize, they sidestep, they stonewall. 

Few families actually allow talk about feelings, problems or embarrassing situations. There may be a huge pink elephant in the room. Most families will walk gingerly around it and never say anything, pretending it’s not in the way and doesn’t smell.

We’ll start with the big pink elephant rearing its head in this blog post. Junior comes home from school and says, “Mom, what’s oral sex?” Mom gasps and drops her coffee cup on the floor. As she hurriedly runs to grab a towel she shouts, “Where did you hear about that?” “Tommy said his older brother’s girlfriend does it.” “What!? We don’t talk about that. I don’t want you talking to Tommy anymore.” Junior just learned, in his family, you’re not allowed to talk about sex. Where will Junior go one day when he’s experiencing sexual feelings and is really interested in finding out more about it? Not Mom and Dad, it’s against the rules to talk about sex in their family.

How about this scenario? Susie’s still dressed in her volleyball uniform when Dad gets home from work late. “Dad, you said you’d be at my game this time.” Dad, already frustrated from a tough day at the office harshly replies, “Look, I don’t want to talk about it. When you’re an adult you’ll understand.” What did Susie learn? Her family doesn’t talk about hurts and feelings. Where will she go one day when she’s really hurt by some young man? Not her parents. We don’t talk about hurts here. 

Or yet another. Pre-teen Johnny asks his Mom, “Why does our church do such and such? Jimmy’s church doesn’t do that.” Mom, likely not very sure herself responds, “Because that’s what God said and I won’t let you go around questioning what God said. Do you understand me, young man?” What did Johnny learn? In our family we aren’t allowed to talk about spiritual questions and especially disagreements. Where will Johnny go one day when he’s really having a crisis of faith? Not his parents. They don’t talk about spiritual matters in their family.

I hate to bring up this one because this is one where I follow the rules too often. Dad rebukes Mary for something. Mary, having been unjustly accused and misunderstood, “But, Dad…” “No ‘buts,’ young lady. You will listen to me and you won’t give me any lip. Do you understand?” What did Mary learn? I’m not allowed to talk about injustice when I’ve been wronged or speak up in my own defense. Where will Mary go when someone touches her inappropriately and made her feel uncomfortable and dirty? Not to Mom and Dad. She’s knows what the person did was wrong but knows just as firmly her parents will blame her and she’s not allowed to speak up in her own defense.

Things we’re definitely not allowed to talk about. Dad’s alcoholism, Mom’s raging fits. The black sheep older brother who’s taking drugs and got a girl pregnant. The teenager next door who has spiked green hair and a chain running from his pierced nose to his pierced ear. We don’t talk about sex. We don’t talk about death and dying. We don’t talk about our hurts. We don’t talk about our feelings. We’re not allowed to say we’re sad. We’re definitely not allowed to say we’re mad. If we ever say we’re anything but happy, someone might even bring God into the picture, saying, “God doesn’t like it when you’re sad. You better cheer up now or I’ll give you something to cry about.” We learn that we’re not good Christians if we ever say we’re anything but, “I’m blessed.”

There’s a great little scene in the 1995 Emma Thompson version of Sense and Sensibility. Following a very trying lunch and afternoon with Mrs. Jennings, who was trying to figure out if the Dashwood girls had any suitors, Marianne rebuked Margaret for parading ignorant assumptions about a Mr. F being engaged to their sister Elinor. Marianne speaks ill of Mrs. Jennings and Margaret pipes up in her defense and Mrs. Dashwood, the girls’ mother, cuts the conversation short.

Margaret: I like her, she talks about things. We never talk about things.

Mrs. Dashwood: Hush, please. That is enough Margaret. If you cannot think of anything appropriate to say you will please restrict your remarks to the weather.

And thus we learn we are not allowed to talk about “things.” No, we haven’t taken a vow of silence, but since we’re not allowed to feel and we don’t trust anyone with our feelings anyway, we don’t talk about “things.” Sadly, in this scenario we know many things about the people with whom we live, but we don’t actually know them. And we certainly don’t want them to know us. After all, we haven’t talked about it because we don’t trust them.

Certainly, we need structure in our homes. Children should speak with respect. Children do need to learn some conversations are not appropriate in certain settings. However, we do need to let our children know it is good to talk about things. We need to learn to talk about things. Let us not restrict our remarks to the weather.

Most families learn and live by three major but unhealthy rules. 

1. Don’t Feel.

2. Don’t Trust

3. Don’t Talk

We’ll talk about the others over the next few weeks; today the first one is on my mind. I have been tested on this two times in as many days. 

Test #1

Over the weekend, Ryan cut his upper lip. It formed an unattractive scab underneath his nose. In fact, to be honest, it kind of stood out like a sore thumb. On Monday morning, I walked into his room and he had put a band-aid on. But he was also covering his mouth and saying, “I don’t want to go to school today.” The whole reason is he was embarrassed by the bandage and the cut. For an instant, my old sin enslaved self started to rear up. I reached for the band-aid to yank it off and harshly rebuke him saying, “You don’t need that stupid band-aid, take it off.” Fortunately, none of that happened. I caught myself and I stopped myself. Instead, I hugged him. Told him it was okay to be embarrassed but that he couldn’t stay home from school just because he had a cut lip. He was going to have to work through it. I also told him I didn’t think he needed the band-aid, but he was having none of that.

I was proud of him when just before he left to go wait on the driveway for the bus, I noticed the band-aid was off and he was happy.

Test #2

Last night, the weather report was that we were going to get snow. Ethan is only 9. He assumed the weather report had to be true. He wanted to stay up since he wasn’t going to school today. I had to explain to him the weather is wrong sometimes and we needed to go ahead and act like school was on schedule. Sadly, when Ethan’s alarm went off this morning. He looked outside and there was no snow. 

As I was getting ready, I thought I heard some strange noises coming from the boys’ bedroom. I walked in and Ethan was lying face down on the bed crying. The old sin-enslaved me started to rear up again. For an instant, I wanted to say, “Quit your whining and acting like a cry baby. We don’t always get what we want. Now buck up and finish getting ready for school.” Fortunately, that didn’t happen. Instead, I called him to me and gave him a hug. I let him know it was okay to be sad because he didn’t get the snow he wanted. However, even though he was sad, the next right thing was to get ready for school. Of course, I explained that we don’t always get what we want and it’s okay to be sad about that. However, we still have to keep our responsibilities. He laid back down for a few minutes and then finished getting ready.

The Springboard

Sadly, because the feelings of our children are often inconvenient (trust me, I don’t pass this test every time), we often act like their feelings are inappropriate or invalid. Even more sadly, when we do this, the message our kids get is not, “Buck up and move on,” but rather, “You are not valid.” Certainly, I know we should not be governed strictly by our feelings and emotions. However, we should be free to feel them.

Consider Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry and do not sin…” First, you need to know the phrase “be angry” is passive. That is, it is not talking about someone who is just angry. Rather, it is talking about someone who has been caused to be angry. But the anger is not wrong. They are allowed to feel the anger. Of course, when they are angered, they still have responsibilities. They cannot allow their anger to lead them to sin. But, they are allowed to feel the anger.

This is a guide for me for all emotions. My kids are allowed to be angry. They are allowed to be happy. They are allowed to be sad. They are allowed to be embarrassed. They are allowed to feel lonely, guilty, ashamed or afraid. They are allowed to feel frustrated. My job is not to squelch or strike these emotions out of their life. My job is to help them deal with them in a healthy way. My job is to help them avoid sin when they are feeling these emotions. 

Why the Title About Drugs?

I didn’t just put the title in to pique your interest. What we are discussing here is actually the heart of addictions–whether substance or process addictions. You see, the number one cause for addiction is not simply experimentation (though I don’t advise experimentation). The number one cause for addiction is having to deal with feelings I have become convinced are not valid. The anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, etc. will be there even if we try to beat it out of our kids (You know, “Stop crying or I’ll give you a reason…”). 

If we allow our kids to feel and use those as opportunities to teach them how to respond appropriately to feelings, they’ll be healthy. On the other hand, if we don’t let them feel, they’ll need to start doing something with those feelings. They’ll need to medicate them. Drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, television, internet, video games, food, they can all become addictive. 

Don’t get me wrong, there is no fail proof way to keep your kids from any of those things. But the number one key to give them a leg up and a push in the right direction is don’t give them a reason to medicate their feelings. Let them feel, affirm them in their feelings, guide them in their feelings, teach them how to deal with those feelings.

Of course, you cant’ give what you don’t have. If you’re constantly medicating your own feelings, get help or you’ll just perpetuate the cycle with your kids.

Would you like to improve your children’s ability to communicate effectively? Would you like to help them improve their vocabulary and sentence structure as they talk? Are you tired of sentences filled with “Ums,” “Uhs,” “You knows,” “likes,” “he goes,” and “she goes” and all other violence done to the language of our fathers? Would you like to help your children learn to speak publicly? Would you like to help them have confidence when they open their mouths?

There is a key that helps with all of this. No, I’m not saying it is the panacea for all our generational communication gap woes. Nor am I saying it is foolproof or failproof. But it will really help.

READ TO YOUR CHILDREN!

Yes, absolutely. Read to them. I don’t care how old they are. If they live in your home, read to them. Obviously read age appropriate stuff. If your kids are ages 2 and 5, War and Peace is not likely to help much. At the same time, if your kids are 14 and 16, they may not go for Cat in the Hat after dinner. 

Read to your kids before they know how. Read to them when they say, “I’m too old for this.” Read to them together. Read to them separately. Read to them Mom. Read to them Dad. Encourage them to read to each other. Let them read to you.

Don’t force them to only read classics. Let them read anything (provided it fits within the bounds of your standards of propriety, etc.). Maybe the only like to read sports related books, while you wish they would read To Kill a Mockingbird or The Illiad. Listen, any reading will help them.

Further, let them see you reading. Dads, don’t let your boys grow up thinking reading is for girls. Moms, don’t let your girls grow up thinking reading is men’s work. Just read to them.

Trust me, it will help (even if you can’t always tell).

If you wondering how to start, Jim Trelease has a great book The Read-Aloud Handbook: Sixth Edition (Read-Aloud Handbook). It explains why and how. It even provides a list of great books to read at different age levels. Get it and get started.