My default response to the kids is, “No.” I hear the words, “Dad, can I…” and my tongue starts tipping against the roof of my mouth automatically. “No.” I can say it sympathetically. I can say it resoundingly. I can say it firmly. I can say it at the top of my voice. I can say it in a whisper. I’m pretty good at saying, “No.” Why? Because “No” doesn’t take any thought.

Can you go over to so-and-so’s house today? I don’t want to think about it; No. Can you have this or that? I don’t want to put brain power to that; No. Can you try something or experiment with the other thing? I’m not wasting any precious thinking time on that; No.

I learned something last week. Yes is better. Oh, don’t get me wrong. No is necessary. But it doesn’t have to be the default. By default I mean, I normally have a ready made “No” and have to be convinced of a good reason to say, “Yes.” Perhaps the better approach is let the default be “Yes” and force myself to have a good reason before saying, “No.”

Last week, or maybe it was the week before, we were burning limbs at my house. Tessa had a brilliant idea. She had always wanted to hold a real life torch. She decided to grab an old sock, wrap it around the end of a stick and put it in the fire. Now that would have to be some amazing fun. But, there I was, my practiced response at the ready. I could see where this was going as soon as the sock came out, “No.” “But dad, this is an old sock that doesn’t fit me.” “NO.” “Dad, I have money to buy new socks.” “NO!”

I know, I know. Some of you are saying, “Why did you even let her argue? You said, ‘No.’ She should have said, ‘Yes, sir,’ and been done with it.” I’m sure there is some truth to that. However, when you’ve learned that the answer will always be “no” unless you give some good reasons, you get pretty practiced at firing off some good reasons while you have a chance. I think I might have a better chance of getting her to quit arguing with me if she learns that I’m a yes guy unless there is a good reason to say, “No.” If the default is always “No,” I’m guessing the rebellion will always simmer beneath the surface.

Back to my story. After saying, “No,” it hit me. Really? Why “No”? I’ve always thought it might be kind of cool to have a torch too. I’ve never gotten to hold one. I’ve only seen them in the movies. It is just a sock. We’re talking a few dollars to have an experience. How many of you have actually created your own torch? I don’t mean just putting a stick in the fire, I mean a real, honest to goodness torch that light’s up the night like a flashlight. The kind they use on Lost.

I backed up and said, “You know what, Tessa. Let’s make a torch.” Then I was in on the fun. I took some lighter fluid and completely soaked the sock. We stuck it in the flame and we had a torch. Tessa was excited. All the kids were chomping at the bit, “I want to hold it. I want to hold it.” I got to hold it too. We learned something. Torches that seem to last for hours in the movies would leave you lost in the dark in real life (unless they have some other kind of fluid to burn that lasts longer). Our torch only lasted about five minutes. But it sure was fun. The next night when we were burning another group of limbs, I was at the ready for a torch for each child. What a blast. The neighborhood kids got a kick out of it too.

The lesson for me in all of this was that “No” doesn’t have to be the default. Maybe “Yes” could start being the default. Maybe my first thought should be, “Yeah, that sounds like fun.” Then I have to think it through and see if there is a real reason to say “No.” To be sure, there will be plenty of reasons to say “No.” Something might be too dangerous, too costly, not enough time, not the right time, too mature, too immature, too hurtful, or just plain against the rules.  There will be plenty of time to say, “No.” If my kids ask to play dodge brick, I can say “No.” If they want to hang on to the hood of the car while we drive down the interstate, I’ll probably say, “No” (although that one is kind of tempting). If they want me to spend more money that we can budget on a television or some other gadget,  I can say, “No.” But it doesn’t have to be the default just because I’m too lazy to think up a reason not to do it.

I’m going to try this new approach and see how it works. My default is going to be, “Yes,” and I’ll have to think up a reason to say, “No,” instead of the other way around. Why don’t you try this for a while and see what it does for your family?

Last night was an all-time high for me. I was faced with a choice and I think I made the right one. We attempted to go to the movies on Valentines day. It was absolutely packed. We left. So, yesterday I told the boys I would take them to the movies, just them and Dad. It was going to be great. That is, until we got in the car and started to head north to Franklin and discovered the snow had started to stick and was making the roads very slippery. It was coming down torrentially (can snow come in torrents or is that just rain). I was sure it would be much worse in three hours when it came time to come home. So we just made the loop and went back home.

Ethan, who really wanted to see this movie, having already read the book, was crushed. Two days in a row of getting his hopes up and then getting them dashed at the last possible moment was just more than his ten-year-old psyche could handle. He started crying.

Now, my selfish, hardnosed self wanted to say, “Buck up. Don’t you realize this is small potatoes? Don’t you understand that we’ll see the movie later? Quit crying.” But God must have been doing for me what I can’t do for myself. In that moment, I remembered Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” It doesn’t say tell the weeping that what upsets them is unimportant. It doesn’t say simply try to cheer them up. It doesn’t say discount why they are weeping. It doesn’t say tell them to stop weeping or tell them to buck up. It says weep with those who weep. With that verse in mind I tried to understand what it must be like to have your heart set on something and two days in a row have it come crashing down. It may not be a big deal to me, but it is to him. I tried to think of some scenario in which I would be just as disappointed and sad. I can think of the time I was going to get to see all my friends from Beaumont after doing some preaching in Houston but a hurricane came through and we were all fleeing for our lives. I was extremely sad. I remember being crushed. It was nobody’s fault, that’s just the way it was, but I was so upset about it.

When we got home, I took Ethan to my room, sat in the lazyboy we have up there, and just held him as he cried. I’m very glad that my son feels safe enough with me to let his emotions show. I’m very glad that he was willing to let me hold him and console him. We were able to talk about how life is just disappointing sometimes and its okay to be sad. He then wanted to go see his mom and I let him.

That was a victory for me. I hope the next time one of my children cry, I can have the same Romans 12:15 mindset.

I spend most of my time afraid I’m warping my kids for life. Most of the folks around me fear the same thing. However, every once in a while, I see a glimmer of hope. Maybe I’m not doing absolutely everything wrong.

Ethan, our 10 year old, is one of the most creative people I know. He writes stories and makes up games. He’s been doing this for years. It has just been natural to recognize this creativity. A few months ago, Marita and I talked about it and decided to be purposeful about commenting on this unique gift he has and prompting him to nurture it through practice and work. When we have our family meetings or when we are just talking with him, we’ve looked for opportunities to praise and encourage his creativity. 

Two things have happened in the past week that helped me see this is working.

1) We were playing Apples to Apples (yes, that is an affiliate link, hey, I’ve got to make a living somehow, right?) Each player is given 7 red cards with different nouns on them (e.g. the 1970s, Martin Luther King Jr., my family, gorillas). A green card is turned over with some kind of adjective on it (e.g. playful, wicked, hot, delicious). Each player submits a green card with what they think most closely links to the target adjective. The judge for the round picks out the one he/she thinks most closely fits the target word. 

Anyway, the target adjective was “Creative” and Ethan quietly said to me, “If one of my green cards said ‘Me’ on it, I’d play that one.” Yes! My son believes he is creative. 

2) The other day Ethan and I were talking in the kitchen. I think I was doing the dishes. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but it had something to do with some creative thing he had done. I commented on his creativity. He said, “You know, Dad, it makes me feel special when someone talks about me being creative.” Yes! My son feels special.

This really all happened quite by accident. Here we are fumbling and stumbling our way through this parenting thing and we hit on a success. I shared these stories with Marita the other day in our family meeting time (before meeting with the kids) and talked about how we are doing a good job with Ethan on this, but perhaps not as good with the others. Now we need to start paying more attention to the others and find the unique gifts and talents they have to help them feel special as well.

Here are 4 Keys I learned about helping your kids feel special from this.

1. Observe them closely and discover their God-given uniqueness.
2. Ask them what makes them feel special
3. Comment on it, praise it, encourage it frequently
4. Give your kids lots of smiles and hugs as you do the rest of this.

By the way, what makes you feel special?

You have probably all seen the Mom Song that Anita Renfroe did chronically all the things a Mom say to her kids during the day. If you haven’t, I posted it at the bottom of the post and you’ll want to check it out first.

After posting that viral video, she received lots of e-mails from Dads saying, “What about us?” So she redid her song to give the Dad’s kid interaction for the day. Here it is.

Okay, I know on the YouTube page where I found this people just went berserk blasting Renfroe. I thought this was a hilarious. It’s a joke people. Get over it.

However, Dads. Let’s do better than this. The fact is, whether we are talking about Dads or Moms, the amount of time we spend in meaningful conversation with our kids is probably not anywhere near what it ought to be. Why don’t you ask your kids if they think you spend enough time with them. No, don’t whine to me about your work schedule. Don’t tell me about how busy you are. Just ask your kids if they think you spend enough time with them. 

Look, obviously you have adult responsibilities like a job. But don’t forget that one of your first adult responsibilities is your kids. Don’t leave them out in the cold claiming you are really thinking of them as you spend all your time working, watching television, or surfing the net.

Certainly, reading this post is part of your responsibility to your children. But now that you’re done with that, go do something with your kids.

By the way, as I said above, here is the MomSense song. Enjoy.

When last I checked, there was only one child ever born of a virgin. When last I checked, there was only one child that received the angelic announcement that he would be the Son of the Most High. When last I checked, only one mother and father got to look at their child and say, “That’s my boy, he’s perfect.” When last I checked, there was only one Jesus and He wasn’t one of my children and He’s not one of yours.

This provides me with a sad realization. No matter how hard I try, no matter how good I parent, no matter what choices I make, my children are going to end up being sinners just like me. I hate to break it to you, your kids are going to end up being sinners just like you.

Since before I was married (14 years and 3 months ago), I’ve witnessed and been involved in discussions with people about parenting. Sadly, these discussions almost always end up in fights. I’ve seen this increase since my kids arrived on the scene (12 years and 1 month ago). In fact, the longer I witness these conversations, the more amazed I become at how silly parents can be in their arguments. We’ll argue over natural childbirth versus hospital birth with pain meds. We’ll argue over nursing versus bottle-feeding. We’ll argue over cloth versus disposable diapers. We’ll argue over co-sleeping versus crib sleeping. We’ll argue over home-schooling versus public-schooling. We’ll argue over memory verses versus no memory verses (did you keep that one straight?) We’ll argue over slings vs. strollers. We argue over these things tooth and toenail as if our very souls depended on these things even though scripture never once tells us which of these things is the right way to parent.

WHY?!!! Why is there all of this parental arguing?

I think I’ve finally figured it out. We are all in a big competition. We all believe what we are doing is right. Therefore, if someone else made a different choice, they are wrong. But even worse than that, we assume they feel the same way. They must think they are right and we are wrong. We can’t have that now can we? Oh no, we have to prove to them that they are wrong and if they want to be right they have to be like us. We won’t be satisfied until they come groveling to us, admitting our superiority as parents. So we add argument on top of argument. We twist scriptures. We find a biblical principle and then coat it with our human reasoning and act like our reasoning is as good as God’s command. 

Through it all we are hanging on to see how our kids turn out so we can prove our way was best. Sadly, while on the outside we offer condolences when some other child really screws up, on the inside we rejoice with sadistic glee saying over and over again, “I told you so, I told you so.” How sad.

What I have discovered is good parents raise bad kids sometimes and bad parents raise good kids sometimes. But no parents raise perfect kids anytime. 

Here’s the deal. I don’t care if you nurse or bottle feed, cloth or disposably diaper, sling or stroller, co-sleep or crib sleep, homeschool or publicly school your kids, they are all going to sin. There’s only one Jesus and He’s not any of our kids. So, please, quit trying to act like you are perfectly parenting your children so they will grow up to be perfect. Quit trying to act like if my children are going to be okay when they grow up, I have to make all the same choices you do. I don’t mind discussions that weigh pros and cons, but please, cut out the demanding that yours is the only way to raise healthy kids.

Please, don’t misunderstand. I realize we parents are a huge influence in our children’s lives. I realize we need to provide a great example for them so they might have their heads screwed on straight when they grow up. I’m not saying we take an approach that says our kids are going to sin anyway so just let them and even provide them the paraphernalia. All I’m saying is please, humble yourself a bit to recognize that your children won’t be perfect. There is no way you will raise them up to be the sinless child you want them to be. With that realization in mind, cut the parents around you who think differently about some things a little slack. Maybe, just maybe, their kids will end up being sinners just like yours.

Finally, with this in mind. Cut yourself some slack. You aren’t going to be the perfect parent. Neither am I. Your soul’s salvation doesn’t depend on raising the perfect kids. Release some of that pressure, quit worrying about what everyone else will think about you when your kids mess up. Quit training your kids in ways that say they have to be perfect. Quit biting their heads off when they aren’t. Instead, lay the groundwork that tells them what to do when they aren’t perfect. But that gets into another post.

Go home, do your best. Let other parents do their best without all your busybodying. Rejoice with those who rejoice in their parenting and weep with those who weep. Pray for every parent you know, not that they’ll be just like you, but that they’ll be what God wants them to be.

We continue our series on the three unhealthy family rules, by which too many families live.

Rule #1: Don’t Feel

Rule #2: Don’t Trust

Rule #3: Don’t Talk

Last week, we pointed out living by these rules are some of the biggest causes of addictions as we grow up. These are the reasons that some people can go through detox, endure the withdrawal period, seem to be clean, come home and go right back to their addiction. It’s more than physical. Because they learned they weren’t supposed to feel, learned not to trust and learned not to talk, they have nowhere to turn to deal with the feelings coming up, so they medicate them.

We learned about how we can teach our children not to feel in part 1. In just the same way, we must teach our children to trust. Relationships are built on trust. Without trust, you can’t have vulnerability. Without vulnerability, you can’t have emotional, mental or spiritual intimacy. Without emotional, mental or spiritual intimacy you can’t have a good relationship.

Of course, some are saying, “You have to be careful teaching your kids to trust people. They can really get hurt.” See, you learned this lesson while growing up too.

“Oh no, I’ve never taught my children not to trust me or not to trust anyone.” Good, I hope that’s the case. I know for me, I’ve violated this rule too many times and I’ve seen it violated.

Let me share 8 ways we teach our children not to trust.

1. Gossip

Not gossiping about our kids. Gossiping about other people in front of our kids. Kids aren’t stupid. They can see when we treat others well to their faces and then talk about all their flaws, faults and problems behind their backs. What do we think they learn from that? They can only surmise we do the same to them. All those nice things we say to their faces won’t mean squat because they’re sure we must be talking badly about them behind their backs. 

Additionally, since most of their relationships are going to be fundamentally based on what they learn from us, they’ll think everyone must do that. Everyone must gossip. Everyone must say nice things to their faces but bad things behind their backs. It will be hard for anyone to break through that wall and gain their trust.

We must watch what we say to and about others. Our kids are learning to trust or not.

2. Belittling

This ties in with the Don’t Feel rule. Have you ever laughed at your child when they shared that something hurt them or bothered them? That is so easy to do. Their problems are so small. To us they seem insignificant and humorous. In the big scheme of things they may not matter that much. But they matter that much to them. If we belittle them by laughing at them when they open up to share their feelings, they learn not to trust us with their feelings.

Or what about this practical example. One of our children confides in us that she kind of likes a certain boy. Then every time we see that boy we needle the child. “Oh look, there’s so and so.” Or even worse, “Hey so and so, look who’s here.” What have we told our daughter? “I can’t be trusted with your feelings about boys. Don’t share anything with me, I’ll only hurt or embarrass you with it.”

3. Mocking

When emotions come out, they can be…well…emotional. In our culture, truly expressing emotions is not the norm (which will lead us directly into the Don’t Talk rule that will come next week), therefore when they come out we might mock them. 

“Big boys don’t cry.” “Quit being such a sensitive girl.” Or worse, we might even mock their crying and then laugh at them. With little children their attempts to express their anger can easily come off seeming a little silly. The last thing we want to do is make fun of their expressions of anger. To add insult to injury, how often do we store up the story of our child’s emotions to share with our spouses when they get home. We tell the story and share a good laugh at the child’s expense. 

All our kids learn from this is we can’t be trusted with their feelings.

4. Betraying confidences

Sometimes we can feel our kids’ secrets are not nearly as important as ours. Who really cares if we tell our friends about our son’s girl troubles or about our daughter’s fears when she had her first menstrual cycle? It’s not like these are issues of national security. We know no one will look down on them. Those really aren’t big deals. 

Once again, it is to our kids. We need to remember how we felt when we were kids. Sharing these kinds of secrets was big stuff. We were laying our heart on the line. We were making ourselves extremely vulnerable. I know that as we got older and started dealing with bigger things we came to believe those issues weren’t so big. But back then they were huge. Even though one day our kids will also come to realize those things were not that big, the feeling of betrayal will linger even when they can’t remember why. They’ll learn not to trust others.

5. Broken promises

How do we feel when someone tells us they will do something and then they don’t? For our kids it is ten times worse when their own parent makes a promise and then breaks it. Our children don’t have the mental capacity or experience to understand about our work and other responsibilities. They just know we promised and we didn’t follow through. 

The first thing this means is we need to be careful what we promise and commit to. If we’re loose with making promises and commitments we can’t keep, our kids will lose trust. Keep in mind, you don’t have to say, “I promise” for a child to think we’ve promised. If we say we’re going to do something, we had better do it. Otherwise, our kids learn people can’t be trusted to do what they say.

Certainly, there are times when promises get broken and we couldn’t help it. In these cases, we must validate and affirm our child’s feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal. Don’t berate them for their feelings. Remember how you feel when someone brakes a promise to you. Then apologize and make an amends. Don’t offer excuses and justifications. Make amends and ask for forgiveness. But don’t let this become a habit. I believe our children are resilient. But I also believe they are smart. They can see when you just have a habit of lying but then trying to make nice to get out of it.

6. Overreaction to mistakes

I am certainly a believer in corporal punishment. I believe there is a time to use the rod of discipline. However, if we hold our kids to adult standards and then overreact with discipline because they acted like kids, they’ll learn to fear, not trust us. I believe our children have a sense of justice. They can learn early on that misbehavior warrants appropriate discipline. My wife and I have had great conversations with our kids in which we agreed together about disciplinary measures for certain issues of disobedience and rebellion.

Sadly, some of us don’t react with appropriate discipline. We overreact because we’re angry, inconvenienced, frustrated, embarrassed. In these cases, our children learn we can’t be trusted with their mistakes. If we yell, scream and belittle because our child accidentally spilled his milk, telling him accidents wouldn’t happen if he just paid more attention, we shouldn’t be surprised when our child doesn’t want to come talk to us when he’s older and has made some really big mistakes. How many prodigals don’t make the trip home because they learned early on they couldn’t trust their parents with their mistakes.

7. Don’t believe them

I know this is tough. Our kids don’t have a highly developed sense of morality. They haven’t figured out the morality of telling truth and lies. So sometimes they will lie out of self-preservation. They’re not actively choosing to be immoral, they’re just kids. That being the case, we sometimes run on the default belief that our kids aren’t telling the truth. Perhaps we are afraid that others will think we’re being soft with our kids. 

I recall one time when an adult called to tell me about how my daughter was picking on her grandson. The truth of the matter was the boys had been picking on the girls first and the girls were just retaliating out of a sense of self-defense. What would have happened if I had ignored my daughter’s explanation and assumed she was lying? I would have taught her that I don’t trust her. I would haver taught her that I don’t trust people. If I don’t trust people, why should she?

8. Don’t trust them

Too many parents codependently follow their kids around checking up on them to make sure they did what they said, did it the right way, did it the parents’ way. They don’t trust their kids to do what’s right and it is betrayed in the way they deal with them. Every conversation is a cross-examination about whereabouts, who are you withs and what are you doings.

Look, I know it’s tough. We are concerned for our kids. However, what we need to work on is modeling right behavior, teaching right behavior, preparing them to face temptations and then trusting them to do the right thing. This is increasingly true the older our children get and should be a way of life for us once they are grown and out of our house. 

Here’s the key, if we’ve let them learn it is okay to feel and then to trust, when they make mistakes, they’ll know. They’ll feel guilty and they’ll talk to us about it. Then we have opportunity to let them learn positively from their mistakes. Taking the other approach is a vicious cycle. When we show our children we don’t trust, they won’t trust us. They’ll do wrong things but be afraid to talk to us about it. Then they’ll just sit in their shame and guilt. Having no healthy release for these feelings, they’ll look to medicate them by pursuing those same mistakes that got them here in the first place. The less we trust them, the less they trust us, the more mistakes they make, the more they look rebellious, the less we trust them…

Yes, it is true. Sooner or later, when we teach our children to trust, they’ll get burned by someone. However, if we’ve lived in such a way that they can trust us, they’ll talk to us about it and we can help them through it in a healthy way.

If you really want to keep your kids away from addictions, let them feel and be trustable. As I said last week, there is no fool proof formula. However, when you follow this, you’ll give your kids a leg up against addiction. Additionally, you’ll give them a leg up for serenity and peace in their marriage, relationships and life.

Some friends were over last night and we watched Dan in Real Life for what must have been the 10th time for Marita and me. I just love that movie. 

Granted, I have to say I don’t buy the Hollywood message that we really can know true love in just three days. I think Dan was right the first time when he said that was infatuation and not real love. On the other hand, real love can grow out of that infatuation if they work hard for the years to come.

However, what I really wanted to highlight in today’s Springboard for Your Family is how easy it is to give good advice and not really pay attention to it yourself.

Steve Carell plays Dan Burns, a widowed parenting advice columnist with three daughters. While at a yearly extended family weekend, he meets a woman at a bookstore and feels an immediate connection. When he gets back to the family house, he discovers this woman is actually his brother’s girlfriend. Then the fun really begins.

It’s a romantic comedy of errors as Dan tries to shut off his feelings for Marie and in the process breaks nearly every bit of advice he would offer parents with his own girls. I see me in Dan. Don’t get me wrong, I never wanted to date my brothers’ girlfriend (especially since my brothers are more than a decade younger than I am). But I do, sadly, often break the very advice I would offer others about how to relate to my wife and children.

Hey, this is about progress not perfection. But, at the same time, before we spend all our time telling everyone else how they should parent, taking their inventory about their relationships, we need to take our own inventory. In fact, before we tell our spouse how to live and behave to fix our marriage, we should look at how we are behaving. Before we tell our kids or parents how to behave, we should look at how we are behaving.

In the end, Dan finally gets the girl, makes amends with his daughters and gets the girl. His brother finds someone else and all is well for Dan in Real Life. Granted, real life doesn’t always work out so handsomely. But it will always come out better if we look at how we are behaving first.

Just for fun, here’s the trailer:

I nearly lost a great opportunity yesterday. 

Ethan, my 8 years and 362 days old son, walked into the house without his glasses. I was busily preparing to present a lesson on the Kingdom of Heaven at the Jackson Heights Church of Christ in Columbia, Tennessee. I was already stressed because I was behind and under the gun. Ethan said, “Dad, I took a nap on the bus and put my glasses on Jacob’s backpack.”

It took me a moment to process. “What?”

“I took a nap on the bus and put my glasses on Jacob’s backpack.”

“Are you saying you left your glasses on the bus?”

“No. I left them on Jacob’s backpack.”

“Wasn’t Jacob’s backpack on the bus?”

“Yes.”

My blood pressure started rising. Jacob lives next door so I hustled Ethan off to see if Jacob had his glasses. Of course not. Jacob said he put them on the seat beside Ethan so Ethan could find them. Yeah well, we already know how well that plan worked. Fortunately, we live in the middle of a loop the bus has to make so it actually passes by our house twice. We waited in the middle of the road. Ethan was frolicking with his siblings seemingly oblivious to the financial crisis he was putting us in. I, on the other hand, was about to lose it. 

We stopped the bus, but no glasses. The driver assured us she would look for them. I talked to her this morning. No glasses. Who knows what has happened to the glasses. Probably one of the kids saw them and grabbed them. I hope it was someone who knew they were Ethan’s and decided to hold on to them to give them back this morning. However, I don’t have too much hope for that.

Can you see where I nearly lost a great opportunity yet? I was already stressed and this was just a bit too much. I almost lost it. In fact, I was so mad I told all the family to just leave me alone because I was about to come unglued and behave inappropriately. Gratefully, as I went back to my lesson, I recalled the number of mistakes I have made that have cost me all kinds of money. Then it hit me. When I make a mistake that costs me money, who pays for it? Not my parents. I do.

This is not a time to be overflowing with anger. This is a life lesson in the making. This is a time to teach consequences. 

I had a little heart to heart with my very precious near birthday boy. 

“Ethan, I’m sorry I was so angry. I’m trying to get over that. The fact is, everyone makes mistakes. I’ve made mistakes that have cost all kinds of money. I’m upset that you were careless but we all do that sometimes. Here’s the problem. When I make mistakes, guess who has to pay for it?”

“You do, Dad.”

“That’s right. I do. Now that you’ve made a mistake, guess who needs to pay for it?”

“Me?” He said it in the form of a question clearly hoping he was mistaken.

“Yes. You. Your birthday is on Thursday. Any money you get is going to have to pay for some new glasses if you don’t find them.” 

Then I showed him his bank account balance online from the 8 years of saving gift money and other savings and I said, “Here is your bank account for going to college or buying a car one day. Here is the balance. Whatever is left over after your birthday money will have to come out of your savings and you won’t be able to use it when you get older for whatever you wanted.”

He immediately started crying. For a moment I was crushed. But I held on. This was the right thing. After all, what would happen if he was careless with his glasses and learned that a new pair would just magically appear? He certainly wouldn’t learn to take care of his glasses or anything else. 

Of course, later he said something to his sister about being punished by having to pay for his glasses. I pulled him aside and said, “Oh buddy, you misunderstood. I’m not punishing you by making you pay for your glasses. Punishment would be if I spanked you or grounded you or removed some privilege. This isn’t punishment. This is natural consequences. If I lost my glasses, who would have to pay for them? That’s right, me. That wouldn’t be punishment. That would simply be what I had to do because I lost my glasses. You need to learn that lesson too. Sometimes everyone is careless and makes mistakes. But when we do, we have to pay for it. If you can learn that lesson now, you will miss out on a lot of heartache as you get older.”

As you can see, because I allowed myself to get angry in the moment, I almost lost this golden teaching opportunity. It was almost merely a time for me to shout and holler and generally be foolish in front of my kids. Gratefully, by God’s grace, I was able to seize the moment. It wasn’t easy for me and it won’t be easy for Ethan (especially on his birthday on Thursday), but in the long run it will make his life easier. I’m sure of that.

There I was, minding my own business, doing my work, updating my blogs. When it dawned on me. Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be watching the kids. Why can’t I hear Trina (my 10 month old)? I guess I better go look for her. Lucky for me, she is apparently not allergic to peanuts.

Check out what happened.

Maybe Marita won’t leave me alone with the kids anymore.

Built by the Lord

Check out the book today!

If you didn’t read last week’s A Springboard for Your Family Life, check it out for the first part of this chapter on “Keeping the Family Together.” Click the link below.

The Great American Struggle

Meaningful Together Time

let me make one thing perfectly clear. To my knowledge, there is nothing wrong with any of the activities mentioned in the previous section in and of themselves. The answer to the problem is not necessarily to end all extra-curricular activities (though some may take that approach). The point is, with so many opportunities waiting to take each family member away from the family unit, we have to be on our guard to preserve family togetherness.

There is only one way to do this. We must carve out and schedule meaningful family together time. Further, we must not buy into the modern mumbo-jumbo saying, “It’s about quality time not quantity time.” There is not a single person out there who can teach us how to prefab quality time into fifteen minute chunks no matter how many books you by with questions to stimulate “meaningful” conversation. Quality time is the result of quantity time. There is no way around that.

Deuteronomy 6:7 provides some interesting insight to quality time. I recognize this passage talks about the Israelites passing the Law on to their children. We typically use this passage, rightly so, to discuss passing the gospel on to ours. However, let’s look at it from a broader base. the verse says, “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.”

These Israelites were able to have quality time, passing the Law to their children because they spent time sitting together in the house and walking together in the way. They had time together when they got up and before they went to bed. do we take that kind of time together with our families?

We need to make time for the whole family to sit together in the house. Meal time is a great time for this. However, there ought to be other times as well. By time together, I do not mean time in the same house, but each in separate rooms. There needs to be time when all the televisions and computers are turned off, when all the phones are in the cradles and Mom, Dad and the kids are together.

Many of us wonder, “What on earth is there to do if we have turned off the tv and computers?” Read a book together and discuss what happens. Visit with one another the same way you would if you had company. Discuss what has happened in your individual lives that day. Ask each other for advice. Confide in each other. Play games together. A lot of life’s lessons can be passed along over a game of Yahtzee or dominoes.

let me encourage you to resist the urge to make all of your family time movie time. Watching television is always an individual activity no matter who you are sitting next to. Each person is individually interacting with what is on the screen. No one is interacting with each other. When you do have movie time as a family time, make sure to discuss the movie together afterwards. What did you learn from it? What were your favorite parts? What were you least favorite? What did you think when so and so said such and such? And so on.

Of course, as Deuteronomy 6:7 directly states, you need to study God’s word together and teach God’s word. Look at the book of Proverbs. The whole book is a parent’s recognition he has to teach his children. Do not think sermons and Bible classes are enough to teach your kids to be faithful Christians. They are not and God never intended them to be.

Along these same lines, the next time you go to a group Bible study, prayer time or singing, have your kids stay and be involved. Don’t send them off to the play room, tacitly teaching them that spiritual things are too big for them. Even if they do not get to say anything or ask any questions, what a great opportunity your kids will have to hear adults discuss the Bible and how it impacts their lives.

One more opportunity for together time is working together. This is perhaps one of the biggest reasons we do not have time with family that our Bible counterparts had. Why did Mom and Dad have the ability to walk in the way with their children? They were going to the same places. When Mom was walking to the river with the clothes, little Susie was walking with her. When Dad was walking to the fields to plow, little Billy was walking with him.

We live in a different work culture. It is well nigh impossible to go back to that kind of work culture and I doubt any of us really want to. However, we need to figure out ways to work together as a family. Get the kids involved in yard work. Have them help you clean the house. Go together to someone who has a need and work together meeting the need. Visit the sick and shut-in together. Talk with each other as you walk in these ways. I guarantee you, the more of this time you spend together, the more quality moments you will rack up.

There is one more way the Old Testament demonstrated for producing family togetherness. In the Old Testament, we see memorials that set the Israelites apart as a group and prompted time to pass their faith along to their children. Consider passages like Exodus 12:25-27. God established an annual memorial to pas on Israel’s identity as His special people. When the family observed the Passover together every year, the children would eventually ask about it. There was quality time that came out of quantity time.

Certainly, it is good for you to have memorials of spiritual significance. However, we can broaden this concept, realizing family traditions provide family togetherness prompting quality time and meaningful interaction. Those traditions, whether they surround holidays, birthdays or any other aspect of family life, will provide a marker, causing your family to identify with one another.

Family traditions do not have to be anything out of this world. I know one family whose tradition is what they call “worm cakes.” It is essentially a bundt cake cut in half and pieced together to look like a worm. then it is decorated with colored icing. Oreos are crushed up to provide dirt. It is given jelly bean or M & M eyes. They might lay gummy worms around it to be its friends. Sometimes they use licorice sticks to make hair. Each one is decorated differently. These cakes were used on birthdays, holidays, special events. Amazingly enough these little cakes became so important, when this family’s two sons got married, guess what kind of cake they wanted for their groom’s cake. That’s right–a worm cake. Not much, just a family tradition providing great memories and togetherness.

Check out next Tuesday’s A Springboard for Your Family Life to finish up this little series from Built by the Lord as we examine how churches should act to help promote family together time.