I find it easy to obsess about other people, especially my family members. When I say I obsess, I mean it is easy to obsess over their mistakes, their problems, their struggles. It is even easy for me to obsess over their potential mistakes. I want to figure out how I can behave to keep them from making mistakes or to keep them from enduring major consequences of their mistakes. I get enmeshed offering unsolicited advice, working behind the scenes to get others to act in a way that produces the results I think are best, trying to control whatever I think I can to make things in their life go the way I want them to, measuring every word carefully to manipulate them to do what I think is best. 

Please understand, this is not about me getting what I want. I can assure you. I really think I have their best interests at heart. I want what is best for them. Of course, oddly enough, usually what is best for them is pretty good for me too. That is probably a different discussion. I simply want you to understand that this is all out of love. I love my kids and my wife. I don’t want them to suffer because of mistakes. Sometimes, I convince myself that if I were to behave just right, I can keep them from ever making any and, therefore, they’ll never have to suffer any pain.

This can especially happen with my spouse or my children.  No matter how much stress it adds to my life, I take great pains to try to control and manipulate circumstances, other people, and them to accomplish what I think is best for them. (Oddly enough, I’ve noticed that this mindset actually makes it very easy for others to manipulate me as well, as they play into my desire to have everything be a certain way.) I have a verse that tells me to do that. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). It’s my job to bear their burdens. They make mistakes and I have to be involved. Or, I tell myself, if I’m not involved they’ll make mistakes. I have to keep them from that. Oh yes, it’s a burden for me. But God says I have to do it. Aren’t I such a wonderfully spiritual person, willing to bear all these burdens that everyone else in my family has?

But wait, what about Galatians 6:5? “For each will have to bear his own load.” What about that verse? What is going on here. Paul says we should bear the loads of others, but then says we each must bear our own. How can he say both? 

I’m not a great language scholar. I’ve read the attempts of some to explain how these two verses are talking about different things, two different kinds of burdens because the words translated “burden” and “load” are different. Perhaps they are, but even after reading the different definitions and the explanations, I have trouble seeing that difference. Instead, I think this is one of those paradoxes that Paul likes to use. He tells us two things that seem to be completely opposite and yet both are true. Believing both and using them to guide us helps us understand how we should live.

When my kids or spouse are struggling under a load, should I be there to help them lift it? Sure. But is it my load? No, it isn’t. Sadly, I like to live in extremes. I either want to ignore everyone completely and tell them to go worry about everything themselves, I have no responsibility here, it’s not my burden (I like to minimize this by calling it tough love). Or, I’ll live as if their problem is mine and I absolutely have to fix it or the world and our relationship will collapse, not to mention everyone else will look down on me because someone connected to me is less than perfect (this is what we call enmeshment and codependence). Instead of living in these extremes with my family (or anyone else for that matter), I need to learn to live with Paul’s two concepts in my head, heart, and hands. Should I be a servant to others? Absolutely. Should I let myself be crushed under the weight of everyone else’s burdens? Absolutely not.

When my daughter has trouble with her friends, should I come alongside as a loving parent, guiding her in how to properly relate to friends? Should I listen as she bears her soul and expresses her feelings? Of course I should do these things. However, should I make her problems mine, living in fear that her friends’ parents aren’t going to like me because she’s having trouble with her friends? Should I go behind the scenes to talk to her friends myself and try to fix the relationship? Should I call up her friends’ parents and try to get them to fix their daughters so my daughter can have a good relationship? Not likely. That’s her relationship, not mine. That’s her burden, not mine. (Yes, I understand in dealing with young children like mine there is a place for parents to get together, but it should be to help the children learn how to work things out, not to fix the kids and definitely not to fix someone else’s kids.) You know, to be honest, I have enough burdens of my own to be heaping the guilt and shame of everyone else’s burdens on there too.

I could give example after example of this. What I learn is that I should be there to help lift up my family when they have burdens. But their burdens are not mine. I don’t have to live like they are. I don’t have to live in fear that I’m bad because they have burdens. I don’t have to bear the guilt of their mistakes. I don’t have to rush around trying to cover up their mistakes or remove the consequences of them. I don’t have to be the image consultant to make sure they look good, so I’ll continue to look good. I don’t have to beat myself up trying to be perfect so they’ll be perfect to because of me. I’ll be there to help where I can help, but those are their burdens and we each have to carry our own load.

(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one. By the way, please check out the site for the Kelsey Wynne Harris Foundation and help promote the foundation by purchasing any of the Life’s More Interesting products. By the way, unlike the other links in this post, there is no affiliation link here. None of your purchases of these products grease my pockets.)

The final post is here. I appreciate your patience with me and I hope my tribute to Kelsey Harris has benefited you as much as it has benefited me. I’ve enjoyed thinking about these challenging resolutions. I’ve grown through writing about them. I hope you’ve grown through reading about them. I certainly believe Kelsey wrote something worth reading. I hope I’ve taken her message and added to them. I hope I’ve written something worth reading and I hope you feel you have read something worth sharing. Please tell others about this amazing little poem packed with all kinds of meaning. I believe it will be a help to others.

And now, on to the post:

Today, I want to Be Someone Worth Knowing

Today, I want to…

Write something worth reading
Read something worth sharing
Say something worth repeating
Give something worth getting
Choose something worth keeping
Sacrifice something worth giving up
Go somewhere worth seeing
Eat something worth tasting
Hug someone worth holding
Buy something worth treasuring
Cry tears worth shedding
Do something worth watching
Risk something worth protecting
Listen to something worth hearing
Teach something worth learning

Why do I want to do all these things? Because I want to be someone worth knowing.

I don’t want to be someone who is known. I want to be someone worth knowing. Granted, I may be known if knowing me is worthwhile. But my goal is not notoriety or fame. My goal is to be someone that when you know me, you think it is worthwhile. I want to be someone you are glad to know. I want to be someone you are glad to be around. I want to be someone who lifts up and fills up, not tears down and drains out. I want to be someone you see coming and you run up to meet, not someone you cross the street to avoid.

I don’t want to be the person, however, that is intent on letting you know I’m worth knowing. We all know that guy. He is forever trying to impress us with his knowledge, achievements, work. He can’t stop talking about what he did. He can’t help giving unsolicited advice or trying to correct something you didn’t even know was incorrect. I don’t want to be the guy who is personally convinced he is worth knowing. In fact, if I am worth knowing, I’ll probably always have a bit of that idea that I’m not quite worth knowing yet.

No, I don’t want to be the guy who wants to impress you with how worth knowing I am. I want to be the person who lets you know how worth knowing you are. I want to be the person who can see your unique gifts and talents and help you become all that you can be. I want to be the guy who can help you on your path to glorify God and be with Him forever. I want to be the guy who you want walking on the path with you so we can mutually help each other along and be happy we are doing it.

Becoming That Guy

But how? How do I get to be a person worth knowing? Do I think I can stumble along through life and suddenly one day I’ll be there? Do I think if I simply react to the ebbs and flows of life’s tides that I’ll become someone worth knowing by accident? It just won’t work that way. That’s where the other resolutions come in. When I read these other resolutions, I see four overarching principles at work that make me someone worth knowing.

1. To be someone worth knowing, I must be someone who is maintaining.

I know it sounds odd, but before I become someone that you may think is worth knowing, I have to be comfortable with me. I have to take care of me. No, I don’t mean this in a selfish way of getting mine first. I mean this in a way that says I can’t give what I don’t have. I can’t be for you what I’m not for myself. Until I learn how to receive, I’ll never know how to give.

Have you ever noticed in the maturity process God has us all start off as someone who has to be completely cared for by others, then takes us to a place where we learn to take care of ourselves? Only then does He take us into a stage of taking care of others.

If I want to be someone worth knowing, I have to start with making sure I’m comfortable with me and I’m maintaining me. That’s why I choose things worth keeping, buy things worth treasuring, and even cry tears worth shedding. These all have to do with taking care of me physically and emotionally and letting me be in a place of peace and strength so I can then be a strength for you as well.

2. To be someone worth knowing, I must be someone who is growing.

As I said, if I’m really worth knowing, I’ll probably always have the personal feeling that I’m not quite worth knowing yet. I still have growing to do. To be worth knowing, I shouldn’t work on you to convince you I’m worth knowing; I should work on me to grow to be worth knowing.

That’s why I continue to read things worth sharing, go places worth seeing, listen to things worth hearing. This is how I grow. I get outside myself and realize I don’t have it all down. I don’t have all wisdom and knowledge. I need to hear what God has to say. I need to hear what others have to say. I need to experience new places and new things. I need to be filled by those who have gone before me before I can fill anyone else.

I hate to be a broken record, but I can’t give what I don’t have. To give you more, I have to grow more.

3. To be someone worth knowing, I must be someone who is daring.

I think of the old Garth Brooks song, “The River.” The second verse says:

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
‘Til we put off ‘til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don’t you sit upon the shoreline
And say you’re satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide.

If I’m just satisfied with reacting to what is happening to me, I’ll never be worth knowing. I’ll be just another member of the teeming masses of mediocrity. I don’t want to be just another acquaintance you’ve made over the years. I want to be someone worth knowing. That means I’ll have to take some chances.

That’s why I risk things worth protecting. That’s why I strive to do things worth watching. Let’s face it, anytime I step up to do something and let others watch, I’m risking failure and rejection. That’s why I eat things worth tasting. Remember, that isn’t just about satiating hunger. That is about experiencing new things. That is about reaching out with an adventurous spirit to go beyond my comfort zone.

If I want to be someone worth knowing, I’m going to have to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tide. Otherwise, I’ll only sit along the shoreline getting wet from the spray of others who are making a splash.

4. To be someone worth knowing, I must be someone who is caring.

There are some who don’t care. They just want fame and fortune. They walk on others to clamber their way to the top. If they do for others, they are really only doing for themselves. They are manipulating to get to their ends. However, if I really want to be someone worth knowing, I move from selfishness to selflessness. I have learned to maintain myself so well that I’m willing to give myself in the service of others without fear that I will be lost in the process.

Think of how many of these resolutions are really about others. I want to write things worth reading. I want to say things worth repeating. I want to give things worth getting. I want to hug someone worth holding. I want to cry tears worth shedding. I want to teach things worth learning. I want to sacrifice things worth giving up. None of those resolutions are really about me. They are about me giving to you. I can’t be someone worth knowing if I only think of me, if I’m only trying to line my pockets, further my fame, or popularize my name.

However, when I’m ready to give of myself to help you grow, then I’ll be someone you want to know.

Perhaps it is too much to ask to accomplish all these resolutions every day. However, as I work on each of them, I am growing to be someone worth knowing. That’s what I want to be today and every day.

I got to hear my good friend Max Dawson preach two lessons on leadership yesterday. He reminded me of things I’d read before. He reminded me of things we had talked about before. He increased my understanding of leadership. He asked a question as he closed his lessons that I want to pass on to you.

When you woke up and got dressed this morning, what did you put on? No, I’m not talking about your actual clothes. I don’t care if you’re wearing jeans, shorts, or a suit; a dress, a skirt, or a pantsuit. I’m wanting to know if you put on a bib or an apron.

You see many of us wake up every morning and the first thing we put on is our bib. We want to make sure we stay clean as every one else serves us and provides for us. However, others get up and put on an apron. They are getting ready to get to work and be servants.

Today in my Bible reading over at Give Attention to Reading, I read Luke 22:26 in which Jesus said, “let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves.” 

Jesus came to serve and not be served. We need to follow in His footsteps. Growing in Christ doesn’t mean becoming more and more of a boss who gets to tell everyone else what to do. Growing in Christ means becoming more and more of a servant.

So, if you haven’t already done so, get out your apron. Put it on and get to serving.

(If you have stumbled across this post, you have found me blogging my upcoming book “Getting to Did: How To Lose Your Big But and Live a Life Without Regret.” In the last installment, Sam learned “You SHALL Be the Best You.” If you need to catch up on the whole book, you can start with “Sam’s Crumbling World” and follow the successive links.)

You SHALL Bo Beyond Yourself

“You SHALL go beyond Yourself,” began the PROFESSOR.

“That sounds odd,” Sam interrupted, looking down at the business card again. “It seems to contradict your first statement. First, I’m supposed to be me, now I’m supposed to be more than me? I don’t get it.”

“Yes,” the PROFESSOR replied. “On the surface, they do seem to contradict. However, this statement does not mean we should be more than who we are. Our first SHALL is all about just being ourselves, this one is about thinking about more than ourselves.

“If I might moralize for a moment, I don’t think we are here just to get personal fulfillment out of life. Further, I do not think we get personal fulfillment out of life by seeking our own anyway. I do think we are here to add to our world. I do think we are here to help others be more and do more. The greatest fulfillment I have ever had is when I have given of myself to others.

“Have you ever seen the movie Mr. Holland’s Opus?”

“No,” Sam replied.

“Oh that is too bad,” the PROFESSOR responded. “I’m giving you another homework assignment, go home and watch that movie. Richard Dreyfuss plays the main character, Mr. Holland. At the beginning of it, he is a young musician planning to be famous. He is already working on a symphony that will make him rich. He takes a teaching job to pay the bills and support his composing until he finally hits the big time. At first, he hates teaching. He cannot stand the kids and, frankly, they can’t stand him either. Then his principal rebukes him, pointing out that his job is not just passing on information. It is also providing a compass in life for the kids.

“That starts a change. As the movie continues, he no longer views teaching as a means to get a paycheck so he can do his own thing. Rather, he focuses on the joy of helping the students have breakthroughs. There is more to the movie, but Mr. Holland’s journey is one of becoming a servant. When his work as a teacher ceases to be a self-serving way to make money and pay for his real dream and becomes an opportunity to serve others and make a difference, he really begins to write his own magnum opus.

“Toward the end of the movie, Mr. Holland’s school hits financial difficulties and cuts his department. He sums up his journey saying, ‘It’s almost funny. I got dragged into this gig kicking and screaming and now it’s the only thing I want to do…’

“I will not ruin the movie for you completely. However, this is what I mean by going beyond yourself. If your life is only ever about you, it will be miserable, no matter how much money you make or how far you go. However, if you go beyond yourself to give to others, helping them be more, you will find fulfillment and meaning in life.

“Why do you think Dave reaches out and gives his time to help people like you and me? He understands this point.

“As you think about what you are going to do and how you are going to approach it, it SHOULD not be just about you getting what you want. It SHOULD be about you giving to your family and to your community.

“Really, our society is amazing. We went from the 1960’s when a president who was considered part of the liberal political party told the nation, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country’ to the 1980’s when one of the most conservative of the conservatives ran asking the nation the all important question, ‘Are you better off than you were four years ago?’ We are close to 30 years beyond that now. Some suggest we are riding the pendulum back to a community and service mindset. I hope so. Nevertheless, Sam, if you simply strive to hoard to yourself, your life will be wasted. You SHALL go beyond yourself. You SHALL shamelessly give yourself to others.”

“So, what you’re saying is this:” Sam cut in, “if I really want to have a meaningful life and personal fulfillment, I need to give to others.”

“Yes and no. If you are only giving to others in order to have personal fulfillment, it will not work. That is manipulation and hypocrisy. No, do not give just to receive. Instead, learn to give of yourself to your family and your community simply for the sake of serving others, treating others the way you want to be treated simply because it is the Next Right Thing. If you do that, then, yes, you will have personal fulfillment and a meaningful life. Do not question me too deeply about it. I do not know why it works. I’m merely certain it does.

“You SHALL go beyond yourself by figuring out what your strengths can add to others and to our world. To accomplish this, you have to keep your eyes open. There are opportunities to get beyond ourselves all around us. We just have to be aware. We have to listen. One of the best ways to get beyond yourself is to look around at what bothers you about our world. Then figure out what you can do about it.

“One of the funniest cartoons I have ever seen showed two men sitting at the base of a tree. One says, ‘Sometimes I think I might just go ask God why he doesn’t do anything about all the bad stuff happening.’ The other responded, ‘Why don’t you?’ To which the first replied, ‘I’m always afraid he might ask me the same question.’”

Sam and the PROFESSOR both laughed at this. The PROFESSOR continued, “You need to understand one more aspect of getting beyond yourself. What you do doesn’t always have to be big. It doesn’t have to be on a grand scale. It doesn’t have to be about the whole world. It may just be about one person. Do not be paralyzed thinking you cannot do anything about world hunger; find a person to feed. Do not be overwhelmed thinking about all the children who don’t have great parents; find a child to whom you can be a great father. It might even just be your own child. This is going beyond yourself.”

“Ok,” Sam wanted to sum up what he had heard so far. “I SHALL be the best me I can be by breaking the mold, forgetting others’ prophecies and then pursuing my strengths and my passions, doing the next right thing and apologizing when I blow it. Then I SHALL go beyond myself by using my strengths and my passions to give of myself to others, namely my family and my community.”

“That’s right,” the PROFESSOR nodded, pleased Sam was retaining so much. “Here is some more homework for you.”

(Come back next week as Sam learns “You SHALL Prioritize.”)