(If you have stumbled across this post, you have found me blogging my upcoming book “Getting to Did: How To Lose Your Big But and Live a Life Without Regret.” In the last installment, Sam began to learn about getting the weight of the world off his SHOULD-er If you need to catch up on the whole book, you can start with “Sam’s Crumbling World” and follow the successive links.)
You SHALL Be the Best You
“‘You SHALL be the best You’ means you SHOULD not try to be someone else. You SHOULD not try to be your parents or your siblings. You SHOULD not try to be your spouse, your neighbors or your boss. You SHALL be the very best you you can be.
“Too many people are busy trying to be someone else. They see a personality they like, usually one opposite to their own, and try to be that person. It never works. Some want to please the people in their lives, so they try to follow all the advice everyone else tells them they SHOULD follow. Our parents told us where we SHOULD go to school, what kind of career we SHOULD have and even what kind of person we SHOULD marry. Don’t get me wrong, a great deal of the time our parents give us great advice, after all, at that time in our lives they are a lot smarter than we are. However, in the end we have to be the best us. We are the ones who have to live with our education, our career and most especially our spouse.
“In addition to parents, teachers told us what we SHOULD major in at college. Our friends tell us what we SHOULD do every step of the way. However, each person’s perspective is colored by their own outlook. And each person is different. I hope you understand what we are talking about here. Obviously, I believe there is right and wrong. I believe there are moral guidelines everyone SHOULD follow. I am not talking about this as though each person is free to make up their own morality. That discussion, however, is for the preacher, not the PROFESSOR. That is not what we are focusing on in GETTING TO DID. We are talking about the general path of your life.
“You must learn to be you. Don’t even try to be Dave. I know Dave is encouraging you to start your own business. Perhaps you SHOULD. But if you SHOULD, it is not because Dave says so. As I’m sure you can tell, I don’t own this university. I work for it. I’m right where I SHOULD be and even Dave knows that. Whatever choices you make about your new career, let it be you coming through.”
Sam sighed. “That’s interesting. I have felt the weight on my SHOULD-ers. On the one hand, my wife says I SHOULD get a normal job. On the other, although Dave hasn’t actually come out and said, ‘You SHOULD start your own business,’ he’s certainly implied it dozens of times. Does he know you’re telling me not to take his advice?”
“Oh, he knows I am going to tell you to be you and not try to be him. He believes that is better advice than any specific career advice. Let me put it to you this way. I am a career-minded woman. I balanced raising kids with a job outside the home as well. It wasn’t easy; however, I did it. I have always worked to move higher and higher up the ladder until now I am at the top in this university.
“Helen has been the school president’s secretary for nearly 20 years. She started after her children left for college. I have a hard time understanding that. She has a hard time understanding the choices I made. We argue about it occasionally. But what we’ve both learned is she’s happy in her role and I’m happy in mine. She has done great things for this school in her role, just as I have. She has done well by her family following her path; I have done well by mine. We did not do everything exactly the same way, but we have both been ourselves. In that regard, I think both of us have been equally successful in life. But don’t tell Helen I said that…it would take the fun out of arguing with her about it.”
“OK, I’m trying to follow you here,” Sam stammered. “I need to be me. That may mean being the university president or it may mean being the president’s secretary. That may mean starting my own business or it may mean finding another job. I’m not sure you’re helping me out, how do I be me?”
“Yes, well, that is one of those interesting questions to which you would think everyone would know the answer. Yet so often we don’t because we have become so blinded by what everyone else expects of us. Here are a few guidelines to help you be you.
“First, break the molds. Breaking the molds doesn’t necessarily mean wearing wild ties or being an eccentric nut. It does mean you do not have to fit in your parents’ or older siblings’ molds. Don’t try to live in the shoes they filled. Your feet, like your fingerprints, are different from everyone else’s. Just because your dad was an accountant, doesn’t mean you have to be. Just because your older sister works for the family business, doesn’t mean you have to. Just because your father-in-law runs a company, doesn’t mean you have to work there.
“Second, disregard the prophecies of your parents, professors and peers. You do not have to be what everyone else said you would grow up to be. Did you have class prophecies in high school? You know…the ‘Most likely to’ statements?”
“Sure we did. I still look back at that yearbook and my picture: ‘Most likely to get early parole.’ I was always pretty much a troublemaker in high school,” Sam chuckled remembering a childhood prank.
The PROFESSOR smiled and continued, “I was voted ‘Most likely to never break a nail.’ At the time I thought it was funny. I didn’t really have any ambitions. I had not done very well in school. I always joked that I was planning on marrying somebody rich and living off him so it didn’t matter. The reality was I didn’t think I COULD ever really amount to much.
“My parents divorced when I was in elementary school and were, sadly, too often caught up in their own feuding to pay much attention to me. When they did pay attention, it was usually to jump on me about something. The first few years after the divorce were tough and I didn’t try in school. My teachers thought I was of no account. Now I know what goes on in those staff rooms and I know my reputation preceded me. They all thought I was a waste of their time.
“This is where God was looking out for me and protected me where I did not protect myself. Most people in my position marry someone just as unhealthy has they are. I, however, met a great man.” The PROFESSOR nodded to the picture of a handsome man on the bookshelf.
“Hey,” Sam exclaimed. “That’s the doctor who performed my dad’s bypass a few years ago. He was great. Explained what was going on every step of the way. Provided comfort when things looked like they weren’t going to go anywhere. He even prayed with us.”
The PROFESSOR smiled. “Yes, my husband is a great doctor and a wonderful husband and father. For some reason he didn’t know about all the prophecies everyone else had for me. He actually thought I COULD be something great and filled my head with dreams of a meaningful life. However, to do that, I had to quit thinking of myself in the terms that my parents, peers and professors had always thought of me. I had to forget their prophecies.
“Are you with me so far?”
“Yeah,” Sam said, “Break the molds and forget the prophecies. I guess I need to remember that with my own kids too. My son, Scott, and I have been arguing about where he should go to college. You’re saying I SHOULD stop forcing Scott down my path.”
“I’m glad to see you are applying this information to your practical life. Of course, if he wants advice on college, I know a good one he SHOULD go to,” the PROFESSOR smiled, winked and then said in response to Sam’s surprised look, “Only kidding, Sam. Continuing on. If you are going to be the best you you can be, the third thing you must do is work from your strengths. If you can overlook ending a phrase with a preposition, then I’ll tell you to find what you are good at and bank on that. You can’t strive for excellence by constantly working where you have no strength. Maybe you should spend some time working on your weaknesses, but spending too much time there typically means you’re trying to be someone else. You have clearly been good at sales. That suggests you are a people person. I imagine you like talking to people and hate locking yourself in a room to do detail work. Am I right?”
“Pretty close,” Sam smiled.
“If you’re good in dealing with people, then make sure whether you start your own business, or find another job, that you do something that connects you to people. You have a Masters degree in accounting, but you certainly SHOULD not go find an accounting office to hole yourself up in going over company financial statements all day.
“This is one of the funny things about people. They often spend all of their time thinking about what they SHOULDA done when they were younger to be making the big bucks today. They watch a baseball game and think about how they SHOULDA stuck with baseball in high school. They watch their favorite actor or actress and think about how they SHOULDA gone to acting school. They listen to their favorite song playing on the radio and think about how they SHOULDA started that band they always dreamed about. How many of these people are really as good as the people who make all those jobs look easy? Not many. There are a lot of people out there who are not any good at baseball, acting or singing who keep trying to pursue those careers because they want to make lots of money. Here is a newsflash, only the ones who are working with their strengths are making any money at it. Think of it this way: you may be a janitor, working night and day dreaming about how you wish you were an actor. It is better, however, to be a good working janitor, than a sorry out of work actor. Find what you are good at, where your strengths are and do that.
“Finally, to be you, do what you enjoy. Do that about which you are passionate. Do not settle for a career you are going to hate because you think it is safe and will keep the bills paid. You have already learned finding a safe, secure job is impossible. You might as well do what you enjoy doing. It may fall flat after a few years and everyone will say they told you so, just as you fear they will. Then again, you may opt for another safe, secure job and be at this same point again in 10 years. Why not do what excites you? Why not do what truly motivates you?
“Dave left earlier to go make rounds at his restaurants and consider a possible buy on an apartment complex. On these days, Dave gets up a little earlier because that excites him. If that was all I had to look forward to in my day, I would hit the snooze button a dozen times. But meeting with you here, teaching a dozen college kids, helping other teachers…I live for that. Dave would never make it as a university professor or president, you might not either. But this is exactly where I SHOULD be.
“I know I am stepping over into the COACH’S realm and I have to be careful, but it is a lot easier to be successful when you are doing what you enjoy. It is a lot easier to be successful when you have that natural motivation.
“Are you keeping up with me so far?”
“I think so,” Sam replied. “I SHALL be the best me I can possibly be. I CAN do that by first breaking the molds and second forgetting the prophecies made for me by others. Then I SHALL pursue what I am good at and what I am passionate about.”
“Well, that was succinct. As you can tell, I am not any good at brevity,” the PROFESSOR chuckled. “There is another side to being the best You. You have to remember you can only work on you. You can’t make anyone else GET TO DID. You are not responsible for managing anyone else’s thoughts and feelings. You are merely responsible to be the best you you can be.
“A friend of mine uses a great phrase I now use to remind me what I need to do to be the best me I can possibly be. She always says her job is merely to do the Next Right Thing. No matter how anyone else is acting, no matter how they might react, she wants to do the Next Right Thing. When you make the decision to do the Next Right Thing despite how anyone else is going to act or react, then you are making yourself a better you.”
The PROFESSOR fell silent for a moment letting this sink in. After a few seconds Sam replied, “So, you’re saying even if my wife doesn’t like something and starts acting badly about it, I still have to do what’s right. I don’t get to blame her if I fly off the handle or if I make a mistake because I am responsible to do the Next Right Thing no matter how she acts.”
“Sam, I don’t know why you think you CAN’t do this stuff. You are so far ahead in your thinking than most of the folks Dave brings through here.”
“I don’t know about all that. But what if I have already botched this? What if I have already flown of the handle or blamed her? What do I do then?”
“That is easy. You apologize and make amends and you do that even if she refuses to apologize for her wrongs. You do the Next Right Thing by owning your part and making it right.”
“That’s tough. I’ll need to work on that one.”
The PROFESSOR allowed the silence to settle in again to let Sam mull over all she had said so far. Sam took advantage of the Silence to review the bullet points he had made on the note page in his planner.
-You Shall be the Best You
1. Break the molds
2. Disregard the prophecies of others
3. Work from your strengths
4. Do what you enjoy
5. Always do the next right thing
6. Apologize and make amends
After a moment, the PROFESSOR continued speaking, “As you know, I’m the PROFESSOR, so it shouldn’t surprise you that I’m going to give you some homework. For each of the ‘You SHALLS’ I have an assignment for you to work through over the next week before you get together with Dave again. Here is the first one.”
The PROFESSOR handed Sam a sheet of paper.
(Come back next week as Sam learns “You SHALL Go Beyond Yourself.”)
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